This is frequently so difficult to act upon, but our families are the arenas in which we face so many challenges, and in which we can practice various techniques.
Suppose the mother of the family has become a 'doting servant'. She may feel great joy and love in having so many opportunities for exhaustion and self-sacrifice, but the chances are it will be otherwise, and her joy will be losing its shine. She may realise that she is suffering, but in the long run those she waits upon like a slave will suffer too - they will lose independence, and they will fall for the temptations to become lazy, arrogant, insolent and unskilled. If a boy becomes those things, the mother has done no favours to his future wife.
Suppose the father of the family is lazy and abusive, harsh-tongued, inconsiderate, and treates his wife in private in a way that would make others shudder if he were to act like that in public. Sometimes a father remembers his Islamic duty towards his mother, but neglects his manners towards his wife. Some men do this quite innocently, simply regarding their spouses as extensions of their own selves and forgetting that they are Muslims in their own right! Moreover, a man who is churlish towards his wife is setting a terrible example for his son to follow; how can the son be expected to honour his mother when he sees his father treat her with contempt?
Remember the wonderful sunnah of our dear Prophet (salAllahu alayhi wasalam), of whom Aishah (radiAllahu anha) recorded that his private life WAS the Qur'an. He was never a case of being impressive towards his rich and influential friends, but a miserable or domineering or collapsed couch-potato at home. Remember that our Lord Allah has no difficulty in seeing through walls, and observing our most intimate behaviour. And our angels always record it, no matter what we do.
A Muslim father is intended to be the Imam for his household, the qawwam - the carer and provider - ready to share its hardships as well as its joys, like a good master or employer never forcing another to do what is beyond them, or what he would not do himself, and paying the worker his (or in this case, usually her) dues before the sweat dries. Such a man is a diamond, and how fortunate are the women who have found them.
But supposing the family has become an unhappy place. Is there anything that can be done about it? In this short article I cannot attempt the impossible, but I am going to take the example of stress caused by inconsiderate behaviour, and suggest six practical stages that are generally recognised as workable technique in assertiveness training. Inconsiderate behaviour is a huge umbrella title, that covers so many things - from irritating personal habits, to the ways people speak to you or deal with you, to such things as family members refusing to join in general household rules. Whatever example we choose, the principles can be taken across to fit many situations.
Suppose it is a case of your son/husband/anyone continuously doing something that really makes you unhappy - such as a teenager bringing in a tribe of noisy and untidy friends, and leaving you with all the debris.
Stage One - State the problem clearly and specifically, making sure they take on board what the problem actually is.
'Dear Son, I noticed on Thursday that you had your friends in the living room again, and when they went you walked off and left me all their debris to clear up. This has happened six times this month at least.'
Stage Two - Make it clear how what they are doing affects you. Express it in terms of 'I', not 'You'. That way, they can't argue with it.
'This meant that I had to stay out of the way and I felt like an intruder in my own house, particularly when they smoked and I don't like the smell of it. I felt angry because you had not told me they were coming, let alone asked me, and just assumed I would move out of your way and would also clear up after them.'
Stage Three - State clearly what you want.
'I would prefer it in future if you would let me know in advance, at least with a phone call, and check with me if it is convenient for you all to use our family space. I dont mind sitting in my room on odd occasions, so long as I know about it, or you ask very nicely. If not, I'd like you to entertain in your room, please, and in any case, to be responsible for clearing up.'
Stage Four - State what you hope the results of all this co-operation will be. You trust them to understand your very reasonable point of view, and to respond responsibly and make the right decisions.
Stage Five - What if they don't take you seriously, and just ignore it all? Don't let the matter drop; persevere, stand your ground. Don't get angry or upset, but be firm. Remember that to many spouses or teenagers this is a game. They expect to win, but usually accept with good grace eventually so long as they can see you are in the right.
Stage Six - If you still fail, take direct action. For example, you could go and sit in your teenager's room, open their 'secrets' cupboard or fiddle about with some of the things they cherish, and leave some of your own mess there. That would most likely make the point. Or if it was a case of their playing very loud music, go ahead and play some of your own music very loudly at the same time. Whatever. Just make the point.
The real point is not to wade in to the attack (which you will almost certainly lose) with cries of 'You ALWAYS do.......' or 'You NEVER do........' Switch it all round so that what you are saying is that 'Whenever you do this, I feel that.' They cannot tell you that you do NOT feel that way. Then, if they know they are upsetting you and still continue to do so, the burden of guilt falls upon them, and they must take the responsibility of the results of making you so unhappy.
I would like to end with a prayer adapted from one that is well-known in the Christian world from which I came, and which is very helpful.
'O our Dear Lord, please gve me the power to change what I can change, to accept patiently that which I cannot change, and the grace to know the difference.
Ameen.'
Remember, Allah will not attempt to change things for us, until we take on the responsibility of changing ourselves.
May God bless you.
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