The New Priest
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>A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could
>hardly speak.
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>After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.  The
>monsignor  replied,
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>"When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit,
>I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass.  If I start
>to get nervous, I take a sip."
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>So the next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice.  At the
>beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.  He proceeded
>to talk up a storm.
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>Upon return to his office after mass, he found the following note
>on his door:
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>1.  Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
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>2.  There are 10 commandments, not 12.
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>3.  There are 12 disciples, not 10.
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>4.  Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
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>5.  Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
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>6.  We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
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>7.  The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as
>      Daddy, Junior, and Spook.
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>8.  David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
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>9.  When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his
>     donkey,  don't say he was stoned off his ass.
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>10.  We do not refer to the cross as the Big T!
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>11.  When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said,
>     "Take this and eat it, for it is my body", he did not, "Eat me."
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>12.  The Virgin Mary is not referred to as the, "Mary with the
>       Cherry".
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>13.  The recommended grace before a meal is not: "Rub-A-dub-
>      dub, thanks for the grub, yeah God."
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>14.  Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St.
>      Peter's, not a peter-pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
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