| RECENT ANSWERS of CARDINAL MUCKROSS FINCH |
| Emma262 writes: Hi. Whats your website all about? I was trying to access something and I found your site and you can't be 1581 years old. Emma. |
| HIS EMINENCE, CARDINAL MUCKROSS FINCH, RESPONDS: You are the reason that there are wars and pestilence, Emma. My website is about knowledge and truth. In your vain attemps to access the "something" you so desired, you have fallen prey to the hasty conclusion that I am 1581 years old. Nothing can in fact be further from the truth. I was born in 1581 and am therefore 422 years old at the time of this writing. That is much longer than you or your mommy or daddy will live. I hope you die horribly, with pain. In fact, I sentence you to death, followed by a plague of darkness and locusts. |
| Jackson from Pennsylvania writes: Hi Cardinal. Can you explain the various church hierarchies to me, please? Also, congratulations on being nominated for the papal seat seven times. Good luck next time! |
| HIS EMINENCE, CARDINAL MUCKROSS FINCH, RESPONDS: Your paucity of brains could knock a vulture off of a crap-wagon. Go look it up in an encyclopedia, under, "I like to kiss the asses of those in powerful positions and therefore have a bright future in corporate America." You'll find everything you need under that, in fact, you'll even find yourself under that. Bloody bum-sniffer. |
| MugSniffer from NY writes: Where do you buy your duds? |
| HIS EMINENCE, CARDINAL MUCKROSS FINCH, RESPONDS: An excellent question, MugSniffer. There's a little-known shop in Vatican City called "PapalWear" (spelled just like that, one word) where any aspiring clergyman (or woman, ha!) can shop for various robes, staffs, and reliquaries. I prefer the retro look of my own 16th century, but someone with a name like yours might opt for the S&M section, located in the basement. |
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| J. Vernon writes: what's your name, bitch? |
| HIS EMINENCE, CARDINAL MUCKROSS FINCH, RESPONDS: I am Cardinal Muckross Finch. If by bitch you mean "Cardinal Muckross Finch," then you've already answered your own question. |
| Bronson Pinchot writes: How comes why my fingers smell funny when my fingernails are longer? Even so when after I do shower and they still smell wicked and foul and how's comes why? |
| HIS EMINENCE, CARDINAL MUCKROSS FINCH, RESPONDS: Back in the late 1870's, I had the same problem, Ms. Pinchot. You have what's known as, "Crotch Rot." It happens when your crotch grows extra long and smells funnier when it does so. Even if you shower, it still maintains a funny aroma. My suggestion to you is to visit your local (non-cholera-infested) water pump and pump away until the smell is gone. |
| Mia S. writes: What do you got underneath all them robes? |
| HIS EMINENCE, CARDINAL MUCKROSS FINCH, RESPONDS: The plentiful skeletons of little boys. |
| J. White writes: Greetings, Cardinal: Why the hell didn't Custer wait for reinforcements? |
| HIS EMINENCE, CARDINAL MUCKROSS FINCH, RESPONDS: An excellent question, J. White. I myself remember hearing of Custer's last stand a few weeks after it actually took place. It's a little known historial fact that Custer was a megalomanical jackass. Also, he had an awfully bad case of crotch rot, and was therefore itching to attack our friends the Lakota Sioux and Northern Cheyenne Indians. |
| Christina J. writes: How is a raven like a writing desk? Also, it is interesting that you have El Greco's famous portrait of the man believed to be Cardinal Don Fernando Nino de Guevara (1541-1609), Grand Inquisitor and, from 1601, Archbishop of Seville on your website. Was he smarter than you? I bet he was. |
| HIS EMINENCE, CARDINAL MUCKROSS FINCH, RESPONDS: My, what a sassy lass you are, Christina. You're named after the Christ, but you had to improve his sacred name by adding an "ina" suffix, did you not? How is a raven like a writing desk? According to Mr. Carroll himself (who I had the pleasure of meeting briefly in 1894), "It is nevAr put with the wrong end in front." NevAr backwards is Raven. That's the answer according to him, and I won't doubt the author's word. The front page's picture is a color photograph of none other than myself. I was on holiday in Romania and paused for a photographic portrait. The picture may as well be "believed" to be your mom, but it isn't. It's me. Cardinal Fernando Nino de Guevara was a contemporary of mine, but I never met him and he certainly didn't look like that. I am much handsomer than he ever was, and I'm much smarter than he was, because he's dead now and dead people don't think. Don't you know that? Stupid bitch. |
