September 28, 2004
While taking a shower today, after a nice meal and discussion at Cate, I thought of something. For it to make sense, let me give some background detail. For the past couple weeks, I have been trying to figure out why I am here where I am at now. It is because I am the human embodyment of wasted potential. If I had not been such a slacker the past for years, I could have done many many wonderful things. In swimming, I probably could have gone to the Olympics. For those of you who do not know, my slackerdom is legendary amoung the Oklahoma swimming circuit, and yet I got First Team All-American, All-American Academic, an All-American Consideration, went into state seeded first, ended up third, was one of the unofficial captains of the 2004 Oklahoma Zones team, got second at the 2004 Spring Region 8 Sectionals. I did all that even with my legendary slackerdom. In academics, I am attending the University of Oklahoma. It is a very good school, but I could do better. In fact, I was accepted to the best undergraduate Engineering school in the nation with a $10,000 scholarship. This school's median starting pay for a graduate with a bachalor's degree is $98,000 a year. That is the STARTING PAY!!!!! But, I turned it down. Hurray for me. I probably should have gone to an Ivy Leauge school like Harvard, Yale, or maybe even MIT. Some people may say that I am going overboard, but let me tell you about my academics. In my junior year, I averaged about a 99% (including over 100% on the final) in Chemistry AP and got a 5 on the AP test. All this was without studing once the entire year. The next year, I surpasses myself. I took Calculus BC and averaged about a 97% while a few other people managed to get a A. I had everyone hating me around christmas because I absolutley slaghtered everyone else on the final and ruined the curve. During the second semester, we passed through Calc 2 and went most of the way through Calc 3. I probably would have easily gotten a 5 on the BC exam if I had cared enough to take it. I did all of this without studing. In fact, my book never even left the classroom after September. Right now I am basicly teaching Calc 2 to some friends who are in the same class as me. The first time I took the ACT, I got a 33. I need just 1 more point to get the Oklahoma State Regents Schoolarship. So I took it again and got a 32. The third time I took it I should have gotten a 35, but I stoped caring on the Science Section. I got a 30 on it after I had gotten 35 on it the previous two times. On the SAT, I got a perfect 800 on the math section, and a 660 on the english section. This is why I am the Human Embodyment of Wasted Potential. Now, I had been thinking about this alot, and mainly about how little it actually bothered me to be this. It does bother me at times, but not nearly as much as it should. But, I do not care about gathering wealth. I do not seek fame, nor do I seek fortune. I do not look for the next time (or first time) for me to get laid. I am not desperatly seeking comapanionship. I can be described as a drifter. Some say I drift through life with out meaning. They are part of the way there. I have not found what I am searching for. I have not found it because I do not know what it is I am searching for. I do not know what it is I want out of life. I can only tell you that I have not found what it is. Before I find that which I am searching for, I must know what to search for. I am simply on a journey, just one where I do not know where it is headed.
I've thought of more things in which I am the HEWP. My problem with females is that I can never seem to get past talking. The talking aspect of this just comes naturally. Anything further is as forgien to me as Ukraine. What always ends up happening is we either become really good friends or absolutely nothing. The way how you can tell which it will be from the beginning is if it is someone in which I will have multiple contacts regards of what I do. For example, there was this one girl that had absolutely captivated me from the moment I first saw her. She was gorgeous. I was completely infatuated with her. Eventually, we started talking and we hit it off quite nicely. All I had to do was ask for her number or screen name or e-mail, something. But, I did not. I do not know why. This is not an isolated event with me, just the most extreme and upsetting.
October 6, 2004
Are grades really a measure of your self-worth and potential?
Knowledge, not a grade, is the true reward from a class.
People are scared of their own mortality. They go to bed at night assuming they will wake up in the morning.
There is a movie with a title I believe whole heartedly: "Life is Beautiful."
Somedays, I wish I had the courage of Henry David Thoreau to just leave everything behind and live happily in the woods.
