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                           The Young Ones - Bambi

              Written by Ben Elton, Rik Mayall and Lise Mayer.

                     Additional material by Alexei Sayle


Broadcast on the BBC on Tuesday 8 May 1984

Cast [in order of appearance]

Neil   Nigel Planer
Rick   Rik Mayall
Vyvyan
Mike   Christopher Ryan
Dr. Carlyle   Robbie Coltrane
Janet, his maid   Tamsin Heatley
Dr. Not-the-Nine-O'Clock-News   Tony Robinson
Train Driver   Alexei Sayle
Lord Monty   Hugh Laurie
Lord Snot   Stephen Fry
Kendal Mintcake   Ben Elton
Miss Money-Sterling   Emma Thompson
Security Guard   Mel Smith
Bambi   Griff Rhys-Jones
                   --------------------------------------

Originally transcribed by Kristen Mirenda (E_mail: mirenda@panix.com), HTML
conversion by Andrew Wong (E_mail: achwong@pobox.com).

NOTE: The following is a transcription of the "Young Ones" episode "Bambi" as
it aired on American MTV in the mid-'80s. I've done this strictly for the
enjoyment of myself and other YO fans, and to encourage others to transcribe
other scripts if they have a free evening. If anybody has an archive they
want to put this in, go ahead.

[Straight brackets indicate action and vital commentary on the scene]

Thanks to the following people from alt.comedy.british for their help with
Britishisms and spellings: Andrew Wong, James Kew, B. Squad, Johan von
Boisman, Adrian Adams, Bryce Utting, Jim Waters, Jennifer Mary George, Stuart
Jackson (plus anyone whose name I neglected to jot down).

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[OPENING SCENE: Rick, Vyvyan, Mike sitting at their kitchen table. The phone
is ringing. Rick is telling a story. Mike is writing in a notebook.]

Rick: ...Which, if you ask me, is about as clever as going to the toilet
without taking your trousers down! Anyway, Mary decided...
Vyvyan: Wait a minute, wait a minute...Who's this Mary?
Rick: What do you mean, "who's this Mary"? I've been talking about her for the
last ten minutes!
Vyvyan: Have you?
Rick: Honestly, Vyvyan, have you been listening to a word I've said?
Vyvyan: No.
Rick: Well, pay attention. Mary, right, who's that tall girl doing geoggers...
Vyvyan: OH! You mean the one with the enormous tits!
Rick: They're minu...Vyvyan, would you stop being so sexist? they're called
breasts, and everybody has them.
Vyvyan: Well, I don't.
Rick: Yes, and nor did Adolf Hitler! *snort* [brief shot of Neil running down
the street]
Vyvyan: Oh, I know who you mean. "Old Yellow Pages".
Rick: Yes, yes, yes, yes, I believe some of the more politically unsound
members of the Univerisity call her that, yes. So, anyway, Mary decided...
Mike: Hold it, hold it, hold it, hold it.
Rick: What is it now?
Mike: Who's getting married?
Rick: No, no one's getting married, Michael, I'm talking about Mary.
Mike: Who's Mary?
Rick: Oh, God... [again brief SCENE of Neil running down the street. He trips
over a dust bin, spilling its contents. He notices a hippie-ish satchel
amongst the rubbish and picks it up. Then he sees a dead pigeon also in the
rubbish, picks it up, and puts it in the satchel. He continues running.]
Mike: (to Vyvyan) I still don't see why that means they should call her
"Yellow Pages".
Vyvyan: (to Mike) Look, I'm telling you, Michael, because when she gets drunk
at parties...
[Vyv mimes the 2-finger Yellow Pages walk]
Rick: Vyvyan, please! Will you both please try and grow up and pay attention?
It's my story, it's bloody amusing...Honestly, I don't know why I bother,
sometimes!
Vyvyan: I don't know why you bother ever.
Rick: Yeah, right (snort) ... Anyway, Mary decided not to go to the party,
for the obvious reason...
Mike: Were we invited?
Rick: What?
Mike: To the party, the wedding.
Rick: [exasperated] NOOOOO!

[cut to SCENE of Neil running around the corner and into the house. He rushes
into the kitchen, out of breath. The phone is still ringing.]

