October/7/2005

Well I said I had alot to talk about.... well I do. Alot of gripes too. Yesterday I said Tom has 2 to 4 months....How come this is just not sinking in? How come I can't get it through my head that Tom might die? How come I keep telling people that "How come this is happening to me, to us?" I have seen it on t.v. or have heard of a friend that has Cancer.... but I keep thinking.... this is not supposed to happen to me. I found the love of my life and I'm only going to have him for 13 years? Okay.... so I'm sounding kinda selfish.... but I had PLANNED on growing OLD with him. Give me a break!

Tom had been having trouble sleeping... now he really is having trouble sleeping. When the Doc. tells you that you have 2 to 4 months to live and when you go to sleep at night....""ou will slip into a Coma and you will never wake up". How will you sleep? It's a very scary thing... to wake up in the mornings... because you don't know if your loved one will wake up with you. I'm scared to death.

Someone asked me, "How are you going to tell Kacie and Thomas?" Well... number one.... Kacie is 4 and Thomas is 2... Do you think they will understand? I really don't know yet...How do you talk to children that age about death? Something to think about.

Something else to think about..... When a CHURCH turns one of their memebers away because they don't go to that church all the time or they don't live in that community.... what is that telling the NON-Christians? I'm glad God doesn't do that.

Every night Kacie, Thomas and I, we say a prayer before bed time....as I closed my eyes and was praying.... I saw something.... something really, really wierd. It was this HUGE dark gray cloud swirling... like a tornado Beginning to form.... and it was blocking this bright light.... I stopped praying, I couldn't say our prayer.... I had trouble with it.... like stumbling over my words..... I don't know what it means. Why did that come to me when I was praying?

I know the Lord has a hand in this..... but I had 2 people tell me about 2 songs that they wanted me to have. One is called:

"Can you still praise the Lord when you're down"

"Can you still sing a song, when everything is going wrong?"

"Will a smile take the place of a frown?"

"And can you still praise the Lord when you're down".

There is more to that song and I will get it posted as soon as I get it from my mom. But just that little part makes you think.... it is really hard to be happy, it is really hard to say thank you Lord when you are depressed and you say to yourself "What do I have to be thankful for"? Or why should I praise God... what has he done for me lately?.... BUT... I have and I do praise him. I give him the praise for my children, for the time Tom and I have to together, for our home... we was homeless for one night when Kacie was 3 weeks old...yea that's right, we stayed in a motel for one night. I'm gonna have to re-write that journal. My eyes are open.... not just open but OPEN! I see everything that is around me now and I say THANK YOU GOD for the clouds, for the rain, for the grass, for the food, for everything that you have created.

So yea.... I can Praise the Lord when I'm down.... and you know what? When I do that.... I'm lifted up! So... Can YOU... out there on the WWW... Praise the Lord when you're down? Let me know...