04-06-07
Sitting on the edge, my feet dangling over feeling weightless.
Staring over out towards the water, small but it's mine.
Swinging my legs back and forth, the sun getting dim.
Nothing mattered. Just sitting there in content of where I was.
Closing my eyes and tilting my head back and feeling the air on my face.
I miss those days. The days of just sitting there and everything becoming so clear.
03-04-07
I want you to feel pain.
I can’t help it. Wanting you to feel, what I felt for those years that I cried for death.
Those feelings that had me drowning in my own tears, feeling as if I couldn’t breathe.
The pain that I felt, that could only find comfort in the blade of a knife.
I want you to hurt, so that you can know what it was like to be me.
Feel it, devour it, and beg for mercy.
But all that I feel now is hate. Hate to what happened and hate to the blind.
I can never forget.
2-25-07
After hearing your voice on the phone, I remembered the love that I have for you. I have tried to get over you so hard.
Everyone keeps telling me that if I loved you, I would fight harder. What else am I supposed to do?
Am I supposed to kidnap you and try and convince you that you love me?
I know there is something there, something more than just a friendship.
But knowing we are under the same stars, in the same planet just makes me want to scream.
I love you. I love you so much and more than she could ever love you.
I would have done anything in this world for you.
Why can’t that be enough? Why can’t you see that? Why do you have to be so scared?
Why can’t you just love me, the way that I love you?
02-20-07
At one time, pain was a pleasure. I needed and wanted more.
Now with just a paper cut, I whimper like a child.
It’s funny how much death can do that to you, make you want to live.
One road leading down, wanting it all to end, with another rising up, of hope and dreams and life.
Pain is no longer the pleasure, but simply just pain. Something that my body now tells me that is wrong.
Instead of aching for more.
02-16-07
The two sides to my life, one happy, one sad.
Feeling it takes miles upon miles to know and feel love.
Often the imagination that I am somewhere else, happy and free.
Right now feeling like a caged up bird that keeps trying to fly but being pushed back down into the cage.
Fear that I will never get that chance to escape.
Fear that I wont be around that love again.
02-09-07
So many stories, with all different endings.
I don’t know which one to believe…..they all hurt so badly.
Why is it so hard, to just tell the truth? Why must I constantly be lied to?
My heart aches. It shouldn’t be this way.
The love that I feel will always be there for the blood…..
Just open your eyes and see me for who I am, and tell the story, from beginning to end, with no alternations.
Why do I always feel like I am the adult and you are the child? I fear you will never grow up.
The hassle of knowing I’m here, just makes my heart turn black.
02-05-07
Tired of this feeling.
Just want it to disappear.
I can’t wait to leave this place with you behind. The place that makes me want to scream. Can’t wait to leave the people who know me as nothing.
Your shit out of luck that you don’t get to know me for the person that I am.
I don’t expect you to want to know me, or to even love me.
You’ve proven many times that you don’t.
Despite how often you may have tried.
Just go away, the hate is making it hard to breathe.
Just disappear.
Everything I do, you make it a point to try and knock it down.
But no more.
The guilt that worked for so many years, isn’t even working anymore.
01-29-07
The hate inside me has grown more for them.
I have tried to stop it, but you can’t stop the heart from feeling what it feels.
I want to scrub myself clean of this sickness. Just make it all go away.
Make it stop.
Just disappear.
01-29-07
Last night I had a dream, of a world that I have never known.
A world that I would do anything to be able to try.
But just as fast it was there, it was gone, I was up.
Up to a new day, to try and get through.
01-19-07
Looking in the mirror, seeing this girl.
A girl I never knew that existed.
A girl who has been prettying herself all up.
Lotion on the hands and on the feet, stopping from biting her nails.
Trying hard at her hair, even if one piece is out of place, feeling accomplished because she is trying so hard.
Taking care of her body, seeing her self as a beauty, not the beast.
A woman with curves, and sensuality of a butterfly.
Noticing the other looks that men give her, and instead of her head going down, thinking the worst, she is now walking on clouds.
Trying so hard at baking, with flower everywhere even in her hair. And after done, felt like a novel begun.
A girl, becoming a woman.
But still that girl, who loves to fish, and loves to get dirty.
But also now loves, to look like a lady.
01-16-07
Today I was at her place, organizing my stuff. I didn't feel like I was doing what I knew what I was doing.
I felt blank, empty, not scared but yet not happy either.
Later on, I was in " my room " and I started to cry. I couldn't stop. All I wanted to do was go home.
The tears started and I couldn't control them as they took over me.
I ended up calling a familiar voice, I knew once I did, I would be ok. I did. It worked. I felt ok until after we hung up and all I did was started to cry again.
Will I ever feel this way again? The safety of being somewhere and belonging? I can only wish and can only hope to.
01-13-07
I really miss you, and I love you so much. The feelings of hurt, are starting pass, yet I still feel empty.
