--------------- The worst sort of employment on the planet, determined many times by large groups of various people claiming to be experts, is officiating. "Boy! Would I ever hate to be a referee!" the cry often comes from these experts, who with their work now done, go off to eat tiny sandwiches. And the worst sort of employment in the form of officiating on the planet, determined when the experts finished their sandwiches, was officiating a professional wrestling event of any sort. "Boy! Would that ever suck!" was what they had to say about that. And, in fact, they would be perfectly right. The life of a professional wrestling referee is downright horrid. Oh, sure, at first glance it wouldn't *seem* to be a horrid job; the referees get to fly first-class all over the world, see many new and exciting places, meet many new and exciting people, and basically be paid a surprisingly large amount of money just to count to three or to tell the timekeeper that somebody has given up. But the second glance, and all the ones after that, would show why the job was considered to be such a monumental stinker as compared to all the other jobs. By which I mean: the other people in the ring. Imagine the scenario - you, a professional wrestling referee, are simply trying to do your job and wait for the chance to either count to three or to tell the timekeeper that somebody has given up, and WHAM you are flattened by the big muscular idiot who just missed a running attack of some sort. Or perhaps you find yourself standing next to one person getting up while the other person is up on the turnbuckle prepared to jump and CRUNCH you find yourself planted six inches into the mat because the big recovering muscular idiot decided it'd be best for everyone involved if *you* were to be the one hit by the smaller and more agile muscular idiot flying off a high place and had pulled you in front of himself. (For those of you counting at home, that run-on sentence contained a whopping *seventy-seven* words. ^^) Or maybe you get the job of officiating a tag-team matchup, meaning whenever one big muscular idiot pins another and you are trying to count to three(as is your job), the teammate of the big muscular idiot being pinned stomps on your head to break the count. And, of course, there are those lovely "No Disqualification" matches where you would be hit with a steel chair or a Singaporean cane and be *unable to do squat about it*. And so it was that when the call went to the arena's Official Referee Lounge (an extravagant room filled with all the finest food, several television sets, a group of cello players who knew how to play absolutely anything you requested, an almost grotesquely large hot tub, and all the recreational drugs you could imagine) that there was another match going on out there that needed officiating, they quit. "'S'what I would have done," the experts would later say. "Say, is that one tuna?" *-------------------------------------------------------------------------* | REFORMING EVIL CAN BE TRICKY! | | | | Chapter 8 - Enough With The Damn Wrestling | | | | This story originally started by James Howard, the MultiMediocre Knight | | This chapter written by James Howard, the MultiMediocre Knight | *-------------------------------------------------------------------------* "They *what*?" John A. Hazardouslay intoned dully. "They quit, sir," his secretary repeated, rubbing the back of her neck as she stood before her employer's desk. "Ugh," John A. Hazardouslay grunted, running his fingers through his slicked-back blonde hair. John A., in fact, was not his real name. It was all part of a large scheme he had concocted in order to keep all his businesses - he had won the Japan Wrestling Federation from a good friend of his in a poker game, and due to an old and completely unexplicable bylaw, it was illegal in Japan to own both a wrestling federation and an incense company. Rather than give up ownership of either the JWF or Ash Gore Weed Inc., he simply ran the JWF under an assumed name. And, except for having to explain numerous times to his mother that he hadn't *really* changed his name, everything worked out perfectly. Well, as perfectly as everything *could* work when the referees quit every two months. "Tell you what," John A. said, "until we can get the referees to come back to work again, all matches will have special guest referees." "Who?" The secretary asked, scribbling notes in her book. "I don't know. I don't care." John A. said, rubbing his temples. "Go away." The secretary bowed and exited. "What a silly goose," she said as she closed the door behind her. --- Meanwhile, at Fabio's house... "I can't believe it's not butter," Fabio