Micki - "Dude, aliens coming to earth is like us going to Dwight's to watch the drunks"
Dirty Ol' Dave - *talking to the phonebook* "Stop giving me the runaround!!"
Leslie - "2 + 2 = MASTURBATION!"
Dirty Ol' Dave - "And along came herman the worm..."
Candace - *talking to Dave* "If I gotta be a dinosaur, then you gotta be a homosexual"
Dirty Ol' Dave - *talking about Candaces bazooms* "You could breastfeed an entire continent!"
Leslie - "You're mean to me when you're drunk"
Aimee - "No, i'm not..it's foreplay..Dave taught me"
Leslie - *commenting on Jason's shit-eating wonderdog* "I wouldn't eat shit even if I were a dung beetle"
Tony (The Intoxicated Bum) - "Do you know what God I am?"
Adam - "Trashion?!"
Tony (The Intoxicated Bum) - "Yes! I am Trashion!"
Leslie - "Oh my God...are you crying Riffle?"
Riffle - "Yeah..."
Leslie - "Wow. My boyfriend is crying over a MIDGET on AMERICAN IDOL"
Jon - "You've lost your damn mind"
Casey - "Hey there Oliver, how 'bout another beer?"
Riffle - "Nah, I've got one thanks"
Casey - "Drink that'n down 'cause I'm a get you another one"
Riffle - "Manuwanya, manuwanya, manuwayna"
Jon - "Are we in Ohio?"
Candace - "No, Jon, it's technical name is 5th Avenue"
Riffle - "So there's this virgin at my table..."
Leslie - "Easy there Barfy Charlie"
Riffle - *talking about Candace* "I've got a box of condoms, plenty of sweet ass and freewill"
Riffle - *waking up naked after Valentine's Day* "Why am I naked?...Was I raped?...I feel dirty"
Jon - "I would rather take a bullet than get tested for STD's"
Leslie - *in Marco's shooting pool* "Riffle's ass"
Grizzle - *in Jeopardy format* "What are things I put my thumb in?"
Grizzle - "Oh, we're not doing the double-team?..My bad"
Riffle - "I told you she'd go for it!"
Grizzle - *in Marco's shooting pool trying to get Riffle to play a stupid dancing game* "Here's some money and some Tylenol Sinus"
Riffle - "You're not dating Tony Danza"
Micki - *talking about the bitch at Papa John's "I smack hoes with 40's"
Riffle - "She's goin' down! Woman and children first!"
Micki - "And I don't trust him with my swiffer and my broom"
Leslie - "LOL"
Leslie - "You don't trust your boyfriend with your broom?"
Micki - "No, he may break it"
Leslie - "That is amazingly funny"
Riffle - "You just love my Rifflestyle"
Riffle - "He's dropping off a whore"
Leslie - "That's no whore, that's Walter Matthau!"
Leslie - "I have to be in the mood to eat Doritos"
Riffle - "Yea, I have to be in the mood too, it's called awake"
Stupid girl in Taco Bell - *singing* "This is the song that doesn't end, yes it goes on and on..."
Leslie - "Not if I kill you it won't"
Stephanie - *talking about a guy who already has 2 kids* "Yeah, it's and instant family, just add water and stir"
Riffle - *as we were watching Jaws* "Man, I'd love to have sex with Jaws' blowhole..wait do sharks have blowholes?"
Elizabeth - "Oh man, I went to church last Sunday and to counter balance it out..I went to Cheers that night...in my church clothes and got trashed"
Jon - *talking to Leslie* "Hey, when my nuts get better, you wanna run this summer?"
Leslie - *talking about the hookers behind Kim's house* "That's not a job, that's a hobby!"
Trent -*laying in the bathroom floor, after puking at New Year's* "Gimme another drink!"
Leslie - *while standing behind Kat after she farted* "Ahh that's gross dude, my mouth was open and everything!"
Adam - "Aww Leslie, you've taken my virginity so many times..it doesn't even hurt anymore"
Trent - *in Taco Bell counting change to pay for his $2.95 order, hands the man 8 Quarters* "Yah! I have $.75 left over for laundry"
Taco Bell Man - "You owe me $.95"
Trent - "Damn, sorry buddy i'm in Math 096"
Erick - *talking to drunk Trent trying to open cheese* "It's fucking cheese, not brain surgery"
Jon - *intoxicated* "Do you think i'm overweight?"
Kat - "Well when you can set your drink on your stomach..."
Adam - *telling me a drunk story* "When my Mom was bitching at me for coming home drunk, I told her 'Whatever! You just leave me and my dog alone..we're trying to sleep here'"
Leslie - "Hey Adam, will you take some Viagra so we can see what happens?"
Adam - "Well what do I get if I do it?"
Leslie - "A woody"
Candace - "I'd rather have you than anything"
Robbie - "Even cookies?" *Honorary quote from loser Rob Story*
Leslie - "He's not gay, he's just big boned"
Erick - "I'm letting my food digest"
Kim - "Well I don't have anything else to do, so i'll just sit here and look at myself"
Lelia - "Go to bed"
Leslie - "I can't! I found Mexican apparel!"
Erick - "I'm looking for your smartass button so I can take you off turbo"
Kim - "My thongs are dusty!"
Skippy - "What's the shortest distance between two points"
Leslie - "Your penis"
Kyle - "Lets play truth or dare"
Leslie - "I dare you to get the fuck off of my bed"
Aaron - "I'll use that condom on a girl before Kyle will"
Trent - "My mom had a vasectomy"
Adam - "I've slept with plenty of guys on band trips"
Kim - "Fish can't swim on their sides because they wouldn't be able to breathe"
Cherie - *talking to Skippy* "You don't look like you have a lot of common sense"
Skippy - "Well you don't look like you ever eat a meal that doesn't have bacon in it" and she wept
Shane - "Just go away Darrell"
Darrell - "I just beat it"
Skippy - "Is anyone here Jewish?"
