Classroom Vs Bedroom My Economics professor was a great
teacher but he also had a lot of rules for his class: no
chewing gum, no reading newspapers, no soft drinks. 027121 loves 079459 During our first days in college we got used to filling out flurries of forms that required our ID numbers, not our names. Just how memorable those numbers were soon become obvious. Entering a classroom building one day, I saw a line of graffiti scrawled on the stairwell: "027121 loves 079459." Letters Perfect I called my son, a second year student,
one day and heard this message on his answering machine: Is It !!?! The school of agriculture's dean of
admissions was interviewing a prospective student.
"Why have you chosen this career ?" he asked. Bi - Tri - Forceps We had to dissect frogs and rats in our biology class. Often, I was ridiculed for my rather untidy work by our lab assistant. Once when a friend and I were discussing working out at the gym, the lab assistant overheard me and said, "Biceps and triceps apart. why don't you do something worthwhile with your forceps?" Verbal Silences Eager to know the result of a physics
examination he had taken, my brother asked his teacher,
"How far am I from getting the best possible mark in
this course?" Our MICROBIOLOGY lecturer was discussing the classification of bacteria. "A spherical bacterial unit is called a coccus," he said. "If it is seen in clusters, it is a staphylococcus. If it is seen in a chain, it is a streptococcus. And if it seen in twos, it is diplococcus." Came a voice from the back of the room, "So a coccus is known by the company it keeps." Cell-talk As we took notes, our anatomy instructor
laboured through a lecture on the way nerve cells
transmit impulses. "Who can tell me how these cells
communicate with one another?" he asked, expecting
someone to explain the phenomenon of neurotransmission. Master Stroke During one of our immunology classes at
college, a loud buzzing sound started coming through an
air vent. Obviously distracted by the noise, our lecturer
stopped talking every few minutes and looked up at the
vent. Finally he asked, "Is that noise annoying you
as much as me?" Boomerang My nephew Scott returned from his first
day at school complaining that the chairs were too hard.
He felt better when his mother said she'd make a cushion
for him to sit on. Date? The fourth and fifth standard students were required to date the entries in their journals, but one young fellow neglected to do so. I marked "Date?" beside his entry. The next time I reviewed his journal, I spotted his response to my query: "I'm too young." In a Class of their Own While I was talking to a parent of one of my students, another teacher walked by. The mother, remarking how beautiful the woman was, said, "If my son had her for a teacher, he wouldn't be able to concentrate." Then she passed and added, "Good thing he has you." Size Matters !! In preparation for my country-dancing
class, my mother gave me the cowboy boots she had worn
while working as a horse trainer. In class, a girl
complimented me on my boots. "My mother got them
before I was born," I explained. Coming To Terms The eighth-standard students were
discussing plans to raise funds for a class trip. Does Your Mummy Know ... ? I was deeply engrossed in my work,
painting a mural on the waiting room wall of a children's
hospital. Suddenly I became aware of a little girl of
about four, staring at me in total amazement. Eyes On The Prize On vacation my nine-year-old son, Ryan,
and I were at the pool, where two attractive women
wearing bikinis were sunning themselves. I noticed that
Ryan kept staring at them, but he would occasionally
glance back at me. When they got up to leave, Ryan
watched them particularly closely. Black & White Checking out of the grocery store, I
noticed a boy eyeing my two adopted children. They often
draw scrutiny, since my son's a blond Russian, while my
daughter has shiny black Haitian skin. The boy continued
staring as he carried our groceries to the car. Finally
he asked, "Those your kids?" No.. Not Again.. After playing in the garden, a friend's
four-year-old son announced that he had a stone stuck in
his ear. She rushed him to hospital to have it removed,
and the doctor extracted the stone fairly easily.
