Mother Dear, See Here, See Here by S.F.M. (musemouth) copyright 2001
I pushed the rumpled motel sheets off of my legs and sat up. In the mirror across the room, I could see my messy hair and the pink imprints of the pillow on my cheeks. A truck roared by outside, rattling the windows. I yawned.
The phone rang again, right by my ear.
I snatched it up. "What is it, Mother?"
"Meghan, honey, this is it. I'm going to do it. I'm going to kill myself." My mother sounded excited and upbeat. "You know all the times I couldn't pull through with it? Well, this time it's the real deal. I'm actually going to kill myself."
I glanced at the alarm clock. "Mother, it's eight in the morning. Isn't that a little early?"
"You sound tired, Meghan. Did you sleep well? You aren't wetting the bed, are you?"
"I'm eighteen."
"It could happen. I wish you would come home. It's silly to stay in a motel when you have a perfectly nice home just a few miles away."
"You know how I feel about living at home, Mother." I yawned again. "Ugh - lord, I'm groggy. What were we talking about again?"
"I'm killing myself."
"Oh, right." I stood up and started trying to take off my nightgown, balancing the phone on my hunched shoulder at the same time. "Please don't."
My mother was delighted. "Meghan! You're trying to stop me!"
"I've always tried to stop you. It's our family tradition. Other girls watched Sesame Street with their mothers and baked peanut butter cookies. I tried to keep you from killing yourself." I managed to wriggle my nightgown off. Dressed in my panties, I walked across the room to my dresser, making the phone cord go taut.
"Yes, and I appreciate it, honey." My mother wasn't really listening anymore. "Now, last time I tried to use a gun, and I think that's why I messed up. After all, a gun is just so gory, don't you think? The blood would never come out of the carpet. And strangling would hurt."
"How about drowning?" I suggested tiredly.
"Well, but where? We live in Arkansas. There are no beaches, honey." She paused. "I suppose I could do it in the Community Pool. But Martha Taylor's husband owns that, and I don't want to get on her bad side. Remember how she publicly humiliated Brenda Backwater after Brenda's zinnias won the Garden Show?"
"It would be hard to publicly humiliate a dead woman."
"Never underestimate Martha Taylor, Meghan. Anyway, back to what I was saying: I've decided to use pills."
"What sort?"
"All kinds." My mother giggled. "The clerk at the drugstore gave me such a strange look! I'm sure it's all over town by now that Meredith Blakenship is killing herself." She sounded smugly satisfied.
"It's been all over town since you turned twenty-two. I used to hide your pills when I was toddler, remember? Just to save your life."
"Oh, you were such a rascal, honey! But now I have all the pills right here, by my bed, and I'm going to do it. Nothing can stop me now." I heard a muted rattling. "Let's see - which ones first?"
I slid my legs into my jeans. "Would you mind waiting until tonight? I have to be at work in ten minutes. I don't have time to change your mind."
"No, no, how silly! You won't change my mind no matter what you do. Just say goodbye and scamper off to your job, Meghan. I'll be dead when you come back." She sounded cheerful. "I left a list of things to do on the fridge. I hope you take my advice."
"Mother, don't do this."
"But I want to, dear!"
"Why?" I tried straightening the wrinkles on my Mickey Mouse t-shirt by hand. "Why do you have to kill yourself? You're not depressed."
"Yes, I am!" She laughed. "Of course I am!"
"Why?"
"I lost my car keys."
"You can find them, Mother. I'll drive over and help. I promise. Right after work. And then we can have some tea and some cookies, and I'll tell you about my new boyfriend."
"That sounds nice, honey. But I really want to kill myself." She began unscrewing a cap. "Goodbye, now."
"Wait, Mother!" I was used to this. I had been stopping my mother from committing suicide since I was born, it seemed. "Wait. Just wait. Think things over. Don't you want to see me have children? And get married?"
"I hope you do them in reverse order, dear," my mother said, sounding scandalized.
"Oh, right, of course I will. Just don't swallow those pills."
"Nonsense."
"Please."
"Why not? It's perfectly normal. I can't even count the movie stars who did it."
"But - but this is different." I smoothed on some lipstick. "They didn't have children. You do. And I don't want you to die."
She paused. "You don't?"
"No. I'd be lonely. I need you."
There was a long, breathy silence on the other end. "Well." My mother sighed. "Well, in that case, dear- I guess I can put it off - at least until you're married -"
"Thank you. I'll still come over, Mother. Right after work."
"Of course, dear." There came the sounds of dozens of bottles falling into a waste basket. "I'll vacum and get everything all ready for you."
"I love you, Mommy."
"Do you?" She laughed. "I love you, too, honey. I always will."