Written by Lauren Cognato, Copyright 2006. Free for non-profit use in schools and youth theatre as long as credit is duly given.
Act I, scene i
Justin Case: "All right now, clear out you rabble, clear out! Make way for his Majesty, King Richard the Lionhearted, sovereign of all ye, the most noble ruler who ere lived, rightwise king of all England. (in WWF announcer voice) God... save.... the kingggggggg!"
ALL: God save the king!
Richard: "God save you lords and ladies and let me bear you a hearty welcome to Nottingham's second Midsummer�s Festival. We entreat you to bear witness to dancing, singing, and to make yourselves merry during your stay."
Justin Case: "God save the king!"
All: "God save the king!"
Richard: "Make thyself merry & stay awhile."
Justin Case: "God save the king!"
All: "God save the king!"
Richard: "I leave you in the hands of my brother John & the good Sheriff."
Justin Case: "God save the king!"
All: "God save the king!"
Richard: (starting to get annoyed) "Yes, yes. God save me and all that. Have ye any questions, ask them of these noble men, for I myself as well as Robert of Locksley are bound for the crusades and the perils of the holy war."
Justin Case: "God save the king!"
All: "God save the king!"
Richard: (quietly, to Justin) "If I hear God save me one more time, I'll throw you in the dung heap. Cool it."
Justin Case: "Chilled!"
Robin: "People, be not afraid. God shall defend the noble King Richard and I and deliver us home to the shores of England before thee canst say �Uther Pendragon married Lady Igraine and had Wart, otherwise known as King Arthur who pulleth the sword out of the stone and did other totally righteous stuff, et cetera, et cetera.� Or at least before Act Three."
Justin Case: God save... er... somebody? (looks hopefully at Richard; Richard whacks him on the head, he crouches & covers head)
All: God save somebody! (everyone covers their heads)
Maid Marrion: "Goodbye mi liege!"
Honey B. "Good luck on the crusades!"
Lady Goodall: "Fare thee well!"
Lady Catherine: "Auf Wiedersehen!"
Lady Goodall: "Ciao!"
Lady Goodall: "Adios!"
Lady Catherine: "Ting tao te!"
Elaine Around: "Bon voyage!"
Helena Handbasket: "Try not to die!"
[exeunt Richard & Robin, followed by Marrion & ladies in waiting]
John: Finally. My ijidit brother has left. England is mine at last! muahahahahahaahaaha! Sheriff - to the treasury! I wish to count Richard's money. Oh wait, I mean MY money! (chuckle & happy kick). Speaking of which, I hereby decree that a tax of one gold coin be opposed on the people of Sherwood. To be collected immediately. Sheriff, collect the new tax, then report to the treasury."
Sheriff: Yes, Prince John. Straight away! (To audience:) One gold piece each, as ordered by Prince John, the new sovereign of all England! Pay up, you lot of vermin! Into the money bag it goes! It's all you have? Awwww. You won't be able to eat? Go tell someone who cares! muaahahaahaahaa What Prince John wants, he will be sure to get, at any cost!
Act I, scene ii: Maid Marrion's dressing room
Marrion: "Oh, Lady Goodall, I so wish I didn't have to marry that rotten Sir Guy of Gisborne! He so repulses me! The very sight of him makes me projectile vomit!"
Lady Goodall: "Oh, Marrion, don't be so sad. Sir Guy is very rich and will make an excellent husband."
Helena: "Sure he will. As long as he doesn't yell at you, or beat you, make you scrub the floors or throw you in the dungeon for disagreeing with him."
Honey: "Don't be unkind, Helena. Sir Guy has some redeeming qualities. He has really nice hair, deep blue eyes... and a really cute butt!" (giggles)
Lady Goodall: "He is the most eligible bachelor in all of England."
Elaine Around: "There's a reason he's a bachelor. Oh Marrion, don't marry that brute!"