The man I could have seen, spending my whole life with, is gone.
I’ve started to wonder, if this is who I am now, maybe with you, I was who I thought you wanted me to be.
Would you still care for me now?
You used to tell me that you would do anything in the world for me.
Do you still feel the same way?
When I used to cry, you cried with me.
We seemed to share the same hopes and the same dreams.
Maybe my dreams were all fake.
So maybe it is good, that you didn’t end up being the man I woke up next to every morning even though that is what I wanted.
Our lives would have been un real.
I know I could have never explored my wild side with you. I could never feel sexy, so maybe love just isn’t enough after all.
01-10-07
Always finding myself getting hurt, time and time again, wishing each time is different yet it all ends the same.
I hate loving. But I fear hate.
Often finding myself wishing I was her. It’s killing me inside, making me not want to ever love again.
Had my heart broken once, yet it’s starting back from the beginning.. When will I allow it to stop?
Different types of broken, yet all bleed the same.
I dream of you, of him, of it all so often.
So many memories, so many tears, why do I let myself continue to get hurt?
My heart bleeds.
Closing the door, afraid that I should, shutting myself down so that no longer will I feel this type of pain. The pain that has my body feeling cold, and have my tears flow at night.
01-06-07
I was remembering those nights, that we used to meet up for coffee. Running off to meet my best friend, I was asked, how can we possibly have something to talk about when we talk every day?
I enjoyed talking to you. You absolutely fascinate me. The things you talk about usually have a sense of passion.
01-06-07
I know a secret. But no one knows that I know. The secret of pain.
I just don't want to know.
01-02-06
Knowing something just isn't right, scared that it might be over. I keep a set of goals in my head hoping for the future instead of worrying about today.
Knowing what I want, excited that I jut might get it.
Who knows.
12-22-06
Well within the past few weeks, a lot has happened.
I finally admitted that I needed help, the cutting just needed to be stopped. It was getting out of control. I hadn’t done it in four months, but the urge was there. I wanted to and I thought I needed to. Wishing and hoping for death. I had thoughts of how I would end it all for myself, I couldn’t even tell someone that I loved how I was feeling. Hurting people that loves me, and didn’t realize what I was doing.
Those three nights, spending in a room with a lot of rules, feeling as if I was getting a second chance. Being made to think about things I had only feared to and being made to make decisions.
Coming home I was excited. Seeing those that I love and had missed.
Even though it was only three days, it was one of the longest three days in my life.
Put on more pills to make me feel better only had made things worse.
Feeling panicked and then not being able to talk. Things I wanted to say, but just couldn’t. The words were there but wouldn’t come out.
Standing in the shower, a sudden pain came by me. If only I could remember everything about that night. Being helped out of the tub, by two friends of mine, I just remember the pain and I couldn’t move. Last thing I remember was not being in control of getting dressed.
Waking up here and there with people all around me, bruises on my chest from being hit because I stopped breathing.
I remember at one point being told, Donna honey you got to breath, if not I have to tube you. I stuttered, I’m trying.
Waking up in the ER, the doctor got psych in to talk to me and I cried, don’t let them put me back, I’m better.
The doc finally said to me, do you want to kill yourself, do you want to hurt yourself?
For the first time without any thought, I said no.
I feel like a new person, with newer healthier thoughts.
I knew I was loved before, but this experience made me realize, that I’m not alone, and that some people will always love me.
Some people have always seen me, when others are just now starting to.
That isn’t something that I expected of this, and at times it makes me sad.
But for the first time I feel like I can handle what ever may come my way.
I’m a strong person for doing what I did, and I am so proud of myself for getting that help, taking the step forward instead of the steps back that I have been doing all my life.
12/13/06
Sitting
in a room, with three other beds.
Am I the only normal crazy one?
My bed up against the window, looking to my right, I see a woman who doesn’t realize she is her. He husband shows up, crying at her side while she says, is your wife alright?
The other woman next to her, short with glasses, pants pulled up to her breasts. She moans and rocks herself back and forth waiting for the phone to ring, then when it does she screams, you never called, why didn’t you call?
All night in her sleep she cries.
The woman in front is just plain ol’ confused. She said she needs to escape that they are out to get her. She said she’s been here two weeks. The one with glasses wouldn’t speak to me, but the one next to me doesn’t know how long she has been here or where it is she’s at.
Here I am, I cried all night. In fear of what may need to be done. I have him on one hand, them on another, but I never realized who it is that I want, not until last night. But does he want me?
He’s never judged me, he has always been there. Where have they been? Up until I ended in the Loony bin.
12/04/06
An uneducated fool who when words are spoken, sounds like knives being drug down a chalk board.
I want to be able to talk without sounding like an ass. To be able to sound intelligent.
I want to be intelligent.
I hate being looked at like I am stupid.
Having to work two jobs. Because just one isn't enough.