Leslie - "Jon is so, what's that word i'm looking for?"
Adam - "Homosexual"
Tiffany - "I'll call you when I wanna make out or use you for sexual purposes"
Adam - "Where's Trent, I want a piece of ass"
Tish - "Did someone spill beer in your car, or is that an air freshner?"
Stephanie - *drunk and confused* "I'm man enough for two women"
Stephanie - *talking about our mom* "I'd rather have food than mind altering substances"
Johnny - *A mexican to a white guy* "Wassup nigga"
Lelia - "I had to stop and yawn"
Stephanie - *drunk at the Omlette Shoppe* "Damn, my pancakes taste funny"
Leslie - "That's because you put ketchup on them"
Hector - "You comma here for me 5 minutes, ok?"
Martin - "Estop"
Derrick - "I'm not a tease, i'm just a constant reminder of what your not getting"
Tish - "I don't need an alarm clock, my shit pains tell me when I need to get up"
Tish - "What does pager-off mean?"
Lelia - "Way the heck over there"
Gary - "Someone in my family has alzheimers but I can't remember who it was"
Leslie - "Dude, I just swallowed something that I already swallowed"
Leslie - "Damn, I almost hit that black kid!! That would have been a hate crime!"
Leslie - "Joe is such a saint, he would pick his nose and eat it and admit it to everyone"
Kelly - "Well damnit Joe, if you would dance with me I wouldn't have to dance with this stick!"
Tiffany - *Tiffany drunk on Nyquil* "Leslie, if i didn't love you I wouldn't want you in my bed"
Leslie - "Thank you Miss Mary Loser from Little House on the Prairie"
Candace - "Leslie, ya know when you ask teachers a question, you probably shouldn't use profanity"
Tiffany - "Shit, I want some cheese"
Leslie - "Get off me bug, this ain't no buffet line"
Tommy - "Stifle Edith!"
Leslie - "Ix nay on the big black woman ay"
Bays - "Man Candace, you have a lot of make-up"
Candace - "That's because I'm ugly"
Leslie - "Tiffany, come bless me with your Japanese hand"
GW - "He lies, I know not the words!"
Leslie - "As in...well I really don't know"
Candace - "Let him run over me, I'll kick that crip!"
Tiffany - "Remember this day, October 29th, 2001, this day of infamy"
Candace - "Well if you can't find me, look in the cookies"
Leslie - "If he ain't for sale on ebay, then he'll never be mine"
Tiffany - "I'm living with a bunch of crazies"
Leslie - "I didn't exercise all day to eat a goddamn head of lettuce!!"
Meghan - "Shit, the door is ringing and the phone is knocking!"
Tiffany - "Look at that squirrel runnin' around like he owns the place"
Candace - *after Leslie ate pizza on her bed* "There's a stain on my bedspread known as marinara"
Leslie - "I swear to GOD E.T, if you don't stop snoring i'm going to hit you over the head with my guitar!!"
Candace - "What kind of dog was it?"
Wayne - "A dead one"
Kelly - *To Lindsie having not seen her in months* "Lindsie, you're black!!"
Tiffany - "That's a good one, it pertains to us...cause we examine him like a f-ing biology project"
Leslie - "I don't know man, she may have to sedate me when he comes"
Leslie - *whispers in the dark to herself, scared shitless* "Lindsie, Lindsie wake up, there's someone at the door"
Jenny - "Laddy freakin' da"
Lindsie - "Leslie help me i'm stuck!"
Leslie - "Dude, put a towel under the door"
Kim - "She's with those damn Campus Crazies again"
Gary - "Yeah, but i'm a sexy bitch so it doesn't matter"
Lindsie and Leslie - "The tribe has spoken"
Leslie - "Turn the fucking light off!!"
Kim - "I'm so beautiful!, how could he not want me?!"
Lindsie - *singing "The Space Between" by Dave Matthews* "The space between..my butt"
Bridgette - "How about the 6 days we're gonna be lost!"
Lindsie - "Dude, we've been sitting in front of the fridge for 30 minutes, I hope no one walks by and sees us."
Bridgette - "What good is a parking meter without a head?"
Jenny - *making fun of someone we know hehe* "I'm so pretty look at me, pretty pretty Panda"
Lindsie - *speaking to the policewoman with very, VERY slurred speech* "My roommate locked me out"
Leslie - "God that mayonnaise hurts! Come here, feel the wrath of the mayonnaise!!"
Gary - "That falls under the category of not my problem"
Leslie - *making fun of Jenny* "I took voice lessons"
Lindsie - *running down the hall holding her ass* "I can't hold it anymore!!"
Bridgette - "We're going to be arrested, SHIT!!"
Leslie - "Is there some sign on the door that says free chicken?"
Lindsie - "Huh? Sorry dude I didn't hear you, I was paying attention to my sandwich."
Leslie - "There's a small ray of light coming through the shade, get the tape"
Kelly - "Chug it, just don't drink it too fast"
Bays - "It seemed like a good idea at the time"
Leslie - "It must be the humidity bringing them in"
Lindsie - "I'm wearing the moo-moo and i'm not even drunk!"
Leslie - "Hey Weezer, remember me?"
Bays - "I just can't shit!!!"
Lindsie - "Ix nay on the aco tay"
Leslie - " Look! It's Jenny, with a BOY!!"
Bridgette - "Feel me i'm wet!!"
Leslie -"Hey Jenny look, you have interracial ice cream"
Lindsie - *walking into a group of black people in the cafeteria singing* "Me and my niggaz get high" by Nelly