I had the most amazingly awesome afternoon yesterday. They were serving fried shrimp in the Cafiteria so it was all I could eat. So I did. I ate 20 shrimp and 2 glasses of chocolate milk. It filled me up. I could not bend over. It was awesome. I then proceeded to come back to my dorm room and lay down. When I turned on the TV, I found that The Three Amigos was just starting. It was awesome. After about thirty minutes of watching this awesome movie, I took a nap. One that lasted about 2 hours. It was awesome. I then proceeded to stay in bed for the next few hours. It was awesome. I was truely happy the entire time. And that is awesome. It is the simple ordinary things like this that make life awesome, not the big one time events. And that, too, is awesome.
Sometimes you just want a cheese wedge.
I saw a squirrel recently. It was fuzzy and it ran around.
The world looks differantly when awake than when asleep.
Sometimes the simpletons give the best advise.
Everyone is a beautiful child of God. To not get to know them is only harming you.
Life is much more interesting when you pay attention.
October 29, 2004
For those of you who have not heard of him, Karl Marx wrote a book called the Communist Manifesto. It describes the process by which the bourgeois and proletrians came to be in the form that he saw them at the time of its writing. I have done much reflecting upon it. I both agree and disagree with it. I have discovered an inherant flaw in his reasoning. Countless times I have heard that "It sounds nice, but it would only work in a perfect world." The reason why this is is because of the flaw built into the system of communisim. It depends on people and people are greedy. The people corrupt the system. This is not new; people have said this many times. What is new is that this does not matter. The flaw comes from its dependance on monetary value and property. In order for commonunism to truely work, a generation of people must be raised that have no concept of property and no concept of money. No matter how greedy a person can be, if there is no concept of money or property, it does not matter. Basicly, in order for communism to work at all, it should not be that everything is owned by everyone, but that nobody owns anything. This has happened before and quite successfully at that. The Native Americans had no concept of ownership (at least with land) and they seemed to flurish. That is until the white devil showed his ugly head of intolerance.
Am I the only one that sees the similarities of the war in Iraq and Vietnam? Both are started by questionable means; both are protested by a portion of the population. The war in Iraq has people questioning whether or not to initiate the draft; vietnam had a draft. The war in Iraq is trying to spread democracy and stop terrorism; Vietnam was trying to spread democracy and stop communism. Hmmmm. Lets take this further. Terrorists are being searched out in the States. Communists were being searched out in the 50's. People suspected of being a terrorist are being disenfranchized. People suspected of being a Communist were disenfranchized. Both are searched out and hunted by the government. Is the war on terror the next Cold War? Is Bushism becoming McCarthyism?
November 13, 2004
December 5, 2004
The modern music scene is crap. In a purely musical sense it is uninspired and unoriginal. I remember growing up when you would recognize a band on the radio from the just the first couple measures even though you have never heard the song before. This is called style, and much of the music that has been released has no orginality in this area. This is not to say that all bands strugle here. For example, I was at Best Buy with a friend a months ago while he was purchasing new stereo equipment for his car. When we selected the "Rock," a seemingly familar song started to play, but neither of us had heard it before. We both turned to each other and said it sounded like "Rage [Against The Machine]." It could not possibly be by them though because we both have all of their albums, and they had already borken up by that time. A few seconds later, a familar voice started to sing. It was Chris Cornell as part of Audioslave. (For those of you who do not know this, Audioslave is the "reincarnation" of Rage with a new singer). I recognized the band (sorta) just by the beginning of the song. Alot of the popular music being released now sounds the same. You cannot tell the differance between one band and the other except by the singer's voice, and even that can be sketch sometimes. This is not my only complaint with music these days. Not only is it unoriginal musically, but it is not good art. To me, artistically inclined music should have a point, more than just to entertain. There should be a message. The great music of the 60's and 70's had messages. Take "Imagine" by John Lennon, "War" by Bob Marley, or "What's Going On" by Marvin Gaye. These all have messages. These all have points. Now look at today's music. I once heard a song on the radio that had the basic message that it is their house. What kind of song is that? There is such a thing as the Theatre of the Absurd and writing music without a point for the purpose of proving that there does not have to be a point. It also shows the pointlessness of life. (very existentialist, but more of that to come later). There is an interesting question that I like alot because it best expresses my opinions on this. Who do you like better: Rage or Audioslave. My answer is Rage. Even though their lyrics are nothing but repetative and, musically, ever song sounds the same, I like them more because they have a message. In fact, the entire essence of the band was based around this message. For example, in 2000, they played a FREE concert across the street from one of the two major parties National Convention. They played in protest of the Convention not for publicity or the money. Because of this, and other acts of protest, they have been described as an "issue oriented band." To me, this is what a band should be. I love the new A Perfect Cirle album. It is politically charged. I love that (it also does not hurt that I agree with their stance).
