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This is based on a true story hence the author has the full copyright. Any republishing is allowed, only the author wishes to get the credit for it and to be linked back to this page. Thank you. THIS IS WHY I AM. THIS IS THE ANSWER I was looking. I was looking for �it� for so long that now I have �it� in my grip, I don�t ever want to let go. Just imagine, almost 17 years, searching, lurking, went high and low just to look for �it�, and suddenly when you got �it�, you know for a fact that �it� can be taken away again from you just like that- it frightens me so much that the grip I have on �it� now is so great, I don�t know how to explain it. �It� came when I least expected it. Yes, �it� came when I least expected it and in a manner that I didn�t know it could come through. �It� can come to you in the way and when you least expected it to. You just cannot prepare for it. Well, I supposed you can, but when it does come during the time you least expected it; it will be a bliss that only you could understand. Death was what made me snapped. I was only 16, only almost 4 months away from getting one year older when I learned about the first death. She had been a good friend. Yet at the moment I wasn�t there she changed. Even though we were separated by the distance, I still checked up on her updates. And in silence, I vowed to face her one day and able to change her back towards her old self. Yet, my wish never came true. It happened so fast- just over a period of about 2 weeks time, and she�s gone. On one Wednesday afternoon I received a phone call, and soon over the phone I was enraged and fuming towards someone else whom I barely know. Yet I was blaming this person for my friend�s accident. I promised the friend who called me that I�ll come down to my hometown in a day more since it was schooldays. Seeing I was so grim, my parents frantically tried to find some tickets to KL. The next night, my mom and I were on a bus to visit my critically-ill-and-now-coma friend about 300 km away from where I was living. When I stepped into the room, cold washed over me. She looked so pale� so fragile that I was so afraid that if I touched her, I was going to break her. Her mother looked haggard, tired and seemed like she had so little sleep. Which mom can sleep when her daughter ended up in ICU, you tell me? Silently, I promised to come and visit her again. This time I vowed to bring something that she could remember for the rest of her life- a veil. Then we�re going to chat and giggle together, like an old time. That also never came true. I was back at home the next day, and life seemed to drift away, without me realizing it was Thursday again. And yes, another phone call, this time from a different friend, but who knew I cared for my bed-ridden friend called me in. I�m not sure what �nazak� is in English, but if you ask me, all I could say that it�s the verge of death, and you only have so little time when death claims you. You might be conscious, unconscious or semi-conscious in this condition. She was admitted out of ICU couple of days after I went back home. And now the complication resurfaced when everybody didn�t expect it. After getting the news, I didn�t feel anything- no anger, no sadness, no grief, and no sorrow. No nothing. I felt numb. So numb that even the tears refused to fall down. After about half an hour, when I was taking the shower, the reality sunk in. That was when I was sobbing and crying my heart out- and that was one of the longest showers I had. Life seemed to be draining off myself. I looked like I was getting sick. So my dad promised that he would drive me the next morning to KL again. We reached KL around 11 a.m. I met my friends in my old school and we were preparing to go to the hospital when a phone call rang at one of my girl friend�s house. She�s gone. We redirected our journey- from going to the hospital that afternoon, to going to the cemetery that night. Most of our friends came and dropped by my girl friend�s house to wait for her body to come. My girl friend�s house was near to the cemetery anyway, so it was a good meeting spot. Our friends who had gone into nearer boarding school and other different school also came that night. That was the first time I�ve been to a funeral. And the images will be in my mind forever. Her death hunted me for days. Until I opened up my mouth and ask my parents- what would happen after we died? And that was the turning point in my life. She was so young- barely 17 years of age. And yet death claimed her. That set me thinking, and even though I know death will come to us at any point in our life, you�ll never feel how true it is until you experience it yourself. That had me going- if she died at the age of 16, when will be my turn? Will I lie comfortably in my grave later on? Or will I be punished for my sins? Will light accompany me in the grave, amid dark surrounding me? Or will the insects and snakes and scorpions be my loyal companions in there? Will I smile for my deeds? Or will I scream of regrets? Those thoughts send shivers in my spine. And that set me moving to find what my purpose is being here on Earth. Why are we here? From where did we come? To where will we end up in? What must we do so that we could go back to Him just as how we were born- as pure as white linen, with lights surround us. Theoretically you know the answer don�t you? But have you done enough to say I�m ready if I�m going to die now? Or do you need more time to just add even a little more deed? Why are we so ignorant even when we know the facts? Back to my story: One event could never lead to the grip I�m having on �it� now. Even with the realization