I want that top knot life. To be able to not worry.
I don't want to hate to go to work every day.
12/02/06
Finding myself getting use to a situation, then dropping the bomb on me for things to change again soon.
Just for the first time feeling comfortable and now, I find myself scared shit less.
I know time calls for changes, but am I really ready, or are you ever ready?
I know what I want.....
I know what I need.
But I can't help but feel scared.
12/02/06
Closing up the house of memories. Some good, some bad.
Going through and looking at each room for one last time, I stopped at each room, picking out a memory.
Like digging through a box of pictures and remembering where that and when that took place.
Walking out and looking back at one last time.
Looking at the steps that I walked down each morning to a new beginning of a new year of school.
The kitchen where my dad would come home from work at 2 in the morning, bringing home food and we would sit there, the three of us, talking, laughing, and eating.
Upstairs in the living room, remembering nailing the Christmas tree to the floor, because of the cats would drag it across the room.
My parents bedroom is bare, but all I could see was the times the three of us would squeeze in together to watch a movie, and fighting over the heart pillow.
The room where my dad worked and I would often go in and we would have our hour long conversation about the world and how we felt. Hearing Hank Williams playing in the back ground.
Then my room, the room where so many things changed. Where I grew into the woman that I am now. The room my daddy would come in to to chase away my nightmares, or held me when I cried, assuring that it would all be okay.
Those times are gone, but the memories are forever alive in my heart.
12/01/06
Today was two years. Two years that you have been gone and I have never been able to let it be.
Standing at your grave and crying with my head held down.
I felt so angry, so hurt.
But at one moment, I felt at ease. I felt like I was given permission to finally let it be.
To move on and to live life.
Someone who means the world to me told me something today that made me want to scratch his heart out. But not because of what he said had hurt me, but because what he had said was true.
You told me that you would never leave me and I kept looking at it like you did and that you lied...
But you didn't.
You're still here in my heart and in my memories. And I know you'll always be watching over me.
12/01/06
I know he probably thinks it's queer, how I feel.
Today I was going to tell you what it was that has been getting my feelings all so fucked up.
I can't help it that I'm still sad. No, I don't hate everyday. I know it seems like it but I don't.
I know he's gone, I know he isn't coming back....
So many days spent wrong, wishing that I would be the one to disappear.
I know that, I'm not stupid.
I am happy. I saw that last night when I was at my new job.
This morning while standing in the shower, I felt excited, I wanted to come into your room and wake you up and thank you again.
No one has ever been so patient with me, so understanding, and so loving.
I dunno...
11/30/06
Tell me how it is, that I am supposed to feel...
Feel like screaming at the top of my lungs because I don't know who the fuck I am supposed to be.
Or even who you want me to be.
11/30/06
Sometimes when I am around you, I feel sorry for who I am....
I'm sorry I can't be the person you often wish I was.
Many times I know of jokes but sometimes I wonder, if you're sincere.
I'm going through a lot right now. I can't help it if at times I feel panicked.
At times being scared. A lot has happened.
I'm changing and at times the changes them selves kinda scare me.
I have never had to deal with stuff before, stuff that I should have and I'm trying to now.
I am who I am, and I shouldn't be sorry for that..
I know I am only being paranoid.
And soon, I will be over this....
11/30/06
I know I am being ridiculous.
In feeling the way I am feeling.... I have no right. But I am confused.
Taking my world and turning it upside down.
I know it's something that I am eventually going to get over but for now, the thoughts make me feel overwhelmed.
11/29/06
For the first time, I am starting to look at life.
For the first time, I am starting to try and really find who I am.
I feel comfortable. I feel that I can finally see things the way I need to see them.
Feeling that I am actually starting to belong somewhere.
Everyone does.
I have lived my life, to what people thought I should......
But this is who I am, Getting a fresh start at a new life.
11/26/06
To whom it may concern,
the letter of death.
The tears that I mentioned of blood, are flowing beyond control.
To many memories, that just need to stop.
Afraid to think, or even open my mouth.
I close my eyes and all I can see is nightmares.
I want to scrub clean every inch of my body, but no matter how much I try to, I can't.
I wish I could start over.
I wish I can be happy.
When times are good they are good, but when they are bad, it's really bad.
Maybe I'm just fucked beyond all repair.
11/26/06
I want to disappear.
I just want to melt into nothing.
A candle burns but eventually it goes out.
I have been burning to long.
I have been hurting to long.
I have been hating myself for to long.
And I have been blaming myself for to long.
I want to just disappear.
11/26/06
Ever do something , that you swore you would never do, and then wonder why?
There is something that I did, that I can't undo, and a part of me wishes that I could.
Wouldn't it be nice to be able to just turn back time.
To make all wrongs finally right?
But then again, maybe I would have done the same thing, made the same decision.
Or maybe there isn't really any wrong decisions.
