17 November 2004

Stupid Congress Tricks

Okay, I admit it: I'm really not that much different than most other members of our humble species. One of the first things I do when I get up in the morning is to skim through the news.

In fact one could easily make the case that I probably read too much news, considering that I visit no less than six different on-line news sources on a regular basis. You would think that one would be enough, but I find that it isn't. Not for me, anyway. I figure that since all this information is out there it might as well be used, and some agencies report things that others don't.
The problem with the news these days is that it's getting increasingly ridiculous. I can't believe some of the things that are making headlines.

For example, Jacques Chirac has issued a statement which claims that the world has become a more dangerous place since Saddam Hussein was removed from power. One the one hand he might just be onto something, from a certain point of view. On the other hand he could also be full of shit, and given that we're dealing with Jacques Chirac here that might not be an unfair assessment.

On the gripping hand, though, when I was reading that little headline I could not help but remember a song that Rowan Atkinson performed on stage at one time called I Hate The French. He had some pretty good points. They bake their bread in such a naughty shape. They criticize our food but then they eat crepe. I'll be buggered if I go to Gay Paree. Personally, I just resent them because they're so good in bed. Leastwise, they'd like you to think that they are anyway. Bastards.

Another headline that caught my eye this morning was a little blurb about David Lee Roth. It seems that D-D-D-Diamond Dave, the former lead singer of Van Halen and probably one of the single most obnoxious people in show business, has been riding for several weeks with a New York ambulance crew in training to become a paramedic. Instead of yelling “Jump!” he's been yelling “Clear!”

Dave claims that he just wants to help people. He's been deliberately avoiding any kind of press attention because he didn't want it to diminish what he was trying to do. His supervisor seems pretty impressed with his commitment to the task at hand, which I find truly astonishing since the only task at hand I see Dave committing himself to is one that's attached to his own body. I guess he decided that he didn't stand a snowball's chance in hell of making money in the music industry anymore, so it was time to jump ship. I can't fault him for that decision. He's right.

But the one headline that really caught my attention this morning was a little snippet on Wired about a Bill that's passing through Congress which proposes certain amendments to the Copyright laws. Now, as an artist myself I'm all in favor of copyright, but primarily for selfish reasons. I think that it's important for artists to be able to get credit and get paid for published work. But there are lines that have to be drawn in the sand to keep things from getting out of hand.

The bill contains language which permits people to skip gory or sexual content, which strikes me as essentially useless because people have had that right all along. It's called the fast forward button. But what the law giveth it also taketh away. The bill contains language which would make it illegal to use software or technology to skip over commercials or promotional announcements, like the preview trailers at the beginning of a DVD disk or a video tape.

What I find really sick is that this bill stands a good chance of being passed. Now, I don't have a problem with a lot of the items contained within the bill, but I do think that Congress is only going to look at those key items without really paying attention to a lot of the other things that the bill contains. Which means that this commercial skipping ban is probably going to pass unopposed. Hollywood loves the bill, of course, and so do the various Copyright lapdogs who have nothing better to do with their time than invade people's privacy and otherwise impede civil liberty.

For me it's just another reason to be proud to be a Canadian. That movie contains a scene you don't want to see? Fine, skip over it. That's why DVD's have chapters. Don't want to watch that movie preview? Right, then, that's what the fast forward button is for. Don't like the program that's on the telly? Great, either change the channel or turn the damn noisy box off.

That's what it's going to come to sooner or later. If Congress passes this bill in its entirety, and I believe that the chances are good that they will, then sooner or later it's going to be illegal to get up and visit the Wee Laddies Room during the commercial breaks. Sooner or later it's going to be illegal to change the channel in the middle of a broadcast.

Sooner or later it's going to be illegal to show bare skin on television in any way, shape or form. Why? Because the Religious Right finds that offensive, and they're the ones with the money so they're the ones with the Congress Critters in their pockets, so they're the ones that make the laws. You remember the Golden Rule, don't you: Whoever has the gold makes the rules?

Of course all this bullshit is in the name of protecting the rights of certain segments of the population. Commercial producers have a right to make sure their messages reach the masses, don't they? Devout Christians have a right to make sure they're not going to see any bare titties on their tellies, don't they? Sure they do.

In the case of advertisers they really have nothing to worry about because the messages are already reaching the masses. That' what billboards are for, aren't they? After all, you can't miss the bloody things, no matter how much you might want to. They're there whether you like them or not.

As for the Religious Right's sworn Crusade to keep titties off of our tellies, I believe I have a solution: Why don't you people found your own television network. You could call it No Titty TV. Wait a minute, you already have several dedicated religious channels in the mix, with all kinds of sanitized programming for all kinds of sanitized masses, don't you? Then suck it up and leave the rest of the television universe for the rest of us.

You know, I can understand the need to have certain unified definitions of what does and does not constitute acceptable broadcasting. I can even understand the need to warn people in advance that what they're about to see is either going to offend them or give them wood. But even the best intentions have certain practical limits, and both the Hollywood Lobby and the Religious Right have managed to cross all of those lines at once. Well done, guys. I always knew you had it in you.

There is a bright side to all of this: If people weren't so monumentally stupid then I wouldn't have anything to write about. That's a good thing, right guys?

Guys?

Oh, hell.