27 March 2003

Confessions Of A Depressive: The Light At The End Of The Tunnel

I am the Tarnished Knight and I suffer from Clinical Depression. I cannot remember a time when I did not suffer from it.

Fortunately for me the nature of Depression is understood a lot more clearly now than it was even as little as ten years ago.

I have sought counseling on occasion, through the Employee Assistance Program provided by whichever company I happened to be working for. I have a pretty good handle on the psychological side of my depression, the reasons why my mind is the way it is and so forth, and I am working on dealing with those issues over time.

But somehow I'm not feeling any better.

The problem with Depression is that it is elusive. There isn't just a psychological component to it, so dealing with the mental and emotional issues alone may not be enough to cure the condition. There is a physiological component to it as well, in that the condition can also be caused by an imbalance of Chemicals in the brain.

This Imbalance can be dealt with over time through the application of medication.

Now, understand, I am a very proud and stubborn man. This is clearly the result of a condition I refer to as Testosterone Poisoning and it is a condition that every single human male will suffer from at one point or another in their lives. The effects of Testosterone Poisoning are numerous and varied. In some instances it makes us aggressive. In other instances it makes us stubborn and unreasonable. There are other ways in which the condition manifests itself as well.

In may case, it makes me stubborn and prideful. I have convinced myself that given enough time to deal with a situation there is nothing I can't handle, and I don't need to see no stinking Doctors or take no bloody Drugs to do it. The instant I do either I am admitting defeat. It is that simple.

Okay, great. But there comes a time in every mans life when his personal pride doesn't mean a damn thing anymore.

For me that time came when my Ex Wife left me for another man. My problem was I didn't recognize it, even after the event in question caused me to suffer a complete mental and emotional collapse some months later.

Tunnel Vision is another symptom of Testosterone Poisoning.

So I lived my life one day at a time. I lived through my good days and I lived through my bad days. For a little while there were almost as many good days as there were bad days. But then I started having more bad days.

Things were getting worse.

Fortunately for me I have friends, and they do a pretty good job of keeping me alive and interested in staying that way.

One friend in particular is a Lady named Michelle. She is a waitress in a local 24 hour restaurant, working the Graveyard shift. I met her when I was working at a bar across the street from the restaurant, and over a period of time we became friends.

Michelle understands me very well, and she has become quite skilled at reading me. She knows when I am up and she knows when I am down.

I went to see her last week on a night when I was at my lowest. She saw it immediately, but said nothing.

As I said she understands me very well. Given the nature of my particular strain of Testosterone Poisoning she understands that I am not going to follow a course of action that can lead to treatment of and recovery from my condition unless I myself reach the conclusion that it has become necessary.

For some time I had been considering talking to my Doctor about Anti Depressants. I had not yet done so because it would feel like defeat.

However, being a glutton for punishment, and being much in need of a friend on that particular night, I told Michelle that I was considering going on Anti Depressants. She kind of smiled and said, "Good. I was wondering when you were going to do that."

As we talked I began to reach the conclusion that she had been somewhat concerned about me for quite some time.

So on Monday I went to my Doctor and had a little conversation with him, walked out with a prescription for Paxil. When I got home from work that night I did a little research on the drug and possible side effects.

They don't recommend consumption of Alcohol when you are depressed. They especially don't recommend consumption of Alcohol when you are taking Anti Depressants.

Now let's get something straight, here. I drink, but I don't drink a lot. On those occasions that I do choose to drink my ceiling is six drinks, although I will usually stop drinking after three.

However, in the last three years, most especially the last year, I have had more to drink than in all of the five years previous.

The increase in my Depression caused by the departure of my Ex Wife had caused me to drink more.

Right, then. Only one thing to do.

Well, two things actually.

The first thing that I need to do is stop drinking completely. Just like that. Cold turkey. No weaning myself off of it gradually. It stops and it stops now.

The next thing that I need to do is fill that prescription and start taking them regular, just as the Doctor ordered.

So there we go.

It's going to get better. It won't happen immediately, but it will get better. All I have to do is stay the course, and it will get better.

One way or another.

So, there you have it, my friends. I've confessed. I'm a Depressive.

But there's a light at the end of the tunnel.

There always was, though. I just couldn't see it.

Thus I encourage you to raise your glasses as I offer the following toast: To friends who care about you enough to worry about you. Where would you be without them?