Mainframe’s Secret
Once there was a day that the Alliance was running from the Beast.
They weren’t happy but they had to, and this is what happened.
“A new planet!” Jade cried. “And it’s right
in the path of the Beast Planet II!”
“We must warn the occupants of this planet!” Tekla shouted,
“Voxx? Are there any beings on this planet?”
“Yeah baby!” Voxx replied, “More than you can shag
with a stick!”
“Voxx?”
“Yes, you shagadelic chick?”
“NO MORE AUSTIN POWERS!”
“Party pooper…”
“Right!” Tekla said, getting up and rubbing her hands
together, “We shall do it tomorrow!”
“What shall we do tomorrow?” Zera asked
“The same thing we do everyday Zera, try to take over the world!”
And as Tekla dissolved into wicked cackling Pyrus shook his head and
decided to tell Graveheart the news.
“Graveheart…” Pyrus said
“Yes, my son?”
“We’re going to be at a planet in the path of Beast Planet
II, The Avenger, tomorrow.”
“What’s it called?”
“Earth.”
* * *
There once was a little girl. She had a weird name that I can’t
remember, so I’m going to call her Little Girl. Anyway, one
day Little Girl was on her farm and she looked up into the sky. “Mummy!”
She screamed, “There’s a bunch of planets moving towards
us!”
“Oh no, not this again…” The mother groaned, “Darling,”
She said, dropping her voice to a “Little Girl” tone,
“remember when you said that giant grasshoppers where going
to invade our house?”
“And they did!”
“Oh yeah…CALL THE POLICE! WE’RE BEING INVADED BY
ALIENS!”
And then everyone came from all over the world to Washington DC or,
if they couldn’t make it there, to Tokyo, cause that’s
where ALL the aliens appeared. And they were all ready with their
welcome signs, and their nuclear weapons. A typical earthling greeting.
* * *
“Tekla, when will we land?”
“Well, if we land on the earth formation, that looks like a
boot, we will get there quickest…however, all the earth inhabitants
appear to have commuted to two places…”
“Who cares, land on the boot!”
And so the alliance members landed in Italy, where there was no one
to greet them, and so they were very lonely. Finally, they decided
to move to the big white building in America.
* * *
“Greetings fellow sentient creatures!” Cryos said, in
an attempt to be friendly. “How are we all today?” He
paused, to a chorus of weak ‘fine’s’. “Well
that’s nice. You’re all about to die. Unless you have
world engines. Do you?”
“No…”
“I have a car engine, does that count?”
“I HATE BUGS!”
“You made of rock? Does that mean you’re…rock hard?
Heehehe OW! Meanie.”
“Well.” Cryos said, slightly disappointed at the intelligence
level of these creatures. “Um…you’re in trouble.”
“Why are we about to die?” The first sane comment came
from Little Girl, who had somehow managed to get to Washington from
the farm, although she has left the water running in the bath.
“Cause some creatures from outer space are going to come and
eat your planet. And then you will all die.”
“Oh…poo.”
“But don’t worry!” Cryos reassured her, “We’re
going to find a place for you all to stay! We’ll be back soon,
we just have to find you a new home!” And with that, he turned
and walked back onto the ship, making sure that the “Humans”
were feeling happy.
* * *
“Hey Bill,” said Bob to Bill.
“Yeah Bob?” said Bill to Bob.
“Alien’s are going to kill us, right?”
“That’s what the giant bug said.”
“So…why don’t we just kill them?”
“OK dokey.”
And so all the people in the world blew up every alien they could
find, first they blew up the Beast, then the Lock Ness monster, then
all the funny green men, and waited for the Alliance to come back,
so that they could tell them how they had blown up all the badies.
“Hello humans!” Cryos said, once he had returned, “How
are you?”
“We killed all the aliens!” Little Girl exclaimed.
“That’s nice…we’ll…I guess we’ll
be going now then…”
And then Cryos turned and left.
* * *
“Hey Bob” Bill said to Bob.
“Yeah Bill?” Bob said to Bill.
“We were meant to kill all the aliens right?”
“That’s what the giant bug said?”
“Let’s kill those aliens too!”
“OK dokey.”
So they did.
THE END