"How on earth did you manage to get this stuck
?" the doctor asked the child. Now Generation When I heard the sound of the ice-cream van's bell and saw my front door wide open, I suspected that my 2½-year-old son had run outside. As I caught up with him, I saw that he was clutching something in his hand. It was my credit card. Point of no return We received this note from our 13-year-old granddaughter : "Thanks for the cheque. I will use it to buy one of the many things my parents say are a waste of money." New View As a volunteer who conducts educational tours of a zoo, I occasionally receive thank-you notes from members of school groups. One of my favourites said: "Dear Molly, I am a third standard student. I loved all the animals in the zoo. You were the best of all. Love, Theresa." Grand Impressions When I was pregnant with my third child,
my mother came to help with my two boys, ages four and
six. Mum, who we call Mimi, also cleaned and scrubbed the
whole house. The smell of her favourite cleaning agents
often lingered in the air. After the baby was born, Mimi
returned home. Papier Mash When our three sons were small, one of
them had difficulty counting. I tried to help by tearing
up small pieces of paper and giving one piece to each
boy, saying, "Pretend these are ice creams."
Then I collected the papers one at a time, counting
"one," then "two," then...
"Where's yours, Richard?" Syntax Error Once upon a time there was a young man
who wanted to become a great writer. "I want to
write things the whole world will read," he
declared. "Stuff that will elicit strong emotions
from people in every walk of life. I want my writing to
make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger." Scroll Up! My husband, a computer-systems
trouble-shooter, rode with me in my new car one
afternoon. He had been working on a customer's computer
all morning and was still tense from the session. My friend won a prize in a crossword competition on computer programming language. To his amusement the prize was a copy of the book Programming for Dummies. Data B(l)ank Just before entering the examination
hall, I overheard two students talking in the corridor.
One pointed to his head and said, "It feels like a
jumbled-up data bank!" Screen Saver One breezy autumn afternoon the leaves from our wooded backyard appeared to be raining down from the sky. My five-year-old son, Carlos, was standing at the patio door watching the colourful spectacle. "Look, Mum!" he exclaimed. "It's just like a screen saver!" Clean Bowled A group of students visit a police
department. Johny sees a sign with photos of the most
wanted robbers. He points at one of them and asks:
"Is this guy really dangerous?" Caring .. !!?! I was leaving a 24-hour grocery store
after midnight when it started to rain. I rushed to my
car and, once inside, noticed two women struggling to
open the door of the vehicle parked next to mine. Since
they were getting wet, I took my umbrella and covered
them, despite their uncertain looks. Late, but too early.. "I know we missed the plane," a woman tells her husband at the airport. "But it was just a matter of seconds, dear. And if you had not kept hurrying me all the time, we would have arrived later and would not have to wait so long for the next flight!" No Little Matter This When the waiter brings Joe's steak, Joe
notices that the guy is holding the dish with his thumb
clamped down on top of the meat. "What's the matter
with you?" demands Joe. "I don't want your
hands all over my food." With The Grain After the Soviet Minister of Agriculture
announced a harvest in a collective farm was very
disappointing, a journalist interviewed one of the
farmers. "No," said the worker, "it was a
normal harvest." Ego Blow US Newsman Walter Cronkite recalls the
following incident : Sailing back down the Mystic River
in Connecticut and following the channel's tricky turns
through an expanse of shallow water, I am reminded of the
time a boatload of young people sped past us here, its
occupants shouting and waving their arms. I waved back a
cheery greeting and my wife said, "Do you know what
they were shouting ?" Out-'FIT' Looking for a job after graduating, one young man was trying to think of a way to be noticed. He printed up an enlarged version of his one-page resume on 25 T-shirts and delivered them to prospective employers. With the shirts was a card saying : "Try me on. I guarantee I'll fit." No Understanding A man got into a taxi and asked the
driver to take him to town. The driver agreed and sped
off, quickly accelerating to 100 km per hour. The
passenger said meekly, "If possible, I want to get
there safe and sound." Final Exit While vacationing abroad, one of my
mother's friends, a school teacher, got into a taxi in
central London driven by a Pakistani. Emblazoned on the
inside of the rear passenger doors were large signs : on
the left door, it read "EXIST" and on the
right, "NO EXIST." Deciding to correct his
English, she said, "The word is 'exit', without the
's.'" Auto Suggestion Although I've been driving for many
years, I've never had to fill the car with petrol because
my protective husband always does it for me. One day,
however, the petrol gauge showed near empty and I decided
to try my hand at the self-service petrol pump.