Neil: Guys, guys, listen, I've got something amazing to tell you!
Rick: Answer the phone, Neil!
Neil: What?
Rick: Answer the phone!
Neil: Oh yeah, right.
[Neil is about to pick up the phone when it stops ringing.]
Neil: Oh...Floppy disks! Anyway, look, never mind that...
Rick: What do you mean, "never mind"? What do you mean, "never mind"? That
might have been a very important call, Neil. You're a complete teacup, aren't
you?
Neil: Mug, Rick.
Rick: What? Oh sorry, yes, DAMN, DAMN!
Neil: Anyway, listen, guys...
Vyvyan: No, no, Neil, you listen! I've been waiting here half an hour, half a
bloody hour, Neil, being hungry, waiting for my tea, and listening to that
[points to Rick] bogey-bum!
Neil: Oh, that's my fault, is it? Oh yeah, it's always my fault. Why don't you
cook your own tea, Vyvyan?
Vyvyan: Because I do not cook the tea, Neil, you do!
[Neil, defeated, begins cooking the meal]
That's what we agreed when we first came. You do the cooking, I look after
the plants and goldfish.
Neil: Yeah, and what did you make me cook on that first day?
Vyvyan: Eh...Sausages. It was a Tuesday.
Neil: Yeah, sausages, and...
Vyvyan: Sausages and plants and goldfish. Look, I've discharged my
responsibilities, Neil, now you discharge yours.
Rick: Hey, Mike, that sounds like a cue for a really dirty joke, doesn't it!
Mike: Shut up, Rick.
[Rick sulks. Neil dumps the contents of the kitchen garbage can on the table
in front of Vyvyan]
Mike: What's this, Neil?
Neil: Leftovers.
Rick: Neil, I hate you.
Neil: Oh, yeah, that's right, pick on me. I mean, I've already had personality
hassles from a complete stranger today.
Vyvyan: [rooting throught the garbage with a fork] Hey! There's a dead rat in
there! Great! [He eats the rat's head]
Neil: Yeah, this complete stranger came up to me, right, and called me smelly!
This complete stranger shouted "smelly!" at me! I wouldn't have minded if he
was a hundred _yards_ away... [he raises his arms and leans over Rick and
Vyv] I mean, come on guys, you can tell me truthfully, do I smell?
Mike: Yes.
Neil: Come on guys, I can handle it, you can tell me, do I smell...What do you
mean, "yes"?
Vyvyan: We mean yes you smell...Smelly!
Neil: Oh, great, yeah.
Mike: Sit down, Neil. [Neil sits at the table]
Neil: Sorry.
Rick: Hands up, who likes me! [there is no response]
Mike: Guys, no wonder Neil's smelly. [He indicates the notebook] According to
the house list, it says the last time we went to the laundrette was the 23rd
of October... nineteen-eighty-one. Guys, it's wash day.
Vyvyan: But why, Michael? I myself have three pairs of socks, and three pairs
of knickers. That means I've only worn them... 269 times each since the last
wash.
Rick: I said, hands up, who likes...
Mike: Rick! We heard what you said. Now, guys, brace yourselves, there's no
avoiding this, and I'm not talking about my chopper, we are going to the
laundrette!
Vyvyan: Oh, no, please...
Neil: No, not the laundrette...
Rick: [stands up abruptly] Why don't you like me?
Vyvyan: Because you're a complete bastard.
Rick: Vyvyan, I'm being serious!
Vyvyan: So am I. You're a complete bastard and we all hate you.
Rick: [shaking his head] I find that rather difficult to believe.
Vyvyan: Do you want to bet on it? I'll put down a fiver.
Neil: Yeah, me too.
Mike: You can count me in as well.
[Vyv, Neil, and Mike put their money on the table]
Rick: Yes, eh, I...I don't bet.
Vyvyan: Coward!
Neil: Yeah, yellow chicken!
Rick: Alright, I'm not scared!
Vyvyan: Right, then, a fiver!
Rick: Oh, I haven't got any money.
Neil: What about that tenner I lent you this morning? For your sister's
operation?
Vyvyan: You haven't got a sister, Rick! You're the classic example of an only
child.
Rick: Alright, alright, are we going to bet or are we going to piffle around
all night? [slaps money on the table] There's a tenner!
Vyvyan: Quiet, everybody, the bet's on!
Rick: Right. Hands up, who likes me! [Rick throws both arms into the air,
while the other three guys drop their hands to the floor] DAMN! Right, that's
it, I'm going to kill myself. [He removes his belt] Then you'll be sorry!
Vyvyan: No, we won't. [Rips the tenner in half and gives one half to Mike]
Neil: [Rooting through the garbage] Does anybody want the last chick pea?
Mike: I didn't even want the first one.
[Rick has the belt around his neck and has climbed upon a chair. He is trying
unsuccessfully to attach his noose to the ceiling]
Rick: I feel sorry for you, you zeros, you nobodies. What's going to live on
after you die? I'll tell you -- nothing, that's what!
[Exasperated, Rick gives up on hanging himself and jumps down from the chair.
