Author: munky
Rating: R
Pairing: Gene x Jim, Gene + Melfina
Genre: Outlaw Star yaoi fanfiction, lime, angst, mentions non-con, alcohol abuse, and unrequited love.
Archive: MCY; all others, just ask
Author Notes: This is a conceptual piece where each paragraph starts with the
words "If", "only", or "maybe". Set in Jim's POV, after the events of the anime. It
isn't considered shotakon because Jim is fifteen.
Disclaimer: munky doesn't own OLS. Sunrise does. Don't sue.

~indecision~

Only normal people cry. I don't cry, so does that mean I'm not normal? What is normal anyway? I wish I knew, then I could be content in my not-normal life. Content...now there's a word that hasn't been normal for me since I met Gene Starwind.

If he's not risking my neck with some crackpot scheme for us to get rich quick, he's breaking my heart with the stupid things he does on a regular basis. Gene's an all-around impulsive jerk these days, what with his drinking, his skirt-chasing, and his all-night disappearances into the city.

Maybe Melfina doesn't see Gene's faults or she chooses not to see them, but I've grown sick of Gene's escapades. He's squandering money we don't have, wasting time that would be better spent in trying to get a decent, regular job, and I'm just tired...

If it didn't happen so much, I could have handled Gene's behavior a lot more than I do. I'm just...ah, how do I say this? I've always been pretty good with words and all, but nothing's able to describe it . I suppose there's no sense in beating around the bush and all...I'm sick of waking up with a sore bottom and then seeing him flirt with Melfina as though nothing happened the previous night. Gene's just using my body every time he's drunk and I'm all too willing to let him.

Only Melfina doesn't know this. I would rather stay silent than tell her the gory details because she's my friend. Mel is the closest thing I have to a parent since my mom died because Dad hasn't been the same since. On the few occasions I've talked to him, he still thinks I'm playing over at the next door neighbor's house, no matter how many times I've told him that I'm living with Gene on Heifong.

Maybe...heh heh...maybe I should tell someone about what Gene does, shouldn't I? I mean...writing it all down like this isn't helping. I've got to password protect these journal entries and encrypt them in my laptop on the off-chance anyone starts getting suspicious about all the time I spend here lately.

Only, what would I say? I can't think of anything that sounds right and I'm supposed to be the genius here. Wait...he's back for the night. I can here him stumbling around at the front door, trying to take off his boots. I don't want to be touched, don't want to be used again...but I can't stop him. How could I stop him now, after I've said yes to his advances?

If there hadn't been so much to do around here to distract me, I probably would have gone crazy months ago when all this mess started. When Gene started reverting back to some of his worst vices and habits. I'm not sure why Gene started drinking again, but it wasn't all of a sudden. He would come home smelling of cheap perfume and only his breath would smell like booze, as if he'd had one or two drinks. Then the perfume smell gradually went away and he reeked of booze. Like he'd stumbled from the brothel to the brewery.

Maybe I should been afraid enough to have questioned his motives that first time he came to me at night. No, I know I should have, but I didn't. I was too blinded by my long-standing crush with him to do better than what I had.

Only, I was afraid when he staggered over and tapped my shoulder, startling me from my repair of some ship parts damaged in transit. His breath was thick with the stench of Martian vodka as he whispered in my ear, begging me. God, the man was begging me! Me, little no-nothing Jim Hawking...despite my fear, I couldn't tell him 'no'.

"Only you can help me out, Jimmy. I need you so bad...those girls out there, they don't know how to satisfy a man like me. Please Jim, it's just this once..."

If I hadn't known what he was talking about, maybe I could have weaseled my way out of what Gene wanted, stuttering and blushing. It's just...I did know what he wanted. I knew what he was asking, and stupid me, that's what I gave to him, with eyes wide and heart open. The following morning, I thought things would have changed between us, that he would have given me a sign. Something that said giving my virginity away mattered as much to Gene as it did to me.

Maybe if I hadn't had such high hopes, the sight of him kissing Melfina's cheek when he finally woke up that afternoon wouldn't have hurt so much. I wouldn't have felt so used by the man I thought was my lover. Sure, it was a minor thing, but he'd shown her more tenderness in that simple gesture than he'd shown me the night before.

Only a true idiot would have gone this far to think something this seedy, secretive, and easily forgotten could possibly add up to a relationship, I know. Yeah, but when it's the only thing I have or ever had in my entire life, I can't help but cling to it.

If someone shows me that there's something more to love, I'll be willing to let Gene go. Until then, I can't, no matter what he does to me, whether it's good or bad. Geez, life has a funny way of making me feel bad no matter what decision I make. I guess what I'm doing is less of a real "choice" and more like a survival instinct against two evils.

Maybe...maybe not. Who am I to tell? I'm not normal, because I can't cry over what Gene does to me. I can only laugh, as though the whole universe was playing some sort of cosmic joke on me.