JOKES

A man hasn't been feling well, so he goes to his doctor for a complete checkup. Afterward the doctor comes out with the results.

"I'm afraid I have some very bad news," the doctor says. "You're dying, and you don't have much time left."

"Oh, that's terrible!" says the man. "How long have I got?"

"Ten," the doctor says sadly. "Ten?"

the man asks. "Ten what? Months? Weeks? What?!"

"Nine..."

There are three engineers in a car; an electrical engineer, a ch

emical engineer and a Microsoft engineer. Suddenly the car just stops by the side of the road, and the three engineers look at each other wondering what could be wrong. The electrical engineer suggests stripping down the electronics of the car and trying to trace where a fault might have occurred. The chemical engineeer, not knowing much about cars, suggests that maybe the fuel is becoming emulsified and getting blocked somewhere. Then, the Microsoft engineer, not knowing much about anything, comes up with a suggestion, "Why don`t we close all the windows, get out, get back in, open the windows again, and maybe it`ll work !?"

Bill Gates dies and is up at the pearly gates.

St Peter: Well, you've got a choice. Have a look around here. Pop down to Hell and see what Satan has to offer. Check us out, and then let me know your decision. Bill has a look around heaven. Lots's of somber people singing hymns, praising the Lord . He goes down to Hell. There are beautiful beaches, lots of sun, sand, attractive women . Long cool drinks that never get you drunk. He loves it. He goes back to St Peter.

Gates: Look, I know you're really doing good things here, but Hell seems more with it. More my kind of scene, you know what I mean? No hard feelings, but I pick Hell.

St Peter: No worries. You've got it. Bill finds himself back in Hell, neck deep in fire and brimstone, suffering eternal torment. He can't figure it out.

Gates: Hey! St Peter! Where are the beautiful girls and long beaches and cool drinks?

St Peter: Sorry if you got confused, That was just the demo version --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

While my brother-in-law was tapping away on his home computer, his ten-year-old daughter sneaked up behind him. Then she turned and ran into the kitchen, squealing to the rest of the family, "I know Daddy's password! I know Daddy's password!" "What is it? her sisters asked eagerly. Proudly she replied, "Asterisk, asterisk, asterisk, asterisk, asterisk!"

Tom : "Did you hear about the race between the cabbage, the tap, and the 
          tomato?"
Jane : " No, what happened?"
Tom : " The cabbage was ahead, the tap was running  and the tomato was trying to ketchup".

"Granny: My grandfather fought in World War-1, my great-grandfather fought the Indians and my great-great
Grandfather with Napoleon's armies.
Neighbor:: Couldn't your folks get along with anybody?

Two young men who were joining the Navy were asked, "Do you know how to swim?"
They both looked puzzled, and one replied, "What's the matter, aren't there enough ships?"

Movie Director: Now here's the scene where you jump off the cliff.
Nervous Actor: Yeah, but suppose I get killed?
Movie Director: Don't worry. It's the last scene in the picture.

Teacher: What's wrong with this sentence, "The horse and cow is in the field."?
Student: Ladies should come first.

Father: Where's tonight's paper?
Son: I wrapped the garbage in it and threw it out.
Father: I wanted to see it.
Son: There wasn't much to see. Only a banana peel, a steak bone, and some coffee grounds.

Ned: Oh, I'm a good speaker. I once spoke at Yankee Stadium before a crowd of thousands.
Ted: What did you say?
Ned: Peanuts, popcorn, ice cream, candy…..

Customer: There's a fly in the bottom of my tea cup, waiter. What does this mean?
Waiter: How do I know? I'm a waiter, not a fortune-teller.

Jimmy: Hey, Dad, there's a big black cat in the dining room.
Dad: That's all right, Jimmy. Black cats are lucky.
Jimmy: I'll say. This one just ate your dinner.

Customer: When I bought this cat, you told me he was good for mice. He doesn't even go near them.
Pet Shop Owner: Isn't that good for mice?

Grandpa was complaining about a severe pain in his left leg.
"It must be old age," suggested the Mr. Bufford.
"Can't be that," snapped Grandpa. "My right leg is just as old as my left one, and it doesn't hurt a bit."