He grabs a large bottle of pills, shows it to the others, and starts stuffing
pills into his mouth]
Neil: [sotto voce to Vyvyan] Vyv, Vyv, uh, can you, like, actually kill
yourself with laxative pills?
Vyvyan: I don't know, Neil, but I'm going to stay and find out.
Neil: I think I'm going up to my room for a bit... [Runs upstairs, head down.
Rick swallows some more pills defiantly at Neil's back.]
Rick: This house will become a shrine! And punks and skins and Rastas will all
gather round and all hold their hands in sorrow for their fallen leader! And
all the grown-ups will say, "But why are the kids crying?" And the kids will
say, "Haven't you heard? Rick is dead! The People's Poet is dead!"
[Vyv starts hanging around looking expectantly at Rick's bum]
Rick: And then one particularly sensitive and articulate teenager will say,
"Why kids, do you understand nothing? How can Rick be dead when we still have
his poems?" Then another kid will say... [Rick emits a long, loud fart].
[The camera zooms in suddenly on a box of matches on a shelf]
Box: Don't look at me, I'm irrelevant.
[Clanging noise heard as Neil comes running panicked down the stairs]
Neil: Oh, no! Oh wow! Guys, guys, quickly -- one of Vyvyan's socks has
escaped! [Shot of the guys from directly above. Cut to SCENE: a Victorian
scientist, Dr. Carlisle, in his study, looking through a microscope] Dr.
Carlisle: Amazing! Absolutely amazing. Human beings the size of amoebas. [He
removes the slide and places it his desk] [The maid, Janet, enters bearing a
tray] Janet: Here's your afternoon tea, Dr. Carlisle. Dr. Carlisle:  Ah, thank
you, Janet. [He takes an eclair from the tray] Janet: Oh, Dr.
Not-the-Nine-O'Clock-News is here to see you. Dr. Carlisle: Is he? Well, I'd
best conceal this sticky bun by placing it precariously on the edge of this
box. [Dramatic music] Show him in. [Dr. Not-the-Nine-O'Clock-News enters the
study] Dr. NTNN: Prepare yourself, sir. I have a patient outside whose
deformities are so grotesque that you will question how the Almighty could
suffer such a blasphemy upon his earth. Dr. Carlisle: Calm yourself, Dr.
Not-the-Nine-O'Clock-News, we are men of science! We fear no worldly terrors.
Dr. NTNN: Pray, remember, sir, he is human! He is...a man!
[Dr. Not-the-Nine-O'Clock-News leads an elephant into the room]
Dr. Carlisle: It's an elephant, Doctor.
Dr. NTNN: You unfeeling bastard, sir! [Speaks to the elephant] I hoped perhaps
he might understand.
Elephant: [in voiceover] I am an elephant, you know.
[SCENE: back to the guys' house, where Mike, Neil, and Vyv are battling Vyv's
sock]
Vyvyan: Get back in the sack, sock!
Sock: I'm not going back in there! It stinks!
Mike: Vyvyan, if you can't keep control of your socks, you shan't be allowed
to have any!
[The sock attacks Neil, who jumps out of the way]
Neil: Help! I'm being hassled by a killer sock!
[Vyv begins hitting the sock with a cast-iron frying pan]
Neil:  Kill...Kill...Kill...Kill...
Rick:  [coming in from upstairs]
Oh, that's nice talk coming from a vegetarian!
Neil: Socks aren't vegetables, man, they should be wiped out!
Rick: I hope you're satisfied, Doctor Neil Goebels! It's dead now.
[Respectfully, Rick removes his hat. Vyv hits him on the head with the frying
pan]
Vyvyan: Rick, it was a mercy killing.
[Smoke and unearthly screams from the dead sock]
Mike: Right, that's it, we're going to the laundrette, now!
Vyvyan: We can't Mike.
Mike: Why not?
Vyvyan: Because they don't open for another eight hours. It's midnight.
Mike: Right, that's it, we're going upstairs to bed very fast, now.
[Closeup on the guys' feet as they run up the stairs. Immediately the light
comes up, a cock crows, and closeup on their feet as they run down the
stairs. The guys alight in the living room. The actors are all in the wrong
characters and costumes, however: Christopher Ryan is Neil; Rik Mayall is
Vyv; Nigel Planer is Rick; Ade Edmonson is Mike.]
Vyvyan: Wow, morning! Completely brilliant! Let's go to the laundrette.
Rick: Oh, oh, so it's completely brilliant. And now we've all got to go to the
laundrette just because Vyvyan says so! It's like we're living in Nazi
Germany. Neil, I hate you.
Neil: Oh, wow, don't bring me down and hassle me, Rick. I'm really confused.
[to camera] I'm just not feeling myself today.
Rick: Mike, you could do a really good joke, couldn't you, about feeling
yourself!
Vyvyan: [grabbing Rick by the collar] Shut up or I'll kill you!
Mike: Okay, guys, come on. As the one guy said to the other guy when he was
getting fed up, I'm getting fed up. I want to wash my smalls, and I don't
mean dip my tiddlies in a glass of water. Let's go!
