Ask Snape - My Version!

This version is odd, because I do not ask him any-old question...my questions are in relation to his literary purpose in the series. But it is funny! I thought it would be interesting to see the book series through a character's eyes...

Scene: I, (Ellyndia McGovern III) am writing a paper on the structure of the Potter series for my Modern Novel class (does not exist, but the concept is mine). So, I ask several characters about their thoughts- McGonagall, Dumbledore, Harry, and...well...I tried Snape. But you'll see....

Me: Well, sir, thanks again for taking time out-
Snape: This better not be one of those childish "Ask Snape" sites that is just a medium for hormone-raged girls to have sexual fantasies involving me.
Me: Oh, no, sir. I wanted to ask you questions about how your role in the series increases the level of complexity in the books.
Snape: Really....*skeptical look, and the eyebrow thing*
Me: Well, um, lets start off by giving me your opinion as to why a character such as yourself is included in the book.
Snape: Since I have worked for both sides of the main conflict, my character can relate to characters on both sides. Therefore, I can be paralleled to any character in the book, almost.
Me: That's a big claim, sir. May I ask you to give us some evidence?
Snape: *low, and looking at me* My word should be enough.
Me:: Well, sir, I can't site your theory in my paper and merely say "Because Snape said so."
Snape: Why not?
*An ugly pause*
Me: Sir, I was not disagreeing with your statement- rather I agree with it. I was just wondering if you had any specific examples that show the diversification of your character to others.
Snape: I am not going to point out the obvious!
Me: But-
Snape: There are more than enough examples in the series that even a bumbling idiot such as yourself can see at least one connection!
Me: Sir, Please! I am not stupid, I see all the parallels with your character-
Snape: Then why are you asking me to point them out to you?
Me: This interview is about your opinions, sir, not mine! I wanted to know which examples you deem important!
Snape: Then you should have said that in the first place! Such incongruencies in the syntax of your sentence structure can lead to many confusing inferances. It would do you right to master clarity of language.
Me: * speechless*
Snape: But, since you asked my opinion, I think I could be paralleled to Potter's muggle aunt Marge.
Me: * a bit astonished* Really?
Snape: *returns tone* Really! *disgusted*
Me: Sorry. I wouldn't expect you to know about that incident.
Snape: Why?
Me: Well, it happened to Potter during the summer....
Snape: So?
*long pause, as I struggle to clarify my argument*
Me: Well, um, could you at least clarify your example...?
Snape: *sigh* Have you even read the books?
Me: Yes I have!
Snape: Then you would have noticed the similar behavior of Potter's aunt to myself. Think about it.
Me: *realization* Ya know...I think you're right.
Snape *sighs in frusteration*
Me: Oh my gosh....it makes sense....the way she harasses Potter by bringing up his father, and the way you insult him later in the same book- whoa!
Snape: *not impressed* I was assured that you were going to ask me intelligent questions. If you just want me to sit here and explain the whole series to you....
Me: No, no! That's not what I want at all!
Snape: *getting up* We will reschedual this interview when you are knowedgable about your subject!
Me: No sir, wait!
*He opens the door, exits, and slams the door*

So what did I learn? Don't ask Severus Snape to prove anything. But after much begging, he gave me another chance...

Me: Sir, I must apologize for my behavior in the previous interview.
Snape: Humph.
Me: Then let me ask some more concrete questions- so you don't doubt my knowledge ....During the Dueling Club incident in the second year- Rowling has you literally slamming Lockhart on the wall. We all know why you did it- Lockhart's not exactly the sharpest knife in the drawer. But why you? I mean, why you, instead of someone else?
Snape: What do you mean? I was there in the room. The idiot dared challenge me, and I had to show to the students that I was superior.
Me: No, sir. I know you were in the room, my question is what point was Rowling trying to make by having the "dreaded Potions master" challenge the stupid but good-looking Lockhart?
Snape: She wanted to point out the differences in our characters.
Me: So- would you say that this scene points out to the readers that you and Lockhart are direct dramatic foils of each other?
Snape: Not of each other, but of him to me.
Me: You're more important than Lockhart in the books?
Snape: *the look*
Me: *heming and hawing* Sorry, sir, I certainly didn't agree with my statement, I just had to make sure it was an opinion, ya know, because that's what counts, your opinion, sir, not mine, I'm not saying Lockhart's better, I mean, he was kicked out in the 2nd book, while you're still around....heh.. *looking nervous*
Snape: Just so you agree.
Me: Oh I do! But...um....so what?
Snape: What?
Me: Why does Rowling choose to develop your charater through a dramatic foil of Lockhart to you? Despite the fact that the scene itself was cool...*a little sheepishly* Well, at least, I was cheering when you slammed him against the wall.
Snape: Well, thank you.
*I smile a bit*
Snape: I think this idea of dramatic foil is just a personal choice of Rowling. She uses that particular literary device to develop several important characters throughout the books.
Me: But mainly for your character, right? I mean, Lucius Mafloy, Barty Crouch (junior and senior), Cornelius Fudge, Igor Karkaroff - they are all foils for you. I could go on forever.
Snape: Hmmm.... It seems like you have read up on your material, and came to the interview prepared. I commend you.
Me: (aside) *giggles with delight* (to Snape) Thank you.
Snape: *disgusted* I take that back.
Me: Sir! I'm sorry! I swear I will just ask questions from now on.
Snape: See that you do.
Me: Okay- new topic- Hermione Granger.
Snape: That know-it-all brat?
Me: Yes. Why do you hate her more than others?
Snape: *thinks for a bit* She reminds me a little of myself
Me: Really?
Snape: *sigh* Yes. I hate to admit it, but the brat is a bit like myself when I was at Hogwarts.
Me: Oh.....*writes this down* That makes sense. I immediately think about when in the first book during Halloween- that way she lies and says "Well, I thought I could handle a troll by myself because I read about them." That's so much like what happened to you- the Marauders incident.
Snape: Yes....*looks to the left of me at something behind my back*
(pause)
Me:Do you realize what this says about your character?
Snape: *a bit angry* Yes I do.
Me: Sir, if you want to change the topic...
Snape: No, no.
Me: Have you ever heard of a phychologist named Carl Jung?
Snape: No.
Me: Well, he came up with the idea of "compensation." People who feel that they are weak in some fields will work extra hard to redeem their self worth. I see a lot of that in Granger.
Snape: *mad, obviously* I did not agree to this interview to be phychoanalyzed by a student!
Me: But, sir-
(Snape gets up and leaves)

