Current Mood: not good, I feel sick and depressed/nutural
Current
Music:lecture talking
Oh I don't feel too good. I feel as if Amanda hated me so much and it all sucks. What's the deal with that!?
I'm sick of all what seems to be bullshit with Amanda. it just really sucks and I don't know what to do.
uuuh.. I feel as if i'm going to throw up. It must be these new tablets for the drozieness..eahh ahh..
gaahh it all sucks..i'm kinda feeling hungry now. bah..my head is killing me. all i want to do is lie in bed with
Amanda, i want to hug her i want to touch her all over. i want to fuck her like crazy. why dosn't she have a dick!?
what's wrong with me!? why don't i have one. god i'm so confused and i don't understand, what am i ment to do!?
i'm going insane and i want to die soon.
Wednesday, May 4th, 2005
8:14pm - no point
Current Mood: depressed Current
Music: me typing
bah, shit happened lastnight after i got drunk and stuff I think i was going all crazy who knows.. it all sucks anyway the nice thing that happened to me today is that i got my stuff from ebay in the mail so that was really nice. great and now i'm not going to be doing any more driving. i've broken my driving streek of driving everyday for a week and 1 day. damn it i don't even want to do it anymore. i've driven over 100 k/h now so that's my fastest i've driven.
i think that's coolies. well i'm going to write to my pen pals and go to bed. eah stuff sucks. oh Amanda is here but she isn't doing anything for me at the moment it's all good. whatever.
Tuesday, May 3rd, 2005
8:24pm - eahh..
Current Mood:^_^ hyper, and depressed at the same time..ohh Current
Music:....
nya nya nya nya Dam I feel pretty depressed and it all sucks.. it is sucky. I hate it all! damn it!!!! yeah it all sucks and stuff. did work and there is really nothing to say so bah and i'm going to go out and get some alochole.
Monday, May 2nd, 2005
8:00pm - driving, driving, driving
Current Mood: eah Current
Music: nothing
oooh....I almost missed home and away and stuff.. but then Amanda drove us to her place cause her's
was the closest. so that was good. Still didn't find out who the stalker is, I reckon it's Zoe or Zoe and
Sarah. eah yessers, well I drove around lots today. I don't even remember where I went! I did go over
the story bridge and stuffers. Also went places. I went to Aki's place and then Julies and Aki came over
to my place, don't know if they were boared or anything. I didn't know what to do. eah anyway yesers.
the Amanda/Me drove them home. I think i'm going pretty good driving. I would never go driving by my
self or anything. I would always want Amanda there. well I may be going driving with my father soon.
but who knows. it's all good. eah..and nya. I don't know what's happening with me and Amanda though.
stuff sucks.i'm too sleepy so i'm off to bed, probaly won't get a goodnight sleep anyway. gahh..it sucks.
Sunday, May 1st, 2005
9:57pm - yeah Akiko's ober!
Current Mood: I could be better -_- Current
Music: nothing, Amanda's trying to sleep
Nya, me went's a bit's of driving today and I drove to Aki's place and then Amanda drove us back to my house
I can't believe that her mother actualy let her come over. that was coolies. I had an ok time. heh heh. but it's
weird, cause I haven't been around friends for so long I don't know how to act in front of them and I don't know
what to say so it's really weird for me. I didn't do too much, Amanda droped Aki off home and I think I went for
another drive.
Saturday, April 30th, 2005
11:19pm - hhmmmm...coke and popcorn
Current Mood: I could be better -_- Current
Music: nothing, Amanda's trying to sleep
Ahh I slept in today and Amanda and I finished this puzzle and stuff so that was coolies.
it was a 1000 peice. hee I slept soo much. but I was really tied because I drove to get dinner and coles.
