Alice's Wonderland Introduction

ALICE'S WONDERLAND

By Kenneth Dube

(Jefferson Starship's chasing a rabbit plays while a mustang is seen from above, driving through the countryside. At end of song, start story)

An old, red, Mustang Fastback pulls into the dirt driveway of a large, white, farm house. Its headlights expose floating dust in the newly falling night. A commercial for a local super, car-repair mall goes silent as the car engine cuts out. A hand pushes the windowless door open and a man in his twenties gets out, wearing blue jean pants and vest and a white T-shirt.

ALICE'S MOTHER

(Out of the second story window)

Jack, go on out back. She's on the porch doin' some stitchin'."

JACK

Thanks Mrs. Andrews. "How you doing?

ALICE'S MOTHER

Can't complain.

(She sticks her head back inside the house. Jack walks on the uneven green lawn around the house and to the back. Near the porch light, he sees Alice working on a dress while swinging on a love seat with a cat sleeping next to her. She looks up at him from her work and smiles as their eyes meet. She then concentrates back on her stitching. Jack walks onto the porch and sits next to her, waiting. After some silence and exaggerated fidgeting he covers her working hands. She looks up at him in mocking shock.)

JACK

(earnestly)

I was wondering, mam, if you weren't too busy to accompany me to the square dance tonight.

ALICE

(Still faking shock)

How dare you, I hardly even know you.

JACK

Well, I know that your blonde hair is long and lovely like strands of gold. Your eyes are a deep brown like gems glittering on a white silk background. Your smile has the beauty and innocence to make me smile every time I think of it. Your neck is as seductive as an aphrodisiac. Your-

ALICE

My parents can probably hear you. So you had better stop where you are and just give me a kiss.

(They kiss affectionately as they had many times.)

ALICE

(Smiling)

Your too much. I think all that poetry you've read has warped your brain. I think what you need is a little fresh air, a great view, and a lot of attention from me.

JACK

So I guess the square dance is out then.

ALICE

Would you stop it.

(she back slaps him on the arm, near the shoulder.

They hold hands and walk out into the field directly in front of them. The clear, early fall night is comfortably cool and breezy. Before them, stretches acreage of unplanted land that is bordered by a cliff at the end. They walk into the vastness caring only about the world that they have created for themselves.)

-SCENE 2-

(An old-style Chevy pick-up makes its way down a vacant dirt road carrying barrels in the back, held in by a chain at about one-third of their height.

Inside the cab, two grubby state workers converse. They are in their forties. The driver is short and stout, with black hair. On the passenger side, sits a blonde and thin Scottish man wearing a pair of wire-framed glasses. The passenger is trying to light his pipe. Both are wearing grungy orange jump suits. On the radio is a live version of Hawkwind's Motorway City. The name of the radio station, the band and song are digitally displayed on the radio.

The passenger takes out a small pipe and a bag. He takes a pinch out of the bag and packs it in his pipe.)

CHARLEY

I didn't forget about you, Fred.

(He lights it with a wooden match.)

I got it like I said I would.

FRED

Oh, you know I have complete faith in you Charley. When it comes to remembering that, I sometimes think your a genius. It's everything else about you that I have a problem with.

(Charley gets the pipe lit, inhales, and holds his breath as he hands it to Fred. After a few seconds he exhales the smoke. He sticks his arm out the window and begins to bang the side of the door to the beat of the song with his hand.)

CHARLEY

Well that's why I'm working this job, which doesn't say much for you.

(As Charley takes another hit from the pipe, Fred exhales.)

FRED

Just remember that I'm driving. That takes more

skill than it does to just sit as a passenger. Remember that as long as I'm behind the wheel, that I'll always be one up on you. Being a nuclear waste disposal engineer and a driver is a combination most would be envious of. Those bastards sitting behind computer terminals at the State Building don't know what their missing. So blow it out your ear you burnt-out piece of shit!"

(The two laugh simultaneously and then Charley coughs as the smoke pours out of his mouth.)

FRED

Don't die on me now. We still have to unload these barrels.

RADIO VOICE

(Altered voice)

You're listening to bootleg radio. "We're here to give you rare live classics that can only be enjoyed here on WBLR. You can hear these greats on no other station because its illegal. Today we are operating on frequency 1290. Pass the word.

(As Genesis' The Slipperymen starts to play, a pair of headlights appear up ahead. As it speeds closer, they can see that it is a banged up, modern, van with antennas and a satellite dish on the top. The radio becomes louder as it passes by.)

CHARLEY

Hey, that was WBLR!

(Just then, another vehicle approaches them rapidly. It is a small compact car with a rotating satellite dish on top. Purple lights flash brightly as it goes by. Big black letters spelling FCCP blur by on the side of its door. The radio gives off static as it goes by.

FRED

There goes the damn FCCP.

(Then he shouts out the window)

You'll never catch them you capitalistically bribed bastards!

CHARLEY

(Yells while holding onto the dashboard)

Fred! Look out for that opossum!

( Fred makes a hard turn of the wheel to avoid it, but nails it with his left front tire anyway. The truck jolts and a barrel flies out of the back and rolls over to the edge of the road and stops. The truck speeds on, swerving at first.)

CHARLEY

(They don't notice the missing barrel)

You're crazy! You're gonna kill us one of these days!

FRED

We made it didn't we? I know what I'm doing. Why don't you get that lit again, maybe it will calm your nerves. Your a wreck.

CHARLEY

You know, you should have been a doctor. You know just what to prescribe.

(The fallen barrel sits at the edge of the road, on a cliff. A glowing green liquid oozes from a puncture and drips down onto the farmland underneath. Most of it hugs the rock, but some of it falls, when the wind hits it just right, onto a dandelion growing near the base of the cliff.)

-SCENE 3-

( The red Mustang pulls up to the farmhouse in the morning and beeps. Its engine roars as it idles. Alice comes out the front door with an arm full of books and a sweater tied over her shoulders. She gets into the car and it speeds off towards the left.)

ALICE

I hate Tuesdays. I've got that darn chemistry lab today in addition to three other classes. This is the day I have to skip lunch.

JACK

At least you don't have a quiz and a test today. I'll be out by one o'clock though, so that's good. I'll be enjoying the sunny weather while your stuck inside watching digits rise and fall.

ALICE

Fine. See if I care. I guess I'll be too tired to see you tonight, then.

JACK

Well, chemistry isn't so bad. I hear it's very underrated.

(Just then, Jack slams on the brakes. In front of them is a city worker stopping traffic as an old pick-up truck backs off the road, towards the ledge where a barrel lays on its side. Traffic is allowed to go after the pick-up clears the road. The Mustang accelerates gradually as they pass it.)

JACK

Look at that. They've got one guy directing traffic, one guy driving and five guys standing around doing nothing. Our tax credit hard at work, as usual.

(The mustang continues its journey. Fred gets out of the truck and walks towards the other workers. Charley, who had been directing traffic, walks along side of him.

CHARLEY

(sarcastically)

Yes sir, you know what your doing.

FRED

Shut up. Your just as much to blame. If you hadn't yelled so much, I might have avoided running over the damn animal or at least heard the fuckin' barrel fall out of the back.

(Two guys with protective suits and gloves pull the barrel upright and lift it onto the truck. One of the other three looks over the edge and examines where some had spilled.

WASTE INSPECTOR

(Says to others)

Looks alright to me.

TWO SUPERVISORS

Everything else checks out.

WASTE INSPECTOR

Let's say we get some coffee down the road.

(As the five men walk to their respective vehicles, Fred and Charley drive away. Their shouts and yells can be heard over unintelligible music coming out of the radio.

Down below the cliff, the wild clumps of weeds sway in the wind. The waste-covered dandelion had drooped over and turned brown. The crabgrass browned around it as well.)

-SCENE 4-

(Days have passed. Where the dandelion once stood, only decay remains. Slowly, something green sprouts up. A stem at first, and then leaves grow off the side. A bud appears at its tip. As it cracks open, yellow bursts from its seams. Long, tubular growths rise up out of the blooming flower to about three inches.)