Vyvyan: Right. [Points to Rick's hat] And take that stupid, girly bonnet off!
[Rick takes off his hat, and Neil's long hair tumbles out]
Neil: Right, let's go.
[They all jump up into the air -- BOING -- and disappear...]
[NEW SCENE: They reappear, landing on a city street outside the laundrette.
The actors are now back in their characters.]
Vyvyan: God! That was quick!
[They enter the laundrette. Vyv's dust-bin liner full of laundry emits green
smoke. A pair of knickers is too slow in following him. Vyv points at the
knickers -- "Oi!''-- and they fly into the laundrette after him. Several
people flee the laundrette, choking and gagging.]
[SCENE: in the laundrette.]
Neil: Come on, guys. Like, the sooner we start, like, the sooner we finish.
Rick: Hah! They said that about...eh...uh...Something that took a long time to
finish.
Vyvyan: I hate these places. They're so depressing. You know, Michael, I would
rather go to a lecture than a laundrette.
Mike: Come on, Vyvyan, don't exaggerate.
Rick:  [Tugging at Mike's sleeve] Hey, I know a joke about that as well.
Listen, pay attention to me. "I told you a million times, do not exaggerate!"
[Rick laughs; Mike stares at him] Get on with it, Neil.
[Neil stuffs laundry into a washing machine, which spits it back out.]
Washing Machine: No way!
Neil: Oh, wow! Technofear! It's happening again! All the machinery's ganging
up on me! Vyvyan!
Vyvyan: Get out of the way, Neil! Me and machinery have a very special
understanding.
[He talks to the machine] Now then, don't give me any gip, you bastard.
[All the washing machines in the row slam shut their doors one by one as Vyv
approaches]
Vyvyan: Oh dear.
[Sotto to the guys] This calls for a very special blend of psychology and
extreme violence.
[Loudly] Oh, la-di-da! Look what I found in my laundry bag. All of Felicity
Kendall's underwear, that needs a good wash!
[The machine makes a lecherous sound and opens its door.]
Vyvyan: NOW!
[The guys stuff their laundry into the machine, which gags and shakes in
protest. The others hold the door shut as Mike reads the operating
instructions.]
Mike: Now, "make sure that the door is firmly closed" -- no, we've done that
-- right, "fill the tray with powder" -- Powder! What do they mean, "powder"?
Gunpowder, curry powder, cocaine? I mean, what's on their minds?
Neil: Maybe they mean washing powder, Mike. Um...Oh, look, maybe if we got all
the horrid sludgy bits out of the other machines we could get enough.
Mike: Neil, you carry on...Right, "if you require conditioner..." Well, do we?
[Neil collects some sludgy bits and tastes them. He looks surprised, and eats
some more.]
Rick: No, Mike, that's just for people washing their hair.
Mike: No, we don't want to go mad. Right, "Insert two 50-pence pieces..."
[All action stops suddenly]
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[SCENE: The guys are back sitting dejectedly at the kitchen table.]
Neil: Come on, guys, I don't think we should let this experience bring us
down. I mean, what's so wrong with dirty clothes, anyway?
Rick: Yeah! You know what they say, "dirty pants, clean botty!"
[Close up on Mike, with ***several frames from "The End" of Carry On Cowboy
edited in]
Mike: "Dirty duvet, dirty mind."
Vyvyan: My knickers are so old, it's only the stubborn understains that are
holding them together!
Rick: Yeah, right on! One thing's for sure -- when Lenin led the revolution in
Russia, no way did he do it with a spotless bott!
Vyvyan: YEAH! I LOVE MY BOTTOM SPOTTY!
Neil: Yeah...Yeah...Let's never wash our clothes again!
Mike: What do you mean, "again"?
Neil: Yeah, yeah, we could be, like, the dirtiest students in the whole world.
Mike: Hey, now there's a challenge!
Neil: OH! [jumps up] OH! WOW! I just remembered what it was I had to tell you!
Oh no, what's the time?
Mike: Now, Vyv, here's your chance. [He shows Vyv his watch] Right, now see
the big hand there? That's on the two, right? Now, the little hand is on that
one there, just before the twelve. Now, what's that one?
Vyvyan: [uncertain] Eleven?
Mike: Perfectly excellent! So what's the time?
Vyvyan: [thinks for a moment] Uh...Half past five!
Neil: That means we have exactly two minutes to get to the station!
Rick: Oh, cock-a-doodle-doo, Neil! What are you talking about?
Neil: We've been picked to go on University Challenge... tonight! [Dramatic
music]
[Rick, Vyv, and Mike jump from their chairs]
Vyvyan: To the station!
Mike: Music!
[MOTORHEAD appears in the living room playing "Ace of Spades" as the guys
rush off. Scenes of the band playing are interspersed with the guys' antics
in King's Cross Station (London) as they rush for the train, in a parody of
"A Hard Day's Night":

