The Drinker's Alphabet
A- Alcohol: The key to surviving college
B- Beer: It's whats for dinner
C- Class: What you're supposed to get up and go to after a Thursday night party
D- Dancing: A favorite pastime of almost every drunk, usually looks pathetic
E- Emergency: The keg is empty or there is no one over 21 in your drinking party
F- Fucked Up: Signified by leaning over a toilet puking your guts out
G- Games: Anything that involves cards, quarters and chugging beers
H- Hang-over: Reminds you of how great last night was and how much you drank
I- IA: The Klan that really knows how to drink alcohol
J- Jail: Where you'll end up after trying to use a fake ID or stagger home
K- Kissing: What you'll do to anything that moves after 15 beers
L- Lord: Person you beg to get you out of every situation involving alcohol
M- Money: That which you no longer have due to too much partying
N- Not Again!: What you scream when you wake up beside someone you don't know
O- Oh shit!- What you say as you're falling down the stairs.
P- Pee: What you have to do every five minutes while you're drinking beer
Q- Quilt: What you puked on last night in bed and have to clean in the morning-YUCK!
R- Reform: What you promise god you will do while you're puking in the toilet
S- Sex: What you did with that person you met last night while you were drunk
T- Twenty-four: The number of beers it takes ME to get drunk
U- Underage: Most of the drinking population in college town
V- Vodka: The mother of all alcohols and the best way to make Jello
W- Worm: The part of Tequila that reminds you of the porcelin god
X- X-Ray: How they can see into your stomach before they pump it (detox)
Y- Yourself: The one who drinks WAY TOO MUCH every week-end
Z- Zima: Zomething Different
Driving While Intoxicated
It seems that a gentleman had over-imbibed at a party, then was heading home, when he was pulled over by a state trooper. Upon being tested, the fellow couldn't walk a straight line any more than he could drive one, so the trooper wrote out a ticket and had just given it to the driver before an accident in the opposite lane took his attention to more important matters.
The inebriated driver, figuring that the trooper wasn't coming back to him, drove home and went to bed. He was awakened in the morning by a knock at the door, greeted by two more state troopers.
"Are you Mr. Jones?", the troopers asked? He admitted that he was.
"Where you pulled over at 8th Street last night for driving under the influence? " Again, the man admitted that he was.
"And what did you do then," the troopers asked." The man replied that he drove his car home and went to bed.
"Where is your car now?" the troopers enquired. The man answered that it was in the garage.
"May we see the car?" asked the troopers. The man answered, "Sure, " and opened the garage.
Inside was the state trooper's car.
IRC Lies
No, I am not busy talking to anyone else...computer is just slow !!
Oh, I didn't see you last night, something is wrong with my Buddy List!
Oh, I didn't hear you come in, I've got my sound turned off!
Oops! The web window is in front of my buddy list, didn't see you!
MAN! I kept getting booted last night ...got so frustrated I signed off for the night
SORRY THIS IS NOT WHO YOU THINK IT IS... I AM A FRIEND JUST USING THEIR COMPUTER. THEY ARE OUT RIGHT NOW, I WILL TELL THEM YOU ASKED FOR THEM
No... I didn't fall asleep...I just don't type that fast
So... not that I am that kind of guy...but what are your measurements if I may ask ???
I could stand to lose a couple of pounds...(meaning... I am fat! but you can't see me! neener neener neener!)
You are NOT ugly... and if you send me your picture I will STILL talk to you... don't be silly"
Yeah... I am not as blessed as some men...I only have 8 inches
I can't talk right now, I'm busy writing email!
Yes, I am married but my wife doesn't understand me
I got an invite for a private chat, thought it was you When I got there, it was empty, so I waited, thinking you would show up
NO, I'm not cybering with someone. I'm talking to my mom and sister in private !!
I'm a model. I'm 38D, 5'8", 125 lbs, Blue Eyes, Long Blond Hair, Full lips, petite nose... Sorry I have no pics
You sound like what I have been looking for We seem to have a lot in common
I have never done this before
Really, I haven't been with a woman before
Stocky, but not fat
I make over $50,000 a year
I am a professional student
I like walks in the park and romantic evenings
I can only be online after midnight
I've been too busy lately to spend much time online
NO!!! I didn't cut you off, that damn AOL Booted me again!!
I'm in a private room exchanging wavs with a friend...
I was uploading and could only watch
I'm out on the www, and didn't see you
Imagine Judge Judy's Parts In Her New York Accent
Judge Judy: "Please rise and state your case."
Prosecutor: "Your Honor, I have a videotape of the accused slicing the throat of Ms. Doe, and eighteen eyewitnesses who will identify the defendant as the responsible party and attest to..."
Judge Judy: "I don't care!! The accused is better looking than you. He did not commit this crime. Your eye just twitched, and I KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!!! YOU THINK YOU CAN OUTSMART ME, YOUNG MAN?? I'VE BEEN AROUND THE BLOCK A FEW MORE TIMES THAN YOU, SON. THIS IS MY COURTROOM AND I MAKE UP THE RULES. YOU JUST BLINKED, THAT MEANS YOU'RE LYING,
AND..."
