The premiere, (and demise,) of this skit took place on March 25th, 2001, at the Sportsmen's Lodge Hotel, in the tent. The very fine actors were; Maximus....Gayle-Lynne Senator....Swingdancer Quintus...Audrey Lucilla...Jay Praetorian Guard 1...Liz Praetorian Guard 2...Coco Haken/Hagen...Liz Various dead bodies (including Dixonator!!)...USC students THE REVENGE OF QUINTUS! CHARACTERS: Lucilla, Senator, Maximus, Quintus We see MAXIMUS laying on the floor, obviously dead. The SENATOR comes on and, unaware of MAXIMUS, begins the intro. As he is speaking, LUCILLA comes on and stands behind him. SENATOR: (In a loud, rather melodramatic tone, a bit stiff.) Good evening. In this, the initial installment of the Revenge of Quintus, the following questions may arise, and may be answered...What will Lucilla do, now that Commodus is dead? Who will Lucius look up to as a father figure? How is the blood cleaned off the coliseum floor? Is Maximus really dead? Does the- MAXIMUS: (Interrupting the Senator) Ye-es. I�m dead. I�m really dead. The SENATOR, rather confused, steps back to LUCILLA, who is mourning. LUCILLA: Oh Maximus! Maximus! My poor, noble- MAXIMUS: ( a bit irritated) My lady! What do you want?! I�m DEAD! for the love of Hades.... LUCILLA: Oh Maximus, are you really sure? Are you quite dead? MAXIMUS: Oh yes. I�m quite dead. Now, I know its sad and all, but could you please leave me to rest in peace, perhaps? LUCILLA: (to the SENATOR) Is there any chance of resurrection? SENATOR: I don�t know my lady. I rather doubt it. MAXIMUS: No, there is NO CHANCE for resurrection. Talk to Quintus about that. LUCILLA: Quintus? What would he know about resurrection? MAXIMUS: He�ll only say, there�s not much difference. Now, a little quiet please? Some respect for the newly dead? By Hades.... LUCILLA: Oh Senator, if there is but a small chance, we must find it...Please, go and fetch Quintus. SENATOR: As always, your lightest touch commands me.. SENATOR: (stepping to the front) Is Lucilla really in mourning? What will Quintus say? Does anybody mourn Commodus? If Maximus is really dead, why does he keep talking? How do- MAXIMUS: (Growls menacingly at the Senator) END SCENE ONE SCENE TWO SENATOR: Does the senator fetch Quintus? What is Lucilla doing meanwhile? Does Quintus really know about the after-life? Is Maximus still dead? These questions and more... MAXIMUS: (ironically) The gods really do have a sense of humor. I�ve been dead since May 5th last year. SENATOR: Yes. Well, I�m not sure if the mob agrees. (awkward pause) Well, I must go and look for Quintus. Good day. (The SENATOR goes in search of Quintus. He runs into some other PRAETORIAN GUARDS. The PRAETORIAN GUARDS look rather dirty and unkempt) SENATOR: Hello, have you seen Quintus anywhere? My lady Lucilla commands his presence. PRAETORIAN GUARD1: (looking rather nervous) Quintus? No, no, haven�t seen him. Sorry, must dash now -- PRAETORIAN GUARD2: (rather drunkenly) Acshually, we�s just saw him! We�s just saw him �round the corner there. I think he�s coming now, heehee! (PG1 tries to hush PG2) SENATOR: Well, thanks for your help. I�ll go look- (QUINTUS appears, looking at someone backstage) QUINTUS: Slave! I ordered you to move forth to my house and get my script; I�m out of change! (QUINTUS suddenly see the PG�s, stops, and scrutinizes them) QUINTUS: (to PG1)Excuse me, don�t I know you from somewhere? PG1: No sir. I don�t believe so. (he�s very nervous) SENATOR: Quintus, sir - QUINTUS: (to PG 1)Are you quite sure? PG2: Oh come on Quintee! You don�t recognize us? He he. We�re the guards that knew of Maximus� escape! You ordered our execution, �member? QUINTUS: By the gods! So I did! What are you doing? You�re supposed to be dead...