-SCENE 5-

(Its a lazy afternoon. The Mustang sits in the dirt driveway. Dissolve onto the couple on a blanket out on the farmland.

The two are sitting back, sipping White Zinfandel wine out of glasses. Jack is wearing denim shorts and a white print tee-shirt of his college. Alice has on a light blue skirt with white suspenders and a white tank-top. Also on the blanket is a brown straw picnic basket.)

JACK

That movie was alright. It had a good story and everything. But, the animation was a big disappointment.

ALICE

What do you mean? I thought it was well done. What was wrong with it?

JACK

It's outdated. You could never tell that they spent 1.2 billion dollars on it. With the technology we have today, it could have been done a lot better. We have the ability to put animation into three-D holography. They use it for other things; why not for animated movies?

ALICE

You're right. Maybe a movie is too complicated to do.

JACK

Not really. It would just mean stringing together many images over a longer period of time.

ALICE

I'm surprised no one else has thought of it. Maybe someday you'll do it.

JACK

Well if no one else does first, I definitely will.

First I'll have to find a subject to duplicate into three-D. She'll have to be beautiful and willing to live her life as a combination of laser beams. And that person is you!

(Jack jumps at Alice with a mad scientist's expression on his face. Alice screams and quickly crawls away. Her scream turns to laughter as she gets to her feet and runs away.)

ALICE

(yells without turning around)

You'll never turn me into your light beam fantasy Mr. Hill. You'll have to catch me first!

(Jack gets to his feet and pursues her. The two laugh as they run, Alice with a comfortable gap still between them. As Alice reaches the base of the cliff, she trips and lands forward. She gives out a painful scream. Directly in front of her face is the mutated flower. As she looks at it, she notices a pleasantly strong, aromatic smell coming from it.)

(Music: Pink Floyd's Narrow Way Part 3

Jack yells from behind while running)

JACK

Alice, are you all right?

( She turns around to answer him, but suddenly feels strange. She sees Jack running towards her, but now he looks like a holography. She closes her eyes and shakes her head in an effort to clear her eyes from any blurriness. When she looks again, Jack is no longer running toward her. Instead, a human-sized rabbit in Jack's clothes runs towards her.)

RABBIT

(To itself)

Oh dear! Oh dear! I shall be too late!

(Says in evil voice, as head distorts in a camera close-up, to Alice)

Not enough time to stop you and not.

(Rabbit takes watch out and looks at it. As he does so, ticking sound is loud. He then runs off past her where the rock wall has turned into field. Alice looks dazed at first. Then she runs after it)

ALICE

(With distress)

Jack! Stop kidding around! What's going on?

(She is just in time to see him pop down a large rabbit-hole under hedge. Alice follows it down the hole without stopping to think.

The rabbit-hole goes straight on like a tunnel for some way, and then dips suddenly down, causing Alice to fall down what seems like a very deep well)

ALICE

(Screams)

Jack!

(Music: Hawkwind's Wasteland of Sleep.

She continues to fall in a way that seems like slow motion. She looks down and sees only darkness. She looks at the sides and sees cupboards and book-shelves; here and there are maps and pictures hung upon pegs. She takes down a jar from one of the shelves she passes.)

ALICE

(Still in a haze. She reads label and opens it)

Orange Marmalade.

(Disappointed to find it open. She goes to drop it below her, but then hesitates. Instead she puts it into one of the cupboards as she falls past it.)

ALICE

(Trying to compose herself)

Well! What a fall! If I come out of this alive, parachuting won't be the first thing I'll want to do.

(more seriously)

I wonder how many miles I've fallen by now? I must be getting close to the center of the earth. Let me see: Is that four thousand miles?

If this keeps up, maybe I can get some real Chinese food.

(She continues to fall. Different colors of earth pass by, the colors melting with the motion.)

ALICE

(delirious)

Oh no! I forgot to let Dinah out of my room. I hope mom lets her out. Dinah. I could use your company right now. There aren't any mice for you to play with, but maybe there are bats. Do cats eat bats?

(Dreamily. drifts into sleep)

Do cats eat bats? Do cats eat bats? Do bats eat cats?

(In dream-like setting. Alice holds cat on lap with its face away from her. All is glowing white around them)

ALICE

(childishly)

Now Dinah, tell me the truth. Did you ever eat a bat?

(Cat's face turns toward her. Its half bat, half cat face has wild evil eyes and gives out a loud spine tingling meow.)

-SCENE 6-

(Suddenly she is back in tunnel. She falls through a heap of sticks and dry leaves. The fall is over. Alice jumps to her feet immediately. She looks up, but it is all dark overhead with vapor swirls. Before her is another long passage. The rabbit is still in sight, hurrying down it. She runs after it.)

RABBIT

(As it turns a corner)

Too late. Too late to stop you and not.

(She was close behind it when she turned the corner, but the Rabbit isn't there when she turns the corner.

Music:Genesis' The Chamber of 32 Doors

She finds herself in a long, low hall, which is lit by a row of lamps hanging from the roof. There are doors all around the hall, but they are all locked. Alice walks up and down the hall, first one side, then the other; trying each knob. She walks sadly down the middle. Suddenly she notices a little three legged table, all made of solid glass, there is nothing on it but a tiny golden key. She tries it in locks.-show only a few-. On the second time around, she comes upon a low curtain not previously noticed and behind it is a door about fifteen inches high. She tries her key in the lock and it fits.

She opens the door and finds that it leads to a small passage, no larger than a rat hole. She kneels down and looks down it and sees a lovely garden with more of the same flower as she had stumbled upon.)

ALICE

(frustrated)

That garden is so beautiful. If only I could fit through the door.

(She gives up and goes to the table half hoping to find another key on it. This time she finds a bottle on it.)

ALICE

(confused)

That's funny. That wasn't here before.

(Tied around the neck of the bottle is a paper label, with the words "Drink Me" beautifully typed in large letters.)

ALICE

(Upon reading it)

No, I think I'll look first and see if its dangerous.

(She examines the liquid inside)

Oh well. What do I have to lose.

(She tastes it and likes it.)

Wow. This is better then Sex on the Beach.

(She drinks the rest.)

ALICE

What a strange Feeling! I feel like I'm shrinking.

(She shrinks to ten inches high. She stands before the door and hesitates.)

I hope I don't suddenly grow back.

(She walks towards the door and then stops, remembering that she forgot the key.)

Damn. I forgot the key.

(She walks back to the table and finds that she can not reach the key. She looks at it through the glass and then attempts to climb one of the legs. She slides down after a few feet. She sits down, leans against it and cries.)

ALICE

There's no use in crying. It's not even that big a deal.

(She notices a little glass box lying under the table. She opens it and finds a small cake on which is marked "EAT ME" in beautifully marked currants.)

Why not.

(She eats a little bit and speaks anxiously)

Which way? Which way?

(She holds her hand on top of her head to feel which way it is growing and shows surprise that she is still the same size)

Oh. I'm still the same.

(She finishes off the rest of the cake)

-SCENE 7-

ALICE

(music: PINK FLOYD'S SEE SAW.

She is full and rests against the table. She speaks as if drunk)

Oh God, Oh God! Now I'm growing again. Good-bye feet.

(She looks down at them and they seem to be almost out of sight as she keeps growing. She grows to nine feet and her head strikes against the ceiling. She grabs the little key and hurries to the garden door. She lies down and looks through the little door and into the garden with one eye. She cries again deliriously)

I don't want to be the tallest girl in school. Oh, I'm crying again. Why can't I stop crying.

(She goes on crying, shedding gallons of tears, until there is a large pool all around her, about four inches deep and reaching half down the hall. After a few seconds, she hears a little pattering of feet in the distance. She wipes her eyes and strains to see what's coming. The rabbit returns, dressed in a tux, carrying white gloves and a fan, and mutters to himself.)

RABBIT

Oh! the Duchess, the Duchess! Oh! won't she be rabid if I keep her waiting!

ALICE

(In a timid voice)

Jack?

(The rabbit starts violently, drops the white gloves and fan, and scurries into the darkness.)

(Alice picks up the fan and gloves, and, as the hall is very hot, she fans herself all the time as she talks.)

