In the arena, John Cena�s music hits and out comes Ce�no, wait, he�s waayy too bald to be the real John Cena. Angle is out in shorts and a Jax Jags (Mark Brunell) jersey. �Cena� does a weak rhyme, and then explains to the crowd the rhyming words. This is great! It gets better as �Cena� calls out Kurt Angle � and out comes a midget in Angle�s gear. He will be referred to herein as Kurt Ankle. Ankle snatches the mic and chases �Cena� out of the ring (!) before starting an audience participation �Cena/wiener� chant. �Cena� finally charges Ankle & misses. Ankle gets the ANKLE LOCK~! on �Cena�, but the REAL John Cena is out to stop this. �You think this is funny, Kurt?!� Hells yeah it is! Midgets rule! Ankle hits a low blow and Angle goes to the beatdown. John Cena vacates as we go to:
Commercial.
Back to Chris Benoit vs. Doug Basham.
Collar-and-elbow tie-up results in a break. A second results in a top wristlock and armdrag be Benoit. Doug returns the favor and runs his mouth. Bad move � Benoit goes for the Crossface, but Doug escapes via the ropes. Doug escapes and slips back in but catches a forearm to the mouf. Snap suplex and hard chops in the corner by Benoit. Corner whip and a back elbow. Doug finally answers with a jawbreaker. Whip to the ropes and a reversal sees a chop and a knee before Doug gets tossed into Danny outside. Benoit goes for the suicide dive and MISSES, eating a heaping helping of floor. Owwch...! Doug tosses Benoit back in for 2. Doug with forearms and kicks in the corner evolving to a mudhole stomping on Benoit. Doug chokes away as Danny distracts the ref. Doug gets a snap mare and two vicious legdrops to Benoit�s neck. Stop that! Neck wringer by Doug as Benoit takes him over. No dice � Doug locks on a neck vise on the mat. Good offense by this kid. Whip to the corner and Benoit fires back with an elbow. He charges and gets dumped onto the top turnbuckle for his troubles. Doug goes for a legdrop from the top and misses. The standing 10 count is on and Doug is up by 4. Benoit gets the drop on him, however, with chops and a 2 back elbow knockdowns, followed by a 2 count. Corner whip by Benoit and a Release German suplex. Danny slips Doug a chair for naught � Benoit dropkicks the thing right in his face! The ref gets the chair out, and Doug and Danny pull a SWITCHEROO~! Benoit goes for the head butt and misses by a country mile. Danny covers and only gets 2~! Benoit is up to hand Danny the Rolling German suplexes and slap him in the Crossface. Danny taps and Benoit is your winner. Jesus Christ, the Bashams pull the Identical Twin Bait And Switch after a crucial miscue by Benoit, and they STILL can�t get a win. I�ll bet that OVW is looking really cozy to these 2 again. It�s getting to a point that these 2 couldn�t even buy credibility as formidable opponents. A-Train jumps Benoit with a chair and the refs try keeping the two apart, failing miserably. Benoit is finally pulled out of the ring and the Stephy interview is pimped again by Cole as we go to:
Commercial.
Back to Stephanie McMahon�s sit down with Michael Cole from earlier today. Stephanie is banned from the building on what may be her last night as GM and...
Okay, you know what? Here�s the Reader�s Digest Condensed Version (since I REFUSE) to recap this entire thing): The McMahon Family history is covered. Linda got dragged in to it all. Stephy cries over how Dad treats her. She hates him and loves him, blah, blah freakin� blah. This is a sure-fire cure for insomnia. Granted, there isn�t much that they can do to make me want to see this match as it is. With the way this has been built, however, THEY couldn�t pay ME enough to want to watch this match now. From what I�ve heard, the live crowd in Cincinnati HATED this segment to the point that, if it weren�t �pre-taped�, she�d have been booed out of the building. I notice none of that crowd reaction made it to TV. And again, what did Baltimore ever do to deserve this? They just got over being under several feet of water � wasn�t that punishment enough??
Backstage, Jamie Noble and Nidia think Vince sucks, and Tajiri hears all of it in the background. Tajiri runs and tells Vince all about it in broken English. Tattletale. Vince promptly books a match between Tajiri and Noble next as we go to:
Commercial.
Back to Tajiri vs. Jamie Noble w/Nidia.