smiled, eating toast. --- "FOLKS, THIS IS INCREDIBLE!" the Hyper Japanese Announcer screamed into his microphone. "HOLY CRAP! HE KICKED HIM IN THE FACE!" the Hyper English Announcer screamed, slamming his fist down on the English Announcer's Replacement Table. "Yes indeed, folks, this match is for the JWF World Tag Team Titles, currently held by Kim Kaphwan and Kim Kaphwan," the Calm Japanese Announcer announced. "Yep, he kicked him in the face," the Calm English Announcer said. Indeed, the match was for the Japan Wrestling Federation's World Tag Team Titles, which had been won by Kim Kaphwan. And indeed, Jhun Hoon had just kicked Billy Kane in the face. It should be noted that, right now, Jhun was fighting both Billy Kane and Kyo Kusanagi by himself. Kim Kaphwan, the JWF World Tag Team Champions, was sitting on the top turnbuckle watching the entranceway. "Kim, you know, I really wouldn't mind at all if you came down here and helped out," Jhun said, trying as always to be as polite as possible no matter what the circumstances. "But Jhun," Kim said, smiling (#132, The "As It Stands Now, I Am Waiting For Something" Smile), "we can't start the fight until we have a referee." "FOLKS, THIS IS INCREDIBLE!" the Hyper Japanese Announcer screamed. "WE HAVE JUST LEARNED THAT THE REFEREES HAVE QUIT!" "That marks the third time this month, for those of you keeping score at home," the Calm Japanese Announcer said. "HOLY CRAP! HE KICKED HIM IN THE FACE AGAIN!" the Hyper English Announcer yelled. "Folks," the Calm Japanese Announcer announced, "the order has just come from John A. Hazardouslay himself that all matches will have Special Guest Referees!" "THIS IS INCREDIBLE!" the Hyper Japanese Announcer screamed. "WHO WILL BE THE SPECIAL GUEST REFEREE FOR TONIG-" A bassline fired up over the sound system. The crowd went nuts, recognizing it as the music of the current JWF World Heavyweight Champion. The members of the Kaphwan Reform Group, as well as those in the ring, were absolutely perplexed. "Hmm?" Kim said, smiling (#87, The "Who Can It Be Now?" Smile). "Now who can i-" "S-E-X-X-Y!", the speakers blared as JWF World Heavyweight Champion Hideo Shimazu strolled out wearing a referee's shirt over his rumpled white shirt. "MORE THAN E-NUH-UFF!" In truth, Hideo Shimazu was nowhere near "S-E-X-X-Y". He couldn't even be considered "S-E-X-Y". All things considered, in fact, a closer description would be "S-H-A-G-G-Y, U-N-S-H-A-V-E-N, A-N-D W-E-A-R-I-N-G G-L-A-S-S-E-S T-H-A-T M-A-K-E H-I-M L-O-O-K L-I-K-E A M-U-S-C-U-L-A-R, J-A-P-A-N-E-S-E B-I-L-L G-A-T-E-S". But anybody who asked him about his choice in theme music promptly found themself on fire and being hit in the stomach repeatedly, so they didn't press the issue. The effect on the arena was instantly recognizable. The crowd, Jack Kaphwan included, instantly leapt to its' collective feet and cheered like ten-year-old girls at a Celine Dion concert. Kyo Kusanagi, Billy Kane and Jhun Hoon stopped fighting and stared at the scruffy, frowny guy coming towards them. Kim Kaphwan leapt ten feet straight down from the turnbuckle to the floor and jogged over to Hideo. "Hideo!" Kim yelled, waving and smiling(#129, The "Well, How About That, It's My Old Friend Hideo Shimazu Whom I Went To College With And Who Was Until Recently A Very Well-Known And Respected Teacher In The Fine Land Of Japan And Who Quit To Do What He Is Now Doing Which Is Living His Life's Dream And Being A Professional Wrestler" Smile). "Well, hey there Kim!" Hideo said, grinning as he walked to the ring. "Last place I expected to run into you again!" "Well, you never know," Kim said. "How's life been treating you?" "Oh, marvelous, marvelous," Hideo nodded. "Honestly, things have been *so* much better since I got away from all those hooligans at Justice High." "KIM?" Jhun yelled, just barely rolling out of the way of Billy Kane's swing. "HELP?" "There are hooligans at Justice High?" Kim asked, his eyes narrowing. "Oh, yes," Hideo said, shaking his head, "they're all a bunch of evil little monsters in all the schools nowadays. I mean, you can't even go *near* the schools these days without bumping into a bunch of them fighting." "Is that so," Kim said, frowning thoughtfully. "KIM!" Jhun screamed, clutching his left knee and trying desperately not to be set on fire. "KIM! YOOHOO! KIM!" "In fact, almost *all* of the school board's teachers have quit. It's no use anymore, trying to teach these kids anything. In fact, I got the crap kicked out of me a couple times by them..." "Hmmmm," Kim hmmmmed, holding his chin thoughtfully. "KIM! FOR THE LOVE OF CRAP! GET IN HERE!" Jhun screamed, rolling around on the mat trying to put his