Feelings / Changes

But first, a brief interlude......

"Theme For An Imaginary Western"

When the wagons leave the city
For the forest and further on
Painted wagons of the morning
Dusty roads where they have gone
Sometimes traveling to the darkness
Met the summer coming home
Falling faces by the wayside
Looked as if they might have known

Oh, the sun was in their eyes
And the desert that dries
In the country town
Where the laughter sounds

All the dancing and the singing
All the music when they played
All the fires that they started
And all the girls with no regrets

Sometimes they found it, sometimes they kept it
Often lost it along the way
Fought each other to posses it
Sometimes died in sight of day.


Ok. You might well be asking why I've decided to start this section with the lyrics from Mountain's "Theme For An Imaginary Western" from their " Mountain Climbing!" album? Ummmm.... Well, aside from the fact that it has some seriously tasty guitar work from one of my idols, Leslie West, the song always coveyed a sense of optomistic desolation for me. A paradox, eh? But the specific lyric that rings hauntingly true for me is " ....often lost it along the way...." And there's that isolation thing. Somewhere I lost it. Innocence. Purity. Karma. Whatever.....


One of the really frightening things I've noticed since being diagnosed is how you perceive everyday realities. Even the simplest things....

I got a cut at work the other day. As the blood welled up I felt I had to separate myself from everyone. When I searched for bandaid box I noticed there was also a box with the "bio-hazard" symbol. Damn. Which box should I open? (And shouldn't it just be labeled "Al's Box?) Have I become a "bio-hazard?" Amusingly enough, a month before I was informed of my HCV status, my employer had shown a video to all employees about the danger of bloodborn pathogens and how to deal with them.

And then there's relationships. Work or personal, it's all the same. If you tell anybody you're afraid that they may respond differently to you. But if you do tell you become acutely aware of how they respond to anything. Are they responding to the news or fear of you? Or are they responding normally and you're just perceiving a change because you're hyper-aware?

You want & need support but you're afraid to open up for fear of becoming a pariah. Hobson's Choice, huh?

So you tend to feel somewhat isolated. You can explain the fears and frustrations but who really understands? Aside from others in the same situation (be it C or some other wasting, debilitating or life threatening disease) who really can empathize?

So. Life is full of surprises and changes. And this is just another one. And so it goes.....



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