| So I just dropped off a lady friend in Pine Village, she invites me in for a Yoohoo and some Jolly Rancher Fruit Chews, when I remember that it's 3:22 am...... and it's Wednesday! I quickly decline her lovely offer, and I'm off to the races in my half gas/half bacon grease-powered ecologically sound 4X4, toward the Merrillville Observatory & Lube Shop. I remembered that comet 4A53FKT69945RW89FDS903D was viewable on this date. I get to the observatory, and my friend, astronomer and manager of the lube shop, Tom Tarkell says, "Nudes, do you want a Jolly Rancher Fruit Chew?" I decline his lovely offer, and peer into the telescope. Sure enough, there it is. Comet 4A53FKT69945RW89FDS903D, heading right for us! Looks like it'll hit Valparaiso Water Filtration Plant And Gun Range by 5:42 am. Well, I figure we're all done for, so I say goodbye to Tom, jump on the 4X4, and I'm off to enjoy my last guilty pleasure one last time. On the way, I ride by my favorite sites in Northwest Indiana, The Little Calumet River, the Lake Station Cock-Fighting Arena, and the Crown Point Lyposuction Waste Dump. I finally arrive at my destination. I'm excited and sad at the same time. Looking forward to my last guilty pleasure, and sad we'll all be gone soon. I walk in to the Lake Eliza Massage Parlor And Brat Quality Contol Center, and ask for Helga. She's a former gold medal winner for the Soviet Union. Her event was the Clean-and-Jerk, and pole dancing. I said, "Helga, give me the special." Her face turned white, because I had only asked for this twice before--when the '85 Bears released the Superbowl Shuffle, and when President Bush declared August 4th, "Jello-Wrestling Day." I stripped nude, got on the table face down, and she proceeded with the "Special". She poured 87 packs of melted Jolly Rancher Fruit Chews all over my body, turned the TV on to the SpongeBob SquarePants Marathon, and then ran from the room, and closed the door. And here I sit, in utter bliss, waiting for Comet 4A53FKT69945RW89FDS903D to do it's job. |
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