A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.
His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says, "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"
"But why?" asks the man.
"I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.
Two cows were standing in a field. One said, "Hey, man, aren't you worried about catching that mad cow disease that's been spreading around?"
The other cow was puzzled. "Who, me? Why would I worry? I'm a duck!"
One day a redhead, a hippie chick, and a sorority girl went on a cruise together. Halfway to their destination, though, they crashed and got stuck on a desert island. They stayed there, hungry and weary, until suddenly a fairy popped up.
"I'll grant you each one wish," she said.
"I wish I was home," the redhead said, and poof! She was gone.
"I wish I was home," said the hippie chick, and poof! She was gone.
The sorority girl sighed deeply. "Gee, I don't know what to wish for. This is so, like, confusing. I wish my friends were here to help me out."
One day, a panda went into a bar. He sat down at the counter and ordered a few pretzels and a beer. When he was done eating, he got up, pulled a gun out of his pocket, and shot the entire place up. When the smoke cleared, the bar tender saw that the panda was smiling.
"What the hell was that all about? This is going to cost me millions in repair!" the bar tender bellowed.
"Look it up," said the panda, and left.
The bar tender rounded up a dictionary and turned to the word "panda." There he read this paragraph: "Panda, n. 1. A rare bearlike mammal of the mountains of China and Tibet. Eats shoots and leaves."
A cheerleader walked into an appliance shop and bounced perkily up to the counter. "I'd like to buy this TV, please," she chirped.
The man behind the counter ignored her. "We don't sell to cheerleaders."
The cheerleader left the shop, went into a thrift store, and dressed herself as a geek. Then she came back. "I'd like to buy this TV, please," she said.
"I said, kid, we don't sell to cheerleaders!"
The cheerleader, a little angry, flounced out and dressed herself as a goth. Then she came back. "I'd like to buy this TV, please."
"Listen, how many times do I have to say this? We don't sell to cheerleaders!"
The cheerleader began to cry. "But how do you know I'm a cheerleader?"
"Because," said the man, "this is a microwave."
The chicken and the egg were lying in bed. The chicken was happy; the egg was looking very sullen. At last the egg snorted and said, "Well, that answers that question!"
When Little Johnny's mother found out she was pregnant, she told the good news to anyone who would listen. But Little Johnny overheard some of his parents' private conversations.
One day, when Johnny and his mother were shopping, a woman asked the little boy if he was excited about the new baby.
"Yes!" Johnny answered, "and I know what we're gonna name it, too. If it's a girl, we're going to call her Christina, and if it's another boy we're going to call it quits!"
Retired professor Moriarty was brought before the country judge on charges.
The judge said sternly, "This is not the first time you have been brought before this court on charges of being drunk and disorderly. Have you any reason why a stiff sentence should not be pronounced?"
The old drunk stood up and looked at the judge. "Man's inhumanity to man makes countless thousands mourn."
Then he turned and faced the courtroom. "I'm not as debased as Poe, as ungrateful as Keats, as intemperate as Burns, as timid as Tennyson, as vulgar as Shakespeare, as--"
The judge interrupted, "Shut up! That'll be ninety days." And he slammed down the gavel. Then he said to the bailiff, "Take down that list of names and round them up. They're as bad as he is!"
BACK, BACK, BACK!