In Which Donald Trump Discovers who has been Eating all the Bundt Cake
If the reader was to walk past 201 Money Lane, he or she would see a bronze life-sized statue of Donald Trump (unless, of course, the reader was blind, in which case they wouldn’t see anything) At the same moment a blind reader named Alex Smelts was flattened by a falling anvil, and also at the same moment as Bill Clinton was dropping the anvil, one of Donald Trump’s servants was watching a news segment about how Bill Clinton was arrested for dropping anvils on blind children. Also at that moment, Donald Trump walked into the room. “Why aren’t you giving me money like I told you to? YOURE FIRED!”
The servant collapsed in a heap of sobs. Strangely, the next day, the servant was found drowned in an empty goldfish bowl and the goldfish was found dead in a bundt cake pan. Donald Trump, of course, only cared about who ate the bundt cake. However, he was so concentrated on this problem, that he ordered that the goldfish be buried in a famous cemetery, and the servant to be flushed down the toilet. One sunny afternoon (Editor’s note: It was actually raining that day, but that fact was changed to make the story seem happier.) Donald Trump was pondering this when a voice said, “Look up the price of bundt cake!” Muggem walked into the room, and took off his hat. “Why, that’s a nice hat,” said Donald, “I’ll pay you five thousand dollars for it!” “Look up the price of bundt cake,” Repeated Muggem. So Donald wired together a supercomputer, and it began calculating the price of bundt cake. An hour later, Muggem had almost calculated it.
Suddenly, sixteen babies sprouted out of the ground, and the price of bundt cake immediately went up. “Blast!” Shouted Donald, and kicked one of the babies across the room, where it landed in a vat of boiling oil. The other babies disappeared into the ground and were never seen again. Finally, Muggem reconfigured the price. “$18.63!” He shouted. “Well,” Said Donald, “Who stole it?” “Robert E. Lee!” Exclaimed Muggem. “But I was hungry!” Said The Ghost of Robert E. Lee, who had been hiding behind a tree for the past hour.
Donald Trump had a sudden burst of ‘What-if-I-die-tomorrow-theres-so-much-i-havent-done-yet-ness” and decided to destroy his bronze statue and build a gold one. So everyone walked down to Money Lane. But they got lost and ended up on Memory Lane. Blair Russell, who lived on Memory Lane, remembered playing ‘The Road to Chancellorsville’ in Band Class. The Ghost of Robert E. Lee remembered marching on the road to Chancellorsville. Muggem remembered his childhood in Yanagawa, and Donald Trump remembered his upbringing in the Czech Republic. “What are you remembering?” Muggem asked him. “I’m Czech, mate,” He replied. Blair howled with laughter, and everyone looked at him strangely. “YOU’RE FIRED!” Donald told him. “But I don’t work for you,” Answered Blair. “Fine,” Said Donald, “You’re hired.” Blair pulled his trombone out of his pocket and played a celebratory solo. “You know,” Said Donald, “That was pretty cool with your pocket. Instead of firing you, I’m going to tie you to the railroad tracks and leave you there!” “But nobody rides the train anymore,” Said Blair. So Donald Trump just fired him.
Sidenote: The remaining fifteen babies grew up to become famous politicians, movie stars, and other famous people. Excluding one, who became a disgrace to his parents by becoming a schoolboy. His name was Daniel Razavi.