August/20/2005

Tom slept late today, he didn't get up till almost 12. He still doesn't feel good. I took his temp. and it was 97.3. He was laying on the couch and I just happened to look over at him and he was in great pain. His stomache is hurting.

I miss the OLD Tom. I remember when we lived at Keetoowah Village... he played a joke on me. He had gotten the Elvira stand up poster and put her BEHIND the door so when I walked in I would just see this thing there and it would scare me every single time. I miss his antics, his laughter. He laughs.... but it is not the same. I miss everything... It's like he moved out and someone else moved in but he is the same in body. It is really strange.

I catch myself asking him "Are you alright" or I'll go and check on him when he is sleeping in the room.... just to make sure. This is just soo hard and it is just the beginning. I have found comfort in writing down everything about my feelings... I have taken my anger out on my kids.....(need a tissue)I have NOT hurt them... but the angry acts do, my raised voice.... my yelling all the time.... I do not like myself like that, it is really scary. God gave them to me, and I don't want to hurt them in any way.

When things start to go wrong I start to sing that song "My God is so big" and it really does help me.