scene i
Justin Case: �All right now, clear out you rabble, clear out! Make way for his Majesty, noble Arthur, son of Uther Pendragon, Soverign of Camelot, the legendary man who hath pulled the sword out of the stone, rightwise king of all England. God save the king!�

ALL: God save the king!

Arthur: �God save you lords and ladies and let me bear you a hearty welcome to Camelot�s first Midsummer�s Festival. We entreat you to bear witness to dancing, singing, and to make yourselves merry during your stay.�

All: God save the king!

Mordred: Because no one else will!

Arthur: Ah, Mordred, my son. I would not make such comments as that if I were you.

Mordred: If you were me, I�d be ugly.

G: �Arthur, surely you will not tolerate such insolence!�

Arthur: �He is yet too young to comprehend the weight of such remarks. Were not he my son, he should pay dearly for his words. However, he is not yet learned in the ways of the world.�

G: �So, what will become of him? Set Sir Lionel to joust with him! We shall have a tournament and that brat shall be taught a lesson!�

A: �Dear, you know Mordred is far too weak to fight in such a competition. However, it is an idea that greatly pleases me. We shall get other knights to joust and battle in a grand tournament and will award the winner some splendid thing. �

L1: �Sir Dinadan will surely win!�

L2: �Surely not! Sir Sagremore shall slice him in two!�

L3: �From fore to aft?�

L2: �He�ll feel a draft!�

A: Excellent idea! Notify Sir Lionel and Sir Sagremore, at once.�

Justin: Right away, my liege, noble battler of the Saxons, galant defender of Camelot, exalted Majesty...�:

A: �Oh be quiet man and go to your post.�

G: But Arthur, what shall become of Mordred?

A: Or dear, well... let�s see then... Mordred, go to your room!

M: Really, Father, don�t you think she�s being a tad unfair?!

A: Mordred...!

M: Well, fine! Blustering fool!

[Mordred sneaks away to eavesdrop]

A: Well... Sir Lionel, Sir Sagremore.... It appears that we need more knights. We need at least six for a tournament! Who shall we summon to come to this tournament? Ladies - any ideas?

L1: What about Sir Dinadan? He�s most brave, and besides, he�s really cute!

A: Alas, Sir Dinadan has been struck down by Sir Aggravaine in a duel over who can build a better catapult. He was hurled over Windsor Castle a fortnight ago and is still recovering.

L2: Sir Galahad?

A: Too smelly.

L3: Sir Gawain?

A: Gawain... a noble choice, mi lady. He shall fare excellent well in our contest.

L1: Sir Pellinore?

A: Alas, that old fool ally of mine is beset on finding that questing beast of his. No doubt he is off in the forest, wandering in circles, hunting for dung and footprints as we speak.

L2: What about Balyn and Balan?

A: You mean Tweedle-dee and Tweedle-dumber? Those ijidits would probably mistake one another for their opponent and run each other through... not exactly the sharpest swords in the armory, those two.

L1: Sir Percivale?

A: Hmmmm.... Merlin has told me that we shall expect great things from him. Excellent well, he shall joust with Gawain. That shall be a riveting match. Who else?

G: Sir Bors is a gallant knight, mi lord.

A: Ah yes, he shall be a good addition to the tournament. Good choice, my love. Yet there is one more spot to be taken. I wonder...

[coconuts sounding off-stage; Merlin enters with Lancelot ]

Merlin: Good morrow, Arthur! How do you fare?

A: Excellent well, Merlin, and yourself?

Merlin: I have ridden far and wide. I have traversed mountains, fords and hills. My horse, as well as I am weary from this journey. But, all for a most noble and worthy cause.

A: (gently) Merlin, you don�t have a horse. Remember, ever since you changed the blacksmith into a toad, you�ve been forbidden to go near the stable.

G: But, my love, I could swear that I have hear the tramping of hoofbeats.

A: (sternly) Merlin, what have I told you about coconuts?

Merlin: (sighs) That they are a foreign delicacy and that they should not be squandered, I know, I know. Honestly now, Wart, I command you to stop lecturing me at once! After all, you are my pupil, not the other way around. So, I didn�t traverse over fords and mountains... I went down the road. But I did meet a young fellow who will prove himself to be the most noble and valiant of all of the knights of the round table. Recently come from France, this stupendous fellow shall do excellent well in your tournament. I hereby present, Lancelot of the Lake.

