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Ciggs Rotten (TM) Online Entertainments LTD
Dr Merlin Fox, a specialist in human psychology and ethics and renowned author of such books as �The Jedis� Guide to Healthy Eating� and �The Pantdevil Stole My Apple� has been recruited by Ciggs Rotten � Online Entertainments to provide periodical advice to all you mortals.
A Short (but poignant) story by Dr Fox
Once upon a time there was a thin person (granted she was 4 years old but she was the perfect weight for her height).
Then one day she walked into a pie shop.
The End
The Pantry
The following article discusses dietary requirements and the science of healthy eating.
A recent medical survey of 4 million people from around Britain discovered a link between obesity and feet.
�How are we so fat just because of our feet?�, I hear you ask. Well, we have discovered that in 95% of cases the old adage of "who ate all the pies?" may in fact hold a scientific truth.
The data we collated proved beyond all argument that the longer the feet spent in the pantry the fatter people become. Astounding results I agree, but the information is accurate to 0.00001%.
In the remaining 5% of cases where the feet were not responsible, we discovered that the individuals were too big to make it to the pantry themselves and so had a partner or relative fetch the fodder for them.
In conclusion, as a respected scientist in my field, I can accurately predict that keeping feet out of the pantry will rapidly reduce weight loss.
As for the chair bound cases who rely upon loved ones to fetch their scoff; in medical speak, they are well and truly fucked and just waiting for their existence to flow by and end.
This article may seem cruel but please try to remember this; I�m in fine condition because I choose to walk the dog where as you choose to walk to the pantry, one being the path to heath and fitness, the other being the path to gluttony. Consequently, get a dog and get out of the larder.
Pay heed and your quality of life will improve, ignore my words and you will become a burden on society and take up more grave space thus reducing the planets burial capacity. Don�t be so selfish and diet before you die or arrange to be cremated and have your ashes spread across the Yorkshire Dales.
See you next week mortals
Subsidiary of
Ciggs Rotten (TM) Online Entertainments LTD