Another problem with the world (at least the country) we live in is that it everything is polarized. There is no middle ground. Red or Blue; Bush or Kerry; Pro-War or Pro-Terrorist; Patriotic or Un-American; Conservative or Liberal; Right or Wrong; Wrong or Right. This is nothing between them. I've seen people that do not like alot of Bush's policies or are against the war so they say they are "liberals," and therefore, think that they must accept all of those views. I do not like Bush, his policies, and am utterly opposed to "Operation Iraqi Freedom," but I will be one of the first ones to say that Farenheit 911 is completly propaganda; very good propaganda, but propaganda none-the-less. This also goes for the news networks. All of them, including Fox News, are bias in their views. Not a single one of them tells it straight because it is impossible to do so. There is not enough time to report every single piece of news that ever happens in the world. So, someone must determine what news to report because it is more important than another piece of news. This is a bias decision at its finest. Bias is not bad either, until a person only watches and believes one set of information. This leads to brainwashing in a sense: mindless citizens who believe anything they are told without questioning its validity. One must always question the information they recieve. Always.
The problem above goes deeper than party affiliation. It goes beyond the past election. In its simplest form, it is the tendency of people these days, expecially our generation, to accept things they are told. Our generation are being sold everything, even our opinions. This is bad in its own right, but we do not even care this is happening. We have been socialized for comercialization. Everything in our life boils down to money. Wether it be our choice of cloths, our party affiliations, or our choice in music. The real problem is that we are content with these: we do not care that we are just part of the collective consumer. That is why I do not like much of the popular music of today. We believe what we are told. This is the cause of the polarization. We agree with what we are told. This is why my roommate has decided to call us "Generation Yes."
Stay tuned for part 2 of the thoughts from the discusion. It is not even remotely completely done, nor is it completely acurate yet. Please stay tuned for more.
December 12, 2004
As a joke, my roommate coined the term "pork." It means that a person is not kosher for a Christian to date. This term is derived from the Jewish tradition that they are not allowed to eat pork because it is not kosher, just as some Christians are not allowed (or refuse) to date non-Christians. The problem with this idea is that the people who follow this idea are incapible of hypothetically dating their own Lord and Savior because he was Jewish, not Christian. I realize that the Jesus warns against being "yoked" with a person of a differant religion, but I think that it was written as just a warning. It could lead to complications if the two people were not secure in thier faiths and had a mind open and willining enough to deal with the differances this causes. I realize this is a nessecity for some people. They are incapible of this. I find myelf questioning whether or not I could date someone who holds certain views, but to not date them mearly because the bible tells them not to is aburd.
Cursing has been something I have wondered about for many years. What makes a word become a curse word? Who decided that a word meaning poop was worse than a differant word to say the same thig. Either way, they are still crap. Who decided that "fuck" was inappropriate? It is just a word that means to have sex, a perfectly natural act. These words are inappropriate because other people tell us so, and other people told them. Some people say it is offensive to God. I ask them where does it say that? Some say they are just words that are taken out of context. A dork is a whale's penis. I have been called a dork on many occosions, sometimes daily. And they are not meaning that I am literally a whale's penis. That is just kind of odd. Basicly, I find that curse words are what they are because they were set they why by our parents. and our parents parents, and so on.
