| Surviving a Miscarriage After my first child, Dacey, was born I did a stupid thing. I got on the depo provera birth control shot. I was young and naive and trusted those caring for me. I didn't bother to research it thoroughly. It sounded convenient, so we went with it. To make a long story short the shot caused me to bleed for a year. During this time I had two unconfirmed miscarriages and I gained fifty pounds. I deeply wanted another child and began asking God to bless us with more. At the end of March while participating in the Bible study, "Becoming a Woman of Prayer" by Cynthia Heald God led me to lay my hands on my stomach and pray to conceive. I did. Three weeks later I was pregnant with Jaden. Jaden was such a blessing. Our miracle baby. The one the doctors said I wouldn't have. And three and a half years later he is still just as much a joy as the day he was born. Thirteen months passed and another double line pregnancy test!! Isaac was born in October 2002. Healthy as can be and with the most stunning blue eyes imaginable. I was so blessed with my three children and briefly felt as if our family was complete. That feeling didn't last long. So a short time later we started trying for number four. I got pregnant again right off the bat, but two days after having the positive pregnancy test I was bleeding again. The baby gone. Within a few months we experienced the same series of events again. In February this year we found out we were pregnant again! Once we passed up the six week mark that I'd miscarried at each time before, we knew that come October we'd be celebrating our new baby!! We started rearranging the kids rooms and making room for baby. We'd chosen a girl name and still debating boy names. At twelve weeks I noticed that I was spotting. It wasn't much, but enough to make me nervous after having had previous miscarriages. We took the children to my mom's and went straight on to the emergency room. We got there and the doctor did a pelvic and announced that he didn't see any blood. He said that I had just been spotting a little and there looked to be nothing wrong!! He wanted me to go ahead and have a sonogram before sending me home. "Just routine to confirm dates," he explained. While the tech was performing the sonogram I was telling her all about my miracle pregnancies and how much we were looking forward to our fourth child. Having been given a false sense of security from the doctors previous comments, I didn't expect anything to be wrong. When the doctor came back in after the sonogram he frankly said, "The sac is there, but the baby is gone." I went home brokenhearted. My dreams shattered and if that wasn't bad enough, we had to tell the kids that their baby was gone. The following Monday Dacey had gymnastics and afterward we went out to eat. We were driving home and I began feeling very bad. Tommy called the ob and told him that I was in a lot of pain and asked what to do. He told him to bring me back to the ER. By the time we got there I was in full labor and hemorrhaging. My parents met us at the hospital and took the kids home with them. I lost so much blood that they began prepping for transfusions. The doctors were amazed that I never actually needed one though. My blood count stayed high through the whole ordeal. However, since I have never been able to dilate with my other pregnancies, I wasn't with this one either. So the baby wasn't able to pass. Tuesday they did a D&C. When I woke up the doctor was standing over me and said, "It's all over." I burst into tears and sobbed to the nurses, "I wanted my baby." That afternoon we begged the doctor to release me. I needed to be with Dacey, Jaden, and Isaac. So he did. Some days are ok, some are good, and some are very bad. I imagine that's the way it will be for a while to come. I will never see my baby this side of Heaven. I won't hear her laugh, see her smile, ride a bike, or watch her play with her siblings. I know that she will never hurt and that she is now in the presence of Jesus, but in all of my humanness and selfishness, I'd rather she was here. I asked God once why He allowed me to become pregnant to begin with only to take the baby from me later. He reminded me that He lost a child once too. And then He spoke to my heart and reminded me of Mary. She had to watch her baby be spit at, beaten, mocked, and crucified. I'm sure at the time it made no sense to her. Why had God given her the promise of her Son to take Him like this? But what Mary couldn't see was on the other side of the cross was the resurrection. What Mary didn't know was that her son was to die so that all men might eternally live. I know that my child was not sent to rescue humanity, but I also know that God sees the other side of my burial. I know that He knows full well the plans of it all that are meant for my greater good, and the greater good of my child. As long as I live I will miss our Layna Grace. I wait anxiously to hold her in Heaven. -Samantha Sivils- |
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