| Title: Regrets Author: munky Rating: PG-15 Pairing: One-sided Bean + Ender Genre: Ender's Game slash, Angst, Bean's POV Archive: MCY, Rareslash, and Slashers Unite. Want it? Just ask! Author Notes: The plot bunnies have gone insane!! Aghh! ::runs away screaming:: Disclaimer: Orson Scott Card owns it all. I own nothing. Don't sue! ON WIT DA FIC!! Ender, you miserable bastard. How could you manage to hurt me so much without even trying? You were always perfect, while I was tiny little Bean, easy to push aside and ignore when people thought I was in the way. Even Petra did that, try as she might not to. It was all because of you. You sparkled with the prismatic elegance of a diamond in the sunlight. Everyone was captivated by you, one way or the other. I blame it on your latent charm because even I was sucked into your black hole. Every night I watched you from across our dorm, huddled under the covers of my meager bunk. You always had an intensity about you; a purpose that I lacked. I thought you were a god, a benevolent messiah with hundreds of different faces. In time, I saw your weakness. You were a genius, yes, but you were still a boy. Like me. We were Battle School students, but that was the only tie we had left. Orphans adrift in a sea of stars, expected to defend a world we no longer were a part of or knew anything about. I reached out to you, believing that. I wanted to create a link between us as I walked, naked, over to your bunk. You looked up from your plans for Dragon Army's last battle to stare at me; those cold eyes of yours boring into my soul as you glared. Maybe you saw through my lie about wetting the bed, or maybe you realized the loneliness we both shared, the emptiness that would never disappear, no matter what. I'm not sure and I doubt if you'll ever come back to Earth to tell me before I die. I realize now that, for me, crawling into your bed was akin to Caesar crossing the Rubicon. There was no turning back from what happened. As soon as you wrapped your arms around me, my heart belonged to you. Nothing happened between us that night. There were no sordid memories of illicit acts between those sheets, no hickeys to hide in the false light of 'morning'. It was just us, two vulnerable little boys, cuddled up to each other for warmth and support. I wish there had been something, something to hold onto in my old age. A stolen kiss, a scar, some trinket for me to remember you by. Hah, I kid myself to think that General Graff, the almighty Puppet Master of our squad that 'saved' the Earth, would ever allow us that much, Ender. That old son-of-a-bitch was a master tactician up even to his death. I know that if something had happened between us that night, you wouldn't have disappeared into space and I wouldn't have helped Peter. Humanity would have gone to hell in a hand basket, but we wouldn't have cared about anything but each other. No, I could never have been so selfish to ignore the cries of millions for the love I felt for you. I'm sorry, Ender. I hope that wherever you are, you won't forget me. Love, Bean ~END~ Additional Author notes: Like it? Thought it needed work? Tell me. Comments and helpful criticism can be sent my way at [email protected] while flames will be eaten by starving children in Third world countries. Bai bai! munky |