Lancelot: �Greetings, most honorable king. I, Lancelot du Lac, most humble prince of France come to Camelot in the hopes that I might one day join your servants as a knight of the Round Table. A knight of the Table Round should be invincible, suceed where a less fantastic man would fail. Climb a wall no one else can climb, cleave a dragon in record time, swim a moat in a coat of heavy iron mail. No matter the pain, he ought to be unwinceable, impossible deeds should be his daily fare. But where in the world is there in the world a man so *extraordinaire*? C'est moi! C'est moi, I'm forced to admit. 'Tis I, I humbly reply.�

G: (sighs & looks lovingly at Lancelot)

A: Well, then, Lancelot. You have arrived just in time for our tournament! Welcome to Camelot! Guinevere, show young Lancelot around the castle and the grounds. Ladies, summon the heralds and tell them to come to me at once. Merlin, you and I will go to the throne room to discuss the further details of this tournament.

[exeunt Arthur, Merlin, guards, ladies in waiting, Justin Case]

scene ii L: I am honored to be shown about the castle by the most beautiful maiden in all of Logres.

G: (blushes)

L: News of your beauty has traveled far and wide, but I see they hardly do you justice.

G: One mightsay the same of your honor, strength and valour.

L: Guinevere, are you happy at Camelot?

G: Whatever do you mean?

L: Are you truly happy here?

G: I suppose. Camelot is a wonderful place and Arthur is a just and true husband. Why do you ask?

L: Guinevere, do you believe in love at first sight?

G: (gasp)

L: I know it is unlawful and that it goes against all that I believe in, that it is a crime against the table round and of noble Arthur, but Guinevere, Guinevere, I love you. From the first moment I saw you, I loved you.

G: Lancelot!

L: I respect Arthur as my king and would not betray his trust for the world. Therefore, say you do not love me, that you do not feel the same and I will leave you and Camelot forever.

G: I... I... (sobs) Lancelot... I respect Arthur, and he is my liege, but I cannot lie, I feel the same.

L: Then go with me! We shall escape during the night and travel to France, away from all of this.

G: I can�t! I must stay with Arthur. It would break his heart if I should leave him.

L: Then we must conceal our love and pretend that we do not care for one another.

G: Arthur is going hunting tonight and will not be back until the morrow. Meet me in my chamber soon after sundown. For now we shall follow Arthur�s orders and explore the castle... together!

[exeunt Lancelot & Guinevere]

scene iii
[Mordred skulks onstage from his hiding spot]

M: So Lancelot and Guinevere... who would have though... this falls out better than I myself could devise! Mother will be so pleased. Mother! Mother! MOTHER!!!!

Morgana: Who summons me? Ah, Mordred, my baby boy. You look sickly. You should eat more - you�re growing rather thin.

M: Mother, I didn�t summon you so you could nag me. I have the most wicked news.

Morgana: Arthur has contracted a deadly, disfiguring disease and will die an agonizing death after he appoints you as his heir to the throne?

M: No.

Morgana: Arthur has abdicated the throne because you convinced him that you are honorable, just and a good person?

M: You�re kidding, mother.

Morgana: Well, that one was a little far-fetched.

M: Arthur is about to be betrayed. By the one person he loves more than anyone else in the world.

Morgana: Merlin?

M: NO!!! His wife, Guinevere! She and Lancelot are in love! Isn�t that wonderful? For us at least. She shall break Arthur�s heart! And then, she shall be put on trial by the court - oh how fortunate that Arthur has decided to put the court in charge of such affairs! And then she shall be tried for adultery and treason and put to death! Muahahahahahahahahaha!

Morgana: Oh, how wickedly wonderful! Now I know why I didn�t drown you at birth - I knew you�d do something just horribly devious when you grew up! Good boy! Oh, look, you�ve got a little dirt just there.. (spits on thumb and rubs M�s face clean)

M: (scowls) Mother!

Morgana: Now, how do you plan to prove to the court that Lancelot and Guinevere love each other?

M: When they rendevous tonight in Guinevere�s chamber, I will catch them meeting and expose their lies!

Morgana: You wretched, flea-brained imbecile! Who will believe you, of all people? It will be your word against theirs. On second thought, perhaps it would have been better to have had you strangled at birth.

M: Mother, I�m hurt.

Morgana: Oh, do I have to do *everything* for you? Get more people, some guards, ladies in waiting, and have them sneak up on those wretched lovebirds with you.

M: We would be far too noisy with that multitude of people. We would be discovered for certain! Morgana: Oh, hush. I will put a spell on the lot of you so that you shan�t make a sound, you impertinent, simpering child. And then, when the queen and that fool Lancelot are out of the way, Arthur will be so distraught that he will depend on his closest relation to help him make all of his decisions.

M: Great. We�ll take his closest relation, put him into full armor and drop him into the lake. That should take care of him!

Morgana: You fool! His closest relation is YOU! Once Lancelot and Guievere are disposed of, you shall gain his trust and convince him to make you his sucessor, King of all England!

