I’m going deep…….inside Trev
Albert’s brain.
He has bashed us, berated us,
demeaned and disrespected us. Enough
complaining, We need to know why ESPN analyst Trev Alberts (and the rest of the
national media types) will give the Buckeyes no love. I am, in the words of comedian Steve Martin,
going to get really, really small, cough, cough, and crawl right
inside the cranium of the afore-mentioned Mr. Alberts
and see just what the hell is going on in there. I know this is a high risk mission, but, hey, I’m too old to die
young, so here I go.
Given the extraordinary number of holes in his head,
it was pretty easy to gain entry. First
off, I must say I’m struck by the vast amount of wide open space in here. Looks like Wyoming. Not as gray
in here as you might have imagined, either. I’m going to try to look through Trev’s eyes to see things as he does. The terrain is very, very rocky and it is a
tough climb up to eye level, but I made it.
Wow, things are really foggy. Can’t make out much of anything through these lenses. That might explain his hair, but how does
this guy watch football? I guess Trev doesn’t base his comments on what is really going on,
but instead relies on his vast knowledge of college football. I’m going to crawl over to the section of his
brain behind the sign “acquired football smarts”. Well I’m here, wherever that is. Not much over here actually, just a couple of
very thin volumes. One is entitled Modern
Offensive Football by Tom Osborne.
The other volume is entitled, What I
learned in the NFL. This is a
journal of some sort, seemingly created by Trev,
himself. Strange book though, nothing
but blank pages and an anatomical drawing of the human elbow. Wait a minute, I see
a really big book on the other side of this room. Man, it really echoes in here. This large
volume is a guide to TV ratings. For the
best TV ratings, the book advises that you should pick the best team, with the
most fans, and continually trash them. Doing this, will so enrage their fans that they will listen to
every word spoken…… to hear if you are going to make another moronic statement. Fortunately, with Trev
we never have to listen very long. The
more people ticked off, the higher the ratings.
These thoughts are attributed, as you no doubt, have guessed, to Howard Cossell. I kept hearing the theme from “2001 A Space
Odyssey” in here. This place is spooky, time to exit. Getting out was easy,
……once I found his mouth. It was
certainly big enough, but there was no direct connection with his brain, so it
made finding it a little tricky.
Eventually, I just climbed through the really vast opening, over many
teeth and not surprisingly,
several, shoes. I am
certainly glad to be out of there. What
was with the posters of Kirk Herbstreit everywhere? Strange
place!
While I was in his brain, I left Trev
some notes, actually tried to plant them, but it did not appear to be terribly
fertile soil in there. The notes were
entitled “Tresselball”. Since I doubt Trev
will even look at them I’m going to tell you what I wrote for him. Maybe, you will hear these thoughts come out
of Trev’s mouth next Saturday, but I doubt it. As I mentioned earlier, the connection
between brain and mouth is not exactly a direct one.
It
is called Tresselball. 31 games of Tresselball, and the
Buckeyes have won 26. The last defeat
was in the 2001 season. Tresselball does not win big or win pretty, but it does
win. 19 straight and
counting as a matter of fact.
Here is how it works. First you have a great punter, because “the punt
is the most important play in football”.
JT really believes this, and so should we, by this point. Have a strong defense, that creates big
plays, but may yield some yardage between the 30’s. The defense becomes much more
aggressive as opposing teams threaten the Buckeye goal line. The defense allows no team to run the ball
successfully. Have an offense that moves
the ball with as little risk as possible.
Or doesn’t move the ball. See previous statement about the punt. Play for field position, win the turnover
battle, and distribute defibulators to the stadium
ushers. That’s how it works. Why does nobody understand it? Did last season and especially the Fiesta
Bowl prove nothing? This is who the
Buckeyes are and this is what they do.
This year is proving, even more than last year, that
Tresselball works.
This year OSU is without the part time efforts of a superior running
back, they have played two games with the back-up QB. Various, assorted injuries have hit the O-line, FB, TB,
and the D-Line. Still OSU keeps stacking
up the wins, having beaten two ranked teams on the way to a 5-0 record.