Aw crap. I sure have a knack of insulting him. Maybe I should stick to the "so what?" That is what the paper is about.

And then, through some divine act of God, he let me interview him again. (I don't know why, I mean, I would have left long ago if I was interviewing myself.......)

Me: I have personally wanted to ask you about your behavior in the third book. A lot of your nastiness and rage is finally revealed.
Snape: Well, what did you want me to do? Stand there and whine?
Me: Oh, never sir, no, never. But - I have a question. I notice that most of our information about your character from this point comes from mostly your interactions in front of others. Even when you catch Ron and Harry crash into the Whomping Willow in the second book, the result is stilll in front of someone else- in that case, Ron Weasely.
Snape: What's your point?
Me: Well, in this book we see you finally face to face with Potter, when he goes to Hogsmeade without permission. Within the scene, we find out several important plot facts - a reason for some of your resentment, and the fact that Potter has the Mauradeurs map. First off, why do you really call Lupin from the flames?
Snape: Why don't you tell me? You're so knowedgeable about my actions- you explain!
Me: Sir, I thought you understood, this is not about my opinion. Since you are an actual character in the book- your opinions count much more than a poor Muggle's ever could. But...since we both know why you called him-
Snape: And why did I call him, huh?
Me: But sir-
Snape: No. I want to know your opinion. And be very careful what you say.
Me: Well...*takes a deep breath and closes eyes* You are so determined to show up Potter, to prove to him constantly that you are more powerful than him- why we don't know yet. So when you call Lupin from the flames, you don't care that the student body adores him - all you care about is that Potter adores him. So by both putting Lupin on the spot and demeaning Potter's hero, you win a personal victory.
*pause*
Snape: *low* How did you find out such information?
Me: Your actions speak louder than words, sir. But, *seeing he is looking sort of- je ne sais quoi-ish, I continue*
Me: But remember sir, the point of this interview is not the details- its the "so what." Why now, in the third book, does Rowling allow you to finally fully insult Potter?
Snape: *still thinking about what I said previously* I think it goes back to evenly spacing out events that are meant to be paralleled to each other. Within the third book, you have Potter's getting mad at his Aunt, my talking to Potter about his father-
Me: *snort* "talking"....
Snape: - and the incident at the Shrieking Shack. Notice how all three fit into the single book- beginning, middle, end. The common traits link the book together. Its one of the ways Rowling connects the series.
Me: Hmm. *noting this down. German accent* Veery eentrestink.
Snape: Drop that abominable accent at once. It's not even done well.
Me: *in rebound, normal voice* At least I didn't say anything about yours. *gasp, as my hand literally flies to my mouth. He looks pretty pissed*
Me: Look, sir, I'm sorry, truely, really, I didn't mean it-
Snape: *he gets up to leave* Detention at midnight tonight.
Me: But you can't- no , wait- I'm not even your student!
Snape: *at the door* You'll come if you want another interview.
*he exits and slams the door*

*german accent* Vell zat vas vonderful. Just vonderful. *Normal voice* I wasn't going to go to his detention! No way! But again the almost driving hunger to talk to this persona....so I went. I wasn't entirely looking foward to detention with a bunch of children, and I wondered what kind of 'detention' he had in store for me... a Muggle adult....

Disclaimer: No doubt many interesting fanfics could be written about a Muggle's midnight detention with Snape. But I will leave that to others who will no doubt fill them with sex. (Come on- I know you want to- don't deny it).

But I will just say he had me sweep some stuff up. He didn't let me touch anything....

Again, all you sex-fans can write another fic about him not letting a Muggle touch anything of his- but you will not see anything of that sort on my site.

But I finally suffered through a detention, and he very reluctantly agreed to allow me to interview him again.

An ALL NEW Ask Snape concerning the Order of the Phoenix will be here very shortly!