   o Rick steals a magazine from a kiosk but ends up paying for it anyway;
   o the guys run through a door marked "No Entry";
   o Vyv grabs a plastic-wrapped doughnut from a snack bar counter, stuffs
     the entire thing in his mouth, and gives the cashier a "screw you" sign;
   o Neil is impatient waiting for his photo booth pictures;
   o Mike enjoys a gin & tonic, but when he turns his wrist to check his
     watch, spills the drink on himself;
   o Vyv and Rick ride the luggage cart; they get on the train with moments
     to spare.]

[SCENE: Rick and Neil on the train, scenery whizzing by. Papers are spread
out on the table before them. Rick is casually fixing his hair while Neil
nervously shuffles the papers.]
Neil: Oh, I wish we'd missed the train after all now. I'm just not going to be
able to answer anything, I just know it.
Rick: Oh, come off it, Neil, you little swotty-pants. Just look at you,
swotting away for teacher like a total spazmo. You're just an utter creep,
really, aren't you? You've done loads and loads of work on it and I haven't
done anything, nothing at all. Go on, test me. Go on, test me!
Neil: You just said you hadn't done anything.
Rick: Don't be clever, just take the book. [Rick throws his notebook at Neil]
Neil: Alright, but verbatim regurgitation is against my principles.
Rick: I'm asking you to test me on it, not throw up on it! Right, do it
properly and don't skip bits.
Neil: [reading the title of the notebook] "O-Level History Notes"?
Rick: Yes, bit of pretty bloody billiant luck, eh? We're doing exactly the
same period as I did for O-Level!
Neil: [Reading from the notebook] "Prick is a wonker. Signed, the rest of the
class."
Rick: Ah, yes, now, that was a sort of "in joke" that we had in my form.
Actually, I was incredibly popular and everyone thought I was great.
Neil: "...I agree with the rest of the class. Signed, Teacher."
Rick: Just test me on the stuff, will you? [Indicating a different page]
There!
Neil: Alright, alright, don't get uncool and heavy. "Crop rotation in the 14th
century..."
Rick: Right. [reciting] "Crop rotation in the 14th century was much more
widespread..."
Neil: "Considerably".
Rick: What?
Neil: It's "considerably more widespread", not "much more".
Rick: Well?
Neil: Well, you said, "do it properly."
Rick: Well, not that much, you stupid bloody hippie!
Neil: You said, "do it properly and don't skip bits!" How was I to know that
wasn't important?
Rick: Well it wasn't important, alright? Shall we just get on and stop wasting
time like this? Right. "Crop rotation in the 14th century was _considerably_
more widespread...after..." God, I know this...don't tell me..."after 1172."
[Neil is silent] Well, was I right?
Neil: No, but I didn't think it was important.
Rick: Well, what was it, then?
Neil: You just said not to tell you.
Rick: I bloody well did not!
Neil: Yes you did! You said, "Don't tell me" just before you said, "1172."
Rick: But I only meant for a minute!
Neil: What, a minute from now, or a minute from then?
Rick: Look, just shut up and tell me the answer!
Neil: Shut up AND tell you the answer?
Rick: JUST TELL ME THE ANSWER!
Neil: John.
Rick: Thank you..."John"?
Neil: Yeah, "John" is the answer.
Rick: "Crop rotation in the 14th century was considerably more widespread
after John?
Neil: "...Lloyd invented the patent crop rotator."
Rick: Oh, yes, I knew it, I bloody knew it!
Neil: You didn't, you didn't, you said "1172"! That's not a bit like "John".
Rick: [hysterical] You spiteful bastard, Neil! Just because you've done loads
and loads of work for this, just because you're a creepy little swot you've
done about 15 million tons of work for this, like a girl, and I'm so hard and
street and cool that I've done absolutely bugger all, and you've done loads,
look at it, loads and loads, loads and loads... [he starts making a mess of
Neil's papers]
Neil: Stop it, Rick! It's only University Challenge, Rick, it's only
University Challenge!
Rick: ...loads and loads, loads and loads...
[Vyv (carrying two coffee cups) and Mike enter the car. Vyv briefly gets
stuck in the automatic door. They sit down.]
Vyvyan: [Giving a cup to Rick] There you are, Rick, that'll be five quid.
Rick: Five pounds for an empty paper cup?
Vyvyan: It had sugar in it. [Rick gives him the fiver, which he rips in half
and splits with Mike]
Mike: Who are we playing, anyway, Neil?
Neil: Footlights College, Oxbridge. It's going to be really heavy and tough.
Vyvyan: [pulling out a thick book] Well, I've done my revision.
Mike: [reads the book's title] "The Daily Mirror Book of Facts: Did You Know".
Neil: Do you think that's where they get the questions from? [Neil starts
reading the book with great interest] "The world's record for stuffing
marshmallows up one single nostril..."
Vyvyan: Ehhh, "Six-hundred and four, Toxteth O'Grady, U.S.A."
Neil: Yeah, right! "World's stickiest bogey?"
Vyvyan: Ha! Tried to fool me. That's Toxteth again!
Rick: The World's Stupidest Bottom-Burp: Vyvyan, Britain!
Neil: It says "Rick" here, actually.
Rick: Give me that! [Rick grabs the book]
Vyvyan: See, I've done my revision. I'm going off now to stuff loads and loads
of paper down the toilet. [Vyv exits]
Mike: [to camera] I've often wondered who did that.
[SCENE: Vyvyan next to the train door. There is a window with a sign above
it.]
Vyvyan: [reading the sign] "Do Not Lean Out of the Window". I wonder why?
[Vyv leans out the window and the train goes into a tunnel. He is
decapitated, with appropriate screams and blood gushing from his head. He
pulls the emergency cord.]
[SCENE: back to the other three guys as the train stops]
Rick: Oh good heavens, what now?
Mike: Somebody must have pulled the communication cord.
Rick: Well, it wasn't me, matey. If British Rail want fifty pounds they can
blimmin' well go out and become a prostitute. Which they virtually are,
anyway, come to think of it.
[to camera] Right, commuters?
Neil: Oh, no, we'll never get there on time now.
Mike: Relax, Neil. Bambi's a personal friend. I introduced him to Walt Disney.
[SCENE: Outside on the tracks, Vyv's headless body is stumbling around. Vyv's
head is on the ground, shouting directions.]
Vyvyan's head: Over here, over here...You took your time, you bastard!
[Vyv's body kicks his head along like a football]
[SCENE: Back in the train car]
Rick: Come on, come on! Get the thing started! God, what excuse is it this
time? I suppose they'll be telling us they've been held up my Mexican
bandits. [SCENE: Outside by the engine car. Mexican bandits are holding the
Train Driver at gunpoint.] Train Driver (Alexei Sayle): That's a Zapata
moustache, ennit? He's Mexican, wasn't he, eh? Funny, really, you know,
Zapata. He starts out as a peasant revolutionary, and ends up as a kind of
moustache. Che Guevara, he's another one. South American revolutionary, ends
up as a sort of boutique. Garibaldi, Italian revolutionary, ends up as a kind
of biscuit.

