December/2/2205

Well I broke down and called Hospic just to get some info. about them and it was very helpful. I have found alot of links on Hospic that I will be posting. I went to see my councler, theropist, and talking about the cancer and the posability that Tom might die has helped me alot. I told the lady about this black and white picture I keep dreaming about.... Tom, Kacie, Thomas and I are on this dirt road, we are holding hands and walking down this road, then it changes to just the kids and I walking down this dirt road. My theropist asked me what do you think it means? I told her, or she told me, "This is what you have now.... and the second one is what might be. I couldn't help but cry. I told her... I don't even know how to tell Kacie and Thomas.

I told her "This isn't supposed to happen." when we found out it felt like someone knocked the wind out of me. I'm sitting here trying to think of something eles to write and it is very hard. My Theropist told me to take sometime for myself... be KIND to myself. I told her I do, when I get up in the mornings I get the children dresses and I'll wait outside for Kacies bus, I'll say my prayers, or I'll have a quiet time during the day and I'll just sit and cry or in the evenings.... like right now.

Sitting here listening to Christmas songs and you know.... this could be our last Christmas of 13 yrs. Tom told me just the other day that he doesn't think he will make it to Christmas. WE NEED THIS CHRISTMAS... THIS CAN NOT BE OUR LAST CHRISTMAS TOGETHER, WE HAVE TO HAVE MANY MORE..... SO GOD.... IF YOU ARE LISTENING..... PLEASE, PLEASE GIVE US MANY MORE CHRISTMAS'S!!!!!!!!!