ALICE

What a strange trip this is. The last thing I remember is having a picnic with Jack, after classes. Everything was normal. And then it was chaos. I've got to get my head back together. Maybe if I recite something, I can clear my mind.

(Distorted piano notes play along to her verse.)

Do you remember, chalk hearts melting on the playground wall

Do you remember, dawn escapes from moon washed college halls

Do you remember, the cherry blossom in the market square

Do you remember, I thought it was confetti in our hair.

(She bursts crying)

I am so tired of being all alone here!

(As she says this, she looks down in surprise to see that she had put on one of the gloves while talking.)

How did I do that? I must be growing small again.

(She stands up and goes to the table and measures herself. She sees that she is shrinking again. She looks at the fan in her hand and drops it hastily, just in time to avoid shrinking altogether.)

That was a narrow escape! I can get to the garden now!

(She runs to the little door. She finds it shut again and the little key lying on the table as before.)

Things just aren't going my way today.

(Upon finishing talking, her foot slips and there is a splash. She is up to her chin in salt water. It turns out to be her pool of tears.

Music: Hawkwind's Song of the Swords)

I wish I hadn't cried so much!

(She swims about, trying to get out.)

I'm going to drown in my own tears. It wouldn't surprise me with the way things have been going. I guess it's a romantic way to go.

(She hears something splashing in the pool behind her. She swims nearer to make it out. She sees that it is a mouse.)

Maybe I should try speaking to it. With the way things are going, I wouldn't be surprised if it could talk.

(She speaks mockingly)

Oh mouse, do you know the way out of this pool? I'm getting tired of swimming!

(The mouse looks at her inquisitively and winks at her with one eye.)

Perhaps it doesn't understand English. Maybe its a French mouse. Ou est ma chatte?

(The mouse suddenly leaps out of the water and quivers with fright.)

Oh, I'm sorry! I forgot cats eat mice. Do mice eat cats?

MOUSE

(In shrill, passionate voice)

Not like cats! Would you like cats if you were me?

ALICE

(Soothingly while swimming lazily in the pool)

Well, perhaps not. Don't be angry about it. I wish you could meet my cat Dinah. She is so cuddly and gentle. She's a good cat. She loves to be petted and stroked. She's no coward either. She's great at keeping mice away from the house--oh, I'm sorry. We won't talk about her any more if you'd rather not.

MOUSE

(Trembling)

We indeed! As if I would talk about such a subject! Our family always hated cats:

(Slowly)

Nasty, low vulgar things!

(Angrily)

Don't let me hear the name again!

ALICE

(hurries to change subject)

I won't again! Are you-are you fond- of - of dogs?

(no answer)

There is a cute little dog next door that I would like to show you! It belongs to a farmer, also, and he says its a pure bred terrier that's worth a lot of money! He says it kills all the rats and-Sorry!

(The mouse swims away from her while making a commotion.)

(She calls softly)

Mouse. Come back, I'm lonely. I won't talk about cats or dogs again.

(The mouse turns around and swims slowly back to her.)

MOUSE

(In low trembling voice)

Let us get to shore, and then I'll tell you my history, and you'll understand why it is I hate cats and dogs."

(The camera angle widens, revealing a duck an eagle and other animals.)

-SCENE-

(After getting out of pool, they stand dripping)

MOUSE

Sit down, all of you, and listen to me! I'll soon make you dry enough!

(They sit down in a large ring, with the mouse in the middle. Alice watches mouse anxiously)

Ahem! Are you all ready? This is the driest thing I know. Silence all around please! 'William the Conqueror, whose cause was favored by the pope, was soon submitted to by the English, who wanted leaders, and had been of late accustomed to usurpation and conquest. Edwin and Morcar, the earls of Mercia and Northumbria-

Duck

ugh!

MOUSE

(Frowning but very politely)

I beg your pardon! Did you say something?

Duck

(hastily)

Not I!

MOUSE

I thought you did. I proceed. 'Edwin and Morcar, the earls of Mercia and Northumbria, declared for him: and even Stigand, the patriotic Archbishop of Canterbury, found it advisable-

Duck

Found What?

MOUSE

(crossly)

Found it. Of course you know what it means.

DUCK

I know what 'it' means well enough when I find a thing; it's generally a frog or a worm. The question is, what did the archbishop find?

MOUSE

(Without paying attention, hurries on)

-found it advisable to go with Edgar Atheling to meet William and offer him the crown. William's conduct at first was moderate. But the insolence of his Normans-' How are you getting on now, my dear?

ALICE

(melancholy tone)

As wet as ever. Doesn't seem to dry me at all.

DODO

(Solemnly)

In that case, I move that the meeting adjourn, for the immediate adoption of more energetic remedies-

ALICE

Mouse, didn't you promise to tell me your history.

MOUSE

(turning toward Alice and sighing)

Mine is a long and sad tale!

ALICE

(Looking down at its tail which now appears to very long and curled up)

It is a long tail, certainly, but why do you call it sad?

(She stares down at it while the mouse tells a story)

Music: Pink Floyd's Pillow of Winds

(She hallucinates. The mouse's voice is not heard as it tells story)

MOUSE

(Severely)

You are not attending! What are you thinking of?

ALICE

(breaking out of her spell and answering apologetically)

I'm sorry. You had got to the fifth bend, right?

MOUSE

I had not!

ALICE

(spacily)

A knot! Oh let me help you undo it!

MOUSE

(Gets up and walks away)

I shall do nothing of the sort. You insult me by talking such nonsense!

ALICE

(pleading)

I didn't mean it. But your so easily offended!

(MOUSE growls)

Please come back and finish your story!

EVERYONE

Yes, please do!

(Mouse shakes head impatiently and walks quicker)

DUCK

What a pity it wouldn't stay.

ALICE

(addressing nobody in particular)

I wish I had Dinah here. She would fetch it back!

DUCK

And who is Dinah, if I might venture to ask the question?

ALICE

(Eagerly)

Dinah's my cat. She is great at catching mice. I wish you could see her after the birds! Why, she'll eat a little bird as fast as she sees it!

OLD MAGPIE

(wrapping itself up)

I really must be getting home; the night-air doesn't suit my throat!

CANARIE

(To its young)

Come away my dears! It's high time you were all in bed!

(They all leave and Alice is soon alone)

ALICE

(To self in melancholy tone)

I wish I hadn't mentioned Dinah! Nobody seems to like her, down here, and I'm sure she's the best cat in the world! Oh Dinah. I wonder if I will ever see you again!

(Alice cries. Feels lonely and low spirited. After a few seconds, she hears little pattering footsteps in the distance. She looks up expecting the mouse.)

-SCENE-

(The rabbit trots slowly towards her, looking anxiously about as if having lost something. Mutters to self)

ALICE

Jack?

RABBIT

The Duchess! The Duchess! Oh my head! Oh my paws and tail! She'll get me executed, as sure as ferrets are ferrets! Where can I have dropped them, I wonder?

(Alice searches for gloves and fan. Great hall, glass table and little door no longer in scene.)

RABBIT

(In angry tone)

Why Mary Ann, what are you doing out here? Run home and fetch me a pair of gloves and a fan! Quick, now!

(Alice frighteningly runs off in the direction it points to)

ALICE

He took me for someone else. How surprised he'll be when he remembers who I am! But I had better take him his fan and gloves-that is, if I can find them.

(She comes upon a neat little house, on the door of which is a bright brass plate with name "W. RABBIT" engraved. She enters without knocking and hurries up the stairs.)

ALICE

How strange it seems. Running messages for a rabbit! I suppose Dinah'll be sending me on messages next!

(She finds her way into a tidy little room with a table in the window, and on it is a fan and three pairs of tiny white gloves. She picks up the fan and a pair of gloves and is just about to leave when her eyes fall upon a little bottle near the looking-glass. She uncorks it and puts it to her lips)

ALICE

Lets see what happens when I drink this one. I hope it makes me grow large again. It's too dangerous being small!

(Before she drinks half the bottle, her head presses against the ceiling and she stoops. She puts down the bottle.)