Then I drover around New Farm and we ate subway for dinner at the river side. then I drover around
New Farm a little more and I was getting boared with the streets so I decided to just keep driving
and stuff. then yeah I didn't want to go through the city, being a friday night and all so I tried going
around it. and I went through Spring Hill and I didn't turn left enough so I didn't even end up going
around the city at all. it was more like we went north. cause we didn't know where we were and
we ended up at Boondal wetlands. then I decided to go to Mt Cootha. so I drove there. by the
time we left the Mountain, it was almost 2am. and I'd been driving/stopping a little since 7:30 or
8pm. nya man maybe that's why I slept so much.. heee
oh great, Amanda's humping my leg.. hee that's funny. ohhh i'm so sleepy and i don't feel like writing
in this tonight. gahh... I'm going to the markets in the morning..ohh that means that I have to get up so
that sucks. heh heh heh.... nya but I hope that I find something that I like. well malcolm came around today
and I gave him some money for the stuff that I bough of ebay. gah me sleepy. and also I got to like drive
his car. so that was nice and he didn't have power steering so it was harder to turn the wheel wow I love
Amanda's car. it's so awsome I know it's a little small but that's ok. nya me need to huggle Amanda now.
ohh kawaii. so cute sleeping..i'm going to fall asleep before I finish my coke. ok then my eyes are too heavy. ja
Friday, April 29th, 2005
7:12pm - me is ok
Current Mood: alright.. Current
Music: home and away
nya, went to work and then I got yelled at for being really hyper and stuff I hated that. that really sucked.
I mean it wasn't even really my fault. I cried about it and no one saw so i'm glad about that. yeah but was
really good is that I missed the train and I didn't want to go to work earlie, I did want to buy an energy drink
and all. but before I went to work Amanda and I got one each and then we went to her work for like an hour.
it was really awsome. but since she is on light duties and stuff so yeah she was in the office and I got to sign
in and everything and stare at her and it was coolies. she made me smile alot and stuff. then I was really
happy and I was helping her out with her work. it was pretty easy. hee then I drew a pic of us in her notebook
of us nacked, and wrote her a little letter. that was nice.
after that I got the train to work and I was drawing and brushing my hair on the train. got to work,
nothing much happened but since it was Gavin's birthday he wasn't here to teach us so we just did our own
work and making a card or something for him. it's my job to get that sorted out for tuesday. I felt really good
because I got to see Amanda working and all and that's always coolies. hee yeah I didn't do much cause I
was only at work for just over 3 hours cause I had to go to Amanda's psyso for her left knee. damn it! I can't
believe that she busted it again, I feel so bad and feel as if it's my fault or something. I wasn't even there
when it happened and I coulden't help her or do anything I feel pathic.!
after that we went for a drive to toowong shopping center to look around at Kmart. It was alright.
Amanda got what she wanted and I have FINALY found a jacket/jumper thingy that has the right stuff.
cause i wanted one that had a zip down the front and also a hood. there were pink ones and also blue ones.
I got size 18 blue jacket. that was coolies. it's nice and warm nya. so that's all good now. well i'm going to
buy subway for dinner and go drive the car.. heee
Thursday, April 28th, 2005
10:52am - I wanna Sleep :<
Current Mood: sick, bloody headache... Current
Music: nothing, listening to the class lecture -_-
Ohhh AmaNdA I Love You! anyway yes now that is out of my system...anywho yes I had a bad night. fuck I
like passed out or something, that was like lastnight and stuff. god anyway fucken hell shit is happening
with us because I wanna break up with her and it's all fucked up because she loves me and she was (I got
to cont this later..)
I cried so much last night. I kissed Amanda goodnight and tucked her in my bed and told her to go to
sleep she was like "where are you going?" and i'm like "it's ok don't worrie about me, going to the loo"
so I went into my bathroom and i sat down on the tolite and stuff. and I started crying and I cried for
like half an hour and it all sucks
Wednesday, April 27th, 2005
7:04am - I'm Missin Amanda!! ;_;
Current Mood: Neutral Current
Music: Clannad Theme
Oh man, Stuff really sucks at the moment, but it's not too bad. it's just hard to think about anything anymore
and I don't know what to do. I really love Amanda so much but is that really going to be able to get me
through alone? who knows. well it's our 2 month Anniversary today and I’m kinda excited. she has just
left for work and I miss her so much already, guess being with her non-stop for 7 days get's ya hooked, huh!?
