JOB: bodyguard to flamboyant weight-loss merchant, Richard Simmons
DESCRIPTION: Richard Simmons is the obese woman's dream - from his non-threatening style to his endless supply of floraly-patterned tissues, Simmons is the word everyone thinks of when people compare weight loss to things such as flowers and tying bows around trees. But sometimes Simmons can be overpowered, and when you suffer from claustrophobia to the extent Simmons does, the last place you want to be is in a room of fat people.
That's where Mr. T steps in.
"Mr. T's a Godsend," claims Simmons. "When I'm having trouble making a point, Mr. T will step in and say encouraging things like "you bet yo' obesity ass that you gonna lose weight on this diet... and if you don't, sucka, then you'll leave me no choice but to pity you." And when the women tried to rip bits of my clothes off as momentos and digest me, Mr. T would cradle me in his arms and carry me to safety, to the tune of "I Will Always Love You" from the hit film The Bodyguard. "
Mr. T then puts Simmons in the van, and drives to the next location in the unmarked van in 27 minutes flat, regardless of location.
<<<Back to the site.