| Naysayer writes: I see your picture on the website and was wondering, do you style your own beard? You've got the whole pimp image down with the flowing robe and stylish hat. You can pass the broads this way when you're done. |
| HIS EMINENCE, CARDINAL MUCKROSS FINCH, RESPONDS: Well asked, Naysayer. I used to style my own beard, but now I'm loaded enough to have mad broads come in and style it for me. You can most certainly borrow them to style your own beard when I am finished with them. |
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| Jeremy S. writes: If God is everywhere, is he in the toilet? |
| HIS EMINENCE, CARDINAL MUCKROSS FINCH, RESPONDS: Yes. But not in your toilet in particular. |
| J. White writes: Top o' the mornin' to ya, Cardinal. Is there anything to the constant ravings of the conspiracy theorists who claim that the astronauts never came close to landing on the moon but set down on Area 51 instead? There seems to be an abundance of "evidence." Is it legit, or is it bunk? |
| HIS EMINENCE, CARDINAL MUCKROSS FINCH, RESPONDS: We did land on the moon, but you don't have to take my word for it: |
| SP Monitor writes: I was recently diagnosed with terminal cancer. My life expectancy is expected to be anywhere between 3-6 months before my insides twist into a knot and I starve to death in extreme pain. The doctors have sent me home with a lethal dose of morphine in a syringe to use when the pain gets so bad that I can no longer function. Being only 17 years old, there are so many things I haven't had the chance to do, and with my time so limited I'm trying to have all the fun I can before it's to late. I met this hot hooker who works on the corner around from my house and told her the situation I'm in bu she won't give it up for free. I met this drug dealer on the same corner a few minutes later and he said he makes a ton selling crack to the prostitutes on the street. So, my question is if I should sell my morphine shot to the drug dealer at a discount and get the hooker to ride me like a bull? Also, do you think it's a sin to masturbate to the pictures in the high colonics catalog? |
| HIS EMINENCE, CARDINAL MUCKROSS FINCH, RESPONDS: You can keep your morphine shot. There's an all-powerful benevolent organization that has a history of helping people in such a predicament as your own. You can use this to your advantage. Contact the |
| and tell them that your wish is |
| to ride the local prostitute. Having dealt with them in matters such as this, I cannot imagine them refusing such a noble request. Regarding your second query, no. Unless wombats are somehow involved. |
| Hairsphincter writes: Being a good Catholic boy, I am overly hirsute. My question is, your Eminence, should I reduce my manly body hair with wax? Is it time for the back, sack, and crack wax? |
| HIS EMINENCE, CARDINAL MUCKROSS FINCH, RESPONDS: Hirsute... is somebody practicing for the SATs? Do not ever back nor sack nor crack wax. It is commonly held that females of all types prefer clutching a hairy mass of filth rather than a naked mole rat of a man. If you fall into the former catagory, then no further action is required on your part. |
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| J. White writes: Following up to my query of last week: if we could put man on the moon 30 years ago, why is it that we STILL can't put metal in the microwave today? |
| HIS EMINENCE, CARDINAL MUCKROSS FINCH, RESPONDS: Ah, but first, we must place man in the microwave. Then, all else will follow. |
| P. Parfitt writes: Hypothetical situation: Let's say I lost one of my testicles. Then later on, I was kicked in the crotch. If one of my friends asked me which of my nads hurt more, what should I say? Also, is it wrong to masturbate to deodorant commercials? |
| HIS EMINENCE, CARDINAL MUCKROSS FINCH, RESPONDS: Now let's see, would the testicle you lost still be attached to your crotch? If not, then I would say that the testicle still attached would hurt more. Dipshit. Regarding your second question, it depends on the deodorant. Secret is strong enough for a man, but ph-balanced just for women... so it's an even call. In the case of Old Spice, I'd say no. For scented Sure products, absolutely. Dipshit. |
| S. Bergeron writes: I don't get your website. What are you trying to do? |
| HIS EMINENCE, CARDINAL MUCKROSS FINCH, RESPONDS: My website answers questions, fuck-head. I'll tell you what I'm trying to do. I'm trying to do your mom and any sisters you have, or any sisters your mom has. I've been a Cardinal for hundreds of years, and in this age of halter tops and tiny bathing suits, it's becoming harder and harder to continue to honor my vow of chastity. I'd ask you to join me, but you're already probably too busy engaging in risky business with lowland apes. |