Title: "All I Can't Say" Author: Angel-Wings Gaskins Rating: PG Cater.: SRA Keywords: SA, MA, Mulder/Other, MSR, Scully POV Spoilers: None, but it takes place just recently Summary: Another woman takes Scully's place in Mulder's life and heart. Archive: Anywhere, just email me! Feedback: PulledAScully@aol.com Disclaimer: Not mine. All thoughts are, nothing else is. Notes: Welst, major Scully Angst I'd say, so be prepared! --All I Can't Say-- There's so much I can't say When I look into your eyes I'm worried you'll reject me And hurt my foolish pride. Each day this love grows stronger But I could never let you know There's so much behind my smile That I could never show I'd hold you for a lifetime If you'd let me in I'd love you like no other But you don't understand Everytime I see you You are holding on to her The pain is like a knife Cutting deep within my soul So I'll dream of us together Of just how it could be And all that you are Will remain a silent part of me. Nina Yocca, Pittsburgh, PA ------------------------------------ She's beautiful, you know. I'm not the envious type, or at least that's what I like to think, but seeing her in your arms, making you smile, just tears at my soul. Just three weeks ago Mulder walked into the office, a little tense, but giddy as anything. His mood was catchy--at first. He had met someone. "She's the best thing that ever happened to me, Scully," he had said. Instantly, I felt she had taken my place. Wasn't it Mulder who had said that in so many words numerous times? I guess it was just implied differently to me. "Hey, Scully. Wanna go for a walk?" I look up from my desk to see him waggling his eyebrows at me. It's all I can do to keep from smiling. "Mulder," I protest. "I have to finish up these medical journals. I have a deadline." At that he simply rolls his eyes. "C'mon, Scully. You were staring off into space. Let's go for a walk," he says, standing up. "But Muld--" "Please, Scully. It'd be good for you," he beckons with those pleading eyes. He's won me already. "Let's take a walk." I sigh and stand, earning a small smile from Mulder. He helps me into my coat, handling the small of my back as we walk into the hall. The ride in the elevator is short, as is the walk out into the cold afternoon air. It's refreshing as it bites through the layers of my skin. I wonder why we're out here, what Mulder's trying to convey to me. We stride quietly and comfortably down the street, watching our breath frost in spurts. The streets aren't really croweded today for DC, but plenty of people still drive by and walk up and down the street. Mulder leads us to a bench and sits, motioning with his eyes to sit next to him. I wait a moment for him to speak, but it doesn't appear as if he will. I shiver involuntarily and Mulder wraps his arm around my shoulder, pulling me closer. He's warm and smells like Mulder: spice and sweat. Moments like these are few and far in between these days, since Anna met Mulder. "What do you think about Anna?" he asks out of the blue. "What do I think about her?" I repeat and he nods. I don't know quite what to say, but I know what I shouldn't say. No matter how envious I get, I could never hurt him. "Well, she seems nice. Sweet. 'Course, I've only met her a few times. You know her much better than I do." He nods again, and it almost looks as if he's sad about something. "Mulder?" I say, cupping his cheek so he'll look at me. "What is it?" His face is blank, but his eyes dig into me, showing me the uncertainty, the pain. "She wants to get married." He says it matter-of-factly, and my heart shatters before. My hand and my gaze drops instantly. "Mulder," I say, my voice shaky. I'm still staring at my hands wrapped together for warmth in my lap. "Do you love her?" I fear the answer, even though I know it already. "Yes," he admits softly, but without passion in his voice. I just nod, not willing to press any further on that particular topic. "Have you asked her yet?" I speak quietly, but so calm it scares even me. My lip is trembling with unshed tears, however, and my ears are just starting to mist over. Mulder quickly wipes away the first of my tears. "No, not yet." "Do you intend to?" There it is, now my voice is quivering. I hear it in Mulder too, when he takes deep breaths. "I don't know, Scully." Well, that's it for me. He's asking me to hold him back or schooch him forward, but I can't do either. This is for him to decide. "I think you should figure that out," I say, standing and wiping my eyes with my mitten clad hands. With that, I walk away, leaving him sitting on the bench alone, leaving him how I feel. ------------------------------------ It's funny how it all works, if you think about it. You slave years over the person you love, becoming close, thinking maybe, just *maybe*, they feel the same way about you, and then they run off and fall in love with another FBI agent specializing in animal autopsies. Well, screw funny, this is just plain hell. Maybe it'll be funny in the bottom of this scotch bottle I'm bringing to my mouth for the fourth of fifth swig. What the hell does he see in her? She's an animal pathologist, for Christ sake! I'll tell ya what he sees in Ms. Anna Highborrow. Tall. Brunette. Beatiful. Charming. Sweet. Everything in Mulder's biggest dreams. I'm just a short, redhead with a mean streak known as the 'Ice-Queen'. Gee, isn't that nice. I wonder if he'll marry her. Will she love him as much as I do? Will she be the mother of his children? It doesn't matter. I couldn't be either, Mulder doesn't want me and I can't even have children. "Go away!" I scream as I finally hear the rapping at the door. The dumb bastard keeps knocking, now screaming 'Scully' in between each rasp. "Leave me the fuck alone, Mulder!" I yell again, and I think I've succeeded. The sounds have stopped. Damnit, now I hear his key in the door. Why can't he take a hint? He opens the door quietly, closing it with a soft 'click' and turns to look at me. He just stands there, his hands laying lifelessly by his sides, staring at me. "Scully," he says so softly I almost don't hear him. "Did you figure it out, Mulder? Did you ask her to marry you?" I keep my gaze at the blank TV screen, bringing the almost ampty bottle to my lips again. "Scully." His breath is hot on my neck and I see him kneeled beside the couch staring at me. "You're drunk." "No shit, Sherlock," I shoot back, finally looking at his face but with a look of annoyance. I throw the bottle on the floor and look at him seriously. "Well, have you made up your mind yet?" He looks away, and I can tell he's been crying. His eyes are red-rimmed and they appear glazed again. "Anna left me, Scully." "Why?" I'm pretty sure there's not much sympathy apparent in my voice, but I hope there is a little. His eyes meet my own. "Because I was in love with someone else." Oh, Mulder. Why didn't you just tell me to begin with? His eyes are pouring over and I pull his head to my chest as he comes to sit beside me on the couch, wrapping his arms around my waist as he cries silently. I suddenly feel very sober. His wracking sobs cease and I kiss his hair where I cryed against him, the damp strands sticking to my lips. "I'm so sorry, Mulder." And I am. I was so cruel about his girl- friend, when it was really never my call. "No, Scully." He lifts his head to look at me. All my emotions have been set loose with the alcohol and I know my eyes are telling him all I can't say. "No, Scully, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have done any of this to you." I shush him and kiss his forehead, leaning back against the couch, carrying him with me. We lay like that for a while, and he eventually nuzzles into my neck, wrapping himself around me as best he can. He sighs in contentment as I run my hands through his hair. "I love you, Scully." His words bring tears to my eyes as I feel his heart beat steadily against me. It feels so right to lie here with him in my arms, crooning soothing words to him and him whispering those thre particular ones. It's hard to believe I've waited this long. All I know now is, there's no more waiting. --------------------------------- That's it. I like this story particularly 'cause I like seeing Mulder all vulnerable and stuff Feedback is appreciated, loved, and replied to!