M: Oh, how deliciously wicked! I shall be King! I wonder on which throne I shall sit. Perhaps on Mondays through Thursdays I shall sit on Arthur�s throne and on Fridays through Sundays I can sit on Guinevere�s. Or, I could alternate every other day. Or I could test them out and see which one is more the comfortable and...

Morgana: (cuts him of) Oh shut up and get to work or you won�t have a throne to even think about you fool! Go hence!

[exeunt Morgana & Mordred]

scene i
[enter Mordred, guards, ladies in waiting. They hide]

[enter Guinevere, brushing her hair. pause. Lancelot enters]

L: Good evening, thou lookest most radiant in the moonlight.

G: Oh, Lancelot!

L: Guinevere!

G: (sighs) Lancelot!

[Mordred jumps out the shadows]

M: Mordred! Muahahahha My plan has worked. Just wait until Arthur arrives! The pair of you shall be put to trial and sentenced to death and I shall become king at last! muahahhaaaa!

L: Not if I can help it! Get hence [steals Mordred�s sword and tries to escape with G; M. does not let G. go]

L: Guinevere!

G: Lancelot!

M: Oh no, not this dialogue again. (mimicks) Guinevere, Lancelot! Don�t you too ever get new material?

[Lancelot escapes alone]

L1: Guinevere, how could you? You are betrothen to Arthur!

[G is crying, Arthur enters with Justin Case & Merlin]

Justin: Here, your majesty, see for yourself. We caught her meeting with Lancelot du Lac just moments ago.

Arthur [shakes head]: It cannot be. [looks at Guinevere] My love, does he speak the truth?

G: [ashamed] Aye, my lord.

M: �Tis treason, my lord! The pair of them should be sentenced to death immediately! They conspired against you and cast shame upon Camelot!

Merlin: Arthur, be merciful. Show some compassion!

M: Did they show any compassion to you? You have been greatly wronged! According to the laws of Camelot, Guinevere should be tried in a court of law.

L2: But, she is the queen!

M: Does that make her any different from the rest of us? Are there now different laws for royalty? Do laws only apply to commoners? Are you above your own laws, Arthur?

Merlin: She is your wife, Arthur. Show her mercy. Show the people what a compassionate, kind king you are.

M: You mean show everyone what a sap you are? Be a man, Arthur.

Arthur: [sadly] Mordred is right. I cannot excuse her from the law because she is my queen. She must be tried before a court. It is not my decision. The court shall decide upon her guilt or innocence.

L3: But if she is found guilty, they will surely burn her at the stake!

L2: Show mercy!

Arthur: I have made my decision. Take her away.

[guards grab G. and take her offstage]

Merlin: But Arthur...

Arthur: [strongly] I have made my decision.

[Arthur exits, followed by Merlin and ladies in waiting]

scene ii:
Morgana: Well done, Mordred. Now, all we have to do is cross our fingers and hope that the court rules in our favor.

M: How can it not, with all of the witnesses? Oh, I hope they burn her at the stake. I do love a good bonfire. Perhaps we can toast marshmellows to our success!

Morgana: Oh, Mordred, I�m so proud of you! Now, get to work and get that throne!

[exeunt M & Morgana]

scene iii
[enter Merlin slowly and sadly] Merlin: It has been decided.

[song Guinevere is in bg: �Oh, they found Guenevere With her bold cavalier And as swords rang through the hall Lance escaped them, one and all On a day dark and drear Came to trial Guenevere Ruled the jury for her shame She be sentenced to the flame Early dawn was the time She would pay for her crime Or would Lancelot reappear Come and rescue Guenevere? I'll wager the king himself is hoping he will return Why would he have chosen five AM for the queen to burn? When the world is black and gray, what time would be more ideal For Lancelot to steal Guenevere? As the dawn filled the sky On the day she would die There was wonder far and near Would the king burn Guenevere?�]

[enter Mordred, leading the way with torch, then enter G, with hands bound behind her back, escorted and shoved ahead by guards, ladies in waiting follow, crying, Arthur follows, Merlin follows Arthur]

Green Woman: Would the king burn Guinevere? Will he relent and let her free? Shall Lancelot save her? Follow me and ye shall out!

Procession III:

scene i:
M: How lovely it is today. Nice and dark and cold! Just the right weather for a bonfire! Only one thing is missing... [puts marshmellow on stick] splendid! Anyone else for a marshmellow?

HH: [lightly bops M on the head] You brute! Guinevere is about to die and all thee canst think about is.. is... marshmellows?!

M: Ow! why you!