11/26/06
( Men )
I only want sex. Nothing more. I want to be wanted and I want to be needed.
Only a few men come to mind when I think of sex.
A few men that will continue to be in my mind for obvious reasons.
Men that I simply just can't have.
But oh so often fantasize them touching my body from top to bottom.
I crave sex, I crave men.
The feeling of a man on top of me just sends chills down my spine.
Making me bite my lip and catching my breath.
The man that showed me almost everything, the man that I love, the man I have know for years upon years and the man that was in charge.
Men....
They drive me wild.
11/26/06
( Dad )
Last night I had a dream. But it was all to real.
Remembering how you looked isn't something that I fancy in doing.
Remembering your laugh, your smell and the way you act I can handle.
But remembering how yellow you was, how skinny you became. How your body became so weak.
Remembering that day that you took your last breath.
Then drifted off into a world that no one really knows of but have heard of.
Remembering the pain, the sadness and that good bye.
It haunts me every once in a while.
It terrorizes me.
11/25/06
When you look at me, I want to burn my flesh.
When you touch me, I want to cut off the piece you just touched.
You make me feel so dirty,
You make me hate sex.
You make me fear men, afraid they are all just like you.
I want to puke.
Leave me alone, don't touch me no more.
Just stop.....
Stop it.
11/25/06
There is something that needs to be said.
But every time I try to tell you, it just wont come out.
Being a mute, my mouth opens but the words they are stuck.
My head is pounding, getting upset because I kept thinking, say it damn it.
But I can't, maybe I never will.
Maybe some things are just better left unsaid...
11/25/06
Your such a good man.
Caring for everyone and anything. Anytime I need you your there.
I've known you since I was practically a baby.
Stopping by the house to play baseball with me when my friends decided not to show.
Telling me when my grandfather had died, and there for me when my dad died.
You're there. Kinda like the brother I never had.
11/25/06
Giving up isn't easy to do....
I know I'm not your responsibility, and even sometimes a hassle.
I've stopped but it hasn't been easy.
Stopping of bringing that blade to my arm and drawing the tears.
I find at times the need is there. I won't lie.
But I won't.
I can't.
11/22/06
It's time to say goodbye.
You wont even notice or miss that I'm gone.
It's just time that I continue.
Maybe it's wrong.
Or maybe it's something that I just need to do.
11/22/06
All I ever want, is to be loved.
Knowing there is no where, or feeling that you just don't belong.
Trees outside my window, I could only wish to be like them.
Growing confidently and never stopping.
Bold.
Beautiful.
Strong.
If only I could be like that....
Stopping for nothing.
11/22/06
I miss you. I miss you so much.
I love you. More than you can ever imagine.
Someday I am going to work out through things.
And hopefully it will all be okay.....
I know your lonely. I'm sorry for that.
Please don't feel that way.
Things can only make us stronger, please see that.
I know you love me. I know you'll never stop.
Don't worry mommy. Don't worry.
11/23/06
Last night I was emotionally beat.
My mind being thrown into so many twists I didn't know what to do.
Last night I was in pain.
I know I am supposed to get used to it but it's to hard.
You was there.... your always there.
The one thing I feel like I can count on.
Making me feel at home.
11/23/06
Being torn. Don't know what to do. Going up and going down.
11/24/06
New beginnings and new jobs.
The leaves are dying, the grass is frost.
Being here and then there.
So much to choose, so much has changed.
So little time, the clock beating faster and faster.
Home is not anymore, but just an abandoned house....
Home is where the friends are now.
Friends who will never leave.
11/24/06
Ever wonder what happens when you die? Are we forced to confront everything that we ever did? Are we forced into making a decision on what we choose to do?
When I die, will I be punished?
For every decision that I ever made, for feelings that I feel, and for how I got there?
What is it?
11/24/06
Why is it that I have to always upset someone?
Being there, simply existing seems to upset people.
The one person I am scared to upset, I just did.
I don't know why I stayed last night. I couldn't sleep because I just kept thinking, this isn't my home. And this morning I got all excited when I realized, I'm going home now.
Please understand that, please.
Any time I need you, your there. And I know right now, your thinking this is a step back..... but for me it was a step forward because I realized a lot last night. I had to confront what I was feeling. I did that.
11/11/04
Sometimes I close my eyes and imagine me in the rain. My head and toes drenched in tears. I wash away the pain.
The wind will blow, I become so clean. I'm torn outside in, the process is so slow. My skin is wet , my heart has deflated. Nothing there , no tears of being hated.
You cant see the scars , but only in my eyes. The scars of heart ache, sorrows and goodbyes. I'm standing in the rain bare it all, rain running up my toes to my head. I'm new. I've risked it all.
11/21/04
( Shawn )
To hear your voice, makes me smile. My heart into my stomach back on up to my throat of the sight of you. My breath has escaped into the wind. My feet raised from the ground about the clouds. Nothing is impossible with you....