But who knows. I think 2 months is a long time, I’m really sick of putting her through all this shit but I don’t know
what else that I can do about it. I am going to this fucked up counselling and stuff fucken psychotherapy and
stuff but I don’t think that is really working. I’m almost about to give up! And there is no way that you are
catching me there alone, hell no. hmm I wonder what the weather is going to be like today. Hmm 26°C.
I hope that I won’t get too hot or cold today. Well today is also my review for my work, I hope that I still have
a job after this. That should be coolies. I hope that it is all worked out for me and everything, I mean I can’t
help it if I have a lot of time off because I’m sick a lot. Eah it’s nya. Anywho I’m going to be get going to work
now’s. eah. Nya. Ohh I miss my Amanda…ohhh AMANDA I LUV YOU! Xxx
Tuesday, April 26th, 2005
6:24pm - I GOT IT! =^_^=
Current Mood: Pretty Good Current
Music: Amanda's watching Star Wars
YEAH I GOT MY LEARNER LICENCE TODAY!!!!! Yes.. ohhh it was so funny. I got it I actually passed the test!
Well, not the first time cause I didn’t study the book. Cause I went there last Thursday and I did it and I got 8
out of 30 wrong. And today I only got 2 out of 30 wrong. It was a different test and it was harder. Gah I think I
even smiled. I’m going to upload the photo to the net from my licence, not with all the info on it of course.
Oh I can’t wait to tell the people at work, I wonder what they are going to say. Eah they would probably won’t
even care I hope they don’t go too over board with it.. >.<;; that would be weird. Yahoo. Anyway this afternoon
I went driving for an hour, heh heh it was so weird cause I can’t believe that I actually got out on the road!
My first go! I guess it’s because that I was always scared because I didn’t have my learners and I didn’t want
anyone to get in trouble. But now I can actually go out there ^_^ my father was saying congratulations and
stuff a few times over the phone. Heh he even said he reckons “yeah I’ll take you out a few times” heh!
Don’t know what’s with that. Oh well hmmmm..yeah it was funny, my original highest speed was 20k/h but
now I’ve done 50k/h! but what I really like is doing 40k/h.40 is a nice speed, oh yes also it was in a manual.
It’s AMANDA’S car!!! So it was like so awesome to be driving it. Hee and then yeah I think she was an ok teacher,
but it was funny cause I almost ran into something twice. But I have good refelectes so I like swerved it.
Heh that was worrying Amanda a bit. I’m so sorry to have made her worry. But yes I did drive into the night.
But it was my first time on the road eah. gonna go have a shower with my Amanda...ohhh she makes me
"ooohhhhhh" damn it. I LOVE her so much, gahh I wanna "mmmffu" her.. "harrr" bah.
Monday, April 25th, 2005
12:55pm - Who Cares anymore!?
Current Mood: Don't Care Current
Music: Nothing, Don't Care
FUCK!!! I've gone and done it again, I've fucken hurt her. why do I keep doing this? is there something wrong with me!? why can't I just die? why does she love me so much! I'm beguining to hate it all, there is no hope for me and I don't know what's going to happen. I hate hurting her and I thought that I wasn't going to hurt her again. I really did hurt her this time and on top of that I scared the shit out of her. poor Amanda.
I really do need to be punished. I just want to die so bad. I don't want her to love me amymore.
Sunday, April 24th, 2005
7:42pm - Not too bad nya..
Current Mood: OK
Current
Music: Some meditation thing that Amanda is playing that her sister gave her
Ohhhh Man you should have seen Amanda tonight, well just before "oohhhhh" she was making these
kawaii faces in the mirror when she was plucking her eye brows. "mmmmm" yeah that made me smile
so much and I felt really good. I love her so much and I just don't want to hurt you anymore. I don't know
why she even loves me anymore. I think that I have hurt her so much. I love it when she kisses me oh god
it feels so good. my heart starts to race and I don't know what I'm thinking anymore. everything feels clear
Oh when she kisses me my heart just stopes and I can't breathe and I feel so good and I love her so much
and then she is looking at me with her loving eyes. I love it when she is driving. I just get to stare at her for
like ever and listen to her sing and ohhh her freckles are just so cute. "I love you I love you I love you
I love you AMANDA I LOVE YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Oh man we are going out clubbing tonight and I don't know
what's going to happen to me. she said that she isn't going to drink but I kinda want her and like yeah I'm
going to drink and I don't wanna do anything too stupid and then I feel as if i'm going to run away and now i'm starting to feel depressed. oh man I just wanna die. I don't even know why right now. Yeah I guess that
I'm just kinda scared what's going to happen tonight, like I want her to hate me but at the same time I don't
gee life is fucked up in that kinda way isn't it!? Amanda's so pretty I can't believe that she has found me
well it was her friend that grabbed me at the bar. I just drew this wonderful anime picture of Amanda nacked
FUCK she is so pretty, I just don't understand why someone like her would love me. *Almost Crying* I really
can't believe how far we have come in our releationship. it's pretty cool.