Prosecutor: "But Your Honor, I have a VIDEOTAPE, which proves UNEQUIVOCALLY BEYOND A REASONABLE..."
Judge Judy: "YOU LISTEN TO ME! This case is OVER. READ MY LIPS. I find the defendant NOT GUILTY. BAILIFF, RELEASE THE DEFENDANT AND ESCORT THE PROSECUTOR TO THE JAIL CELL WHERE HE WILL AWAIT AN ARRAIGNMENT FOR HIS SENTENCING ON..."
Prosecutor: "JAIL???? ME???????? SENTENCING, ON WHAT????????"
Judge Judy: "YOU JUST BLINKED YOUR EYE, THUS COMMITTING PERJURY IN MY COURTROOM. I WAS GOING TO PROSECUTE YOU BUT DECIDED YOU WERE GUILTY, THEREFORE WE WILL SKIP THE TRIAL AND GO STRAIGHT TO YOUR SENTENCING."
Prosecutor: "What are..."
Judge Judy: "UUUUHT!"
Prosecutor: "But..."
Judge Judy: "NOT ANOTHER WORD!! I FIND YOU IN CONTEMPT, YOU SHMUCK. GET OUT OF MY SIGHT, YOU MISERABLE SCOUNDREL. IT'S PEOPLE LIKE YOU WHO MAKE SOCIETY SICK! SEE HOW YOU LIKE A HUNDRED AND EIGHT YEARS IN MAXIMUM SECURITY."
Accident
A woman and a man get into a car accident, and it's a bad one. Both cars are totally demolished, but amazingly neither of them is hurt.
After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man, that's interesting. I'm a woman... Wow! Just look at our cars. There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace the rest of our days."
The man replied," I agree with you completely; this must be a sign from God!
The woman continued, "And look at this - here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of Mogen David wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune." Then she hands the bottle to the man.
The man shakes his head in agreement, opens it and takes a few big swigs from the bottle, then handing it back to the woman.
The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.
The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"
The woman replies, "No. I think I will just wait for the police..."
Because We Are Men
If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race, you're a male chauvinist
If you stay home and do the housework, you're a pansy.
If you work too hard, there is never any time for her.
If you don't work enough, you're a good-for-nothing bum.
If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, this is exploitation.
If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your ass and find something better.
If you get a promotion ahead of her, that is favoritism.
If she gets a job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity.
If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment.
If you keep quiet, it's male indifference.
If you cry, you're a wimp.
If you don't, you're an insensitive bastard.
If you thump her, it's wife bashing.
If she thumps you, it's self defense.
If you make a decision without consulting her, you're a chauvinist.
If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman.
If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's domination.
If she asks you, it's a favor.
If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear, you're a pervert.
If you don't, you're a fag.
If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape, you're sexist.
If you don't, you're unromantic
If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're vain.
If you don't, you're a slob.
If you buy her flowers, you're after something.
If you don't, you're not thoughtful.
If you're proud of your achievements, you're up on yourself.
If you don't, you're not ambitious.
If she has a headache, she's tired.
If you have a headache, you don't love her anymore.
If you want it too often, you're oversexed.
If you don't, there must be someone else.
How To Give Your Cat A Pill
1. Grasp cat firmly in your arms. Cradle its head on your elbow, just as if you were giving baby a bottle. Coo confidently, "Thats a nice kitty." Drop pill into its mouth.
2. Retrieve cat from top of lamp and pill from under sofa.
3. Follow same procedure as in 1, but hold cat's front paws down with left hand and back paws down with elbow of right arm. Poke pill into its mouth with right forefinger.
4. Retrieve cat from under bed. Get new pill from bottle. (Resist impulse to get new cat.)
5. Again proceed as in 1, except when you have cat firmly cradled in bottle-feeding position, sit down on edge of chair, fold your torso over cat, bring your right hand over your left elbow, open cat's mouth by lifting the upper jaw and pop the pill in - quickly. Since your head is down by your knees, you won't be able to see what you're doing. That's just as well.
6. Leave cat hanging on drapes. Leave pill in your hair.
7. If you're a woman, have a good cry. If you're a man, have a good cry.
8. Now pull yourself together. Who's the boss here anyway? Retrieve cat and pill. Assuming position 1, say sternly, "Who's the boss here, anyway?" Open cat's mouth, take pill and...Oooops!
9. This isn't working, is it? Collapse and think. Aha! Those flashing claws are causing the chaos.
10. Crawl to linen closet. Drag back large beach towel. Spread towel on floor.
11. Retrieve cat from kitchen counter and pill from potted plant.
12. Spread cat on towel near one end with its head over long edge.
13. Flatten cat's front and back legs over its stomach. (Resist impulse to flatten cat.)
14. Roll cat in towel. Work fast; time and tabbies wait for no man--or woman.
15. Resume position 1. Rotate your left hand to cat's head. Press its mouth at the jaw hinges like opening the petals of a snapdragon.
16. Drop pill into cat's mouth and poke gently. Voila! It's done.
17. Vacuum up loose fur (cat's). Apply bandages to wounds (yours).
18. Take two aspirins and lie down.