| I have wanted a baby for years but every time I thought of getting pregnant, I always had negative feelings about it. I thought what if I died, I would be leaving my child without a mother, or what if my child died? I couldn�t live with myself and if my child had CF it would be unbearable.
A couple of years ago I got pregnant, but terminated the pregnancy. I had no trouble with infertility and had not planned on getting pregnant. My decision to abort wasn�t so much, about my health because I was actually feeling pretty good and I hadn�t gone to the hospital much. It was more my financial situation, the fact that I wasn�t on my feet and in a steady relationship with my boyfriend yet. I guess, in retrospect, I made myself believe my decision was because of my health but I really battled with the decision to abort or not. I didn't know much at all about pregnancy and CF at the time of the abortion; all I knew was what people were telling me and they didn�t know much either. In mid-2003, I started thinking of getting pregnant. So, I consulted all my doctors. I still didn�t get a good response though from them. They basically said, "Well that's a chance you gotta take." Well I took that chance. What made me decide to take the chance of having a child? Well, my whole life I had in my mind that I would have at least one child when I got older and, you know, as I was growing up thinking of it, it never crossed my mind that it might kill me, I don�t think the thought of the risks really sunk in until after I told myself I was going to go through with my pregnancy. I guess I could say the real reason for wanting to have a child was that I wanted someone to love and I wanted to prove that I could do this. And it turned out, to my surprise, very well. I tried getting pregnant over a period of about five months. I knew from research that it was hard for CF woman to get pregnant, but I had gotten pregnant two years before! Anyway, two weeks before I would find out I was pregnant, I cried in my boyfriend's arms, because I was about ready to give up. That night I actually prayed to God that I would be blessed with a child soon. I guess you could say I had a nervous breakdown. I knew what I was risking but I wanted this more than anything. The thought even crossed my mind that I wasn�t getting pregnant because God didn�t want me to die yet. Two weeks later I got a positive home pregnancy test. I was overwhelmed with happiness! Right away I was thinking of boy and girl names. I wasn�t nervous at all anymore at the time about my health. The doctors didn�t seem worried at all and my PFTs stayed good throughout the pregnancy. I have always been a pretty normal weight and throughout the pregnancy I gained weight fast - 30 pounds all together. I actually felt FAT for once in my life. About three months into the pregnancy I got pneumonia and had to go into the hospital for a week. I was treated by IV medications, not sure which ones though. The doctor was very skeptical about putting me on anything. By about the fifth month my energy kind of decreased. I couldn�t do much of anything without having to rest a while. I was cranky mostly because I didn�t have that energy I once had and when the baby started pushing up against my diaphragm and I couldn�t breath like I used too, I admit it scared me a little. Then at 8 months I got sick again and went into the hospital. This time I admitted myself. I was in there for a week and the doctor was going to keep me there until I had the baby. As ironic as it sounds, the night he told me that news, guess what? Here she came! I went into labor. So they had to rush me into surgery the next morning for a C- Section. The reason they did the c-section was that they didn�t want to chance doing it natural. It would be too much stress on my body, I guess. Victoria was born the morning of September 23, 2004 and weighed 5 pounds, 9 ounces. My recovery from the C-Section was understandably painful, like it is with all women who have one. A couple of days after I got out of the hospital after having done the C-section and getting over a staph infection in the lungs, my precious little one had to go back in with staph infection in the blood, then the day she came out of the hospital from that I went back in for the same thing! Didn't see that one coming. Life as a mother hasn't been bad at all. Sure it's exhausting, but isn't it for every first time mother. She is the most precious thing in my life right now and always will be. I haven't faced any big challenges, though after I had her I did go into a small state of depression. I thought the worst, from me being a bad mother and not knowing how to properly take care of her to getting sick all of a sudden and dying because of everything I've been through. But my boyfriend helped me out a lot. When I was too tired, he would take over a few times. He's a great dad to this day. He adores her as much as she adores him. I didn't breastfeed, the doctor advised against it from the start because of my weight and nutrition, just because he thought it would be safest not to. If I had something to do over again, I would have stayed at home longer and worked on starting a career before I got involved in a relationship and had my daughter. I want to have more children in the future. Even knowing the risks and what I went through, I probably would take the chance again. God blessed me with one beautiful daughter and although it would be nice to have maybe one more, I think I can be very happy with just her. Looking at Victoria everyday and thinking of the future I could have with her and give her is my ambition to keep myself as healthy as possible, so I can live for her as long as possible. by Sarah, 22 years old with CF |
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