ALICE

That's enough. As it is I can't get out the door. I shouldn't have drank so much!

(Music: Pink Floyd's Saucerful of Secrets

She grows more and has to kneel. After five seconds, she has to lay down with her elbow against the door and the other arm curled around her head. She continues to grow and puts one arm out of the window and one foot up the chimney. She ends up laying down with her head up towards the roof. Her eyes see through the top window. Her bust is against the lower front window. Her arms are out side windows. One leg is cramped in a corner while the other is partially in the chimney.)

ALICE

Oh God! That's as far as I can go. What's going to happen now!

(She stops growing. She is uncomfortable)

What ever trip I'm on, I would prefer to be back to my old self. I should never have ran down that rabbit-hole-and yet-and yet-if it weren't for the uncontrollability here, it might be kind of fun here. When I used to read fairy-tales, I thought that none of it could ever happen, except maybe a prince in shining armor taking me away, but now here I am in the middle of one. The problem with fairy tales is that many are violent and warped. I have to hope this one has a happy ending.

RABBIT

Mary Ann! Mary Ann! Fetch me my gloves this moment!

(A pattering of feet on the stairs. She starts to try to free herself. The Rabbit comes to the door and tries to open it. It opens against her waist.)

Then I'll go round and get in at the front window.

ALICE

That you won't.

(She spreads out her hand and makes a snatch in the air. She hears a little shriek and a fall. A window over one of the windowed gardens smashes.

RABBIT

(angrily)

Pat! Pat! Where are you?

PAT

Sure then I'm here! Digging for apples and oranges, yer honor!

RABBIT

Digging for apples and oranges, indeed! Here! Come and help me out of this!

(More broken glass)

Now tell me Pat, what's that in the window?

PAT

Sure, it's a bust, yer honor

RABBIT

A bust, you goose! Who ever saw one that size? Why it fills the whole window!

PAT

Sure, it does, yer honor, but it's a bust for all that.

RABBIT

Well, its got no business there. I suggest you get rid of those arms if we are to make it through this!

(Silence. Alice hears only whispers, and then-)

PAT

Sure I don't like it, yer honor, at all, at all!

RABBIT

Do as I tell you, you coward!

(Alice spreads out her hand again and makes another snatch in the air. There are two shrieks and more broken glass.)

ALICE

Your not going to cut off my arm.

(She listens for a few seconds. Rumbling of little cart-wheels and many voices talking together)

VOICES

Where's the other ladder?-Why I hadn't to bring but one; Bill's got the other-Bill! Fetch it here, lad! -Here, put 'em up at this corner-No, tie 'em together first-they don't reach half high enough yet-Oh! they'll do well enough' don't be particular. Here, Bill! catch hold of this rope-Will the roof bear?-Mind that loose slate-Oh, it's coming down! Heads below! (Crash) Now, who's to go down the chimney?-I'm not! You do it!-That I won't! Bill's to go down-Here, Bill! the master says you've to go down the chimney!

ALICE

Oh! So Bill's got to come down the chimney, does he? I wouldn't want to be in Bill's place: this fireplace is narrow, but I think I can kick a little!

(She draws her foot as far into the chimney as she can and waits to here the animal scurrying down it.)

This is Bill.

(She gives a sharp kick and waits to see what happens)

VOICES

There goes Bill!

RABBIT

Catch him, you by the hedge! We must burn the house down!

ALICE

If you do, I'll send Dinah after you!

(Silence)

I wonder what they will do next. If they had any sense, they would take the roof off.

(a few seconds pass)

RABBIT

A barrowful will do, to begin with.

ALICE

A barrowful of what?

(A shower of pebbles rattle the window and some hit her in the face.

I'll put a stop to this. You'd better not do that again!

(Silence. Alice notices that the pebbles are turning into little cakes as they lay on the floor.)

If I eat one of these cakes, it's sure to make me smaller.

(She swallows one of the cakes and is delighted as she begins to shrink. When she is small enough to get through the door, she runs out of the house and stops before the crowd outside. She sees a lizard(Bill) in the middle, with two guinea-pigs holding him up and giving him something out of a bottle. They all rush at Alice, but she runs off into the woods safely.

ALICE

The first thing I've got to do is grow to my right size again. The second thing is to find that garden. Somehow, I think it holds the key to all of this.

(While looking through the trees, she hears a sharp bark overhead and looks up quickly.)

Uh!

(An enormous dog looks down at her growling. She looks around but can't escape. She spots a stick and picks it up. She throws it and the dog pursues it. She hides behind a large thistle. While the dog is attacking the stick, Alice runs off. She is now tired and hears barking only in the distance.)

ALICE

I've got to grow. This is getting very dangerous. I have to eat or drink something. But what?

-SCENE-

(Alice looks around her and sees large flowers and blades of grass, but nothing to eat. There is a large mushroom near her, about the same height as her. She looks under it and then on top of it. She tip-toes and her eyes meet those of a large blue caterpillar sitting with its arms folded (8) and quietly smoking a long hookah and noticing nothing around him.)

[Music: Hawkwind's Hassan I Sahba]

(The caterpillar and Alice look at each other for 10 seconds in silence. Finally the caterpillar takes the hookah out of its mouth and addresses her in a languid, sleepy voice.)

CATERPILLAR

Who are you?

ALICE

(shyly)

I hardly know at present, sir. I knew who I was back at my farm, but now I'm not quite sure who I am or what's going on, you see?

CATERPILLAR

I don't see.

ALICE

I can't put it into words any clearer since I'm not sure myself. I've been more sizes today than there are shoe sizes, in a day that is so off the wall.

CATERPILLAR

It isn't.

ALICE

Well, you may not have found it so , yet, but when you when you stop smoking that stuff, you will see that things aren't right.

CATERPILLAR

Not a bit

ALICE

Well, you're so stoned you don't realize it. But, things are sure warped to me.

CATERPILLAR

You! Who are you?

ALICE

(angry and frustrated)

I think you ought to tell me who you are, first.

CATERPILLAR

(Puzzled)

Why?

(Alice turns and walks away.)

Come back! I've something important to say!

(Alice returns)

Keep your temper.

ALICE

(Swallowing her anger)

Is that all?

CATERPILLAR

No.

(He puffs away and blows rings of smoke through her. She coughs. At last he unfolds his arms, takes the hookah out of his mouth)

So you think you're changed, do you?

ALICE

Unfortunately, yes. I can't remember things as I used to- and I keep changing sized every ten minutes!

CATERPILLAR

Can't remember what things?

ALICE

(Melancholic)

[use a song]

CATERPILLAR

That is not said right

ALICE

Not exactly right, but close. I altered some of the words.

CATERPILLAR

It is wrong from beginning to end.

(Silence for 7 seconds)

What size do you want to be?

ALICE

I'm not particular to a certain size just yet. I just don't want to keep changing, you know.

CATERPILLAR

I don't know.

(Alice feels her anger)

Are you content now?

ALICE

I would like to be a little larger, if you don't mind. Three inches is such a wretched height to be.

CATERPILLAR

(angrily)

It is a very good height indeed!

ALICE

(pleading)

But I'm not used to it! I wish you creatures wouldn't get offended so easily!

CATERPILLAR

You'll get used to it in time.

(He puts his hookah into his mouth and begins smoking.)

(Alice waits patiently for him to speak. After 10 seconds he takes the hookah out of his mouth and yawns and shakes himself. It gets down from the mushroom and crawls into the grass merely remarking)

One side will make you grow taller, and the other side will make you grow shorter.

ALICE

One side of what? The other side of what?

CATERPILLAR

Of the mushroom.

(He crawls out of sight. Alice looks thoughtfully for 10 seconds. She stretches her arms around it and brakes off a bit of its edge in each hand.

ALICE

And now which is which?

(She nibbles from the right hand. Her chin strikes her feet violently. She eats from the other.)

My head's free at last!

(Music: Genesis' Firth of fifth

First with delight, then with alarm. Only her neck has grown like a stalk out of green leaves far below her.)

What can all that green stuff be? I've lost my shoulders, and my hands.