January 6, 2005
"When you do things right, people won't know you've done anything at all." - Futurama (God)
"Right and wrong are just words. What's important is what you do." - Futurama (God)
Whoever is the is in charge of advertising for TrimSpa should be shot. Who would come up with the idea of using sex appeal to sell diet pills. It is one of the worst ideas I have ever heard. Their marketing campaign targets men (mostly middle-aged men going through a midlife crisis). Using a fairly attrative female asking "Do you like my body?" and giving away money and a viper is something I could see them performing for something a little more male orienated; say football or beer. Oh wait. They already do. Because a male is more likely to respond to those kinds of offers than a female. What they could do is have a ripped guy ask if you like his body or have a her being picked up by a guy who is deemed to be attractive. This is a little more female orentied. That is not to say that females do not like fast cars of money; just their stupidity to use femanine sex appeal to attract females (who I am assumming is their target demographic) because it does not work.
"What only looks like bulimia is how bald eagles feed their young." - Chuck Palahniuk
"The only reason why we ask other people how their weekend was is so we can tell them about our own weekend." - Chuck Palahniuk
"Nothing of me is original. I am the combined effort of everyone I've ever known." - Chuck Palahniuk
February 8, 2005
I guess this is due to the fact that I am not awake here at OU very much. I am physically awake, but I never have any reason to fully wake up. I find myself more mentally asleep in classes than I do lying in bed. Classes, the place where I am supposed to be challenged and thoughtful. Put me to sleep. It is not the format. I just have not had a class yet that is worth exercising any mental capacity. Jazz guitar is fun, but it does not force me to reconsider my schima, to change it in any way. I need something to think about. I need something to mentally exercise my self to. Before I take care of that, I will not be able to exercise physically. I cannot work out if I am not mentally ready. I need to be challenged. I try to come up with new ideas during class because I am so bored. I need to find something I can apply my mind to.
Not too long ago I got asked by a friend to help her come up with an idea for a paper. The topic: how terrorism as affected your life. I warned her and everyone around that they would not like what I had to say, but they insisted that I speak my mind anyways. I told them about how terrorism has affected my life by allowing a person I consider to be a poor president relected. After some monologue on the subject, I got called a "liberal bastard." Nothing could piss me off more. People do this all the time and I despise it. In this current political enviroment, it is impossible to speak out against the president or his policies without instantly being brushed off because you are just an angry democrat. For me, I am neither left, right, nor even middle. I consider myself to be not affiliated any anyway with any party (even independants). I do not agree with abortion. I lean towards pro-life. My political views are mainly lassiez-faire in regard to business. I hate all the pointless lawsuits. I even like the former president Bush. But, alas, I am just a "liberal bastard" because I disagree greatly with Bush on a great deal of issues. If that person's goal was to piss me off, they successed a great deal. Another problem I had with that conversation is that the same person pointed out to me how Bush by himself cannot affect the government. That is the same as saying Lenin was not behind the Russian Soviet Revolution. It is the same as saying Hitler is not to blame for the Holocaust. No, I am not calling Bush a Nazi or a Communist, I am mearly stating that fact that he is the head figure for his party, just as the other two where the head figures for their respective parties. Continuing this logic, Lincoln is not responsible for freeing the slaves and FDR had nothing to do with the New Deal. It was not Washington that helped win the Revolutionary War. Churchill had nothing to do with the moral stability of the UK during WWII. I think we can all agree all of these statements are absurd, that is until it comes to Bush. I will give that person one thing though (which they did not point out). When I was talking about the economy, I meant to say National Debt and the Defecit. Another comentator said that the government flows in a cycle just like time is said to do. This is wrong. The early 80's were the first time that the National Debt had ever increased so much in so little time (i.g. such a large budget deficit). What happened then that hadn't happened before you ask? The same exact thing that Bush has done. There is much much more I could talk about, but the more things I think off, the more pissed off I get, which I do not like to be. Let me just restate for you that I am a "liberal bastard."