Collar-and-elbow tie-up to start. Kick by Tajiri is followed by armdrag and twist by Noble. Forearms by Tajiri leads to a headlock, but Noble shoots him off into the ropes and gets a shoulderblock. Tajiri into the ropes this time but catches a knee to the gut courtesy of Noble. Tajiri backs Noble into a corner and hits a few elbows. As the ref tries to separate, Tajiri nails a loud Kawada kick to Noble�s skull. Ow. Tajiri drapes Noble�s leg over the rope and goes to work. Dragon Screw legwhip and a knee-breaker by Tajiri. More kicks into a leg grapevine submission by Tajiri. This is why I love Tajiri - the Japanese, cruiserweight equivalent of Arn Anderson. Pick an area of the body and whoop the unforgiving shit out of it. Noble is up and gets a sunset flip on Tajiri for 2. Standing 10 count ensues (is this our Move of the Night? More like Spot of the Night, maybe...?). Noble is up and kicks away at Tajiri before a clothesline. To the ropes and Noble goes down and gets kicked again. Noble recovers for another 2 count. Noble goes for a butterfly suplex � but can�t get it due to the bad leg. Nice selling, Jamie. Powerbomb attempt by Tajiri and both men wind up going over and out. Tajiri goes for the Cruiserweight Belt, but Nidia rolls in and tries to wrestle it away from him. Tajiri answers with the rare, deadly BLACK Mist~! Nidia goes outside to scream in agony and Noble follows to take care of her, calling for help. Tajiri leaves, smiling, as we go to:
Commercial.
Back to the back, where Nidia is freaking out big time. As she is tended to, Noble leaves...
Replay of the Mist shot � THREE TIMES. Okay, we saw it! Tazz makes a good point, though � �They need to flush out her eyes, not look at her with a flashlight! What�re they doing??� Noble comes out to the ring to bitch at Tajiri and call him out. Boy, he looks PISSED~! Tajiri doesn�t show, so Noble heads to the back � and is met at the curtain by Brock Lesnar (sporting a new Ring Rage t-shirt). Lesnar nails Noble and kicks his ass all the way back to the ring, ending the carnage with an F5 on the floor. Enjoy the baby food, Noble. Vince�s music hits as he is out with Sable the Skag Whore. Terrific. Vince and Brock shake hands and Brock leaves. Vince can�t get over Stephy�s �Academy Award-winning performance�. Umm, Vince, this IS television. Wouldn�t that constitute an Emmy? Anyway, another long-winded McPromo follows as Vince invokes the old expression �Spare the rod, spoil the child � but this Sunday, I will NOT spare the rod.� Eww, sick, dude! The crowd is dead for this whole thing. No hiding that one. Sable opens her mouth (only to talk this time), saying she will �stand by her man� at No Mercy, unlike Linda, who can kiss her man goodbye. And Linda hasn�t filed divorce papers yet because...? Vince and Sable suck face and make me want to puke. Cole � �Give. Me. A. Break.� Preach on, brother. Vince sneaks in a funny and guiltily waves hi to Linda as we go to:
Commercial.
Back to footage of the SmackDown crew in Europe on the �Passport to Pain� tour.
Back to the arena, Eddie enters � slowly � in a big-ass low rider truck, complete with kickin� front hydraulics. We see a replay of last week�s shitbath on the Big Show. That�s just nasty. Since when did SmackDown become Jackass? Chavito�s not here, by the way...
Eddie Gurrero (c) vs. Rhyno � US Title Match
Collar-and-elbow tie-up to start results in a side headlock by Rhyno. And no, a C&E tie-up does not qualify for Move of the Night because it�s a traditional starter. Eddie sends Rhyno to the ropes and gets shoulderblocked down. Eddie now with the side headlock and he gets launched. On the return trip, he drops Rhyno with a shoulderblock. As if. Test of strength and Rhyno easily wins that one. A kick to the gut helps ensure the advantage. Eddie tries a few kicks of his own and gets Rhyno into the disadvantage. He stomps on Rhyno�s fingers. Heh. Rhyno clubs Eddie�s back and gets him into the corner. Once there, Eddie turns him around and chops away at the chest. Rhyno lands a kick to the gut and goes for a powerbo�no, he dumps Eddie face-first on the turnbuckle. Owch. Cover by Rhyno gets 2. Rhyno applies a neck vise (maybe THAT�S our Move of the Night) and sends Eddie to the ropes for an awesome spinebuster. That gets another 2 count. Rhyno goes for the US Belt and referee Nik Patrick (what�s he doing here?) grabs it away from him. Eddie takes the opportunity to hit a beauty dropkick Headscissors by Eddie followed by the Rolling Vertical suplexes. Eddie goes up for the Frog Splash, but meets Rhyno�s knees on the way down. Ref gives the standing 10 count (now our official Spot of the Night) as we go to:
Commercial.
