I’m ready!  Enough with the Olympics raining on my brain.  Despite the valiant efforts of Bob Costas, I just don’t care who wins the steeplechase.  I especially do not want to hear or see Allen Iverson! Who chose that basketball team anyway?  John Thompson? Would it have been so terrible to select just one guy who could shoot from the perimeter?  Focus! It is August and the first signs of THE SEASON are seeping into our consciousness.  The football magazines are all on the stand, the polls have been published, the NFL has started losing star players in  pre season games, and most importantly of all…… the Buckeyes are practicing.  Like a little kid seeing the first Christmas decorations, we all know what is coming.  In the old days we kept looking for a fat man in a red coat (Santa or Woody?), now we wait for the little dude in the sweater vest to bring us the joy of the season.

                Ted Ginn and the Baby Bucks were impressive in the Big 33 All Star Game in Hershey, Pa. Twelve Buckeyes participated, not only in the game, but also in the bench-clearing brawl as well.  A brawl in an allstar game?  That’s like Oprah and Rosie fighting over rice cakes.

                As we anxiously await the start of the new season it’s fun to chuckle at the adversity of others.  Now that the Buckeye coaching job is secure for the next 25 years, let’s take a look around the country at coaches on the hot seat.  Keep in mind that all of these guys are making over a million bucks a year.  So this is not exactly a human tragedy.  No babies will go unfed here.

Obvious ones:

Gary Barnett – Just get this over with …..please.

Mack Brown – Can he survive another drubbing by the Sooners?

Ty Willingham – Needs to beat the weasels

Not so obvious ones:

Lloyd Carr – another loss to the Buckeyes will make him 1-3 in The Game. I know they won’t fire him, but  might  he quit if he got enough heat?  I honestly don’t know if this would be good or bad for the Buckeyes.  Weasel turmoil is always fun, but it would be pretty easy for them to get a better coach.  I need to be careful what I wish for here.

Ron Zook – will Chris Leak mature in time to save Zook

Mike Bellotti – first getting buried by USC, then probation.  What happens if Little Stoops pushes Arizona past the Ducks in the PAC 10?

Walt Harris - OK, he may be a genius, but what has he won and how many QB’s has he sent to the NFL? 

Tommy Bowden/Tommy Tuberville -  I swear I cannot tell these guys apart and at least one of them is always under the gun.  Auburn and Clemson. Interchangeable rednecks with pretty-much the same colors, mascots and a shared penchant for NCAA violations.  One has a bird and the other has a damn rock and who really cares.

 

 

All I want for Christmas is….

                Since we seem to be on a holiday theme let’s whip out the pre-season wish list.

  1. This one  is just too obvious, but… the Weasels go 0-11 and sign Lloyd Carr to a long contract extension or do I want him fired?  I remain flummexed by that question.
  2. Notre Dame beats USC, the Weasels, and Tennessee, but loses to Navy, Stanford,  and  Purdue.
  3. The Neutron Man sits down, doesn’t dance and tells the band and everybody else to pay attention to the damn football game.
  4. Pete Carroll signs on to coach a new NFL franchise in LA and whines about the drop in talent.
  5. Andy Geiger moves our game with Wisconsin to 9:00 PM and declares a stadium-wide happy hour two hours prior to kick off.   Karen Holbrook does a keg stand to “dot the I” in pre-game.
  6. Les Wexner, calling their uniforms an affront to fashion, donates one million dollars to Michigan hospitals, and is given the right to paint the weasel helmets pink, for just one game.
  7. Bob Huggins drives the team bus for the Cincinnati Bearcats when they come to Columbus.  Misses not a single drive-thru from Cincinnati to the Franklin county border. 

Police officer:  “Coach, when did you stop drinking?”

Huggy:  “No sir.”

  1. Just for to tork off the Tide fans, Phillip Fulmer wears a Bear Bryant hounds tooth hat during the Vol’s game with Alabama.
  2. Trev Alberts and Terry Bowden wrestle until both are speechless, permanently, in a pay per view cage match. 
  3. Joe Paterno has Lasik surgery and loses the glasses.
  4. And most important of all – a Big 10 Championship and a victory on November 20 for our Buckeyes.

 

Question of the day?  When the parents of talented Florida State receiver , Craphonso Thorpe were discussing names for their newborn child; which ones did they reject before settling on little Crappy’s moniker?  Or, for that matter, what were the parents of Virginia Cavalier D’Brickashaw Ferguson, or the parent’s of Maryland Linebacker, D’Qwell Jackson (is his twin brother Nyquil?) thinking?

 

They needed help, but……

The Big Ten officials are going to experiment with Instant Replay this year.  I guess that beats the acid they were apparently experimenting with last season. 

 

And finally…….

 

 

 

If you read my previous rant you know this has to be done.  No complaining,  everybody now join in,……….. to the tune of Paul McCartney’s Uncle Albert:

 We’re so sorry,

 Uncle Andy,

We’re so sorry if doubted your plan

 

We’re so sorry,

Uncle Andy,

You hired  Thad Matta, you always do get your man

 

We’re so sorry,

Uncle Andy,

We won’t ever doubt you, and you were right once again,

 

Right now it is 2:00 PM, Friday, August 20.    Pre-game starts in exactly two weeks and three hours.    Buckle up!

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