back then, I was still living in my pathetic shell. It was to the point where I felt like everyone else had left me out, and I was being silently shunted away. I hate life at that point. For almost 2 years I was miserable in my own way- All I was thinking was me, me and me� and my pathetic life- the life where everyone else seemed to ignore me. And they enjoyed of doing so. Not a single day went by without me feeling that somebody else is better than me, and that I have nothing. Not even a thing for people to look at me and acknowledge me. Without me realizing it- I was searching for �it�, yet consciously I refused to do so. I was lost in my own way. And I sank deeper each day. Then �it� came again- knocking on my door when I learned of the 3rd significant death in my life. This time, I couldn�t go back home, for I was too far abroad. Yet, this is the place where I first touch �it� and let my hand ran through �it�. This is the place where I was consciously gripping �it� and realized its value for me. This is the place where I tighten my grip on �it� because I know if I loose it, I�d be lost again. And I never want to go back to the dark pit where I was so lost and in misery. I had been searching for �it� for almost 20 years. Now I believe I have �it� in my hand, I never wanted to let go. Let people say I�m acting all-holly and innocent. Let people say I�m conservative and extremist. Let people say I�m hypocrite or two-faced. Let people say I�m old fashion for not trying to venture into the world. Let people say I�m stupid for not taking the opportunities around me. Let people say that I�m self-confined for not going out and have the taste of the outside world. Let people say I�m not experienced for not exploring the world around me. And let people say I�m not modern for wearing what I wear and practicing what I believe. Because I�ve been out of home till the waking of the dawn, and every time I did that, I got sick- literally sick, for your information. Because I�ve tried to be fashionable, but every time I felt uncomfortable and stupidly impractical. Because I�ve been to places that maybe you have never gone, and the memories aren�t the ones I want to keep but aren�t the ones I wish to trade either. Because I�ve been around drunken people, and the experience left scar in me. Because I�ve been out exploring, and now I�ve found different ways and reasons to explore. Because I�ve got the taste of the world, and I know there are a lot of other ways to taste it the same or even better. Because I�ve been alone, and I don�t want to be alone anymore. Because I�ve experience all that for the past 20 years, now I have no wish to go back and repeat them. I�ve got the taste of it, and it is enough for me. I know there are a lot more other ways to gain experience, to gain knowledge to gain information without having to go near all the things you�ve accused me to not having done. Because now I�ve got �it� and I don�t want to let it go. I will keep on looking for �it� for it�s not just one stage of searching. I will keep on finding ways to keep �it� by my side and how to tighten it more. I will always be careful to not letting it go- not even for a second. Because ever since I�ve found �it�, I�ve never felt alone and being left alone. I no longer feel miserable like I once was. I never feel restless like before. What I have now is calmness and content. I�m never the person I was and I can only pray to not being sent back there. Because now I know I have Him, I feel relief. He will give me knowledge and all academic experience, provided I search and study for it. He will give me the so-called experience that you claimed can only be gained through exploring, because He will give them in the way that He approved and He acknowledged. He will give me information on the world because the world is His and He is able to do all sorts of thing that a lot of them even you can�t imagine how. He IS the reason why I am like what I am today. He IS the sole reason why I dress the way I dress today. He IS the only reason why I practice what I practice today. I don�t need any excuse to do what you do, even if you claimed you only went near those things and not doing those specifically. I don�t need any excuse to do what you do, even when you say you know the limits and will never commit yourself to it. Because of Him, I don�t need those excuses. People will try their best to not to talk about death. Because death will remind us that we can no longer enjoy life, tasting the sweat taste of the world, exploring new experience and gain more knowledge on the worldly material. And death will also remind us that there will definitely be The Day of Judgment. And on this Day we will be served with what we deserve. And we�re not ready to let go of all what we have now to face that Day yet. And because we know we still have not enough deeds to send us into Paradise. And maybe because we know in the end we�ll end up in Paradise, so what�s the harm to enjoy now, right? I can no longer see another death and denying myself of all these questions- Have I done enough? Have I fulfill all my responsibilities? Will me deeds overweigh my sins? Am I ready to be shown my past? Can I bare the sun that will be so close that it melts and burns my skin? Will I get the �Shafaat�? Have I reminded my friends and family of this Day? What sort of punishment will I receive? Am I ready to receive them?! So now I�m reminding myself of death every so often to shake myself and keep on looking for His 'nuur'. Because when I�m thinking of Him, I feel so relieved and so calm, I need no excuses. How many times have you remind yourself of death? Return |
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