Back, and Rhyno has Eddie in the Sharpshooter. Tazz invokes the Bret Hart comparison � tonight, of all nights. See above. Eddie reaches for the ropes, but Rhyno drags him back in. Eddie finally grabs a leg and trips Rhyno out of the move as Cole thinks it�s the greatest counter ever. Rhyno beats on Eddie�s back before feeding Eddie some turnbuckle. Out of the corner, Eddie fires back with rights and an Irish Whip for a leg lariat (which Cole calls an elbow. Did I see that wrong, or is Cole still thinking this is the last time he could see Stephy�s boobs in person?). Eddie covers for 2 before going up top. Rhyno meets him there and nails a superplex, still working the back. Nice. Cover by Rhyno for 2. Rhyno goes up top this time, and Eddie greets him with a hurracanrana off the top for 2. Eddie swears it was 3 and pays for arguing with the ref by getting dumped outside. Once there, Eddie unties his boot (?) and slips the ring bell hammer (ah) before tying his boot back up. Rhyno goes out and tosses Eddie back in. Eddie fires off some rights, but gets flattened. This sets up the Gore, but Eddie pulls the ref in harm�s way. Rhyno stops just short of killing Nik Patrick and Eddie produces the hammer. Rhyno gets it and is ready to cave in Eddie�s skull before the ref sees it and confiscates. As he gets rid of it, Eddie nails Rhyno with the US Belt. The 3-count is academic after that. What, no Frog Splash? Kinda sucks, but that match was pretty damned cool. Rhyno can tear it up with the right guy, and Eddie is one of those guys.
We see a replay of the finish as Eddie celebrates and gets back in the truck. Big Show emerges to attack both Eddie and his truck with a lead pipe. Show drags Eddie out and tosses him against the truck before he wrecks the truck with said pipe. Big Show takes turns destroying Eddie and the truck. Show then concentrates on Eddie, powerbombing him onto the hood of the truck. Oww~! Eddie�s back is bloodied up. Show dumps Eddie onto the roof before climbing the back and chokeslamming Eddie onto the roof! SonofaBITCH! Eddie is out cold as Big Show leaves and we go to:
Commercial.
Back to Moments Ago: a replay of the slaughter. During The Break, Eddie was helped to the back.
Rey Mysterio vs. Johnny �The Bald� Stamboli
Johnny is out without the rest of the FBI. So much for the familia. Johnny starts by beating on Rey before getting caught in a headscissors. Johnny gets him in the corner, lays the boots to him, then nails a HUGE full nelson into a backbreaker. That had to hurt. Modified CHINLOCK by Johnny. Knees and an Irish Whip and Rey springboards off the ropes. Johnny catches him and ties him in the Tree of Woe. Johnny charges to no avail. Ringpost, meet Johnny. Johnny, ringpost. You 2 get acquainted. Rey hits a purty moonsault press for 2. A dropkick to the knee and a springboard senton gets another 2 for Rey. Out of the corner, Johnny gets another backbreaker for 2. Powerbomb attempt by Johnny gets countered into a sunset flip by Rey gets countered by Johnny jacking Rey up gets countered by Rey drilling Johnny. Shot to the kidneys sets Johnny up for the 619~!, but Johnny catches him (!) and lands yet another backbreaker. Rey catches the West Coast Pop out of nowhere, however, and this one is over.
In the back, Undertaker is getting ready for an interview. Brock is watching on as we go to:
Commercial.
Back to Matt Hardy giving Shannon Moore his gift for his victory on Velocity � a framed picture of...Matt! What did you expect? John Heinrech (or however you spell it � and I thought he was all on Austin�s dick on Raw...) shows up and asks Matt to hand his videotape to Stephy. Matt corrects him, stating that Stephy won�t be around after Sunday. Is he clairvoyant or what? Matt says he�ll get the tape to the right people � and promptly throws it in the garbage after John walks away.
We get a rundown of the card for No Mercy with the official theme song � �Today Is The Day� by Dope. Whoa, I didn�t know they had a new album coming out! Word!
Cole and Tazz interview the Undertaker (who�s in the back). Undertaker explains the rules of the Biker Chain Match � the chain is hanging �somehow� (Magic? Anti-gravity field? Come on, the suspense is gonna kill me here!) from the ceiling. First man to grab it uses it. Undertaker is intimidating and ready to be the champ again. Cole asks his opinion on Vince and Stephy (is he just obsessed with her or something?). Undertaker really hopes Stephy can pull it off, but Vince is evil and Stephy�s in for a long night. So is �Taker as Brock attacks with the chain. Brock wraps the chain around Undertaker�s neck and drags him out of the camera�s view as we go to out last:
Commercial.
Back in the arena, Brock is dragging �Taker to the ring and kicking his ass 8 ways from Sunday. Undertaker fires back with rights, but gets dropped and dragged to ringside. Near the ring, �Taker tries comeback #2, which fails. Brock wraps his fist up in the chain and beats on �Taker before sending him into the steel steps. Brock chokes �Taker out with the chain AND his boot, just to be sure. Undertaker gets posted, and then hung over the top turnbuckle. Brock kicks away as he hangs �Taker. Now you know what the Bossman felt like at WrestleMania XV! Not too good, huh? Before turning a 9th shade of blue, �Taker finally escapes with boots to the face and rolls into the ring. Brock follows and drops him with a clothesline before choking him out with the chain some more. Brock goes for the F5, but �Taker wraps the chain around Brock�s throat to escape that fate. Rights by Undertaker and a low blow by Brock. Lesnar walks into a chokeslam, however, and bails shortly thereafter. And, as they say in the Rasslin� business, we�re out of time for this week.
Credit: 411mania.com & WrestlingAttitude.com