Mike: Hey, what are you doing wearing my raincoat?
Peter: You wouldn't want your best suit to get wet, would you?

"Why does an elephant paint himself red?"
"I don't know, why?"
"So he can hide in a cherry tree."
"But I've never seen an elephant in a cheery tree."
"See how good it works"

Mother: Elizabeth, when you gave the baby his bath, did you use the thermometer as I told you to?
Elizabeth: No, Mom, I can tell without that. If the water's too hot, the baby turns red, and if it's too cold, he
turns blue.

"My name is Charles S. Munchinson."
"What does the S stand for?"
"Nothing. My father dropped a noodle on my birth certificate."

Mr. Dubbins arrived for work an hour late. His clothes were torn and tattered. He was banged and bruised, and he had one arm in a sling. His boss was purple with rage.
"It's ten o'clock," screamed the boss. "You were supposed to be here at nine. What happened?"
"I'm sorry," explained Mr. Dubbins. "I fell out of a ten-story window."
"This took you a whole hour?"

A lecturer announced to his audience that the world would come to an end in about nine billion years.
"How long did you say?" came a terrified voice from the rear.
"Nine billion years."
"Thank goodness!" said the voice. "For a moment I thought you said nine million."

Customer: Do you sell dog biscuits?
Shopkeeper: Yes, sir. Will you eat them here, or shall I send them around to your kennel?

Clock Salesman: I just dropped a clock on the floor, sir.
Store Owner: Did it stop?
Salesman: Certainly. You didn't expect it to go through to the basement, did you?

Hal: Did I return your bike last week?
Cal: No, you didn't. Why?
Hal: I wanted to borrow it again.

Sherlock Holmes: Ah, my dear Doctor Watson, you've donned your long winter underwear.
Doctor Watson: How did you deduce that?
Sherlock Holmes: Elementary, my dear Watson. You've forgotten to wear your trousers.

"Doctor," complained the frantic mother, "I don't know what to do. My son insists on emptying ashtrays."
"Well," said the doctor, "that's not unusual."
"Yes, but in his mouth?"

Fortune Teller: I charge $5 for two questions.
Man: Isn't that expensive?
Fortune Teller: I don't think so. Now what is your second question?

Mother: Susie, didn't I ask you to notice when the soup boiled over?
Susie: I did, Mom. It was 7:30.

For an important opening night, a couple received a pair of theatre tickets, anonymously sent.
They phoned all their friends to find out who'd sent the tickets, but to no avail. Nobody knew who sent them. They racked their brains saying, "From whom? From whom?"
Opening night, they attended the theater. It was an excellent performance, but they couldn't enjoy it properly, for worrying about where the tickets came from.
When they got home from the show, they found their apartment ransacked. Every single thing of any value had been stolen, and on the table was a note reading, "Now you know from whom!"

A woman was standing in front of the hippopotamus' cage at the zoo. She asked the attendant, "Is your hippo a male or female?"
"That, madam," replied the attendant, "is a question that should only interest another hippopotamus."

Nurse: Doctor, there's an invisible man in the waiting room.
Doctor: Tell him I can't see him.

Teacher: Can you give me the formula for water?
Student: H-I-J-K-L-M-N-O.
Teacher: Where did you get an idea like that?
Student: You told us it was H to O.

Airplane Passenger (to woman seated next to him): Lady, do you know the name of the airport this plane just left?
Woman: No, I don't. Why?
Airplane Passenger: Because your little boy got off there and didn't get back on.

Patient: Doctor, can you give me a pill that gets rid of pains in the neck?
Doctor: If there was such a pill, you wouldn't be here now.

Husband: I'm tired of collecting stamps. I need a hobby I can make some money at.
Wife: Why don't you try collecting garbage!

Two men were looking at Niagara Falls. One man was from New York and one from Texas.
"I'll bet you don't have anything like that in Texas," boasted the New Yorker.
"No," said the Texan, "but we have a plumber who could fix that leak in ten minutes.

Dora: Doctor, come at once! Our baby has just swallowed a pen!
Doctor: I'll be right there. What are you doing in the meantime?
Dora: Using a pencil.

BacK