(She moves her neck like a serpent. She is about to dive among some leaves when she hears a sharp hiss. She draws back. A large pigeon flies into her face. Beats its wings on her.)

PIGEON

Serpent!

ALICE

I'm not a serpent! Leave me alone!

PIGEON

Serpent! I've tried every way, and nothing seems to suit them!

ALICE

I haven't the faintest idea of what you're talking about.

PIGEON

I've tried the roots of trees, and I've tried banks, and I've tried hedges, but those serpents! There's no pleasing them!

(pause)

As if it wasn't trouble enough hatching the eggs, but I must be on the look-out for serpents night and day! Why, I haven't had a wink of sleep these three weeks!

ALICE

I'm sorry you've been annoyed.

PIGEON

And just as I'd taken the highest tree in the wood, and just as I was thinking I should be free of them at last, they come wriggling down from the sky! Ugh, Serpent!

ALICE

But I'm not a serpent, I'm a---I'm a---

PIGEON

Well! What are you? I can see you are trying to invent something!

ALICE

I'm a woman

PIGEON

A likely story indeed! I've seen a good many women in my time, but never one with such a neck as that! No, no! You're a serpent; and there's no use denying it. I suppose you'll be telling me next that you never tasted egg!

ALICE

I have tasted eggs, but humans enjoy eggs just as much as serpents do, you know.

PIGEON

I don't believe it, but if they do, why then they're a kind of serpent, that's all I can say.

You're looking for eggs, I know that well enough; and what does it matter to me whether you're a woman or a serpent?

ALICE

It matters to me; but I'm not looking for eggs. And if I was, I certainly wouldn't take yours and eat them raw.

PIGEON

Well, be off, then.

(Alice crouches down among the trees, her neck getting entangled among the branches, stopping to untwist it here and there. She remembers that she still holds the mushrooms and nibbles both until reaching the correct height.)

Well, that concludes half my plan. I'm back to my right size. Next I have to get to the garden-How am I going to do that?

(She suddenly comes upon an open place, with a little house in it about four feet high.)

Whoever lives there will get scared to death if they see me this size.

(She nibbles from the mushroom in her right-hand and shrinks to nine inches)

-SCENE-

(She stands for a few seconds looking at the house. A footman in livery runs up to it out of the woods and knocks at the door. The door is opened by another. They both look like frogs. She creeps up toward the house to listen to their conversation. A footman takes a letter from under his arm and hands it to the other.

Music: Genesis' Carpet Crawlers.)

FROG 1

For the Duchess. An invitation from the queen to play croquet.

FROG 2

From the Queen. An invitation for the Duchess to play croquet.

(They bow and get their curls entangled. Alice laughs and runs back into the woods as not to be seen. When she looks back, one frog was gone and the other sits on the ground near the porch, staring stupidly at the sky. Alice goes timidly to the door and knocks)

FROG 1

There's no use in knocking, and for two reasons. First, because I'm on the same side of the door as you are; secondly, because they're making such a noise inside, no one could possibly hear you.

(Howling and sneezing comes from inside. Every now and then a great crash of a dish or kettle.)

ALICE

Then how do I get in.

FROG 1

There might be some sense in your knocking, if we had the door between us. For instance, if you were inside, you might knock, and I could let you out, you know.

ALICE

(To self. Frog still looking at sky)

Perhaps he can't help it, his eyes are close to the top of his head. Maybe he can help. (Aloud) How am I to get in?

FROG 1

I shall sit here till tomorrow.

(The door opens and a large plate comes out, straight at the frog. It grazes his nose and crashes against a tree.)

-Or next day, maybe.

ALICE

How do I get in?

FROG 1

Are you to get in at all? That's the first question, you know.

ALICE

It's terrible the way all the creatures argue. It's enough to drive me crazy.

FROG 1

I shall sit here on and off, for days and days.

ALICE

But what am I to do?

FROG 1

Anything you like. (he begins whistling)

ALICE

There's no use talking to him. He's crazy.

(She opens the door and goes in.

Music: Genesis' Duchess

The door leads into a large kitchen full of smoke. The Duchess is sitting on a three legged stool in the middle, nursing a baby. The cook is leaning over the fire, stirring a large cauldron which seems to be full of soup. Alice sneezes)

Alice

I think you used too much pepper!

(Both the Duchess and the baby sneeze alternately.)

(Timidly)

Could you tell me why your cat grins like that?

DUCHESS

It's a Cheshire cat, and that's why. Pig!

ALICE

(Notices it was addressed to the baby)

I didn't know that Cheshire cats always grinned, in fact, I didn't know that cats could grin.

DUCHESS

They all can; and most of 'em do.

ALICE

I don't know of any that do.

DUCHESS

You don't know much; and that's a fact.

(The cook takes the cauldron of soup off the fire and throws everything in her reach at the Duchess and the baby. Fire-irons, saucepans, plates and dishes. Duchess takes no notice even when they hit her. Baby was already howling.)

ALICE

(agony of terror)

What are you doing? His precious nose.

(sauce pan barely misses the baby's nose)

DUCHESS

(In a hoarse growl)

If everybody minded their own business, the world would go round a deal faster than it does.

ALICE

Which would not be an advantage. Just think of what that would do to day and night. The earth takes twenty-four hours to turn around on its axis-

DUCHESS

Talking of axes, chop off her head.

(Alice glances anxiously at the cook. She is busily engaged in stirring the soup.)

ALICE

Twenty-four hours, I think; or is it twelve? I-

DUCHESS

Oh, don't bother me. I never could abide figures.

(She sings a lullaby to the child, giving it a violent shake at the end of each line.)

"Speak roughly to your little boy

And beat him when he sneezes:

He only does it to annoy,

Because he knows it teases.

CHORUS

(Baby and Cook)

"Wow! wow! wow!

(Upon singing the second verse, the Duchess tosses the baby violently up and down, causing it to howl louder.)

DUCHESS

"I speak severely to my boy,

I beat him when he sneezes;

For he can thoroughly enjoy

The pepper when he pleases!"

CHORUS

"Wow! wow! wow!

DUCHESS

Here! you may nurse it a bit if you like!

(She flings the baby to Alice)

I must go and get ready to play croquet with the Queen.

(She hurries out of the room. The cook throws a frying pan at the Duchess, just missing her. Alice catches the baby with difficulty. She twists it into a knot and keeps tight hold of its right ear and left foot and carries it out into open air.

ALICE

If I don't take this child away with me, they're sure to kill it in a day or two: it would be murder to leave it behind.

(It grunts noticeably, having stopped sneezing)

Don't grunt, that's not the proper way for a baby.

(It grunts again. She looks anxiously into its face. Its face distorts into a pig.)

If your going to turn into a pig, I'll have nothing to do with you. Now what am I going to do with this creature when I get it home?

(She sets it down and it runs into the forest. She is startled to see the Cheshire Cat sitting on a bough of a tree a few yards off. The cat grins on seeing her.)

(timidly)

Cheshire Cat! Oh God. Would you tell me which way I should go from here?

CAT

That depends a good deal on where you want to get to.

ALICE

I don't care where

CAT

Then it doesn't matter which way you go.

ALICE

-so long as I get somewhere.

CAT

Oh, you're sure to do that, if you only walk long enough.

ALICE

What sort of people live around here?

CAT

(Pointing with his right paw)

In that direction lives a Hatter.

(Pointing with other paw)

And in that direction lives a March Hare. Visit either you like: they're both mad.

ALICE

But I don't want to be around mad people.

CAT

Oh, you can't help that. We're all mad here. I'm mad. You're mad.

ALICE

How do you know I'm mad?

CAT

You must be, or you wouldn't have come here.

ALICE

And how do you know your mad?

CAT

To begin with, a dog's not mad. You grant that?

ALICE

I suppose so.

CAT

Well, then, you see a dog growls when it's angry, and wags its tail when it's pleased. Now I growl when I'm pleased, and wag my tail when I'm angry. Therefore I'm mad.

ALICE

I call it purring, not growling

CAT

Call it what you like. Do you play croquet with the Queen today?

ALICE

I would like to, but I haven't been invited yet.

