Reminiscing, Reminding, and Blocking out crap:
I sit here listening to Modern Hardcore knowing a while ago I would
be kicking myself for such things. But right now it’s all I got. Part of
it is the lyrics. The other half is that it reminds me of the people who
I miss more than anything right now and wish that I was living with.
It’s also drowning out the Queen and Celine Dion but that’s another
story. And the whole point of this is to forget that I am here right now.
And dealing with this. And that I don’t want to surcome to partaking
in this reality TV show or publishing it in anyway, shape, or form.
My name is Harry and No, I don’t do drugs.
The hardest part of this house is when something’s going on everyone
is going to know about it. Hanging up the phone and just wanting to
be alone, recollecting your thoughts from the outside world and from
a person that matters too you more then anything (Jodi, Lee, Andrea,
Courtney, Kenny, Austin, Alex, Janette, Jesse, Mom, dad, Patty who ever
else). It’s hard. You just want to be alone and read or write or walk
or just keep yourself completely removed so you can come to the
reality that was once yours. Because in that talk, on the other end,
they were in theirs, not listing to Music they don’t like, Not cooking
Meat they wont eat, Not cleaning up after people they are fed up
with, Not about to embark on a dance class they have no interest in,
Not about to plan an outing knowing everything they will learn in
advanced: of course not. They are living their lives and for the most
part going in the directions they want to go. And even hearing about
the kid they saw on the bus that day or the late night coffee that was
about nothing the night before. These things. They are still in their life,
in control. And I am here. Writing. Trying to explain this bizarre insanity
that they could never grasp. And you don’t want to say goodbye but the
phones are in common places and you can’t even be true to them, to
these people who matter most.
And you hang up and your roommates ask, “if you are alright? Is everything okay?�?
Yes, everything is fine. Its just I don’t want to see your face right now.