my writings |
-Lord Thomas Dewar |
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clarity tonight
5.9.06 But i don't think they were made to be. Even though it's hard to see more than five feet ahead of me I'm thankful for the mind to accept all uncertainty and move on fearlessly now i know my strength its not going anywhere i'll sleep well tonight. |
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move your understanding
4.23.06 i'd be outside getting into trouble and i'd blame it all on the weather fine and lovely i have reached the prime, this night i fear this is all true i fear i'll never reach the ground in time i'm writing a story with the words i've said, tonight it will be a sound for a sore minds ears so what the fuck is wrong with me not that something is wrong but an axis tilted is a gear shifted slightly off what is happening this can't be my deprived conscious, my deprived conscience the ticking clock hasn't signaled a break stop the sweetness i'm like elsa, not sweet this time, my old friend i'm beside myself, i and my mind are beside me what a peculiar scenic situtaion and this is all for you but i'm taking it with me you'll know what to do when you tell yourself, "i can" who knows what this means i don't know but i will tomorrow when i look back on it, i read and make a second interpretations between fabric lines of my chaotic releases |
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letting it go
3.10.06 the throbbing blurrs of thought and vision are as we are flawed i can't stop the noises that don't belong to me i belong to them the past days they taunted me this is not a drill or dream one of these things is not like the other i want you to be insignificant when i look again i know i put it there but i want it out out of my brain out of my infected body i closed my eyes and covered my ears but it still doesn't feel right so just stop the process they'll like you more and they'll like you because we don't play around up here it was all in your head cut it away it will melt and disappear nothing will stay out with the old and new none of the tried or true because i've stopped believing |
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random outburst thought
just take me back i don't care about the costs things were so safe and things were so scary i cannot believe how nostagic, is my denial close my eyes make me dream lies again and see truths in illusions it's okay life isn't as serious it's perfect. |
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i could've wrote this
3.14.06 that everytime it hurts i think of you and everything i'd change if i could and while i've made peace with the past part of me still wishes that it would've lasted just one more night don't think it should so this is the last day that i will think about the days i tried to feel i've deep-rooted memories into this song it's harder then you'll ever know to cry to let myself break down to get back up and live the days away each identical to its first disaster it's just a line i'm searching through to find whatever it is i lost that nigh t sobbing loss of all control over my words and thoughts the same they gave no comfort or consolation i let it go but it comes back everytime this boomerang emotion crashes into me and i'm helpless and lost but i won't admit you're the reason it's just the shifting of the seasons throwing me off balance i just won't think about it i'm happy for your loss, your gain i hate your pleasure and pain this time somethings holding me back how is it that i haven't broken down i haven't frowned or kept a smile just keep silent and let them stare they notice the difference not big enough to mention my grip is slipping get over me so i can be over you i'll be back in a few days. just, you are my friend. |
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we had to grow up
on which i could fall back forever nothing is wrong momentarily but we had to grow up sometime now those are just memories of something we were and people we will never be again it's sad to think i'll never know that closeness the same way but it had to end sometime something so familiar had to fall apart it always does and i moved away that autumn seems so far away from where i am i'm so different fourty minutes is a lifetime and when i go back every now and then i see nothing has changed but nothing is quite the same you have evolved beyond me and i have evolved beyond myself |
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i have no name
leave me to my tears you are all passers by you'll be gone tomorrow all i have is myself the glass can't be half anything if there is no glass to fill i'll be waiting forever that's what we do wait for the perfect ending that will never come true and i'm tired of being tired i try so hard to feel the way i don't want pity or even sympathy just hear my voice prove my lonely heart wrong this is all just an illusion i'll wake up soon |
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nothing fits together
these weaving emotions have got me searching for something i just can't reach i don't know what i need anymore nothing stays the same reality keeps shifting these thoughts and i'm to blame but once i find an anchor strong enough to hold me down i'll hold on to forever, this time just keep me safe and sound |
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autumn leaves
leaves of autumn have fallen down down down the young ones flutter and find their reflection i'm more lost with this realization than i was a decade ago those minutes hold meaning to me how unperfect i must be and something must be wrong i haven't found my reflection yet i won't desire because i cannot possess im stuck in this dark place and i'll wait for the smallest ray to bring me back home |
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afterlife
i said the words and i swear i heard the lies coming out of my mouth months of denial blurred the truth as i saw it i was so close to losing i didn't realize i've already won now you can't have my tears my words my thoughts my fears i desired something that you can't provide i knew it then i knew this whole time even before the great divide it feel so good to know you're no longer here haunting my brain i swear i'm better that girl sits with jealous eyes watch her closely she'll help you realize the irreversable mistake you've made i can't wait to let you down hell i've built you up these past two years i'd love to bring you down if only for satisfaction in the birth of balance and the heart never lies it just takes me some time to disect and define it's universal language now i'm queen of the moutain and i love looking down on lesser mortals like you |