October/27th/2005

Tonight was the F.F.F. (Fun Fall Festival) at First Baptist Church, Kacie and Thomas had fun, there was alot of people there. It is held in the CLC... Christian Life Center, in the gym... it was over at 8:00 we left early Tom wasn't feeling well, I think it was just 30 min. no biggy. When we got home.... it is very hard to explain, I thought he was going to pass out on me. I kept telling him "Tom park the car, Tom park the car" He finally said "I'm trying". Tom is back on Chemo, he started that on the 25th, the dr. gave him a very high dose of it and now it is taking it's tole on him. He is every tired, he is so tired I had to help him get his legs into bed and all the while I was crying on the inside and out, trying to keep the tears from falling but I can't stop them. I'm screaming on the inside....I CAN'T DO THIS, I CAN'T DO THIS, I CAN'T DO THIS!!!!!!! I feel this anger, I just want to throw something, hit something, and all the while I'm sreaming on the inside.... I can't do this! I just want to fall on my knees and scream at God "WHY IS THIS HAPPENING, HAVEN'T YOU EVEN HEARD MY CRIES, FELT MY PAIN, SEEN MY TEARS,.... GOD.... I'M SCARED!. I catch myself watching him... keeping and eye on him.

I found this little daily devtional in a bible that my dad gave from 1986. This is what the card says.

"When the road we tread is rough,

Let us bear in mind,

In our Saviour strength enough,

We may always find.

On the other side of the card it says:

And Moses cried unto the Lord, saying, What shall I do?.. And the Lord said unto Moses, GO ON! and Moses did so.

Exodus 17:4-6

God is telling me to GO ON when sometimes I feel like I can't. I know deep down inside I know I can but sometimes.. when I see Tom like this, I wonder where my strength ran off to. I keep telling myself... I have to do this, through sickness and in health and I will Tom.... I will be with you to the end, I'm with you all the way baby.... all the way.