Marrion: "Oh, if only it were that simple! But my father owes Sir Guy a great sum of money. Sir Guy and the Sheriff of Nottingham have said that if I marry Sir Guy that my father's debt will be erased. However, if I choose not to marry Sir Guy, that beastly Sheriff will arrest my father!"
Helena: "What says your father?"
Marrion: "When he's sound of mind he says that Sir Guy is an excellent match, that I should be happy to have found such a husband, et cetera, et cetera and that I am a spoiled brat to insist otherwise."
Honey: "Well, if you don't marry him, I'd be more than happy to oblige. He's sooooo cute!"
Helena: "Oh can it, Honey! Everyone knows that you're sweet on Prince John."
Honey: (sighs) "Well, I suppose the cat's been let out of the bag. I do so admire him. Especially his posterior. (giggles) I've been helping out in the castle. I think he likes me too - yesterday - you won't believe it - he let me polish his crown! I thought I was going to die!"
Elaine: "hahahahahahahaha! You and Prince John! He'd sooner go for a swim in the crocodile-infested moat than go on a date with you! Or, at least that�s what Lady Catherine said."
Lady Catherine: �I did?�
Honey: "That's not true! Just yesterday he told me that he that he liked me! See, he said "Honey, Honey Bunsosteel, you are truly a unique, special girl." He said that he had never met anyone like me before. He even calls me a pet name. You know how some knights call their ladies 'sweetheart,' 'baby,' or 'cupcake?' He calls me 'honey.' (sigh)."
(other girls snicker)
Lady Elaine: "That's not a pet name! It's your actual name!"
Honey: "Yes, but he calls me it because he thinks I'm beautiful!"
Lady Catherine: "If it's true and he really does like you, then why don't you write him a letter, telling him how you feel? Then, if he writes back, you'll know that he does like you and you can prove the rest of us wrong."
Honey: "Fine! I will write him! You'll see!"
Lady Catherine: �Wait a minute! I never said that! Did I?� [twirls hair around finger]
Marrion: "Well, in the meantime, I intend to picnic in Sherwood forest and enjoy this lovely day."
Lady Elaine: "We'll go along and tell the cook to prepare the basket. We'll meet you by the side door when we're ready, Maid Marrion."
[Honey sits down to write; other girls exeunt; other scene on the other side of the stage begins; John has been counting money]
John "Three thousand and five, three thousand and six, three thousand and seven..." Sheriff: "Prince John! Look what I've collected from the peasants!" [empties large sack of money onto the table.]
John: "Is that all? Three thousand and eight, three thousand nine..." [keeps counting money while sheriff speaks]
Sheriff: [proud of what he's collected] "Yes, sire! We sure got 'em good this time!" [mocking peasants:] "Oh, that's me last bit o' money, sir! Please don't! We've haven't enough money to eat, sire! We beg of you, we're starving!" [laughs] "Rubbish! Like anyone will care about a few less peasants!"
John: "Double the tax. Three thousand twenty, three thousand 21..."
Sheriff: [surprised] "Double, sire? What if they can't pay the tax?"
[Honey lingers outside the door, letter in hand]
John: "Three thousand.... three thousand.... look, you made me lose count with your stupid prattling! If they can't pay the tax, throw them in the bloody dungeon! Can't you see I'm counting!"
[Honey enters]
Honey: "Oh, Prince Johnnnn! I think I forgot to tell you - you look most handsome today!"
John: (sighs) Honey Bunsosteel. Actually, you didn't forget. You told me three times today and five times yesterday.
Honey: (blushes) "I knew you'd notice! Well, anyhow (acting flirtatious) I have something for you. I wrote it all by meself, words n all. It's a poem dedicated to our new liege, which, would be yourself."
John: (embarassed): "Well, er, thank you very much and... er, let's just give that to me and I'll find a nice place for it. There's a very nice place in the cellar for it. Have to keep it somewhere safe, of course. Can't have anyone seeing... er... tampering with it!" Sheriff: (highly amused) "No, Prince John, you should read it aloud. Or, better yet, have Honey read it to you. After all, she spent all of this time writing it, in your honor. Words and all (smirks)."