hair out while Billy hit him in the ribs repeatedly. Kyo reared back and kicked him right in the face, knocking him out. Billy leaned down and pinned the unconscious Jhun. "I have an idea!" Kim suddenly yelled, smacking his fist into his palm. "Great! Just wait a second and I'll be right back, okay?" Hideo said, sliding into the ring. "I can wait," Kim smiled(#45, the "This Smile Supports My Claim That I Can Wait" Smile), and waited as Hideo fulfilled his contractual obligation and counted to three. "So, where were we?" Hideo said as he slid back out of the ring. "Well, as I was saying before..." Kim started as he and Hideo walked to the back. The crowd, which had been sitting silently the whole time, finally figured out what the hell was going on and booed like there was no tomorrow. Particularily rowdy spectators began throwing food, garbage and other spectators into the ring. And Don Kaphwan sat in Row 16, shaking his head and watching his father walk to the back chatting with the JWF World Heavyweight Champion. "There goes a stupid, stupid man," he said. ----- Beep-beep-bourp-beep-bourp-bourp-bourp. Ring. Ring. Ring. Ring. Ring. Ring. Whurk-chicka-chuk-WHIRRRRRRRR-chik- CHUGUNK-whi- "Hi! You've reached the headquarters of MS-DOS! We're not in right now to take your call, s-" "Moo." Click. ----- "They should be here any minute now," Kim smiled(#132 again) as he relaxed in a large plush chair. "I'll explain the plan to them as soon as they are." "Quite the plan, indeed," Hideo nodded, relaxing in an almost grotesquely large hot tub. Kim looked around the room. "This is *all* for the referees?" he asked. "Some of your requested guests, sir," a member of security said as he entered through the large automatic sliding door. "But I'm not really sure you want t-" "Oh, let them in," Kim smiled(#66, The "Silly Person, You Do What I Tell You To" Smile). The security man shrugged and went back out the door, which almost closed before the approaching mass set off the trigger and opened it again. "Well, THERE you two are!" Kim said. "Where have you been?" "Must... kill... everybody. Must... kill... everybody. Must... KILL... EVERYBODY. MUST... KILL... EVERYBODY." Ryuji kept repeating this jolly little sentence over and over as he staggered into the room, his eyes glazed with rage. "Wheeeeee!" Iori gurgled, still stuck to Ryuji's back. "Thish ride'sh FUN! Ride 'em, cow-Iori! Heeheeheeheeeheeheeehee!" "Now how did you manage to get large chunks of concrete stuck to your clothes like that?" Kim asked with a Slightly Puzzled Smile. (#62.) "MUST. KILL. EVERYBODY. MUST. KILL. EVERYBODY." Ryuji droned. "Well, anyway, as soon as everyone else gets here I'll explain where we're going next, okay?" "MUST. KILL. EVERYBODY. MUST. KILL. EVERYBODY." "Yeah!" Iori giggled. "Musht! Shee! TV! Musshhht! Shee! TV!" "MUST. KILL. EVERYBODY. MUST. #&$%^#&. KILL. EVERYBODY." "Sir?" the security guy said, popping his head back in. "More of them. Are you *sure* you want t-" "Send them in," Kim said, smiling (#66) again. The door slid open again to reveal the rest of the group - except Billy Kane. "Now, Mom," Don said, walking backwards to stay in front of Kimona, "you know what Dr. LeBrat says about your blood pressure..." "Think happy thoughts, Mom," Don babbled, "think happy thoughts, please, please, for the love of god, think happy thoughts." "MUST. KILL. KIM." Kimona droned, her left eye twitching as she took test swings of a Singaporean Cane she had found lying around. "MUST. KILL. KIM. MUST. KILL. KIM." "Erm. Hi, dear," Kim smiled(#53.5, The Smile That Is Exactly Halfway Between The Calming Smile And The "Uh-oh..." Smile). "So, erm, uhm, lovely weather we're having, isn't it?" "KIIIIIIIIIIIIM," she growled, swinging at Kim. Kim barely managed to dive out of the chair before it hit, knocking the chair a good twenty feet backwards. "She says she isn't happy with the sort of role model you're being for the kids - check that - *your* kids, leaving your good friend Jhun Hoon out there to fend for himself against two people who really ought to be put to sleep," Don monotoned. "How can you tell?" Jack asked. "I'm smarter than you," Don replied. "Oh. Okay. That makes sense," Jack nodded, smiling(#8, The "That Makes Sense" Smile). Don shook his head and strongly considered becoming a hermit. "Oh, don't be worried about Jhun," Kim smiled(#144, The "Don't Worry, Be Happy" Smile). "He's perfectly capable of taking care of himself." ----- "Check it out," one janitor said to the other, "this guy wears a *Rolex*." "And look at this!" the second janitor said, taking the wallet from Jhun's unconscious body and emptying it into his pocket. "Jackpot!" "He won't miss this," the