Barnz
Full name: Barnz Spank-Temple Gooligong.
Member of Mutant Cabaray 1986 � present day. Drummed on Bobs Your Spunkle and then started playing other instruments on Tubular Bellend.
Started life as an embryo growing in a sac on Keith Chegwin�s leg.
Bough, Frank
Coke head old man whos name should be spelt Boff.
This former fashion guru and potato blighter brought us the phrases �I�d like to give her a frank boffing!� & �Boff me Frankly!�
Bubbly Bath Water
Horse who ran in 4:15 horse race. Alan Hart tipped him
Campsite Roger
Proprietor of Big Rogers Pleasure Park By The Sea. Having retired from the cabaret scene in 1989, Roger pursued his dream and eventually got to run his own campsite. It�s a very camp site indeed where latex guy ropes are more used inside tents than out! Roger is a very nice man, if a little too overtly homosexual for everyone�s taste. He is particularly good at wangling bent poles (that�s poles not Poles) straight with his psychic Uri Geller style powers. He does swear a lot, �twat� is a favourite word of his, but he doesn�t have any nasty thoughts at all and probably doesn�t even know what twat means.
Chaz
Full name: Chaz Jonny John Quince Jonny Queller McGill. AKA Chilli Con Charlie.
Member of Mutant Cabaray in the classic Bob�s Your Spunkle era. Keyboardist extraordinary.
Formally a member of Spear of Destiny, Chaz was in the children�s film foundation classic �Chopper�s Secret Dinosaur�
Cleaver, Trevor
Ugly fat ginger twat from Grange Hill with volcanic complexion and surly disposition often, bizarrely, in league with Imelda Davies. Penchant for export lager which caused him to fall asleep on yet another school trip abroad and float out to sea on a tyre. Vince Savage was his hopeless one-man 'gang'.
A naked life size effigy of Cleaver made entirely of latex is activated upon the pulling of lever number 3 on the Fetish Machine �
Dark Globe
Horse who ran in �4:15 Horse Race�
Doz
Full name: Dozvaldo Ardillies. AKA Doz Wolfrobes.
Member of Mutant Carabay 1986 �present day.
Singer, bassist and player of various analogue groove machines.
It is a little known fact that Doz wrote �Hello� for Lionel Ritchie.
Fetish Machine
An interesting contraption designed, erected and enjoyed by mutant cabaray. It contains various levers and handles each activating one of many pleasures too numerous to mention. Cocker spaniels, bum spanking sandals and greased nipples all feature heavily as does a certain naked Grange Hill pupil! The full extent of the pleasure is to be heard on the album �Tubular Bellends� in the song Fetish Machine.
Firks
Full Name: Firks Farkin Firks
Member of Mutant Cabaray during the classic Bob�s Your Spunkle era. Guitarist and circus freak.
Firks�s arms are made out of pipe cleaners and he used to be Clive Gibbons in Neighbours.
Franco
Ice cream man and friend of my whippy. Kill Franco, he�s a sicko. Italian and resembling the Mario brothers, �fish breath� lures children into his van for perverted fun.
Garden, The
The garden of Eden, the garden for whipping and bondage. A place of pleasure where the sun is always shining and leather clad people writhe around and sleep in the flower beds. Where Leather Gnome lives and rules with a whip of leather.
GI Joe
The name of the action man in �Birthday Suite�, like all action men he has no knob. Action man is a misnomer really considering it is impossible to get any action out of him. The eagle eyes don�t really make up for it.
Giles
A twat who sat behind a hideously large panel of numerous lights and dials. The death of Giles is chronicled in the song �like swords�. He was beaten about the head by mutant cabaray when they brandished their instruments and equipment, held them aloft and smacked his brains out. Giles was dead a-hey-head.
Hart, Alan
Racing expert. He tipped the horse �Bubbly Bath Water� in �4:15 Horse Race� it didn�t win.
Human Sundial
What a man becomes if he lies naked in a sunlit garden in a state of arousal.
Leather Gnome
Mutant Carabay�s friend and emblem. Mentioned in �The Garden� as wearing leather and being there for our perverted pleasure. He holds a whip, has fangs and his head can rotate making him a very special gnome indeed. He is leather clad and is a strict master.
Marz
Full name Marz �On Guitarz� Rodent-Insertion.
Member of Mutant Cabaray during the outstanding Tubular Bellends Phase. Guitarist.
Marz, ever popular with the ladies, would often be seen frequenting cheese festivals disguised as pope Pious III (for no reason).
Moulinex
The manufacturer of the whisk used by Doz to turn the girl of whipped cream (see Whipped cream, the girl of) into cream so he could eat her.
Mr Whippy
Son of Chip Van Winkle and a perverted blighter. Ice cream man who makes a living selling 69 flakes to unsuspecting children. The jokes on his lolly sticks are of an adult nature. We implore you to kill Mr Whippy, he aint no hippy! He�s all sticky with a mystery white mess.
Nicks
A camp saxophone player with pictures of semi naked male athletes on his bedroom wall. CREASE UP. The character Neil n�takit was based on Nicks. He was born of an unholy alliance twixt woman and Nick Beggs, bass player from Kajagoogoo.
Pilling, Roston �Strange Beard�
Northern school teacher and careers advisor at the Ferrers School with a beard resembling a rather less anarchic Ming the Merciless. A right bastard to you when you were a little kid but as you grew up, you realized he was actually a decent bloke who just likes a bit of discipline (this has been confirmed by Polystyrina). Rock on Royston! We love you. He�s sadly out of work when Doz meets him in the song Supermarket Romance.
Psychedelic Donkey
Horse who ran in �4:15 Horse Race.� Now dog meat.
Reagan, Nancy
A pretty lady who is married to an old sod called Ronnie. The first and last lady of alternative rock.
Reagan, Ronnie
An old corpse who is married to Nancy. Have you ever wondered why they haven�t got a child? Have you ever wondered what it would be like if they did??
Squeezy
Squeezy bottle love is both legal and safe and should be encouraged.
Streets of Pink
Where Doz met the girl of whipped cream (see Whipped cream, the girl of)
Uncle Bob
A mysterious man who is crazy like a dog. Often found relieving himself on the swings in Higham rec whilst rock �n rolling or indeed regeaing the night away. A friendly sort but often misunderstood. He is your spunkle.
Whipped Cream, the girl of
An unusual girl who turned into whipped cream after being whipped with a whisk during a fetish session with Doz. Doz then ate her with a spoon.
Chegwin is an anagram of Chewing - if only Keith was an anagram of Box.