John: "No, no. [shoots death look to Sheriff] We don't want to take up any more of your time today, Honey. I'm sure that you have many things to do around the castle. You couldn't possibly have the time to read a poem to me."
Honey: "Actually, I've nothing else to do today. Maid Marrion gave me the day off, so I shall read it to you. It is called 'ode to Prince John' [squints at letter] The alternative title being 'Prince John the lovely whom I love and wish to be with forever.' ahem. (spits gummy frog out) Sorry, I had a frog in me throat. ah-hah-ahem:
Ode to Prince John Prince John he is so fair he looks as if he walks on air with lovely black thin-ning hair Oh I love him so.
Prince John is he is so cute He really knows how to shoot he's got a very nice bum to boot Oh I love him so.
Prince John he is so fine I wish he would be mine I wish I knew his star sign Oh I love him so.
Prince John he's not that old I would make sure he's not cold and clean his castle full of mold Oh I love him so.
Prince John he is so hand-some If anyone would steal him for ran-som (angrily) I would hunt them down and kill them. Oh I love him so. (whisper) Oh I love him so.
That's it. I worked real hard on it mi liege. I do hope it pleases you!�
Sheriff (elated): �Bravo! Bravo!�
John: (humilated) "Oh, I am so... honored? Thank you very much. Now, please give it to me and I shall make sure that I put it in a very important, very safe place so that no one shall damage it."
Sheriff: "Encore! Oh, encore! Before you put it away, let's hear that part again about your thinning hair. Excellent Honey, I think you should read it to the entire castle. What better way to spend your day?"
Honey: "Oh, what an excellent idea! I shall go right away! (blows kisses to John)."
[Honey exits and lingers by door when she hears Sheriff laughing]
Sheriff: AAHHAHAHAHHAHAHHAHAAAAAA!!!!!!
[John bops him on the head repeatedly]
John: "You imbecile! You dolt! You vice-ridden barnacle! Now it will be heard throughout the castle! I'll be the laughingstock of Sherwood!"
[enter guard with 3 boys]
Guard: [mimes three]
John: Three words? Three syllables?
Sheriff: 3 children!
guard: (nods) [mimes stealing by stealing money sack]
John: "Give that back! It's not yours!"
Sheriff: "Three boys stole money?"
[guard nods] guard [mimes egg]
John: "they did the chicken dance! No! Wait! I have it! Someone stole money from the ATM... down the street... with a chicken... three times!!!!"
guard (sighs and shrugs)
Sheriff: "These three children stole an egg?"
guard (nods yes and pushes boys towards Prince John)
John: "Is this true?"
(guard nods)
John: "The punishment for stealing is death. They shall be hanged at the gallows in the morrow."
[Honey gasps]
Honey: "How awful! I must tell Maid Marrion right away!"
[Honey hurries away]
Sheriff: "And until then?"
John: "Throw them in the dungeon!"
[exeunt guard, Sheriff & three boys]
[offstage:] Sheriff: Good morrow, Sir Guy.
Sir Guy: Good morrow, Sheriff.
[enter Sir Guy of Gisborne]
John: Greetings, Sir Guy!
Sir Guy: "Prince John, how fares my liege?"
John: "Excellent well, Sir Guy. What brings your noble presence hither?"
Sir Guy: "I have come to request your highness to attend the feast at my new residence, which you have so graciously bestowed to me: Locksley castle." (to audience) Please, join us all for this grand occasion!"
John: "Hmmm.... shall we? What think you? If ye should like to go to the feast, say yay! If ye do not wish to go to the feast, say ye nay.�
ALL: Yay!
John: �Excellent well, Sir Guy! Let us all process then to Locksley castle! Lead the way!"
[exeunt all ex theatre ad cafeteria]
Act II, scene i