So deep in love.
11/20/06
Maybe some people are just not meant to be happy. Maybe some people are just naturally miserable. Maybe that's me.
I died two years ago. No on noticed...
Maybe they are supposed to notice me.
Or maybe, just maybe their not.
11/20/06
Where am I?
I think that no matter where I am, I just don't belong.
I feel scared,
so alone.
Sitting in a room , so pretty , so clean, trying to make it my own.
Looking at those photos, and remembering the past.
I'm trying to look forward but my tears keep bringing me back.
For three days now, I have been crying.
I came into the room and lay down and bawl. I have no right to be sad, but those feelings are there. Knowing I am loved, but feared why?
Maybe if I hide in my room, they will forget that I am here, forget just like everyone else.
Who am I?
I look in the mirror and think to myself,
who the hell is that?
11/15/06
It has to happen. I got to go. She wishes that you would just forget about me. And even though I know that wont happen, it's still a fear that I have.
Your here now, but then you'll be gone. I know that it wont be to long till I will see you again, but when?
I know I can do it, I know I can hang in there. I've done it to many times before. But I wont lie, it's going to be hard.
11/13/06
I can see it happening. I can see it starting. For what I feared, seems to be beginning to happen, your here but your not. You swore it would be okay, that I could stay there. But you retracted your word, and now I'm alone. Are you going to be happy, I'm in a warm less house?
Bundled up in blankets , but still no heat?
You wanted to see if I could make it own my own.
Being in a house that will have no heat, then water, or even electric.
All alone.
Is that what you wanted?
11/11/06
Last night my world turned black.
Walking down the stairs, I tried so hard to fight it but by the time I reached my car, her car, the tears came flying down.
I couldn't breath.
Being pulled in different ways. Later that night I started to feel the need to show myself I cause my pain, because I wont stop it.
On in the inside I was screaming, JUST DO IT ALREADY!!!!! IT HELPS!
But I fought the urge. Your stronger than this. My cat later ended up slicing my hand up. So I didn't have to do it in the end. But once she did that, I realized it didn't help. It only hurt. That was stupid. I'm glad I didn't do it. She proved to me that I don't need that in my life anymore.
I don't need that.
Not anymore.
11/08/06
( Shawn )
Why can't I give up on you? I truly have tried to. You did something that proves how much you care about me. Even if it may have been wrong. I love you. I want to be able to wake up every morning with you laying beside me. But I know that cant happen. God I love you. I just love you so much. Just tell me the truth for once please. Or is it to late?
11/02/06
I'm sorry, I know I shouldn't always expect you to run and save the day. I know you love me.
But I wouldn't be surprised if at times you wanted to kill me. Nor would I blame you.
I can't help it, I get scared being a lone, and to hear your voice, I don't feel that way.
I know I need to stop though. It's just to hard. You care about me in a way I never had before. I just don't know anymore.
11/08/06
I was just at her place, I had fun but didn't belong there. I came home and mom was trying to figure out where I am going.
His place was the one that seemed right. Yet right now, I don't belong there either. Thats the problem, I don't belong anywhere. Not even in my own home right now. Sometimes I feel like I'm the one who needs to be on the island of misfits. Where do I belong? It hurts so bad right now because I just don't know. I feel so alone.
She said I can stay with her, there's just no room for my things.
Is it my things, or me?
I feel like everyone is moving on but me.
I know I'm loved,
I know I'm loved,
I am loved.....
Why am I alone?
11/08/06
( Shawn )
I love you. You I believe, are my soul mate.
You also helped these scars that are on my arms. I don't know maybe I'm crazy. Maybe I loved you to much. I cant do this anymore.
She told me I'm not fighting hard enough for you. But you're killing me.
Please see that.
I love you , but your killing me.
I fought enough, it's time to rest.
11/07/06
I used to sit on my swing and stare into the sky. I wanted to touch it. So often I could.
The higher I got, feeling the wind on my face with my eyes closed.
The sun's heat beating on my face. The higher I got, I had to catch my breath....
I could fly.
11/07/06
I was driving when a song came on the radio that makes me thing of you.
When I stayed with you for a while, I remember hearing this song almost every time I got in the car.
Your right, no one will ever love me like you do.
For as much as it should scare me, I find it comforting.
11/07/06
( Shawn )
Although it probably was a mistake in hearing your voice. I am happy that I did. I called him crying after talking to you. No answer, afraid I would have to be alone. I curled up in a ball and I bawled my eyes out. You know how much I love you.
But then he called, and was there in a heartbeat. He always is. No matter what, he is there. The only person who wont lie to me and I can count on. I love you both. In different ways and I don't want to choose. But in the end, I know you was there for me, but your not a constant. So if I have to choose, I choose him. I love him. I'm scared to not have him in my life. I like that I can be myself with him and love who that is.
He's always there.
My best friend.
11/06/06
Grab me.