It's quite interesting, you know, the number of biscuits that are named after
revolutionaries. You've got your Garibaldi, of course, you've got your
Bourbons, then of course you've got your Peek Freens Trotsky Assortment.

[sings] "Revolutionary biscuits of Italy / Rise up out of your box! / You
have nothing to lose but your wafers / Yum yum yum yum yum!"

[pause] I never really wanted to be a train driver, you know. I mean, they
told me while at school, if I got two CSEs, when I left school I'd be head of
British Steel. That's a lot of nonsense, ennit? I mean, you look at
statistics, right. 83% of top British management have been to a public school
and Oxbridge, right? 93% of the BBC have been to a public school and
Oxbridge, right? 98% of the KGB have been to a public school and Oxbridge.
All you get from a public school, right -- one, you get a top job, right, and
two, you get an interest in perverse sexual practices. I mean, that's why
British management's so inefficient. As soon as they get in the boardroom,
they're all shutting each others' dicks in the door! "Go on, give it another
slam, Sir Michael!" BAM! OW OW OW! "Come on, Sir Geoffrey, let's play the
Panzer commander and the millkmaid, EW EW EW EW! YOO HOO!"
[Establishing shot of a Rolls-Royce driving out of Footlights College. SCENE:
Back seat, four rich kids: Kendal Mintcake, Miss Money-Sterling, Lord Snot,
and Lord Monty.]
All: [singing] Rah, rah, rah, we're going to smash the oiks! Ha ha ha ha ha!
Lord Monty: You know, it's a rotten shame. I went to see the Careers Officer
in Big College yesterday, and he said all he'd got left is chairman of
British Rail! Well, I wanted to be Director General of the BBC.
Lord Snot: Yes, it's rotten, they gave it to Skapper just because he directed
our world tour of "Hamlet" and wrote our hilarious revue, "What Ho, Darkie".
Honestly, chairman of a nationalized industry -- I'd rather be a Cabinet
Minister!
Kendal Mintcake: Well, I'm alright, 'cause my Daddy's bought me the Socialist
Workers' Party for my birthday!
Miss Money-Sterling: At least we're going to smash the oiks at Scumbag College
in University Challenge.
Lord Snot: We've just got time before my balls drop!
[SCENE: Vyv, Neil, Rick, and Mike, covered in mud and hitchhiking at the side
of the road.]
Rick: Oh, God. If you hadn't pulled that communication cord, Vyvyan, that man
would never have thrown us off the train.
Mike: Rick, he threw us off the train because you said ASLEF was an anagram
for "total and complete bastard."
Neil: And apart from everything else...It isn't, even.
Rick: Oh, shut up, Neil. If you hadn't been born at all, then we wouldn't even
be here, because there'd only be three of us, and three isn't enough to go on
University Challenge. So it's your fault.
Neil: Bambi won't wait.
Mike: Relax, Neil, he's a personal friend. I helped him get the Babycham
commercial.
Neil: Really? Oh wow. Do you think they really do make it out of babies?
Rick: Oh, bloody hell! It must be 200 miles to Manchester, and I bet we've got
to walk the whole blimmin' way!
Mike: What are you talking about, Rick? I'm the greatest hitchhiker in the
galaxy.
[SCENE: Lobby of a television studio. A Security Guard (Mel Smith)stands at
the desk. The guys walk in.]
Mike: See, told you so! [They start walking past the guard]
Evening, Officer, University Challenge, Scumbag College.
Guard: : Hang on... [he checks his clipboard] You were supposed to be here two
weeks ago.
Neil: Well, we had to walk the last 200 miles.
Mike: Didn't you get our message? Neil, why didn't you phone our message?
Guard: [checking his clipboard] We did get a message, yes... "Beep beep beep,
oh no heavy, the coins keep coming out, beep beep beep, even the telephone
hates me, beep beep beep, I wish there were no machines, and everyone led a
pastoral existence, trees and flowers don't deliberately cool you out and go
beep in your ear."
Neil: Yeah, that's the message, didn't you get it?
Guard: : Yeah, that was on the twenty-fourth. [Vyv attempts to enter the
studio with a pig] Hang on, what's that?
Vyvyan: It's my mascot!
Guard: : A pig?
Vyvyan: No!
Guard: : It is.
Vyvyan: It's not, it's a ferret. A deformed ferret, I'll grant you that. So
severely deformed in fact that it looks a little bit like a pig.
