| 2004: |
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| rantings archinve |
| topic : rewind |
| date : may 2, 04 |
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| [an exert from my journal] ...rewind, and i'm turning south on the highway and leaving the city on a whim, driving in my car to where you are, and wondering what the hell i'm going to do when i get there. its april 19th and i'm no different today than i was yesterday. i'm no different except i'm laying on the hood of my car, counting the minutes and the stars, and waiting to call you. and you know, this is exactly where i should be. that was two weeks ago. two weeks, and its all been so much, so quickly, that looking back over it now, the moments compress and flood my memory without sequence or plot. like a stack of photos dumped out before me in no particular order, like a tangled film strip that has been spun off its reel, everything is all mixed together. scene after scene. one scene is, me on a blanket in an open field under the stars, you walking up in the dark, your face shrouded by the night. i gulp and feel my heartbeat in my fingertips. cut to, me realizing everything will forever change in this instant. i pat the ground beside me, sit. rewind and i'm lying on the hood of my car in a completely different field saying into my cell phone, guess where i am. fast-forward and something like six days have past. we're in a dark, empty theatre, with more characters in the film than bodies in the audience. my legs kicked across your lap, your hand on my knee. outside, time is passing as normal, but for now it slows down so i can make a mental note. me, you, and tom hanks. this is our first movie. rewind back and my head is falling into a hotel pillow, my eyes are closing and i worry that i'll open them to find myself in some cold dentist chair, all of it having been some fantastic, delirious dream. but, my eyes did open, and you were there, as though you'd never left my side. fast-forward to now. i'm wrapped tight in warm sheets, smiling, thinking back, and typing this. but not long ago, i was with you on this very bed, avoiding your stare and feeling my cheeks burn. not long ago, you reached for my hand and i pulled away, ashamed. scene : me, standing alone in a crowded park, looking down at my cell phone and seeing your name flash across the face. cut to scene : me, grinning. but before all that, there was this. you sitting at your computer typing out the letters i ' m t i r e d o f t r y i n g. and later, me typing i can drive down. i can drive down. and so i did. writen thursday, april 29th |