Will Tresselball hold up
and continue baffle and amaze the football world for the remainder of the
season? Who knows? Something to keep in mind, though, is that
JT’s teams seem to improve as the season goes on. If they didn’t he never would have made it
through so many play-off games at Youngstown State. He seems to
coach for the season, not just the game.
If
you take a look at each remaining game, they are all winnable and, with the
exception of Indiana, loseable as well.
Wisconsin: This team
appears loaded with major quality at running back and receiver. Who knows why they lose stupid games to UNLV,
but they won the conference a few years ago after being upset by Cincinnati. If they smoke
PSU and they should this weekend, it will be a war in Madison on
10/11. Most of the Badger
stars should have made bail by the game time.
Hopefully, though. by the 9:00 PM kickoff, most of the Camp Randall rowdies will have passed out. Barry Alvarez wears cool sun glasses so he
must be a genius coach. Nobody runs
against the Buckeyes, so
the game will eventually boil down to Sorgi
vs. the Silver Bullets. After this loss to the Buckeyes, look for the Badgers
to win out and get to a nice bowl in Florida.
Iowa: The consensus
was that the Hawks lost too many studs off last years’ team to compete for a
title. Then, for the first 4 weeks of
the season, they look like the most dominant team in the Big 10. A loss to MSU makes them a huge question
mark. Can they handle the Wolfies in Iowa City this week? If
so they will come into Columbus with some momentum.
Also, this game will somehow settle the question of who had the best
team in the Big 10 in 2002. The Bucks would have won that one as well.
Indiana: OSU will mess around and
look sloppy for a half, but when the IU, secondary has to leave in the 4th
quarter, to go to basketball practice, the
Bucks will roll by 20.
Penn State: Since the Nits joined the Big
Ten the home team has won every time but once in this rivalry. . Joe
Pa could make his season with an upset in this one. Unless Joe Pa announces his retirement the
week of this game, and he very well might, it should be a Buckeye victory. Penn State seems to be out of about everything, except sympathy
for their coach.
MSU: Who knows
what is going on in East
Lansing. Beating Iowa was impressive, losing to
Louisiana Tech was not. The Spartans
play their friends from Ann Arbor
the week before they come to Columbus. So they will either be on a roll or have their backs
to the wall. Given the amount of money they are paying him, new coach, John L.
Smith must be the next genius. Geniuses
have a hard time with Tresselball.
Purdue: Good defense,
but will Tiller have found some offense by that mid-November? The Boilers will catch the Buckeyes looking
ahead to the rivalry game with UM the following week, so this is a tricky
situation. It was way, way too close
last year.
UM: The Big
House. John Navarre. Lloyd Carr. Superstar receivers. A felon defensive
back. The helmet. How can the Wolverines lose? John Navarre, Lloyd Carr. A gold pants hat
trick! The good news for big blue - No
one ever thought Lloyd to be a football genius.
The bad news – No one ever had a reason to. Admit it Lloyd, JT has your number.
What is going on outside our world of the Big
10? What other teams have visions of
Sugar Bowls dancing in their heads?
Oklahoma: So far so good, but they still must play Texas, Oklahoma State and likely a Big XII championship game. Still the Sooners
look like a pretty good bet for Nawlins.
Miami: Should have
lost to Florida, otherwise impressive. Still must play at FSU, at Pitt and at Va.
Tech. Throw in a home game against Tennessee. They will
lose at least one of these and play in the Orange Bowl against Big XII runner
up.
LSU: Too much SEC
Tennessee: See previous
comment
FSU: Inconsistent,
but have looked dominant at times. The Noles still have to play the Canes, NC State and close the
season at Florida, which could well be the game to save Ron Zook’s job.
Va. Tech: While they may well beat the Canes, I don’t
see them running the table. Even if they
did win out, I don’t think they would pass an unbeaten OSU team defending it’s national championship.
So
do the Buckeyes have
a chance to defend the championship? Absolutely, but it is anything but a
certainty. The only sure thing, is that
as Buckeye fans, we will learn to love the punt, continue to take our heart
pills and wait for the rest of the football world to appreciate Tresselball. Come on
Trev, help spread the word.