first one said, pocketing the Rolex and a keychain. "Say, fellows," a voice purred, "would you mind if I took something?" "Not at all, miss," the second one said, "take whatever you want." "Thank you." "Say," the first janitor said, turning and pointing up to the nosebleed section, "did you see those guys throwing the jujubes from up there?" "Y'know, I really didn't think that was possible," the second janitor said. "It was majestic, my man, simply majestic. One of those th- say, where did..." Jhun Hoon's body had disappeared. ----- Beep-beep-bourp-beep-bourp-bourp-bourp. Ring. Ring. Ring. Ring. Ring. Ring. Whurk-chicka-chuk-WHIRRRRRRRR-chik- CHUGUNK-whi- "Hi! You've reached the headquarters of MS-DOS! We're not in right now to take your call, so leave a mess-" "MOO." Click. ----- "Man, you want us to be TEACHIN'?" Lucky said, staring incredulously at Kim. "Of course!" Kim said, hopping onto a coffee table and striking a cinematic pose while cellos began playing in the background. "With the current shortage of teachers, what better way for you fellows to be learning valuable skills for society than having you influence the lives of these fine young people who simply need a little guidance in life? Why, you can teach them the value of always sticking to the right path in life, and never going astray! And if they follow those three important but simple steps, which I like to call the three "T"s, y-" "But this is only temporary, RIGHT, KIM? ISN'T THAT RIGHT?" Kimona yelled, whacking her Singaporean Cane against the wall and scaring off the cello players. "Yes, Kimona, dear," Kim smiled(#23, The Calming Smile). "LAURA!" The Author screamed, popping his head out of a portal. "*LAURA*! SWEET MERCIFUL CRAP! HER NAME I-" *WHACK~!* The Author's eyes rolled into the back of his head as the Singaporean Cane hit him right between the eyes and he sank back into the portal. "Dee," Heavy D! said, rubbing the back of his head. "Yes," Kim said, "we'll only be there for a few days, unless of course it works out really well and some of you want to stay and be teachers, in which case you'll be considered reformed and will go on to have a happy and worthwhile life working with our greatest natural res... say, where's William Kane?" Everybody looked around. "Therr he ish!" Iori said, pointing at Heavy D!. "Dee?" Dee asked. "Hmmmm. Security?" Kim called. "Yes, sir?" the security guy said, popping his head into the room. "Find Mr. Kane and give him the message that we're leaving in an hour, alright?" "Yes, sir. Should I congratulate him as well on winning the Tag Team Titles?" "Sure!" Kim smiled(#44, The "Sure, Why Not, I'm Happy For Him" Smile). "Sweet merciful crap, I married an idiot," Kimona muttered, sighing(#3, The "Sweet Merciful Crap, I Married An Idiot" Sigh). ----- "Called up to meet John A. Hazardouslay himself," Kyo crowed, his JWF Tag Team Championship slung over his shoulder. "He must recognize greatness when he sees it. I mean, I *am* the World Tag Team Champions..." Billy Kane said nothing, lost in thought as the two of them walked through the halls towards the office of John A. For one thing, he wondered how exactly he managed to get stuck with the one person who annoyed him almost as much as Kim. For another thing, he was *sure* he had heard the name "John A. Hazardouslay" somewhere before... he adjusted the Tag Team Championship belt around his waist as he walked. "Hey, baby," Kyo said, changing direction to walk with a passing female, "wanna rub my big, shiny championship belt?" Billy kept on walking, shaking his head. He turned the corner just as he lost himself in thought again and continued walking as Kyo scrambled around the corner, just barely avoiding the shoe thrown at his head. "Yeah, she digs me," Kyo said as he caught up to Billy, slowing down to comb his hair. Billy knocked on the doors to John A. Hazardouslay's office. "Come in," Hazardouslay's voice intoned as the doors slid open. "Bloody 'ell, I *know* that voice... who *is* that?" Billy thought to himself as he stepped inside. "Huh? Hey! Wait for me!" Kyo said, running towards the door. He made it inside the doorframe just as the sliding doors closed again. Kyo was comically sliced down the middle, with half of him falling inside the office and half falling out. Billy didn't notice, walking up to the desk. "So, ah, Mr. 'azrdesly, sir, you wanted to see me?" Billy said, addressing the turned-away chair of John A. "Billy," John A. said as he swivelled his chair around to face him, "you ignorant slut." "Geese!" Billy's jaw fell. "Bloomin' 'ell!" Geese chuckled and ran his fingers through his slicked-back blonde hair. "Yes, I know, it-" "What're you doin' in John A. 