Cautiously positioning the car just ahead of the pump as
I had seen my husband do, I carefully read the
instructions and proceeded to fill the tank. When the
attendant approached to collect my money, I happily
announced, "I've been during for 12 years and this
is the first time I've put petrol in my car." Cinema.. A friend of mine, Steve McQueen, worked
part-time at a local cinema and told me if I ever wanted
to see a movie to tell the ticket-seller that I knew him
and I'd get in free. I took advantage of this offer one
evening and told the woman that I was a friend of Steve
McQueen's. "Go on in," she said. Returning to his car after shopping, my friend discovered he'd left his keys in the ignition. A passerby stopped and offered us a wire coat hanger, which Jamie slid into the window casing, then popped the lock. "This hanger's great!" Jamie exclaimed. "I'm going to keep one in the car in case this ever happens again." Travel Log On vacation in Florida, I rented a motel
room which seemed fine until the day there was a
drenching rainstorm. That was when I discovered a bad
leak in the bathroom ceiling. Dog-geared A friend took her dog to the groomer for
a haircut and asked how much it would cost. Told that it
would be forty dollars, she was shocked, "I only pay
nine dollars for my own haircut," she said with
disdain. Some Idiot... A man crashed his car into a pole in a
remote country area. Walking kilometres to the nearest
village for help, he finally spotted a telephone booth.
When he found the line was dead, he kicked the kiosk
angrily. Bad Luck When two friends meet in the street, on
looked worried. Remote Control "Cash, cheque or card?" the
cashier asked after folding items the woman wished to
purchase. As the woman fumbled for her wallet, the
cashier noticed a remote control for a television set in
her purse. Dopey Dope Stupid instruction labels on products,
collected by wordsmith Richard Lederer: Gentlemen My wife and I visited a shop one weekend.
Arriving home, we realized we'd left our camera in the
store. We returned a few weeks later, and sure enough,
the salesman had the camera. Grand Sale The manager of a megastore came to check
on his new salesman. "How many customers did you
serve today?" the manager asked. Out Of Range !?! As a jewellery-store salesperson, I showed a customer a beautiful fresh-water pearl pendant. "That's a bit out of my range," he gasped when he saw the price tag. Without hesitation, he added, "Do you have anything with stale-water pearls?" College The university recognized rest
house for the restless Vocation Location Rock music
performance A stone's throw away. Language Something
we thought we handled well until we had to send a
telegram. Makes Sense To Me "When planets go round and round in circles we say they are orbiting. When people do it we say they are crazy." "A vibration is a motion that cannot make up its mind which way to go." "Genetics explain why you look like your father and if you don't why you should." "Vacuums are nothing. We only mention them to let them know we know they're there." Not a Bad Gesture While on vacation, my sister developed a
tooth ache. The hotel desk clerk recommended a dentist.
Susan, who dislikes heights, was horrified that he was
located on the 14th floor of a skyscraper, with two of
the office walls made entirely of glass. It's All Downhill It was the first day of our ski vacation
and conditions were perfect. But after three hours on the
slopes, I took a nasty spill and injured my knee. At the
medical center, I wailed, "Why did this have to
happen on my first day ? Why couldn't it have happened on
my last day ?" Wouldn't you know ? I accompanied my eight-months-pregnant
wife to her monthly checkup. We boarded the hospital's
elevator to go to the appropriate floor. The only other
passenger was an elderly man who studied her intently and
then said, "Boy." Too Much !! A dental surgeon,
had just opened a new practice in a small town.
Surrounded by various tools, he was busy fixing his name
plate to the wall outside when a woman stopped to watch.