CAT

You'll see me there.

(The cat vanishes. Alice is not surprised. It appears again.)

By the bye, what became of the baby? I'd nearly forgotten to ask.

ALICE

It turned into a pig.

CAT

I thought it would.

(It vanishes again. Alice waits a little and then walks in the direction of the March Hare.)

ALICE

I've read about hatters. The March Hare should be interesting.

(The cat appears as she looks up)

CAT

Did you say pig, or fig?

ALICE

I said pig, and I wish you wouldn't keep appearing and vanishing so suddenly, you make one quite giddy.

CAT

All right.

(It vanishes, beginning with the end of the tail and ending with the grin.

ALICE

Wo. I have to be careful what I say.

(She comes before the house of March Hare. Chimneys are shaped like ears and the roof is thatched with fur. She nibbles more of left-hand mushroom and grows to two feet in order to be right height.

Music: Genesis' Supper's Ready)

ALICE

Suppose it is raving mad after all! Maybe I should have seen the Hatter instead!

(There is a table under a tree in front of the house. The hare and Hatter are having tea. A Dormouse is sitting between them. The other two are using it as a cushion, resting their elbows on it, talking over its head. The table is large, but the three are crowded at one corner.)

HARE AND HATTER

No room! No room!

ALICE

There's plenty of room.

(She sits down in a large arm-chair at one end of the table)

HARE

Have some wine.

ALICE

(Looks at table seeing nothing but tea)

I don't see any wine.

HARE

There isn't any.

ALICE

Then it wasn't very nice of you to offer it.

HARE

Then it wasn't very nice of you to sit down without being invited.

ALICE

I didn't know it was your table; it's laid for a great many more than three.

HATTER

Your hair wants cutting.

(He had been looking at Alice with curiosity all along)

ALICE

(severely)

You should learn not to make personal remarks. It's very rude.

(Hatter opens eyes wide)

HATTER

Why is a raven like a writing-desk?

(Silence)

What day of the month is it?

(He had taken out his watch from his pocket, looking at it uneasily, shaking it now and then and holding it to his ear.)

ALICE

(With consideration)

The fourth.

HATTER

Two days wrong!

(He looks angrily at the Hare)

I told you butter would not suit the works!

HARE

(Meekly)

It was the best butter.

HATTER

(Grumbling)

Yes, but some crumbs must have got in as well. You shouldn't have put it in twith the bread-knife.

(The Hare takes the watch and looks at it gloomily, then he dips it into his cup of tea and looks at it again.)

HARE

It was the best butter, you know.

ALICE

(Looking over his shoulder)

What a funny watch! It tells the day of the month and doesn't tell what time it is!

HATTER

Why should it? Does your watch tell you what year it is?

ALICE

Of course not, but that's because it stays the same year for such a long time.

HATTER

Which is just the case with mine.

(Alice is puzzled.)

ALICE

I don't quite understand.

HATTER

The Dormouse is asleep again.

(He pours a little hot tea upon its nose. The Dormouse shakes its head and speaks without opening its eyes.)

DORMOUSE

Of course, of course; just what I was going to say myself.

HATTER

(To Alice)

Have you guessed the riddle yet?

ALICE

No, I give up. What's the answer?

HATTER

I haven't the slightest idea.

HARE

Nor I.

ALICE

(Wearily)

I think you should spend your time better instead of wasting time with riddles with no answers.

HATTER

If you knew Time as well as I do, you wouldn't talk about wasting it. It's him.

ALICE

I don't know what you mean.

HATTER

(Tossing his head contemptuously)

Of course you don't! I daresay you never spoke to Time!

ALICE

(Cautiously)

Perhaps not, but I know I have to beat time in order to play music.

HATTER

Ah! that accounts for it. He won't stand beating. Now if you only kept on good terms with him, he'd do almost anything you liked with the clock. For instance, suppose it were nine o'clock in the morning, just time to go to class. You'd only have to whisper a hint to Time, and around goes the clock in a twinkling! Half-past five and time for dinner!

HARE

(In a whisper)

I only whish it was.

ALICE

That would be great, but I wouldn't be hungry.

HATTER

Not at first, perhaps, but you could keep it to half-past five as long as you liked.

ALICE

Is that the way you manage?

HATTER

(Shaking his head mournfully)

Not I! We quarreled last March-just before he went mad, you know-

(Pointing to the Hare with his teaspoon)

it was at the great concert given by the Queen of Hearts, and I had to sing. Well, I'd hardly finished the first verse, when the Queen jumped up and bawled out 'He's murdering time! Off with his head!'"

ALICE

That's terrible!

HATTER

And ever since that, he won't do a thing I ask! It's always six o'clock now.

ALICE

Is that the reason so much tea-ware have been put out here?

HATTER

(with a sigh)

Yes, that's it, it's always tea-time, and we've no time to wash the things between whiles.

ALICE

Then you keep moving around, I suppose?

HATTER

Exactly so, as the things get used up.

ALICE

But what happens when you come to the beginning again?

HARE

(Yawning)

Suppose we change the subject. I'm tired of this. I vote the lady tells us a story.

HATTER

Alice. Take some more tea.

ALICE

I had nothing yet, so I can't take more.

HATTER

You mean you can't take less; it's very easy to take more than nothing.

ALICE

Nobody asked your opinion.

Hatter

Who's making personal remarks now?

ALICE

(Not knowing what to say, she helps herself to some tea and bread and butter.)

HATTER

I want a clean cup, let's all move one place on.

(He moves as he speaks and the others oblige. The hatter is the only one to get an advantage.)

ALICE

My plate is spilled with milk!

HATTER

Be happy with the hand your dealt.

(Alice gets up in disgust and walks off. The Dormouse falls asleep and the other two don't take notice to her. She looks back hoping they will call her back. She sees them trying to put the Dormouse into the teapot.)

ALICE

I'll never go there again. That was the stupidest tea-party I've ever seen.

(She is walking through the forest. She notices a door leading into a tree)

That's strange! But then, everything is strange today. I might as well go in.

(She enters and finds herself in the long hall with a little glass table.)

Maybe I'll do better this time.

(She takes the little golden key and unlocks the door to the garden. She nibbles at part of the mushroom she kept in her pocket until she is a foot high. She walks down the little passage and enters the garden, which includes the yellow flowers. A large rose-tree stands near the entrance. The roses are white, but three gardeners are painting them red. Alice watches them.

Music: Marillion's GARDEN PARTY)

TWO

Look out now, Five! Don't go splashing paint over me like that!

FIVE

I couldn't help it. Seven jogged my elbow.

SEVEN

That's right, Five! Always lay the blame on others!

FIVE

You'd better not talk! I heard the Queen say only yesterday you deserved to be beheaded!

TWO

What for?

SEVEN

That's none of your business, Two!

FIVE

Yes it is his business! And I'll tell him-it was for bringing the cook tulip-roots instead of onions.

(Seven flings down his brush)

SEVEN

Well, of all the unjust things-

(He notices Alice and checks himself. The other look around and all of them bow to her.)

ALICE

Would you tell me why you are painting those roses.

(Five and Seven look at Two. He begins in low voice)

TWO

Why, the fact is, you see, Miss, this here ought to have been a red rose-tree, and we put a white one in by mistake; and if the Queen was to find it out, we should all have our heads cut off, you know. So you see, Miss, we're doing our best, before she comes to-

(Five had been looking anxiously across the garden.)

FIVE

The Queen! The Queen!

(The three gardeners throw themselves flat on their faces. There are sounds of many footsteps. Alice watches. There are ten soldiers carrying clubs. Ten courtiers, ten royal children hand in hand, kings and queens, white Rabbit talking in a hurried nervous manner and smiling at everything said, Knave of hearts carrying the king's crown on a velvet cushion and the King and Queen of Hearts. The procession stops in front of Alice.)

QUEEN

(severely)

Who is this?

(To the Knave of Hearts who bows and smiles repeatedly.)

Idiot!

(Queen turns to Alice)

What is your name?

ALICE

(politely)

My name is Alice, your majesty.

QUEEN

(Pointing to the gardeners)

And who are these?