'azrdesly's office?" Geese facefaulted. ----- Jhun Hoon, meanwhile, regained consciousness. He followed up this feat with trying to sit up. He failed. He tried again. Nope. Hmmm. He tried another couple tries, with about as much success, and finally figured out that he wasn't moving because his arms and legs were handcuffed to something. After a moment of thought, he decided he'd work out a method of sitting up later and let his head hit the pillow. Wait. Pillow? Jhun, confused, sat up again - or at least tried to. He looked around the room. He was in a large bedroom, which judging from the noises coming through the floor was just above a nightclub or bar of some sort. He looked around some more. He was handcuffed to each corner of the bed. The predominant colour of the room seemed to be purple. Purple walls, purple bedsheets, purple lingerie, purple pi- He doubletaked. There, indeed, was purple lingerie. And it was... coming closer to him. "Well, look who's finally conscious," King purred. Jhun's nose exploded in a fountain of blood and he passed out. ----- "Aren't y' prouda me, Geese? Look!" Billy, flushed with pride, held out his JWF World Tag Team Title belt. "Did ye see how well I did?" "Yes, Billy, I saw it," Geese said evenly. "It *was* televised, after all." "And what did'ja think?" Billy beamed. "Did you see it when I hit that long-haired Jhun guy right in th'ead? Wasn't that great?" Geese held his forehead. "What?" Billy asked. "Billy," Geese said, rubbing his temples, "remember what your mission was?" "Yes, SAH!" Billy piped, smiling and nodding. "To follow and eliminate Kim Kaphw..." Billy paused, trailing off. "...oh." He paused again. "...ohhhh." There was silence for a few seconds. "Billy, you absolute lugan," Geese said. "Sorry," he said, scratching the back of his head. "'Sorry'?" Geese said. "Billy, you've blown the entire missio-" "Billy Kane?" the security guy said, poking his head in through the door. "Mr. Kaphwan wants you to be out front in an hour so you can rejoin the group and go on to your next mission." "...Well, forget I said anything," Geese said. Billy nodded... then noticed what was at the base of the door. "OH MI' GAWD!" Geese shook his head, chuckling. "It killed Kyo." ----- Beep-beep-bourp-beep-bourp-bourp-bourp. Ring. Ring. Ri- "Hello? Hello! MS-DOS Headquarters! High Grand Chief Marshall Commander Matthew Steadfast, how may I help-" "Moo." "Ah! Agent 001! What do you have t-" "Moo." "He did WH-" "Moo." "And then h-" "Moo." "Oh, come on, you're making that u-" "MOO!" "Well, it's a lit-" "MOOOOOO!" "Okay! Okay! I'm sor-" "MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! MOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" ----- WILL THE KAPHWAN REFORM GROUP MANAGE TO TEACH EFFECTIVELY? WILL KIM KAPHWAN HAVE TO RECRUIT MORE PEOPLE INTO THE KAPHWAN REFORM GROUP? HOW MANY TIMES IS KYO GOING TO DIE? OR WILL WE KILL OFF THE JOKE INSTEAD? ARE WE THE ONLY IMPRO THAT WOULD EVEN *CONSIDER* USING RIVAL SCHOOLS, OR *WHAT*? ALL THESE QUESTIONS AND MORE, POSSIBLY WITH ANSWERS, IN CHAPTER NINE - BROUGHT TO YOU BY QUADRUPLE-DOUBLE-YOU INCORPORATED. --------------- Author's Nose: | | \ .\ --- --------------- Author's Note: Yes, I'm going to hell for that one. ^^ Well, the next chapter's going to be written by W4, so it'll probably be better than this one. I'll level with you, this chapter only exists to keep the story from being taken down. Although, now that I think of it, that's actually the reason for *every* chapter of an impro. ^^ Now, see, I'm working on a computer that could easily be considered "old", so I'm probably going to end up disappearing off the face of the internet once New Year's rolls around. So consider this my final work... unless, you know, you hear otherwise from me. :) Thanks go out to SNK for creating the Easily-Worshippable Kim Kaphwan and all those other, less important characters, to W4 for proofreading, and to you the reader for reading it. And if you sign up to continue it, you get even *more* thanks! :) Any comments, questions, flames, MiSTings, monetary offers or Arrogant Worms mp3s can be sent to mmk@beer.com, but if you're going to send something to me try to send it before the new year rolls around, 'cause... ^_^ So, unless I'm still around after January 1st, Oonta Gleebin Glotin Globin and a Happy New Year to all of you! ---------------------------------------------------------------------- - - - James Howard, the MultiMediocre Knight - - December 26th, 1999 - - Email: mmk@beer.com - - Visit the Church of Kaphwan at - - http://www.geocities.com/TimesSquare/Battlefield/4281/church.html - - - ----------------------------------------------------------------------