THE THEM The Them is a proclaimed intense, punk-metal band that seeks the edge of horror, violence and inner turmoil. The play punk music composed of memorable melodies and heavy grooves. Their influences include The Misfits, Slayer, and New York Hardcore. The Them is a group of questionable mortals, names like: Joseph Christ on vocals (one of the best lyricists in the Seattle punk scene), Sethalicious on bass (he doesn’t wear much clothing and I hear he has a big cock), Jimmy Hall on guitars, and The Barry on drums. Their live shows kick ass. I asked The Them some questions: How did you cunts become a band? It was actually the 13th step of our failed rehabs. Unfortunately we forgot steps 2 through 12 and just went straight for the jugular. We might go back and finish off the other steps when we get done with this one but we have yet to decide. We’re no quitters. So, needless to say, Joseph met Seth while they were boozing it up, who met Barry when he was just finished boozing it up and they all met Jimmy just as he was starting to booze it up. Somewhere in there we make music and get laid. (Though it’s probably more the former than the latter because of our ugly mugs.) Do you eat raw meat? Do you mean as a band collectively…all at the same time? We’re all pretty much omnivores except for Seth who’s a vegetarian until it becomes a hassle. Then he comes over to the dark side with us. We respect that sort of follow-through and loyalty in our band. Are you still beating Bettie Page? We never really beat on her. We hired Ike Turner to do that for us because nothing turns us on more than a black man beatin’ on a white woman. That song had sort of become our “something we didn’t expect.” We essentially wrote it because we thought it would piss off all the Rockabilly people. Then all the rockabilly people ended up liking it and we kept getting booked at rockabilly shows where they had no fucking clue what to do with us. So we would just get drunk, obnoxious and bloody drunk…I would get on the mic and say “cunt” a lot. You know…that old chestnut. Tell me about your favorite groupie? That would be “superfan” from Valejo, California. He heard us through a cell phone and then went to a club and got into a fistfight with every other band because they weren’t us. I’m sure all the booze helped. We don’t get any female groupies…our jeans aren’t tight enough and none of us wear mascara. What do you have coming up in the future? We’ve been trying to finish our full length for about forever now. We have an EP that’s out now called “THEY RISE” and a promotional cd called “PROMOTUTION.” We just finished up some last drum parts and are ready to mix the full length which should be out sometime between now and the second coming of Adolf Christ. If everything goes right, which it won’t, we’ll be playing shows (June 15th at Funhouse with 20,000 Volts and October 29th at Galway Arms with Lack of Respect), tours down to California and a two week tour down to LA and Las Vegas are in the planning stages for the summer. Why is a mouse when it runs? Big Dicks. THE END. HEARSEBURNER Hearseburner is a self-described, space-age demolition derby of rock, punk and new wave. Their recent re-birth was painfully delicious (you should have seen the placenta) and they are on a scary growth spurt, impressing many humans. Their live shows are a blast, and if you are not careful, you may be hit by an important math equation. Hearseburner is Mike Fears on vocals and guitar (exposed brain), T-ROD on drums, (transport, Mexican), Jimmy HooTheHell on bass (stage confusionist) and Michelle de Trick ..board and backup vocals (transformer librarian). Their influences include groups like NoMeansNo, Jesus Lizard, Devo, Mr. Bungle, Joy Division, Misfits and you can often catch them reading up on conspiracy theories in their spare time. They are all about alien abductions, zombies and general destruction and mayhem. Their newer album Aliens are Real! is a must have for local and far-away music enthusiasts and it’s chock-full of entertainment. I asked Hearseburner some questions: Tell me about your death and rebirth? Our death was a hazy mixture of foreign powders and alien firearms. We have found rebirth to be obsolete. What is your favorite organ? The Hammond Oblangata. What do you have coming up in the future? We will be recording after the completion of your human holidays. We are also booking our spring-time tour explosion. You get this gem too: Why is a mouse when it runs? Because it was stapled to the power-bottom. TRANSMISSION COMPLETE.