Throw me down.
Squeeze my breasts.
Fuck me hard.
Bite my neck
Make me scream.
Smack my ass.
Make it hurt.
.And just fuck me hard.
11/06/06
Look at me. I wish I could know what it is you think.
I was just asked yesterday, if you were to walk out of my life right now, how would I feel.....
Devastated. I don't ever look for us to fade away. You enjoy me as much as I enjoy you.
How is it that two people that are as different as day and night, be such good friends?
I don't care to know. All I know is that your here.
11/05/06
I'm starting to believe, that were not meant to end up with our first loves.
11/05/06
Today after we talked, I haven't been able to stop thinking about you. Your my best friend and I love you so much. There isn't nothing I wouldn't do for you.
It kills me to see you hurt.
It hurts me to know I can't fix your problems for you.
I'm sorry.
11/04/06
Tonight I felt sexy and you noticed.
I even noticed you. Odd it may be a man I have know my whole life. I saw you standing there, the music playing loudly in the back. We made small talk about my birthday and you looked at my breasts.
Yeah you saw me.
I'm not that little girl anymore that cries to you, needing advice. I'm a woman now, with breasts. You saw me. Loved the way you looked at me. Like I truly was sexy.
11/02/06
I remember Christmas eves when I was younger. The air so clod that when you breathed it in, you loved life, and it felt like a new start by cleaning your whole soul over.
Walking into the house smelling mom frying the fish, getting ready to go to my grandparents. Of course my dad would be sleeping and we would yell at him to get up before we were late. He would stumble downstairs and head into the bathroom. As we would sigh and grind our teeth, he was always a late person.
Finally we would get up to my grandparents. They lived on a hill with an over look of Butler. I would go sit in the kitchen with the lights off and look down on our city.
All the lights made the city look pure, loving and full of life. I would just sit there and stare and think.
11/02/06
Sometimes I feel as if I am stuck in a circle. I keep going round and round and try and push my self out but the force seems so strong that it keeps pulling me back in.
Help me.
Help pull me out.
11/02/06
I remember like yesterday, me and my dad walking on the beach in West Virgina as the sun started to fade away. Just me and him walking side to side looking for sea shells. The first time I ever experienced the beauty of the beach and the sun setting. Nothing else matters when your in a moment like that. You realize how precious everything in life is. The feeling of the sand between your toes. And the smell in the air. It's a gift. Life's a gift.
11/01/06
I need to get out of here. Just take me away. We're not leaving soon enough.
Just tell me, not much longer and promise me, it's gonna be alright. Just take me away.
11/01/06
Please see me, understand who I am. I am a big part of the man you so dearly love. So why does it seem at times you don't love me?
You may try and keep me close, but your method is failing miserably. If anything your pushing me away.
Please understand, I do need you, but I need others to. I need to continue to grow. You are just gonna have to accept that.
11/01/06
I feel sorry for men who force themselves on women. For one day, you'll meet the wrong woman who will give you what you deserve. You had it coming. Only yourself to blame.
11/01/06
Why is it that everyone thinks it is so wrong for a man and a woman to be friends? After years of finding the wrong friend. I finally found one. I always connected better with men and there you were. Someone I trust with my deepest darkest secret.
To everyone, our relationship isn't right. And we must be something more. But were not, and our relationship is the only normal thing I know right now.
11/01/06
That day I realized a lot. It was the day that I decided to try pot. Your asking for trouble in doing it with someone you don't trust. And make sure you do it with people you don't mind knowing the truth. Don't be stupid, like I was.
11/01/06
I love this house, yet sometimes I feel as if it's eating me alive. Every once in a while I swear I hear you come up the stairs.
There has been good memories. But it's time to make new ones. Time to get out of here and time to move on.
11/01/06
( Shawn )
So many times you promised you would show. I'll be there at four, you would say. So I would stay downstairs, sitting at the table, getting my hopes up while waiting. Four would turn into five, then six refusing to move, afraid I would miss you. Next thing I know it's ten o'clock. I know deep down your not coming, yet I leave the light on and go to bed so that you know, I'm here.
This happened not once, not even just twice. I always put my life on hold for you when you promised me things. How stupid was I? You would never show up, not even a phone call. Thats hours I cant get back of my life. Hours I could have spent doing something else. But I didn't because I love you that much.
11/01/06
( Shawn )
I wish I could forget I ever meet you. I don't want to love you anymore. Just leave my thoughts, and leave my dreams. I cant love you anymore. It's to hard and it hurts to bad.
11/01/06
Little girl, I love you to much. I've seen how angry you've been when you see me and I know why.
You have cried and you have begged, telling me you want me to stay. Honey you know you will always be my favorite person, but someday you will understand that this is something that I just have to do.
I was finding myself thinking there that you were mine. But no matter what I wish, your not. I love you so much. And you are the reason why it is so hard to leave. But you know, no matter what, I'm always there, and you'll always have a home.