Saturday, April 23rd, 2005
10:48pm - eah life is great -.-
Current Mood: NYA
Current
Music: Random MP3's
Here is my new journal of the Amandaness of it all. I'm not sure what to talk about first considering the fact
that she is right here in front of me. not sure if she is really reading this anyway cause she is in my bed.
god she looks so sexy and stuff.. *drouls* heh heh hehe.
OHHH GOD I JUST PASHED MY AMANDA AND GOD IT FEELS GOOD. OH HELL YEAH I'M OK!
oh great and now stuff is happening tommorow and we got to go to her sisters or some shit like that,
and I don't particuly don't really want to go or anything. it would be nice to be with Amanda, well DAH!
of couse i'm going to go there with her. I can't not! eah it's all stupid. It's like I don't have a say anymore
I don't know what to say because I love her so much and I want to be selfish and just be with her forever.
is that so selfish!? is it selfish to want her all to myself!? I mean we are in love so yeah! gahh..
Tonight when we were having sex, I like started crying and stuff. she thought she was hurting me but she wasn't, I didn't say anything though cause I just I don't know. maybe I should have said something,
but I was thinking about some other stuff you know. Like I was thinking "do I deserve her? I've taken her away! have I become too obssesed? what am I to do?" also i've been thinking like "what if she leaves
me!?? what am I going to do? i'm so very very scared of loosing her and she has said that's she is afraide of loosing me too."
Oh FUCK! great i've just stabbed her in her left brest with my bloody shoulder while sucking on her right nipple. oh and now i've started to shake again. i'm not sure why. but before tonight I was shaking and
I was hot and everything and I was shaking. I wasn't cold at all. I don't know what to do and I feel as if i'm
going to start crying again. it's been so hard for me to cry this year. I can't believe that we have been together for almost 2 months now. I't s awsome but i'm ever so scard. I love Amanda so much.
I know why i've been upset tonight, it's because that i've been feeling depressed and stuff and I want so
much to cut myself but every time I go to do it Amanda walks in and stuff so I don't do it. she does know
that I do it but yeah stuff is just really fucked up. and I haven't chcked a spack this weekend yet. I kinda did
the other night, whenever that was. but who fucken cares anyway. I don't even if I really feel loved by her.
gahh to it all I say. damn it I really want to hurt myself and it really sucks because I don't know what I should
do. i've been doing a pretty good job at distracting myself today.
1) sleeping
2) doing an anime puzzle
3) watching anime
I would really like to start reading some more. that would be nice. it's so hard to fucken concertrate on anything wheather i'm with Amanda or not because it's like when she's here, all i'm mostly thinking
about her and looking at her and stuff. And then when she is gone I just roll around on my bed sobbing
and thinking about her and after a while I try to do stuff but I can never seem to get it done cause i'm
thinking too much about her. and now she's gone and fucked up her knee again, hasn't she!?
so now i'm soo worried about her. god I hated it when she went to soccer. it wasn't the soccer as much
it wasone cause i'm
thinking too much about her. and now she's gone and fucked up her knee again, hasn't she!?
so now i'm soo worried about her. god I hated it when she went to soccer. it wasn't the soccer as much
it was more like "god I don't know what to do I miss her so much, she's taking too long to get home, what
am I ment to do!?" And so then i'm like going crazy and stuff. gee that really sucked. bah
Lain's Amanda Journal
1:20pm - - It's Marks Birthday today.
10:52am - I wanna Sleep :<