(Quintus is flummoxed) SENATOR: Um, Quintus.... PG2:laughing drunkenly, rather loudly) Well, all due respect sir, but that scene was cut! QUINTUS: Ah. right. So it was. Carry on then... the PG�S run off quickly) SENATOR: Ahem, excuse me, Quintus... QUINTUS: Yes? SENATOR: The lady Lucilla commands your presence.... QUINTUS: I serve Rome, and I shall serve her. I�m on my way... SENATOR: Does Quintus visit the lady Lucilla? Do the Praetorian Guards still have jobs? Does Quintus really know anything about resurrection? Were Proximo�s giraffes truly queer? These- MAXIMUS: Senator....you�re vexing me... END SCENE TWO SCENE THREE (QUINTUS and SENATOR back with LUCILLA) SENATOR: Does Quintus know why he�s been summoned? Where did the red rose petals come from? Did the Roman warriors know about denim fabric? How far was it from Vindebona to Tujillo? (Both LUCILLA and QUINTUS are getting very tired of the SENATOR�s questions) LUCILLA: Quintus. How nice to see you. QUINTUS: My lady (he bows and very formally kisses her hand) LUCILLA: Quintus, I�ve heard tell that you know something about the afterlife? Please, share your knowledge with me. (MAXIMUS groans in disgust) QUINTUS: My lady, I know very little of the afterlife. I suspect its not much different than what we experience here. (awkward pause) My lady, how are you? How is Lucius? LUCILLA: Thank you for your concern. We are well enough. Lucius will need a father though. He must learn to rule the mob. Do you see them out there, somewhere... (QUINTUS and LUCILLA look through a �window� to the AUDIENCE  ) QUINTUS: Yes, I see them. Hmm, they seem to be walking...circling...not-- SENATOR:nterrupting) lady, I just had an idea. (Q and L turn and look at him) Well, Lucius needs a father, you need a husband. What better man than Quintus? He knew Maximus better than anyone. LUCILLA: Well, there is some concern about his character. (Q looks puzzled, and disappointed) I mean, we�re not sure if he�s only out for himself, or if indeed he does serve Rome. QUINTUS: (exasperated, wearily)Must I explain myself again? I am a soldier of Rome. I always serve Rome, hence the emperor. I am a stoic, so I take what comes. And if it�s character we�re discussing, well, you did rather turn Maximus in, so that Haken, Maximus, Cicero, Gaius and his mistress are all dead. LUCILLA: Ah. You do have a point there. Well, if it serves Rome, I shall marry Quintus. Quintus, what say you. QUINTUS: I too serve Rome. I shall do all that you require. SENATOR: (Interrupting) Will Quintus marry Lucilla? How will Lucius take the news? Is Maximus still really dead? Tune in for our final chapter--- QUINTUS: Excuse me Senator, but you are really getting on my nerves. If you interrupt me again-(make a chopping motion with his hand) MAXIMUS: Thank god! I�d do it myself but I�m dead! END SCENE THREE SCENE FOUR SENATOR: In this, the final chapter of the Revenge of Quintus, will the wedding happen? Will Maximus be resurrected? Was the gladiator�s name HaKEN, or HAYGEN? (he�s quiet for a moment) LUCILLA: Ah, Quintus! What an empire we shall build! I must go- SENATOR: (Interrupting) What really happened to the dog? Will Lucius be emperor? Will they sacrifice a 100 bulls- (QUINTUS grabs the SENATOR and they have a very dramatic gory battle. LUCILLA politely looks the other way. The SENATOR is killed, and dies dramatically, falling on the floor and rolling and dying by MAXIMUS) MAXIMUS: Hello Senator. SENATOR: Hello Maximus. (awkward pause) MAXIMUS: Not much different, is it? SENATOR: No. It�s not. LUCILLA: I must go and tell Lucius. I�ll back in just a moment....(QUINTUS stoically bows to her) ( Thus far, QUINTUS has been completely stoic. As soon as she�s out of sight, Q makes sure, then breaks into a wild non-stoic dance. He goes wild, shaking his booty, prancing, singing " I�m going to be Emperor! I�m going to be Emperor!" and playing 'air guitar' on his 'sword' saying, 'Seriously People, I rock!') (LUCILLA returns, and watches Q for a moment. She seems amused. He finally sees her and stops, quite embarrassed.) QUINTUS: Um, I was just...excersing my sword arm... LUCILLA: Ah. I see. Quintus, I�m going to the kitchen, would you like me to bring you a tonic ? QUINTUS: Yes, that would be quite nice. Stay with me tonight? LUCILLA: (laughs) You know I might! (exits again) (QUINTUS settles himself on a �couch� very decadently) QUINTUS: Oh Lucilla?? LUCILLA: Yes? (from off-stage) QUINTUS: Bring me some grapes! (As they exit, the SENATOR holds up a sign saying �EPILOGUE coming soon�) END SCENE FOUR EPILOGUE HAKEN, CICERO, MAXIMUS, SENATOR, COMMODUS and other DEAD PEOPLE from the movie are laying around dead. MAXIMUS: So, was it Hay-gen or Hak-en? I never was sure... HAKEN: Maximoos, it was.... SENATOR: (interrupting) Hey, I keep hearing myself talking...like my whole life yelling in my ears... MAXIMUS: (scoffs) Didn�t you know...what we do in life, echoes in eternity??? ***FINIS*** Quintiana

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