ALICE

How should I know?

QUEEN

(turning crimson with fury)

Off with her head! Off-

ALICE

Nonsense!

King

(puts arm on queen)

Consider my dear, she is not from here.

QUEEN

(Turns to the knave)

Turn them over!

(The Knave does carefully)

Get up!

(The gardeners jump up and begin bowing to the King, the Queen and the rest of the party.

QUEEN

Leave off that! You make me giddy. What have you been doing here

(She says turning to the tree.)

TWO

(On one knee)

May it please your Majesty, we were trying-

QUEEN

(examining the roses)

I see! Off with their heads!

(the procession moves on and three guards remain behind. The gardeners hide behind Alice)

ALICE

You won't be beheaded!

(She puts them into a large flower-pot. The three soldiers look for them and then march off with the others.)

QUEEN

Are their heads off?

SOLDIERS

Their heads are gone, if it please your Majesty!

QUEEN

That's right! Can you play croquet?

(They look at Alice)

ALICE

Yes!

QUEEN

Come on, then!

(Alice joins the procession.)

RABBIT

It's a very fine day!

ALICE

Very, -where's the Duchess?

RABBIT

(In low hurried tone)

Hush! Hush!

(looks over shoulder and tiptoes, puts his mouth close to her ear and whispers)

She's under sentence of execution.

ALICE

What for?

RABBIT

She boxed the Queen's ears.

(Alice laughs)

Oh, hush! The Queen will hear you! You see she came rather late, and the Queen said-

QUEEN

(Shouting. People run in all directions, tumbling against each other)

Get to your places!

(The croquet ground is all ridges and furrows, the balls are live hedgehogs, the mallets live flamingoes, the soldiers stand on hands and feet as arches. Alice has difficulty handling the flamingo. It twists itself around and looks up in her face with a puzzled expression when she goes to shoot. She bursts out laughing. The hedgehog unrolls itself and is in the act of crawling away. The soldiers get up and move to other parts. The players play all at once. They quarrel and fight for hedgehogs. Shortly the Queen becomes furious.

Music Hawkwind's Heads)

QUEEN

Off with his head! Off with her head!

(Alice looks up and sees a grin. Cheshire Cat)

CAT

How are you getting on?

(Alice waits for all of it to appear)

ALICE

There don't seem to be any rules. If there are, none follows them.

CAT

How do you like the Queen?

ALICE

Not at all. She's extremely-

(She notices the queen directly behind her listening)

-likely to win, that it's hardly worth while finishing the game.

(The queen smiles and passes)

KING

(Comes up to her and looks at the cat's head with curiosity)

Who are you talking to?

ALICE

It's a friend of mine-Cheshire Cat, allow me to introduce it.

KING

I don't like the look of it at all. However, it may kiss my hand if it likes.

Cat

I'd rather not.

KING

Don't be impertinent. And don't look at me like that!

ALICE

A cat may look at a king. They've been considered royalty throughout history.

KING

Well it must be removed.

(calls to queen)

My dear! I wish you would have this cat removed.

QUEEN

Off with his head!

KING

I'll fetch the executioner myself.

(He hurries off. Queen's voice screams with passion. Alice searches for her hedgehog. It is engaged in a fight with another. Her flamingo is across the garden, trying to fly up into the trees. She fetches the flamingo and brings it back, but the hogs are gone. She tucks it under her arm and returns to the cat. She is surprised to find a crowd around him. The King Queen and Executioner are talking all at once.)

ALICE

What's wrong?

EXECUTIONER

Unless there is a body to cut it off from, I can not cut off its head.

KING

Anything that has a head can be beheaded. Don't talk of such nonsense.

QUEEN

If something isn't done about it soon, I'll have everyone executed.

ALICE

It belongs to the Duchess. You'd better ask her bout it.

QUEEN

She's in prison.

(To executioner)

Fetch her here.

(He runs off. The Cat's head fades. When the executioner returns, they run wildly looking for the head. The rest continue to play.)

DUCHESS

You're thinking about something and that makes you forget to talk. I can't tell you just now what the moral of that is, but I shall remember it in a bit.

ALICE

Perhaps it hasn't one.

DUCHESS

Tut, tut! Everything's got a moral, if only you can find it.

(She stands close to Alice who becomes uncomfortable.)

ALICE

The game's going on rather better now.

DUCHESS

Tis so, and the moral of that is 'Oh tis love, tis love, that makes the world go round!

ALICE

Somebody said that it's done by everybody minding their own business!

DUCHESS

Ah, well! It means much the same thing, and the moral of that is-Take care of the sense, and the sounds will take care of themselves.

(The Duchess's arm begins to tremble within hers. Alice looks up and sees the Queen standing with her arms folded.)

A fine day, your Majesty!

QUEEN

(stamping the ground)

Now, I give you fair warning. Either you or your head must be off, and that in about half no time! Take your choice!

(The Duchess runs off)

QUEEN

Let's go on with the game.

(They walk back to the game where the others rested in the shade but hurry back upon seeing them.)

A moment's delay will cost you your lives.

(The queen goes back to quarrelling with the others and having them sentenced and taken away by the soldiers so that there were no arches left. All the others players are in custody except the Q, K and Alice.)

QUEEN

Have you seen the Mock Turtle yet?

ALICE

No. I never heard of one.

QUEEN

Come on then, and he will tell you his history.

(As they walk off Alice hears the king)

KING

You are all pardoned.

(They come upon a Gryphon)

QUEEN

Up, lazy thing! And take this lady to see the Mock Turtle to hear his history. I must go back and see after some executions I have ordered.

(She walks off. The Gryphon sits up and rubs its eyes and watches the Queen until she is gone.)

GRYPHON

(Chuckles)

What fun!

ALICE

What is the fun?

GRYPHON

Why, she. It's all her fancy, that: They never executes nobody, you know. Come on!

(They approach the turtle sitting sad and lonely on a stone ridge.)

This here young lady wants to know your history, she do.

(Animation: Turtle starting from an egg, walking and transforming to where he is now.

Song: Hawkwind's Pulsing Cavern.

Scene: At animator's discretion. Should be in slow motion and give the audience a drug feeling by watching it.)

Soldier

(Shouting from distance. Breaks the trance)

The trial's beginning!

GRYPHON

Come on!

(He grabs Alice's hand and they run.)

ALICE

What trial is it?

GRYPHON

Come on!

-SCENE-

(The King and Queen of Hearts are seated on their throne when they arrive. A crowd is assembled around them: birds, beasts, pack of cards. The Knave stands in chains with a soldier on each side as guards. Near the king is the White Rabbit, with a trumpet in one hand and a scroll of parchment in the other. In the middle of the court is a table, with a large dish of tarts upon it. As judge, the king wears crown over a wig. Twelve jurors are busy writing on slates.

Alice's vision and hearing has begun to distort. She watches with almost intoxication

music: Genesis' Lilywhite Lilith followed by The Lamb Lies Down On Broadway)

ALICE

What are they doing? They can't have anything to put down yet, before the trial's begun.

GRYPHON

They're putting down their names for fear they will forget them before the end of the trial.

ALICE

Stupid things!

WHITE RABBIT

Silence in the court!

(The king puts on his spectacles and looks around anxiously to see who was talking. Alice see the jurors writing down "stupid things" on the slates. One is even misspelled.)

KING

Herald, read the accusation!

(The rabbit blows three blasts on trumpet and then unrolls the scroll.

Alice recognizes White Rabbit and bites her lip as she thinks about it being Jack)

WHITE RABBIT

The Queen of Hearts, she made some tarts,

All on a summer day:

The Knave of Hearts, he stole those tarts,

And took them quite away!

KING

(To jury)

Consider your verdict.

RABBIT

Not yet, not yet! There's a great deal to come before that!

KING

Call the first witness.

RABBIT

(Gives three more blasts)

First Witness!

(Hatter comes up with a teacup in one hand and a piece of bread and butter in the other.)

HATTER

I beg your pardon, your Majesty, for bringing these in; but I hadn't quite finished my tea when I was sent for.

KING

You ought to have finished. When did you begin?