So far, I have given benadryl for over 3 weeks. I have decided that I am going to get back on it. This implies a drug addiction that I now know I do not have (or a chemical dependancy). The reason I am getting back on it is because I am pretty much an insomniac without it. People tell me many times how big the bags are under my eyes. I am more easily irritated (a while ago writings). People tell me these are just withdrawl symptoms. Those people are wrong. Usually you do not have withdrawl symptoms before you start taking a drug. The soul reason I started talking it in the first place is to sleep better. So my insomnia (almost) is clearly not a withdrawl symptom. In addition, saying that I have a chemical dependancy because of this is is absurd. Is it a chemical dependancy to take an alergy pill because your allergies are flairing? How about pain medications after surgery? There is something you can actually get addicted to. Even better, do I have a chemical dependancy on water and food? If I dont take it, bad things happen such as death. Also, if I was addicted, I would not have been able to go this long without it. My only side effects are those consistant with what happens to me when I am sleep deprived. Nothing more. So all you out there that say I have a problem: SCREW YOU!!!!!!!
I've realized what the majority of my writings tonight have been about: people judging people over things they think they know about, but in reality have not clue; gross overexagerations of the truth. I am sick of people telling me advice were they fit into this. Maybe they do this because it is easier to "help" others than deal with your own problems. In the end, you are only making things worse. Im sick of it and I will not listen anymore unless I think it is something valid. Again, as I write, I am getting more and more irritated, so I think I may have to cut this one short. Maybe continue it another time.
One more thing though. I love how people seem to know me so well, when they have no clue. All they have to do is read this site on occastion to find out what I have been thinking about. Most do not, and assume they know me. This irritates me. They assume that because they would act a certain way in a situation, that I would as well even if this site is directly against it. All I can do is laugh. And I just realized what else I have been doing in this post. I am making them about personal events and not about the greater meaning. I am sorry. Here goes: People tend to do this exact thing because most people do not have a site where they can post their thoughts more so than just bitch and moan. All we have to go on is what we would do in a situation. So most people use this as a judgment call for everyone else. News flasH: they are not like you; they will be. So unless you get to know someone enough to be able to make these calls, or they specifically ask you, do not tell them what you think about what they should do.
April 2, 2005
"college would be so cool if you didnt have to go to class" - The Big Sexy Beast himself
What is art? Let me tell you what I think.
Sometimes, I am afraid to be myself. Not because of other people, but because I am afraid of who I will be. When I get tired, I get irratable. The problem is that it seems that the only time people want to mess with me is while I am tired. This causes me to get pissed off sometimes. I do not want to get pissed off, so I do not want to have people mess with me when I am tired. This only compounds the problem. I get pissed off at people at these times because I do not want them to mess with me because I do not want to get pissed off. I hate getting pissed off. I am afraid that I will become the person I used to be. I did not used to be a passifist, if you could even say that I am one now. I try not to do any violent act out of anger, but at times it seems that that is the only thing some people will respond to. No other means of persuastion will work. When I was a wee lit'l lad, I had a most violent temper. I would immediatly resort to violence if the situation arose. My parents have told me that you could tell when I got angry because my eyes would change from brown to green. I had no problem resolving my conflicts with violence. I fear that I will return to that state. Psycology says that one of the defense mechanisms humans have is to regress to an earlier state. I just hope that I do not regress to this violent state. I fear that one day I will. I fear that one day, my true nature will come out. That is why I sleep alot. If I do not sleep, I get pissed more easily. I do not what that. That is one of my greatest fears.
