| The Senility Prayer God grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones that I do and the eyesight to tell the difference. Now that I'm 'older' (but refuse to grow up), here's what I've discovered: 1). I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it. 2). My wild oats have turned into prunes and All Bran. 3). I finally got my head together; now my body is falling apart. 4). Funny, I don't remember being absent minded... 5). All reports are in; life is now officially unfair. 6). If all is not lost, where is it? 7). It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser. 8). Some days you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant. 9). I wish the buck stopped here; I sure could use a few... 10). Kids in the back seat cause accidents. 11). Accidents in the back seat cause...kids. 12). It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere. 13). Only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in the bathroom. 14). If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees. 15). When I'm finally holding all the cards, why does everyone decide to play chess? 16). It's not hard to meet expenses... they're everywhere. 17). The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth. 18). These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter I go somewhere to get something and then wonder what I'm here after. The Carpenter An elderly carpenter was ready to retire. He told his employer contractor of his plans to leave the house building business and live a more leisurely life with his wife enjoying his extended family. He would miss paycheck, but he needed to retire. They could get by. The contractor was sorry to see his good worker go and asked if he could build just one more house as a personal favor. The carpenter said yes, but in time it was easy to see that his heart was not in his work. He resorted to shoddy workmanship and used inferior materials. It was an unfortunate way to end a dedicated career. When the carpenter finished his work the employer came to inspect the house. He handed the front-door key to the carpenter. "This is your house," he said, "my gift to you". The carpenter was shocked! What a shame! If he had only known he was building his own house, he would have done it all so differently. So it is with us. We build our lives, a day at a time, often putting less than our best into the building. Then with a shock we realize we have to live in the house we have built. If we could do it over, we'd do it much differently. But we cannot go back. You are the carpenter. Each day you hammer a nail, place a board, or erect a wall. "Life is a do-it-yourself project," someone has said. Your attitudes and the choices you make today, build the "house" you live in tomorrow. Build wisely! Remember. Work like you don't need the money. Love like you've never been hurt. Dance like nobody is watching Dear God, Yesterday was an awful day for me. My husband ran off with his secretary, My son pierced his eyebrow, My daughter tattooed the bald spot on her head, My dog mated with the neighbors cat, My neighbor sold her house to a mental institution, My Mom told me I was adopted, My Dad told me he's gay, My boss told me I was laid off, My sister was arrested for prostitution, My house has termites, My car was stolen, All that came in the mail was bills, A plane crash landed on my garage, JO Simpson came to my door selling rug cleaner, And my TV blew. Lord, please be with me today. I was able to live through all that misery yesterday. And I will be able to make it through anything today! But please DON'T LET ANYTHING HAPPEN TO MY COMPUTER! THE TOP TEN REASONS WHY TRICK-OR-TREATING IS BETTER THAN SEX 10. Guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack. 9. If you get tired, wait 10 minutes and go at it again. 8. The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some. 7. You don't have to compliment the person who gave you candy. 6. Person giving you candy doesn't fantasize you're someone else. 5. If you get a stomach ache, it won't last 9 months. 4. If you wear your Batman mask, no one thinks you're kinky. 3. Doesn't matter if kids hear you moaning and groaning. 2. Less guilt the next morning and, the #1 reason trick or treating is better than sex. 1. IF YOU DON'T GET WHAT YOU WANT, YOU CAN ALWAYS GO NEXT DOOR! |