>MUSIC JOKES
>
>How do you get two piccolo players to play in perfect unison?
>Shoot one.
>
>What's the definition of a minor second?
>Two oboists playing in perfect unison.
>
>What's the difference between an oboe and an onion?
>No one cries when you chop up an oboe.
>
>What's the difference between a bassoon player and a trampoline?
>You take off your shoes when you jump on a trampoline.
>
>Why did the chicken cross the road?
>To get away from the bassoon recital.
>
>Why do clarinetists leave their cases on the dashboard?
>So they can park in the handicapped zones.
>
>What is "perfect pitch?"
>When you lob a clarinet into a toilet without hitting the rim.
>
>What's the definition of a nerd?
>Someone who owns his own alto clarinet.
>
>What do you call a bass clarinetist with half a brain? Gifted.
>
>What's the difference between a lawn mower and a soprano sax?
>You can tune a lawn mower, and the neighbors are upset if you borrow a lawn
>mower and don't return it.
>
>If you were lost in the woods, who would you trust for directions: an
>in-tune tenor sax player, an out of tune tenor sax player, or Santa Claus?
>The out of tune tenor sax player. The other two indicate you are
>hallucinating.
>
>How do you make a chain saw sound like a baritone sax?
>Add vibrato.
>
>How many trumpet players does it take to change a light bulb?
>Five: one to handle the bulb, and the other four to tell him how much
>better they could've done it.
>
>How do you make a trombone sound like a french horn?
>Stick your hand in the bell and play all the wrong notes.
>
>What's the difference between a dead trombonist in the road and a dead
>country singer in the road?
>The country singer might've been on his way to a recording session.
>
>How do you improve the aerodynamics of a trombonist's car?
>Take the Domino's Pizza sign off the roof.
>
>What kind of calendar does a trombonist use for his gigs?
>Year-at-a-glance
>
>What's the difference between a dead snake in the road and a dead
>trombonist in the road?
>Skid marks in front of the snake.
>
>What's the range of a tuba?
>About twenty yards, if you have a good arm.
>
>What's a tuba for?
>1-1/2" by 3-1/2"
>
>What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians?
>A drummer.
>
>What does a tympanist say when he gets to work?
>"Would you like fries with that?"
>
>What did the drummer get on his I.Q. test?
>Drool.
>
>How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb?
>None. They have machines to do that now.
>
>"Hey buddy, how late does the band play?"
>"Oh, about a half a beat behind the drummer."
>
>How can you tell when a drummer is at your door?
>The knock gets faster.
>
>How do you get a rhythm guitarist to play softer?
>Give him music to read.
>
>How long does a harp stay in tune?
>About twenty minutes, or until someone opens the door.
>
>How are a violinist's fingers like lightning?
>They rarely strike the same spot twice.
>
>How can you tell if a violin is out of tune?
>The bow is moving.
>
>Why is a violinist like a scud missile?
>Both are offensive and inaccurate.
>
>What do violists use for birth control?
>Their personalities.
>
>How do you make a violin sound like a viola?
>Sit in the back and don't play.
>
>What's the difference between a violist and a dog?
>The dog knows when to stop scratching.
>
>Did you hear about the violist who bragged he could play 32nd notes?
>The rest of the orchestra didn't believe him, so he proved it by playing
>one.
>
>Why are violins smaller than violas?
>They really are the same size, but the violinists' heads are bigger.
>
>What's the difference between a cello and a viola?
>The cello burns longer.
>
>What's the difference between violists and terrorists?
>Terrorists have sympathizers.
>
>How do you make a cello sound beautiful?
>Sell it and buy a violin.
>
>What's the difference between a cello and a coffin?
>The coffin has the corpse inside.
>
>Why are orchestra intermissions limited to 20 minutes?
>So you don't have to re-train the cellists.
>
>Why did the string bass player get mad at the tympanist?
>He turned a peg and wouldn't tell him which one.
>
>One string bass player was so bad, even his section noticed.
>
>How many string bass players does it take to change a light bulb?
>None; the piano player can do that with his left hand.
>
>How do you put a twinkle in a soprano's eye?
>Shine a flashlight in her ear.
>
>How does a soprano change a light bulb?
>She just holds on and the world revolves around her.
>
>How can you tell when a soprano is at you door?
>She can't find the key, and doesn't know when to come in.
>
>How many altos does it take to change a light bulb?
>None; they can't get up that high.
>
>If you took all the tenors in the world and laid them end to end...it would
>be a good idea.
>
>Where's a tenor's resonance?
>Where his brain should be.
>
>What's the definition of a male quartet?
>Three men and a tenor.
>
>If you drop a conductor and a watermelon off a tall building, which will
>hit the ground first?
>Who cares?
>
>What's the difference between a conductor and a sack of fertilizer?
>The sack.
>
>What's the definition of an optimist?
>A choral director with a mortgage.
>
>Why are conductor's hearts so coveted for transplants?
>They've had so little use.
>
>A musician called the symphony office to talk to the conductor. "I'm sorry,
>he's dead," came the reply. The musician called back 25 times, always
>getting the same reply from the receptionist. At last she asked him why he
>kept calling. "I just like to hear you say it."
>
>Why do bagpipers walk when they play?
>To get away from the noise.
>
>How many sound men does it take to change a light bulb?
>"One, two, three; one, two, three."
>
>What's the definition of a gentleman?
>One who knows how to play the accordion, but doesn't.
>
>What's the definition of an optimist?
>An accordion player with a pager.
>
>How many alto sax players does it take to change a light bulb?
>Five: one to handle the bulb and four to contemplate how David Sanborn
>would've done it.
>
>What's the difference between a soprano and the PLO?
>You can negotiate with the PLO.