11/01/06
( Effexor )
How is it that something that is supposed to make you feel better, only makes things that much worse?
Years I felt trapped as a prisoner under your spell. Dark thoughts overwhelmed my body and soul everyday.
Everyday for seven years. Feeling like being forced into a room with no windows and no lights. But I did it. I escaped. Happier than I ever was. Freer than I ever knew I could be. Able to open up my voice for once. No longer trapped in that room, there's plenty of windows and a door that's wide open. I love this feeling.
03/07/06
My cuts are deep, my cries they bleed. Why is it that no one can see how badly I hurt?
I just need to be held, and told that it's alright.
I feel so alone, everyone seems to be gone. The scars are on the inside, screaming to come out.
It hurts and I'm scared. Just make it stop.
03/06
Every time I see you, I think about what it would be like to hold you in my arms. When I look into your eyes, I see the passion burning bright. One that I want so badly to try.
08/06
I saw you standing there. You was looking right at me yet you never even seen me. Why do I want you so bad? Why do I want you to grab me and devour me? I have wants, I have needs.
I crave you. I want it to last long, I want it to be hard, thrusting yourself into me, showing me what a man really is.
God how I want you.
09/06
You think that life is over, you think that your alone. You think that I don't understand, how everything keeps going wrong.
But you don't see, you just don't see me. Open up your eyes and tit your head up. They world keeps on turning. Our hearts still beating strong. You'll never see the world when you look at everything like it's black.
There's other colors going round and the earth is moving strong. But you don't see, you just don't see me. I know what its like, I was there too. Even though we are in different worlds, I still love him also.
The world may have stopped that day and the rain may have came down. The earth started to grow strong again, and I am standing on solid ground. But you don't see.
Why cant you just see...... me?
08/06/06
I know before long, your gonna be gone. No one ever seems to stay. I am already attached, but I know I must prepare for the worse. Because in the end, I always seem to end up alone.
08/09/06
Ever since the other day, I play our conversation out in my head. Oh God how bad I want you. But I know, down inside, it just isn't right. I can imagine, how it would work out. I imagine all the time what it would be like.
I want you.
I want you.
08/06/06
You caught me, you know it's you that I want and you that I crave. You know the right words to say, to make me go weak in the knees. You know that with the right words, my clothes will come off. Why do you tease me?
Grab me, tell me that it's me that you want to have sex with. That I can turn you on. Kiss me like I have never been kissed before. Touch me, send chills down my spine. Want me like there is no tomorrow.
08/06/06
( Shawn )
Life without you scares me. I don't know if I can move on. You felt like the missing part of me that makes me whole. But your not here. Your with her. Why cant you just admit that it's me you love? I know you do.
Your my soul mate, my world. I trust you with my life , and even my heart. But when I see you, it just breaks because I am reminded of my best friend, the one I love and want to spend the rest of my life with. The one I cant have.
( Unknown date )
( Dad )
The nightmare that I have drown of the world. The sky is black and everyone frowns. The disappointment that I brought to you, the sadness that I caused brings death to my eyes and tears to my heart. With out knowing of that day, that blood appeared so thin.....
Of the cries that you said so quietly. The head that hung down so low of pain, and the heart that divided into two. The scars are so deep inside, and the bruising is so visible. Never will I know, the feeling of that day. How you felt to have that wall crumble down to the ground.
( Unknown date )
( Shawn )
There hasn't been one day that I haven't loved you. Not a day that I haven't cried for you. I think of the time when we first meet. And then it came to that day when I could say. I love you, I love him.....
So many cries over the phone, you was always there. A cry to you , your arms around me saying “ I'll never leave you.” Days full of regret, of never telling you the truth. Truth of a love that has come to be. My best friend, my strength, my love. If only you could know. From what has been, a stranger, then a man who ended as my crush. Then my love.
I love you. I just hope that some day I can move on.
( Unknown date )
I close my eyes and I see your face. I close my eyes and everything tends to spin. My heart is racing, my pulse has stopped. The world is crazy with skies of gray and grass of brown. The trees are calling but the birds are down. The children are walking with their heads hung low. Walking in line, they are all the same. All to the same drum without a base. As one child skips a heartbeat, the other tends to cry. The grass is changing, so many things to feel.
With old friends and new, with new loves and gone. The world changes each day. A new book has started with pretty new pages lined in gold. It's the older lined in silver starting to end, but begging a new sequel. With hearts that are broken, and ones that are fixed. With memories that are more than pictures and pictures fading into memories. One is reborn and the other left to hang. Everything starts and ends. It's all the same with times of tears and times of laugh. It all restarts with the grass as brown, the skies as gray. The children with no hope and face touching the ground. But the grass turns green with that one single flower. The clouds have faded away and turning into blue. The children have hopes filled past their heads. The base becomes loud with some laughter in the air.
