Author: munky
Email c&c to: [email protected]
Rating: PG-15
Pairing: mentions past Ferio/Clef, Ferio/Fuu
Genre: Magic Knight Rayearth yaoi fanfiction, AU, drama, supernatural appearances, and angst.
Archive: MCY; anywhere else, just ask.
Author Notes: Ehh, a bit of cursing and a lot of angst.
Disclaimer: All owned by CLAMP, nothing owned by munky, so don�t sue, please.

ON WIT DA FIC!!

I�ve always been a light sleeper. Don�t ask me why, it�s just a habit. When me an� Emeraude were little, I�d sneak into her chambers and slide into bed with her. That way, I wouldn�t be alone, eyes open as I stared at the ceiling, listening to the little noises in the night that made me scared as hell. She never said nothin� to deter me, cause I guess she knew how much I needed someone to hold onto.

God, I miss her. I guess deep down, I regret asking her to make me forget. Every time I see that earring dangling down Fuu�s ear, I can�t help but think of her�or him. Emeraude and Clef. They�re shadows of my past that can�t seem to go away.

In my sister�s case, I don�t want the memories to leave me. That�s all I got left of her. If I lose them, then what? I can�t just wish them back or make new ones.

With Clef, I�m just all confused. There�s somethin� screamin� at me to forget that anything�s happened between me an� Fuu and run back to him. He was my first, yah know? And whenever stuff was botherin� me back then, before this whole mess-up in the Pillar system, I�d always slide out of bed and make my way down to his rooms. I could trust my�sensei? Yeah, that�s what Fuu says, sensei. I could trust my sensei to use his big brain and solve whatever problem or dilemma I had.

Then I look into Fuu�s eyes and I�m swept away in the need to protect that innocent girl that reminds me so much of Emeraude sometimes, it downright hurts. Yeah, Clef and I have got a history together that runs deep, but I could never throw it away for a forbidden fuck now. That�s what it�d be, just a fuck fer old times� sake that would probably destroy what�s growing between Fuu and me and probably make my relationship with Clef a helluva lot more strained than it is now.

Life just gets more and more complicated, doesn�t it?

He�why did he have to come back now? I thought the Princess made him forget everything�me, our life together, and herself. He wanted it that way, so he wouldn�t miss me. So he wouldn�t miss her. He shouldn�t have ever come back here.

Quit fooling yourself, old man. He did come back here, that�s the truth. He came back here hand in hand with Fuu. He left you for the girl that came from the other world to help Emeraude kill herself in the name of love.

Stop it. You shouldn�t be so bitter�after all, no one knew that was her wish. Not you, who supposedly knows everything, not Ferio, and most importantly of all, not the girls themselves. They just wanted to go home and be with their families. It�s not right to blame them for her death.

Maybe, just maybe, I could have forgotten Ferio if he hadn't forgotten me first. It seems like such a juvenile idea, but if he at least acknowledged that he knew me this afternoon, I could have pushed aside all the memories of sweat-soaked sheets and the heavy perfume of sex that surrounded him to believe he was at least my friend. I certainly would have never broken down like that in front of everyone and showed how weak I was.

Instead, I would have broken down when I was by myself and free to cry. Just like always. Only now, he won't be there to comfort me.

When Fuu and me came in with Hikaru and Umi today, I couldn't help but notice how pale and fragile-lookin' Clef was. He looked like he was about to collapse even before he saw me come in. Teh, just like the Clef I've always known; pushes' himself 'til there's nothin' left of him to give. When he throws himself into somethin', he's always like that. Just seein' him like that made me want to yell at him for bein' so stupid and then fuck him senseless to make him feel better. I knew I couldn't do that anymore and maybe that's the part that hurts worst of all. That I can remember every little thing that happened between us, but I couldn't remember before it was too late.

Huh, I should be satisfied with my life; I've found out who I was. I'm no longer a bandit in the forest, stealin' from passerby to survive. Now, I'm the crown prince of Cephiro, brother to the former Pillar and in love with a Magic Knight. I should be happy. I should be. Instead, I'm miserable and lost and I miss my sister and a life I can't remember and didn't even know about for the longest time.

All I can do is sit here by the window of my bedroom and watch the full moon in the sky, swollen and pregnant as it shines its' light down on my face, with color as full and as deep as Fuu's eyes. I wish I could calm down enough to sleep and face the world tomorrow instead of having it weigh on my shoulders tonight.

Too bad I can't.

I lie in bed, staring at the ceiling swathed in complete darkness. My mind flashes with images of him, him and him and him. I can't relax; my head is pounding, my heart hurts like someone has grabbed a hold and crushed it, and my stomach aches with a void that I'm so afraid will never be filled again. My love for the memory of Ferio is slowly turning into an unquenchable obsession for retribution against him for breaking my heart with the reality of his return. I want to hurt him so badly right now, but I can't. I could never hurt him, no matter how much he hurt me.

Hot, angry tears wet my pillow as I toss and turn in between the sheets of my bed. I'm so close to breaking down forever and I'm both enraged and frightened at the idea. Everything in my mind is swirling around in one large black miasma until I feel a cool hand against my cheek. I start to open my eyes, unaware of the moment they had closed, but change my mind suddenly, as if a hidden power has convinced me to keep them shut.

"Hush now."

I take a deep breath and all my fear, my anger, and my tension disappears. My body relaxes and before I know, I'm fast asleep.

Aw hell, why do I even bother trying to sleep? I just can't get comfortable, even though this is my old bedroom and my old bed. I tried to sleep on the floor, like I used to sleep on the ground when I lived in the forest, but didn't work. Clef and Fuu and Emeraude's faces kept showing up in front of my eyes, like they were all haunting my thoughts. I just can't escape from them.

Did I make the right decision today when I saw Clef for the first time in years? Should I have said something to Clef so he would know that I still see him as a friend at least? Hell, I'm not even sure I should have even come at a time like this. My older sister just died, ya know? I'm just all confused.

"Close your eyes, baby brother."

"Emeraude?" I ask, even as I obey her. Her cool hands stroke my cheeks softly, voice humming a hauntingly familiar tune from our not so far away childhood. Just like when we were kids and I was scared of being alone.

"Hush, Ferio. Hush."

Okay, sis. Okay.