It has been awhile since I've added any of my thoughts here. They have been jumbled in my head for awhile now, some of these have been around for years. Others, just recently. They all culminated into order a few Saturdays ago during a an amazing discussion held in my room. It did not really add new ideas, but helped to organize the ones I already had. I also found that I was not the only one who had these ideas. I shall now try to reorganize my these thoughts that poured out at one time:
As my first semester of college draws to a close, I feel it is time to reflect upon my experiences here thus far. I find it very ironic that in a great institute of learning such as this that I have trouble finding people to have a good intelectual discussion with. Even in politics, it seems that everyone is either a typical Republican or Democrat. It is hard to find people who express more than just what everyone else in their party believes. I miss my discussions with those who question what they are told. There are a few out there who strongly question their political desions, but in other areas they do not. I have met many atheists here who think they are open minded but are actually just as closed minded or even more so than the people they argue against. There are people here who judge the greek system participants more so than what they think the greek system does. I have met some people who hesitate to talk to someone who is greek more than some greek people hesitate to talk to them. I think the problem comes down to people only seeing two colors. They see something as good or bad, right or wrong, black or white. They do not recognize the entire specturm of color. They see the black and the white of ying and yang as absolutes. They do not realize the significance of the dots. People are either conservative or liberal, christian or "pork," greek or GDI. I myself have been guilty of this many a time. I do not wish to be so. I want to be able to see each and everything as a unique entity - one seperate of others and yet connected through experience and interaction. Each blade of grass as a seperate blade of grass; differant from the blade next to it yet similar for they both come from the same background. I desire to see each person I encounter in passing as a person with unique experiences and unique personality. I wish to see each person as a "beautiful child of God;" a person whose entire existance, whose entire essence is unique and beautiful. As I once told a friend: "Everyone has a story to tell. To not get to know someone is only harming you." But, the reason I started writing this is the same reason I started this site: To help orgainize my thoughts and express them. I just find myself without someone with whom I can talk about these thoughts with here.
Today is Epiphany, the twelvth day of Christmas, the day that is celebrated as the Magi visiting Jesus. Most people do not know what this day is or have never heard of it. Now you know. And, in the immortal words of GI Joe: "Knowing is half the battle."
This did not start happening to me until I came to OU. When I am asleep or really tired, alot of people mistake me for being high. Ive had people completely crack up when they found out I have never even tried weed. On the other hand, when I am awake and feeling good, people tend to thing I am drunk. This has problems because if I even have a little to drink, I wake up so people always think that I am drunk even if Ive only had a little. Everytime, I feel as drunk now as I do by the time I stop talking to them. I don't know if I have been a drunk. If I have it has only been a very little, and not more than about 30 min before it starts to wear off to where I am not even buzzed or tipsy. I have never even been fuzzy about anything that has happened during these periods. I am just naturaly that outgoing when I am awake.
A young lad in the prime of his life is hiking with his obeast friend. A few miles into the woods, they find an angry hungry grizzy bear. The lad, having been the reigning Boston Marathon champion immediatly proceeds to retreat after his out-of-shape friend. The angry bear, liking a good chase, starts after the two. It needs not to eat both for one will fill him fine. The only one left to tell the tale is the young lad. What does this tell us? Survival of the fitest.
This is my official apology:
To all the girls that I have not flirted with, this is my official apology. To all the girls I have not asked out on a date, this is my official apology. To all the girls I have not shown a good time, this is my official apology. To all the girls that I haven't made-out with, this is my official apology. To all the girls I have not taken advantage of while they were intoxicated, this is my official apology. To all the girls I have not lied to to get laid, this is my official apology. To all the girls I have not told the truth to get laid, this is my official apology. To all the girls I have not had sex with, this is my official apology. To all the girls I have not been an asshole and dismissed you as soon as I was done with you, this is my official apology. I apologize for my reckless behavior; my blatant disregard for others. I apologize for not contributing to society in this manner. I am sorry.