( Unknown date )
He speaks those words that make me crawl. My head turned down as the tears fill my face. I tried so hard to smooth things over, but it only became worse. No one can help me, or choose not to. Hiding inside, afraid to move. So scared to walk, afraid he will be by watching me. I want to cry. Afraid he will hurt me.
Just make it end.
08/05/06
As my fingers run lightly over my lips, I have images of you flash through out my mind. Wondering what it would be like to taste you, even if it is just once. Like a feather, I run my fingers down my neck, going towards my breasts, firmly grabbing them as I picture you laying on top of me, begging me to let you become one with me, as never done before. As I cry out in pleasure, wanting, begging for more, my hand runs down to my legs and parts the tightness from each other. I picture you loving me, as I love myself. I want you..... I need you.
01/05/06
You walk around acting like your shit don't stink. Why do you I even bother to care what you think about me?
Always acting like you don't give a fuck When in all reality, your the weakest one I know.
Look at the women you seem to choose. Look at them, they are nothing but whores.
But hey, it's your life, do what ever you want. At least I know who I am.
11/27/06
( Dad )
Sometimes I lay in bed, wondering where you are. Are there different places up in heaven?
Way beyond the sky?
I know you are here. You are there to protect me. I feel so safe.
The selfish part of me just wants you back. I just want you to always be here, to be able to see you.
It's when I realize that your not, that makes me want to cry. But knowing that there is someone up there on my side, gives me hope, that fills through the rest of my life. God I miss you daddy, more than you could ever know. But I trust that someday we will be together again.
10/28/06
No longer will words cause scars on my body. I will not be silent. For it is better to scream my thoughts out loud, then to keep them in blood. I am stronger than that. Thats not who I really am. Just look at me. I've changed. Love me for who I am now. Now a woman, not a broken down child. The world keeps changing. I can see more of around me. I cant fear anymore of what I don't know, or even understand. I realized that now it is my time to jump. Everyone had their chance but me. If I make the wrong choice, and end up getting hurt. That will be marks that will stay with me saying, I was brave enough to try it. Better these scars then the scars of weakness.
( Unknown date )
Don't breath, don't speak, don't even open up your eyes. They'll hear you, they'll see you. No matter what you do. They've got you trapped in their own world. Face it, there's no where to hide, they've got you trapped.
10/28/06
It's funny how sometimes with you, I feel like a child. Awaiting your hand to tell me it's alright. I sense peace, safety, and comfort in your reach. Knowing as long as your in my life, then no matter what, it will be okay.
I know I can be me with you and no matter what, you never judge and you always seem to love me. You want to show me life. Making it so much less scary. What you have done for me. The things you opened my eyes to. Every time I am with you, I learn something new. You make me love me.
You make me see me.
10/29/06
Confessing something that has been kept silent since I was thirteen years old. Something that happened about nine years ago. Keeping me scared, wanting to scream it out loud but never could. Last night was the first. I knew what would happen when I would speak those words. Terrified to say them. Felt like my world was turned upside down. Wanting to cry, but didn't need to. Afraid of what he might think. When I told him the truth. I tried so hard not to look at him. Confessing to a man, what another had done. But now I don't feel as scared. I feel like everything is going to be alright. Telling someone, especially one you love, made everything alright. I am no longer afraid. That ghost can finally rest.
10/30/06
( Dad )
I will never forget that day. That call to quickly get downstairs. I knew what I would find but didn't have time to fear it. Seeing you lay there, looking up towards the sky. Your eyes were like glass, your lips were like sandpaper.
Gasping for air, I knew it was time. I tried to get you air but instead you looked at mom, than me. Starring at me..... then you was gone. It all happened to fast. But At least you didn't suffer. Feeling you leave the room. I couldn't cry. I felt at ease. Making calls to let people know, mom screaming hysterically and I felt in control. I became you that day.
10/29/06
I looked outside, the leaves have changed. Yet I feel not as much as I have.
Sitting in a room with my best friend standing in the kitchen, staring every once in a while at his gorgeous wife.
Son sitting on the floor, watching Star Wars and baby girl sitting on a chair content while looking around, now pounding hands on her little table, just being heard.
And here's me, just writing, not expecting nor wanting really to be heard.
Thinking of where I should be, but content of where I am.
10/31/06
Poor kid, I see you sitting there in the chair, so unbelievably weak. Why does your body cause you to feel this way? An hour has passed. No word from the doctor. I can tell your tired and that you just want to sleep. Just please hand in there. Soon enough with hopefully one shot, you'll be brought back to normal and off to run and be you.
10/30/06
Why does it seem like sometimes you don't realize how much I love you?
Sitting here watching you while you sleep.
I just cant please you anymore. And I am so tired of even trying.
11/21/06
Here I am. Can you see me? Now there is a quietness between the two of us. The season is changing, are we? I don't think so, but yet something is different.