"Good morning," she said. "Are you the new
dentist?" The mother of a large family came into my dental office with one of her preteen children who needed to have a tooth restored. I examined the child and told the mother that the girl had no problems with her teeth. "Oh, my goodness," the frazzled mother exclaimed, "I've brought the wrong kid!" No Kidding At a pharmacy, a woman asked to use the
infant scale to weigh the baby she held in her arms. The
clerk explained that the device was out for repairs, but
said she would estimate the infant's size by weighing the
woman and baby together on the adult scale, then weighing
the mother alone and subtracting the second amount from
the first. One
evening, my mother noticed a young man who resembled her
high school sweetheart. She approached him to ask if he
was her old boyfriend's son. Unfortunately, her phrasing
seemed odd. A woman in our diet
club was lamenting that she had gained weight. She'd made
her family's favourite cake over the weekend, she
reported, and they'd eaten half of it at dinner. 60 - 30 = 90 A married couple, both 60 years old, were
celebrating their 35th anniversary. During their party, a
fairy appeared to congratulate them and grant them each
one wish. The wife wanted to travel around the world. The
fairy waved her wand and poof! - the wife had
tickets in her hand for a world cruise. 1-2-3 .. My thirty-something husband recently got
his first pair of glasses, "just to see at
night." When he went to renew his driver's licence,
he thought he could pass the eye exam without them. Party Time My family tried unsuccessfully for years
to organise surprise birthday celebrations for my father.
No matter how covert we were, he always managed to find
out. But we thought we had him the year he turned forty.
Three weeks before his birthday, I came home for the
weekend from college, and my mother used the occasion to
arrange for the six of us to go to a favorite restaurant. Home Economics At an auction held in a small American
town, a 60-metre length of rope was being offered for
sale. One woman turned to her husband and said,
"That's just what you said you needed. Bid on
it!" Gr(eat)and Pa.. While I was working for a photofinishing
company, we received a reprint order for an old
black-and-white photograph of a man milking a cow. Some
friends were on the beach in a holiday mood. They all
lined up at the water's edge facing Mum, who was
preparing to take a photograph. The family smiled into
the camera. "Wave!!" shouted Mum. Our
daughter's marriage counsellor also has a counselling
group for deaf couples. He has noticed that the deaf
raise their hands higher than usual when they use sign
language to express strong feelings. The stronger the
emotion, the higher go their hands. While we were
fishing, my son hooked a really large fish. When I tried
to catch it with the net, I slipped down the bank and
fell in the water. Lost Keys Because my grandmother mislays her keys,
I bought her a key tag that beeps in response to certain
sounds. She decided on the word "Mama." All Decided Holidays are no problem for us. My wife decides where we are going, my boss when we are going, and my bank for how long we are going. Marketing Magic My husband took our young daughter to the
grocery store with him. They returned with a box of
sugar-laden biscuits in addition to the healthy items on
my carefully prepared shopping list. Noticing my glare,
he commented, "This box of biscuits has one-third
fewer calories then usual." Starstruck My friend read her son's horoscope and
thought it quite appropriate. "You've spent the last
few weeks looking for escape," it said. "But
now it's time to get on with your life." Out of Business My wife and I were working at a
furniture-store liquidation sale. We were accepting
fairly low bids, but one man proved a particularly tough
customer. He pointed to a couch that originally cost
$1000, marked down to $300. "I'll give you $20 for
it," he said. Cartoon Quips Personnel director to new employee : "Our pension plan is a bit unusual. When you retire, we buy you 50 lottery tickets and wish you good luck." I Spied "I would like to speak to the
boss." Day's Work Some of my co-workers and I decided to
remove the small wooden suggestion box from our office
because it had received so few entries. We stuck the box
on top of a two-metre-high metal storage cabinet and then
promptly forgot about it. BOSS TO OFFICE STAFF :"I'm back! Did everyone enjoy my vacation?" How's Business Weatherman : Unpredictable Smart Reply "So you want another day off,"
snorted the office manager to his clerk. "I'm
anxious to hear what excuse you have this time. You've
been off for your grandfather's funeral four times
already." A Foot in the Door In writing his resume for a full-time
job, an applicant described his summer job as purchasing,
being responsible for the accuracy of daily cash
transactions, and maintaining the morale, alertness and
well-being of the entire office staff. On a sign outside a
lawyer's office : While driving one day, a sign in a shop window caught my eye. It read: "Shoot the kids and frame your mother-in-law." I was relieved to discover the shop was a photographer's studio. Deep Silence A true story from the Japanese Embassy in US (Sep 2000) : Prime Minister Mori was given some basic
English conversation training before he visits Washington
and meets with President Bill Clinton. The instructor
told Mori "Prime Minister, when you shake hand with
President Clinton, please say 'How are you'. Then Mr.