Guard: : Looks exactly like a pig.
Vyvyan: Yes, well, it certainly has been remarked upon. In fact, just as John
Hurt is known as the Elephant Man, Bacon Sandwich here is known as the Pig
Ferret.
Guard: : Bacon Sandwich? Funny name for a ferret, isn't it?
Vyvyan: Ha! And that's where I had you fooled. Because it's not a ferret, it's
a pig.
Mike: Well done, Vyv, you've certainly got him there.
Rick: Had you had enough, Nazi, or do you want some more?
[Rick gives him the 2-finger salute]
Pig: [in thought balloon] That's nothing, someone called me a policeman the
other day.
[Bambi enters]
Guard: : Good morning, Mr. Gasciogne, sir.
Bambi: Scumbag College? So you finally made it.
Mike: Bambi, Bambi, my main man! So good to see you. You're looking good.
Albeit you've lost a little fur since I've last seen you, and you're walking
on two legs now I see...But still the same old Bambi!
[Neil is crying softly]
Rick: Shut up, Neil, shut up! What's the matter?
Neil: I'm sorry, everybody. I'm sorry, Bambi. I'm just remembering, like, that
bit when you got lost in the snow, and the rabbit found you, it was so
beautiful...
Vyvyan: Yeah, I liked the bit where you shoved the drill in the virgin otter's
face.
Neil: That wasn't in "Bambi", Vyvyan!
Vyvyan: It was in the sequel, Neil. "Bambi Goes Crazy Ape Bonkers with His
Drill and Set".
Neil: [gravely] Is that true, Bambi? Did you do a Disney nasty?
Bambi: So what if I did? I'm not apologizing. My life collapsed after "Bambi".
I was a lovable faun alright, unusable for anything else. I took the Babycham
stuff, sure, thanks to Mike here, but I was finished. When the porn "Bambi"
came along, well, I thought, this is where I get something back...If it
hadn't been for the chance to present University Challenge and start a new
life, I'd be giving executive relief to woodland creatures to this very day.
Rick: Well, are you going to letus win?
Bambi: No, of course not, the posh kids win, they always do. Come on.
[on his way out, Vyv leaves the pig-ferret with the guard]
                   --------------------------------------
[SCENE: the University Challenge studio. The contestants sit along two tiers:
Scumbag College on the top, Footlights on the bottom. Theme music plays.]
Bambi: Hello, and welcome to another edition of University Challenge. This
week, the teams represent Footlights College, Oxbridge...
[Cut to preppy audience, all dressed alike in school blazers and scarves,
with a Footlights banner. One holds a teddy-bear.]
Audience: Rah rah rah! We're going to smash the oiks!
Bambi: Yes, that's the spirit. And Scumbag College.
[Cut to Vyv's hamster, Special Patrol Group, sitting in the audience.]
SPG: Oi! Up Scumbag! Up Scumbag!
[Audience boos. Close up of SPG and teddy-bear]
SPG: See you, teddy-bear, come 'ere! [SPG bites the teddy-bear on the neck]
Bambi: Yes, well, representing Footlights we have Lord Monty...
Lord Monty: Hello.
Bambi: ...Lord Snot...
Lord Snot: Heh heh heh. [he sips champagne]
Bambi: ...Miss Money-Sterling...
Miss Money-Sterling: Ah! [she sips champagne]
Bambi: ...and Mr. Kendal Mintcake.
Kendal Mintcake: [gives thumbs-up sign] Hi
Bambi: And representing Scumbag we have Mike..
Mike: Hello.
Bambi: ...Prick...
Rick: What? [He leans over to look at his namecard, to which someone has added
a "P"]
Bambi: ...Vyvyan... [Vyvyan gives a double screw-you sign] ...and Neil.
Neil: Vegetable rights and peace. [Neil gives a peace sign]
Bambi: So, your starter for 10, no conferring: Born in 1311 of Manchurian
stock, he came to...
[Neil buzzes in]
Announcer: Scumbag, Neil.
Neil: Uh...Can I go to the toilet please?
Bambi: No, I'm sorry, you're barking up the wrong tree there. 5 point penalty
to Scumbag, full question to Footlights, no conferring. ...He came to
represent the modal cathodic slipwit of the...
[Lord Monty buzzes in]
Announcer: Footlights, Monty.
Lord Monty: Alright, now, eh, wasn't it, wasn't it Monk d'Wally d'Honque?
Bambi: Yes, well, you're almost there, can you give me any more?
Lord Monty: Certainly, will fifty pound do?
Bambi: Absolutely spot on, well done Footlights, 10 points, and three bonus
questions to you. "What was the name..."
[Lord Snot buzzes in]
Lord Snot: Battle of Bannockburn!
Bambi: Yes, well that's very well anticipated. Battle of Bannockburn it is.