(Hatter looks at March Hare, who is arm in arm with the Dormouse)

HATTER

Fourteenth of March, I think it was.

MARCH HARE

Fifteenth.

DORMOUSE

Sixteenth.

KING

(To jury)

Write that down.

(To Hatter)

Take off your hat.

HATTER

It isn't mine

KING

Stolen!

HATTER

I keep them to sell. I've none of my own. I'm a hatter.

(Queen puts on spectacles and begins staring hard at hatter who turns pale and fidgets.)

KING

Give your evidence and don't be nervous, or I'll have you executed on the spot.

(Hatter looks uneasily at Queen and shifts from one foot to the other. Takes a bite out of teacup instead of bread. Alice feels herself growing a little.)

DORMOUSE

I wish you wouldn't squeeze so. I can hardly breathe.

ALICE

I can't help it. I'm growing.

DORMOUSE

You've no right to grow here.

QUEEN

Bring me the list of the singers in the last concert!

(Hatter trembles so that he shakes off both shoes.)

KING

(angrily)

Give your evidence or I'll have you executed, whether you're nervous or not.

HATTER

I'm a poor man, your Majesty and I hadn't begun my tea-not above a week or so-and what with the bread and butter getting so thin-and the twinkling of the tea-

KING

The twinkling of what?

HATTER

It began with the tea.

KING

(sharply)

Of course twinkling begins with a T! Do you take me for a dunce? Go on!

HATTER

I'm a poor man and most things twinkled after that-only the March Hare said-

MARCH HARE

I didn't!

HATTER

You did!

HARE

I deny it

KING

He denies it. Leave out that part.

HATTER

Well, at any rate, the Dormouse said-

(He looks anxiously around to see if he would deny it too, but he is asleep.)

After that, I cut some more bread and butter-

JURY MEMBER

But what did the Dormouse say?

HATTER

That I can't remember.

KING

You must remember or I'll have you executed.

(Hatter drops his teacup and bread and goes down on one knee.

HATTER

I'm a poor man, your majesty.

KING

You're a very poor speaker.

(One of the guinea-pigs cheers and is immediately suppressed by the officers of the court by slipping it head first into a canvas bag and sitting on it.)

KING

If that's all you know about it, you may stand down.

HATTER

I can't go no lower. I'm on the floor, as it is.

KING

Then you may sit down.

(Another guinea-pig cheers and is suppressed.)

HATTER

I'd rather finish my tea.

(He looks anxiously at Queen who was reading the list of singers)

KING

You may go.

(Hatter hurries off without putting on shoes.)

QUEEN

-and just take his head off outside.

KING

Call the next witness!

(The Duchess's cook walks up, carrying the pepper box in her hand. People near door begin to sneeze.)

Give your evidence.

COOK

Shan't

(King looks anxiously at White Rabbit)

RABBIT

Your majesty must cross-examine this witness.

KING

Well, if I must, I must.

(He folds his arms and frowns at the cook till his eyes are nearly out of sight. Talks in deep voice)

What are tarts made of?

COOK

Pepper, mostly.

DORMOUSE

(in sleepy voice)

Treacle.

QUEEN

(Shrieking)

Collar that Dormouse. Behead that Dormouse! Turn that Dormouse out of court! Suppress him! Pinch him! Off with his whiskers.

(Their is confusion as he is rushed out. The cook disappears.)

KING

Never mind! Call the next witness. Really, my dear, you must cross-examine the next witness. It quite makes my forehead ache!

(White Rabbit calls out in shrill voice

Music: Pink Floyd's Careful With That Axe Eugene)

RABBIT

Alice!

ALICE

Here!

(Alice had grown more. As she jumped up in a hurry she tips over the jury-box with the edge of her skirt, upsetting all the jurymen on the on the heads of the crowd below. They lay sprawling about.)

Oh. I'm so sorry!

(She begins picking them up as quickly as she can.)

KING

The trial cannot proceed until all jurymen are back in their proper places-all.

(Alice looks at jury-box and sees that she had put the Lizard in head downwards. She gets it out and puts it right.)

ALICE

Not that it matters much. It would be as much use in the trial one way or the other.

(As soon as jury recovers, they start writing the history of the accident, except for the Lizard, who is too overcome and gazes up into the roof with its mouth open.)

KING

What do you know about this business?

ALICE

Nothing.

KING

Nothing whatever?

ALICE

Nothing whatever.

KING

(turning to jury)

That's very important.

(They are just writing this down when Rabbit speaks)

WHITE RABBIT

Unimportant, your Majesty means, of course.

KING

Unimportant, of course, I meant, important-unimportant-unimportant-important.

(Jury writes this down.)

Silence! Rule Forty-two. All persons more than a mile high leave the court.

(everyone looks at Alice.)

ALICE

I'm not a mile high.

KING

You are.

QUEEN

Nearly two miles high.

ALICE

Well, I shan't go, at any rate. Besides, that's not a regular rule: you invented it just now.

KING

It's the oldest rule in the book.

ALICE

Then it ought to be number one.

KING

(Turns pale and shuts his notebook hastily.)

Consider your verdict.

WHITE RABBIT

There's more evidence to come yet, please your Majesty, this paper has just been picked up.

QUEEN

What's in it?

RABBIT

I haven't opened it yet, but it seems to be a letter, written by the prisoner to-to somebody.

KING

It must have been that, unless it was written to nobody, which isn't usual, you know.

JURYMAN

Who is it directed to?

RABBIT

It isn't directed at all. In fact, there's nothing written on the outside.

(He unfolds the paper as he speaks)

It isn't a letter after all: it's a set of verses.

JURYMAN 2

Are they in the prisoner's handwriting?

RABBIT

No, they're not, and that's the queerest thing about it.

KING

He must have imitated somebody else's hand.

KNAVE

Please your majesty, I didn't write it, and they can't prove that I did: there's no name signed at the end.

KING

If you didn't sign it, that only makes the matter worse. You must have meant some mischief, or else you'd have signed your name like an honest man.

(There is a general clapping.)

QUEEN

That proves his guilt, of course, so, off with-

ALICE

It doesn't prove anything of the sort! Why, you don't even know what they're about.

KING

Let's see that!

(Rabbit hands scroll to King)

(King mumbles at first)

Da mu ta im, here we are. "-said I could not swim-" you can't swim can you?

(Turns to Knave. Knave shakes his head sadly.)

All right, so far. "We know it to be true-" that's the jury, of course-"If she should push the matter on"-that must be the Queen-"What would become of you?"-What indeed!-"I gave her one, they gave him two-" why, that must be what he did with the tarts, you know-

ALICE

But it goes on "they all returned from him to you.

KING

Why, there they are!

(He points to the tarts on the table.)

Nothing can be clearer than that. Then again-"before she had this fit-" you never had fits, my dear, I think?

(He says to Queen)

QUEEN

(Furiously, throwing an inkstand at the lizard as she spoke.)

Never!

KING

Then the words don't fit you.

(He smiles and looks around)

(Looks around in anger and everybody laughs)

It's a pun! Let the jury consider their verdict.

QUEEN

No, no! Sentence first-verdict afterwards.

ALICE

Nonsense! The idea of having the sentence first!

QUEEN

(turning purple)

Hold your tongue!

ALICE

I won't!

QUEEN

(at the top of her voice)

Off with her head!

(Nobody moves. Alice has grown full size by this time)

ALICE

Who cares for you? You're nothing but a pack of cards!

(ALICE is chased out of the courtroom by everyone in the room, led by White Rabbit who has grown to her size and has an axe held above his head. she runs through a forest while being pursued. The rabbit and the axe are getting larger each time she looks back. Just as he catches up to her and is in motion of swinging the axe at her neck, she stumbles, screams "Jack!" and loses her bearings.)

-SCENE-

(Camera is looking down on her back on the farm, where she originally entered the wonderland. She is positioned as she was, before seeing the rabbit. Jack is running up to her.

Music: Pink Floyd's San Tropez

The camera rises in a slow spiraling angle. Credits appear.

Jack reaches her and holds her in his arms.

Camera continues to spiral away until end of song.)