Clinton would say 'I am fine, and you ?' Now you should
say 'Me too'. Afterwards we translators will do all the
work for you." State of Confusion A relative of a friend of mine emigrated
to the US many years ago but is still unsure of some
American traditions. While watching the news one evening,
she observed Ronald Reagan signing a bill into law, using
several pens in the process. After signing the final
document, he raised the hand holding the pen, and gave a
victory sign. Sn-Oratory There are speakers so windy they should be called gusts of honour. Have you heard.. ..... About the optimistic candidate who voted for his opponent and lost the election by one vote? Small Talk A British Parliamentary private
secretary, touring Devon in a car, lost his way and
enquired of a stalwart Devonian, "Where am I?" "Have
you ever had a mental block when you're trying to spell a
word?" I asked my husband. I told him that I had
wanted to withdraw $40 that day from our account, but I
couldn't remember if 40 was spelled "fourty" or
"forty." My husband and I
often spell words so our small children won't understand
what we're saying. I didn't realize what a habit this had
become until one day when my husband and I were in a
grocery store. An aggressive young woman banged into our
cart, then nudged me over, blocking my access to the
soup. Annoyed, I looked at my husband and said,
"Boy, is she r-u-d-e." While attending university, a friend asked a few of us how to organize his final report. One of us suggested he use Roman numerals to head the different sections. "I thought of that," he said, "but my keyboard doesn't have Roman numerals on it." Great Gatecrasher In 1962 the King of Greece came to India in a state visit. Welcoming him, President Sarvepalli Radhakrishnan said, "Your Majesty, you are the first king of Greece to come as our guest. Alexander came uninvited." He was such a pessimist that he saw the rainbow only in black and white. In a newspaper: "Lost: Golf club. Last seen flying out of my hands from the bluff of the parade grounds to the block below. Was not thrown in anger or under the influence. Was raining and the grip was wet - I swear." Name of a body-piercing jewellery shop in California: Just Passing Thru What Was That Again ? An advertisement
in the Sunday Mail, South Africa, reads: Advertisement in the Employment News : "The temporary posts are likely to continue indefinitely and the permanent post will be filled initially on temporary basis." From a classified
advertisement in The Sunday Statesman, Calcutta: Thief of Time A young lawyer was defending a tramp accused of stealing a watch. Pleading the case with passion, he was so convincing that the jury absolved the defendent. With tears running down his cheeks, the tramp said to the lawyer, "I haven't any money to pay you for such a great defence, but here is the watch. Take it, and thank you!" We call them the "Good Old Days" because we weren't good, we weren't old - and we were talking about the nights." Yours Sincerely The American preacher Henry Ward Beecher
was handed a note one Sunday morning before the service.
It contained a single word : fool.
The shortest
piece of science fiction ever written is :
"That morning the sun rose in the west." Sign Language Sign at
dining-room entrance of Argentinian hotel : Photographer's
advertisement : Different Moods Cattle owner : Sheepish Not Again !!! "To gain self-confidence, you must
avoid using negative words such as can't and not,"
the counsellor advised the young lady. "Do you think
you could do that?" When English batsman Allan Lamb scored a century against New Zealand, The Hindu headlined the feat : "Kiwi Attack Proves Meat and Drink to Lamb." Counsellor :
"What first attracted you to this woman?" "Where are you
going, wearing such a frown on your face?" a
man asked a friend. Signboard outside a Bombay shop : "Zerox copies done in all Languages." Headline on a review of a film from Turkey : "All Turkish, No Delight." A colleague at the
airport found a cell phone in one of the boarding areas.
She switched it on, hoping a caller would identify the
owner. It rang and she answered, but there was no
response. When it rang a second time, another woman
employee answered it and the same thing happened. News item in the Free Press Journal : Dr. Indu Balagopal, honorary secretary of the Mobile Creches, has been awarded the Indira Gandhi Memorial Trophy in recognition of her services for uplifting the statues of women in India." |