About Me

Hello. Welcome to my homepage. My name is Robert and, finally, I've decided to grace the Internet with my presence, so to speak. Here you will discover some of the things I think and do though of course I've selected just the best bits and I'm keeping some of my ideas/behaviours private. So, it's a bit like meeting in a club. How do you do? Pleased to meet you. Nice ass.
I'm 19. Aquarius, born on 3rd February 1982. I grew up in Liverpool, yes�home of the Beatles (yarn!), and have spent the last year in London. I've had some pretty surreal and exciting experiences in my brief existence and this has given me a lot to say about a lot of things.
About me: I'm 6'2 tall (dunno the metric), medium build, have hazel eyes and, currently, blond hair. I sometimes wear glasses and have my eyebrow and lower-lip pierced.
Personality-wise..�I'd like to think that I'm enigmatic and aloof, in fact, rather austere. . Maybe that's just an Aquarian thing. Actually, I'm quite the opposite. I'm very open, accepting, honest etc. and generally like all people. I try to avoid conflict (which isn't always a good thing) and try to make lots of friends. My aim in life isn't just to have money and fame and lots of sex- I'd like to become somewhat ensnared, emotionally speaking, with lots of nice loveable people!
I'm so eclectic that I lose myself-I read anything. Sometimes I think I'm obsessed by religion and other people's beliefs. I've tried everything from Asatru to Zoroastrianism. I'm vegetarian and I'm very interested in alternative/complementary therapies, such as herbalism.
I also have broad musical interests- choosing whatever my mood dictates. Generally I like to listen to Bjork, bossa nova and Madonna!
I feel very influenced by sociology and have strong political views.
I'm gay and, although coming to terms with the societal repercussions of that has been difficult, I've found my life with family and friends much better since I came out of that proverbial closet! Being gay is a big thing for me and affects my personality as much as being white, English, male etc.
Over the last year I've become a little bit unfocused and lacking in direction. Not directionless, just confronted by too many paths. So, with this homepage I hope to learn lots of things from lots of new people. Then perhaps I can decide what I really want to be and do.

Here's some more biographical stuff to get your teeth into. I was born in Liverpool and lived there, in Gateacre to be specific, until I was eight years old. I went to a school called "Belle Vale." I can't actually remember much of my life at this time, just arb things like getting a 'Thundercats' sword for my seventh birthday. I had no friends. Well, of course, I had friends but, in keeping with most of my childhood life, I had no very good friends. Nor did I seem to care; I was very confused, finding the company of girls to be more fun, the company of boys to be a social pressure necessary to succumb to and the company of myself to be preferential to all other options. I wasn't so clever either and was afraid of everything- maybe I had some weird social phoia or something but my condfidence was zero. I led, and did for a long time, a double life of absolute behavioural and socail correctness in school and angry, bitter, sister hating at home.
My family left Liverpool in 1990 and moved to Widnes (eek...My God). It's probably the perfect suburban environment to grow up in and, if you fit with the rest of the population, then you're fine. Moving, for me, meant yet another social obstacle- especially when starting my next primary school "Ditton Church of England." Here again I managed to make some good 'non-friends' and to spend most of my life outside of school alone. This doesn't mean I was boring- my choldhood gave me a real chance to develop a thirst for learning and knowing lots of shit other people didn't. It was when I moved to Widnes that I suddenly got clever, so to speak. Things in school became very good, meaning I could gain some social acceptance as the 'clever kid.' Still, I always felt like the nancy boy of the class, which was a great help in chipping away at my confidence.
It was around the age of ten or eleven when I started to get interested in religious/spiritual things. Even today this is my passion. The seed had been planted much earlier, I remember as a very young child staring at my reflection in the mirror and asking 'Why am I me?' over and over. This rreally freaked me out; I started to think about death and humankind etc etc. and I think that this event, which was quite an epiphany for me, has spurred me on to try and find some meaning to life.
At eleven I started secondary education att "Wade Deacon High School." Yet again the effects oof selfconsciousness, loneliness and total lack of confidence helped to make feel quite miserable at times. The first thing that hit me was the horror of PE- physical education. I was so crap and so humiliated by my teacher that I lost the will to carry on. I pleaded for 'excuse notes' from my mother, feigned illnesses, cried, shouted and so on. The feelings of powerlesseness and loss of control I had in school moulded me into a perfect student- courteous, hard working, well behaved, passive etc.. I threw myself into deep study.
It was during secondary school that my homosexuality, which I had pushed to the back of my mind since earlier childhood, really started to affect me. I began to feel like the calss faggot, I was having all kinds of cliched shower room fantacies and I had nobody to talk too. Dealing with this alone has made me a strong person inside. I am very proud of all that I've achieved. Of course, life probably wasn't so bad objectively, but my feelings were real no matter how exaggerated or unnecessary they may have been. I really hope that in the future I can help people with their problems so that they do not have to suffer alone.
When I was sixteen years old, before my GCSE exams were about to commence, my mother and father separated. This was no shock to me- things had been rocky for some time, they were married at a young age, history of divorce in the family, my father was a sales representative. Statistically, there wasn't a hope in hell. I remember my mother asking if I was OK with her leaving and that she could stay until after my exams finished. This was quite surreal. In the same moment I felt so adult and so emotionless. I finally realised that my mother was a person, that she had a life, that she could change things to make herself happier. She left. I did my exams. I vegged out.I got my first boyfriend. I lost my virginity. I was suddnely so mature(!).
After a long summer of intense infatuation with Tibetan Buddhism and the Hare Krishna movement (ISKCON) I started studying at "Widnes Sicth Form College." I studied four A levels- Psychology, Sociology, Politics and English Language/Literature, eventually gaining four A grades. This has to be one of the best times in my life. I felt confident, intellignet, admired, funny and, what a release, some acceptance for being gay. I mad especially good friends with people I went to school with (Rachel and Rebecca Wilkinson, Jesssica Spicer...) and made a great new friend in Emma Murphy, whose natural ability to show love and sincerity I will never forget. College gave me a chance to dye my hair, to gain confidence in speaking and to argue and win.
All this was soon to change when I started university. I chose to lose contact with everybody- in some way preparing for the inevitable cutting of friendship cords when I moved to go to King's College London. University was a big let down to say the least: a mish-mash assembly of professors with attitude problems whose boredom and apathy seemed to infect me like a cancer. Life was meaningless and dull- I didn't want to make friends with anybody because they just were not the kind of people I could imagine opening my soul to. I did fall in love with London, however, and found some release in the Hare Krishna movement. Gradually, university faded into the bacckground and temple life became all in all. I managed to shut myself off from life by immersing myself in a nonexistence of 'chanting, dancing and feasting.' My confidence was again vanquished, which I put down to developing some spiritual humility of material egolessness, and, worst of all, it was all my own choice and my own fault.
At the same time, I managed to make some of my best friends during this time: Tigran Manoukian, who was the first person to show me real friendship in London; Gauranugraha prabhu, who speaks more wisdom than he realises; Nikhil Singh, who helped release the old-new Robert; Aileen Withers, who should have been born into an aristocratic family in the 1920s , a future author to look out for.
It is thanks to my time at the Radha-Krishna Temple that I met Luiz Fernando and have changed, and still am changing, my life for the better. I owe a great debt to him, which I can only repay with my love. At age eleven I never could have guessed the path of my life, now I feel like a whole new person and this site is part of that.

Anyway, now you can continue to see the rest of my site.