[Neil buzzes in and waves his arms]
Neil: Buzz, buzz...uh, sorry to hassle you or anything, Bambi, but I really do
need to go to the toilet really badly, you know.
Bambi: Yes, well, the second bonus question, to Footlights, who are ahead by
15 points, but it's early days yet...
Neil: Oh, no, guys, I'm just going to have to wee on Lord Snot's head.
Bambi: ...Who said, "Lawks a lordy, my bottom's on fire"?
[Kendal Mintcake buzzes in]
Kendal Mintcake: Lenin!
Bambi: Yes, I can accept that, although the exact answer is Joan of Arc. Well
done, Footlights, 5 points. And what is the chemical equation...
[Miss Money-Strerling buzzes in]
Miss Money-Sterling: I've got a Porsche. Hee hee!
Bambi: Yes, well, that's not exactly what I've got written on the card, but I
knew your father, so Footlights leads by 25 points.
Miss Money-Sterling: Daddy sends hugs. Hee hee!
Bambi: So, starters for 10, fingers on the buzzers...Who is the richest person
in the world?
[Vyv accidentally buzzes in while dissembling his microphone]
Announcer: Scumbag, Vyvyan.
Vyvyan: What?
Rick: We're getting trashed, we're getting completely trashed! [the guys
confer] Isn't there some way we can cheat?
Neil: Guys, look, it's beginning to seep out.
Mike: It's very simple, Neil. Use the jug! [Mike empties his water pitcher on
Lord Snot's head]
Bambi: Now I'll have to hurry you...Who is the richest person in the world?
[Lord Snot buzzes in]
Announcer: Footlights, Snot.
Lord Snot: It's me, isn't it?
Bambi: No, I'm afraid not, your father's multi-national collapsed early this
morning.
Lord Snot: Oh, damn. [the water pitcher falls on Lord Snot's head]
Bambi: So with the score still standing at 25 to nothing, here goes...
Vyvyan: [buzzing in] I'm completely bloody sick of this!
[he bashes in the floor and kicks Kendal Mintcake in the head] Give us some
easy ones, Bambi, you big bottom-boil!
Mike: Relax, we can handle this... Vyvyan!
Vyvyan: [pulling out a hand grenade] Achtung! [he drops it on the Footlights
team]
Miss Money-Sterling:  It's not an automatic --
[BOOM the Footlight team is demolished.]
Mike: Okay, Bambi, let's hear another.
Bambi: So here goes with the starter for 10. What is the record number of
marshmallows stuffed up one nostril?
[Mike buzzes in]
Announcer: Scumbag, Mike.
Mike: Six hundred and four, Toxteth O'Grady, U.S.A.
Vyvyan: I told you that, Mike, you bloody cheat!
Bambi: 10 points, Scumbag, and your question: Who produced the world's
stickiest bogey?
Mike: [buzzing in] Toxteth O'Grady.
Bambi: Correct, 5 points.
Vyvyan: You bum bag!
Bambi: The world's stupidest bottom-burp?
Neil: [buzzing in] Rick, Britain!
Bambi: Correct, 5 points.
Rick: It is not!
Bambi: And finally, for 5 bonus points to take you into the lead: Who's been
tampering with my question cards?
Rick: [buzzing in] It was me! It was me! Damn, damn!
[audience boos and pelts the Scumbag team with garbage. Suddenly, a gigantic
eclair falls from the sky and crushes the guys.]
[SCENE: Dr. Carlisle's study. He is chatting with the elephant. The eclair
has fallen off the box onto the microscope slide.]
Dr. Carlisle: Oh no, this sticky-bun's covered with human beings the size of
amoebas. [he feeds the eclair to the elephant] Here, Jumbo, get that through
your esophagus.
Elephant: Very good.
Dr. Carlisle: Anyway, as I was saying...
[the Young Ones theme music and credits start and continue over the rest of
the show]
Dr. Carlisle: ...I've rather an interesting theory. Have you tried this new
high-fiber diet?
Elephant: Yes, I tried that. I lost a ton but I put it straight back on again.
[SCENE: Dr. Not-the-Nine-O'Clock-News is talking intimately to a stuffed
bird] Dr. NTNN: Look, I understand that many men must have asked of you that
which you weren't prepared to give. But I pledge you my word of honor as a
gentleman that I would never take that which you didn't offer freely, nor
enter where I've been asked to remain outside. [SCENE: Janet, the maid, is
holding Bacon Sandwich on her lap] Janet: I was thinking, if you were to just
dye your hair a wee bit, then you'd look a little bit more like...
[the pig squirms away] Yes, I quite agree!
                   --------------------------------------

 Copyright Ben Elton, Rik Mayall, Lise Meyer - 1984.

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