| Perfect Day for Woman and Man's follows! Perfect Day for a Woman 8:15 Wake up to hugs and kisses. 8:30 Weigh 5 lbs. lighter than yesterday. 8:45 Breakfast in bed, fresh squeezed orange juice and croissants. 9:15 Soothing hot bath with fragrant lilac bath oil. 10:00 Light workout at club with handsome, funny personal trainer. 10:30 Facial, manicure, shampoo, and comb out. 12:00 Lunch with best friend at an outdoor cafe. 12:45 Notice ex-boyfriend's wife, she has gained 30 lbs. 1:00 Shopping with friends. 3:00 Nap. 4:00 A dozen roses delivered by florist. Card is from a secret admirer. 4:15 Light workout at club followed by a gentle massage. 5:30 Pick outfit for dinner. Primp before mirror. 7:30 Candlelight dinner for two followed by dancing. 10:00 Hot shower. Alone. 10:30 Make love. 11:00 Pillow talk, light touching and cuddling. 11:15 Fall asleep in his big, strong arms. Perfect Day for a Man 8:00 Alarm. 8:01 Make Love To Girlfriend. 8:02 Massive dump while reading the sports section. 8:30 Breakfast. Filet Mignon, eggs, toast and coffee. 9:00 Limo arrives. 9:02 Bloody Mary en route to airport. 9:15 Private jet to Augusta, Georgia. 9:55 Limo to Augusta National Golf Club. 10:00 Play front nine at Augusta, finish 2 under par. 12:00 Lunch. 2 dozen oysters on the half shell.3 Heinekens. 12:15 Make Love to Waitress. 12:16 Play back nine at Augusta, finish 4 under par. 2:15 Limo back to airport. Drink 2 Bombay martinis. 2:30 Private jet to Nassau, Bahamas. Nap. 3:15 Late afternoon fishing excursion with topless female crew. 4:30 Catch world record light tackle marlin-1249 lbs. 5:00 Jet back home. En route, get massage from naked supermodel. 7:00 Watch Sportscenter. CNN Newsflash. 8:00 Dinner. Lobster appetizers, 1963 Dom Perignon,20 Oz. New York strip. 9:00 Relax after dinner with 1789 Augler Cognacand Cohiba Cuban cigar. 10:00 Have sex with nymphomaniac Girlfriend. 11:00 Massage and Jacuzzi. 11:45 Go to bed (Alone). 11:50 Let loose a 12 second, 4 octave fart. Watch the dog leave the room. 11:55 Laugh yourself to sleep A wife was berating her husband. He motioned for her to quiet down saying, "Don't unleash the beast in me." The wife snickered and replied, "Unlike a lot of women, 'dear', I'm not the least bit afraid of a mouse." " TEXAS IN THE . . .GOOD OL' SUMMETIME !! " The best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance. You discover that, in July, it only takes 2 fingers to steer your car. You actually burn your hand opening the car door, You break into a sweat the instant you step outside at 7:30 a.m. The birds have to use potholders to pull worms out of the ground, You realize that asphalt has a liquid state, The temperature drops below 95 and you feel a little chilly. Sweat is a condiment. A slight " shower " prediction means hurricane evacuation is possible and likely !! The roadways get so hot that sometimes chunks of concrete " jump " up in the air like POPCORN !! ( No butter or salt ! ) Loyal fishermen rent AIR CONDITIONED storage garages for their boat-motor-trailer rig !! People buy lawn mowers with headlights so mowing can be done between midnight and 2 A.M. When " going on a picnic " means a meal at a nice restaurant with Bar-B-Q, cold potato salad, and the trimmings. When a patio table umbrella is used to shade the outside air conditioning unit ! A sunburn { !! } on the back of your legs is from leather car seats and not the beach !!!!!!!! When 10 gallons of gas put in the car/truck after 6 P.M. gives more LIQUID that doing the same at 3 in the afternoon. When the devil-himself sticks his head out of a manhole cover, yells " HELL NO !! ", and dives back home !!!! |