Makenzie: Thou wretched child! Thee shall pay for thy foul comments about the queen. [kicks M and pulls his hair]

M: hey! watch it! OW!

Lady Catherine: And this is for being mean to me and calling me the stupidest wench in the castle. [pushes M]

Lady Daisy: And this is for being a spoiled brat! [ punches M in the face]

M: Father!

Arthur: Ladies, that is quite enough.

Lady Daisy: My King, and I think I speak for your other ladies, we wish to plead for mercy on behalf of our queen.

Lady Catherine: She acted rashly, your Majesty, but a girl will do wild things for love.

Lady Makenzie: And surely she loves Sir Lancelot, and he loves her, for she does speak his praises all the time and how he dotes on her. (sigh)

Arthur: Helena, Helena Handbasket. Ah, there you are. What think you?

HH: Well, Queen Guinevere is a right good queen, and she is so lovely. Seems such a waste to set a perfectly good queen on fire. As for Lancelot, well, if I were you... Arthur: Yes, go on.

HH: I think, if I were you, I�d kick him down the stairs, feed his head to my hounds and do a dance of joy around his lifeless corpse (spits) But that�s just one woman�s opinion.

M: [to HH] That�s the spirit, wench!

HH: [gets threateningly close to Mordred] And I�d do the same to you!

M: [meekly] Oh, ok then.

Arthur: The laws of Camelot must not be overlooked, and exceptions cannot be made, no matter what the case (looks fondly at Guinevere). We have a reputation to maintain, you know. However, before we give our last judgement, have you anything to say in mitigation, Guinevere?

G: Only that love is a many splendored thing, mi lord, and I did it all for love!

M: Rubbish!

Arthur: Mordred!

Merlin: [gravely] It is time, Arthur.

Arthur: [gritting his teeth] Do it.

[spear carriers lower torch to stake]

G: Oh, Lancelot, Lancelot! Where art thou?!

Morgana: Oh, how ripping! Looks like I�m just in time, as usual (winks at audience & sees Mordred). Mordred! What happened to you? You look horrible... well, more horrible than you usually look at least.

M: Uh! What is this, �everyone pick on Mordred day?� We�re here to burn Guinevere at the stake! There should be... (goes into dream-like state) dancing, and singing, and me on a throne, and people throwing rosepetals at my feet... (stares off into space dreamily)

Morgana: Snap out of it!

Lady Catherine: Poor Guinevere! I think I�m going to cry! (she does)

HH: There, there, there�s still some hope. Maybe Arthur will show her mercy.

Gawain: Wait! What�s that over there?

Daisy: It looks like... It can�t be?!

Guinevere: [shouts] Lancelot!

Lancelot: [riding on horse, shouting] Guinevere!

M: [rolls eyes] There they go again. Guards! Get them!

Lady Daisy: Oh, I hope Lancelot saves her!

Lancelot: [dismounts and draws sword] I have come for Guinevere. Give her to me and I shall go hence peacefully.

Mordred: Not for the world! She shall burn at the stake and thee shall watch her burn! [draws sword]

[swordfight ensues, ]

L: Drop your sword.

[Lancelot has M at the end of his sword]

Lancelot: Now I go to my castle at Joyous Guarde. If anyone tries to stop me, Mordred shall meet with an untimely death. I�m going. See, I�m putting Guinevere on my horse and we are about to ride away. And if anyone tries to stop me, Mordred gets it (makes gesture w/ finger across throat).

Arthur: Go ahead. He�s been a pain in my butt ever since the brat turned 13.

M: Mother!

Lancelot: I wish things had turned out differently, Arthur.

Arthur: And I, Lancelot. Fare thee well.

M: [Throws hissy fit] Mother, did you hear what father said?

Morgana: Yes. And he�s absolutely right. What did I tell you you were supposed to do? Get the throne, get the throne, kill Arthur and get the throne and what did you do.... [improvises as she drags M away by the ear]

M: [Mordred breaks away and runs back] But it�s not fair! You�ll see! One day I�ll become king and I�ll rule you all and...

Lady Daisy: Oh, go soak your head.

Lady Catherine: Yeah, you wanted to hurt Guinevere! [ladies close in on M]

M: Now, ladies, I didn�t... uh... I didn�t mean all of that. Uh... I�m sorry... nice Queen Guinevere.... Ahhhhhhhhhhh! [ runs away as ladies in waiting chase after him]

Merlin: Arthur, are you ok?

Arthur: It�s been a longggg day, Merlin. Gentles and ladies, thank you for your company throughout this fine midsummer�s eve. I must depart, for I am about to embark on yet another adventure in Camelot. But before I do, I bid you adieu. God save thee all good gentles.

ALL: God save the king!